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User Topic: Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts-11
Chefj9
♀ Member
Member # 38604
Default  Posted: 3:53 PM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@missymama - Yes, I believe that he is a a SLA, but that's just my opinion. What I have seen in his life patterns is that sex = love and that all of of his A's with the exception of one have involved "love".

He now says that he was never actually in love with any of them, and he was able to walk away and never look back. It was the "tool" he used to keep them hooked and coming back. He's an english major, he can write really well and he would use this skill to "woo" them and convince them all that they were "the one". He even took the fantasy so far with the last OW that he asked her to marry him. He never had any intention of leaving, let alone following through. But there was lots of "I love you's and I can't live without you's" Once the fantasy bubble is burst, the feelings are gone.

(((windowsnotwalls))), I understand actually. This is SAWH's 2nd attenpt, the first time was all just lies. He took his A underground and did almost nothing to deal with his issues. I'm happy to say that at least this time I see real changes. Hang in there.


ME - BS 49, Him - WS 46 trying to "R"
4 DD's - blended 25, 15, 14 and 11
Multi DDays the grand finale 5/12/2013
From here on out, I am only interested in what is real. Real people, real feelings, that's it, that's all I'm intere

Posts: 420 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Texas
cds22
♀ Member
Member # 39083
Default  Posted: 8:10 PM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hope I didn't offend anyone. Windows, I agree there is no shame in co-dep traits or behaviors and working to improve them. In my case, I feel like I have a laundry list of OTHER issues that I see and have been working on prior to all of this: low-grade anxiety, perfectionism, tendencies toward negative thinking. I just personally don't want to add on other problems that I don't think squarely describe my issues. I have enough on my plate!

Also, I am so repulsed by H's behavior, by SAs' behavior, that the term "co-addict" practically sends me into apoplexy. Really, it is my issue and as I mentioned upthread I do think support groups are a good thing. I am just not sure where or if I fit in.

I have been doing alot of thinking and the one thing I can identify that may be co-dep or at least unhealthy is that I stayed in the marriage when our sex life became very infrequent in the past two years and over the past several years as our relational intimacy dwindled. Even that though is complicated - - we had two kids in those five years, two high powered careers, and no one we knew in our boat had much relational intimacy! The last delivery, the one two years ago, left pretty massive internal damage and I was unwilling and terrified to be physically intimate for well over a year. At first, my cervix was torn. Then an unplanned pregnancy would have been extremely hazardous to my health at that point in my physical healing. So, I don't know what to make of it my role . . . but overall I am cutting myself some serious slack. :)

[This message edited by cds22 at 8:12 PM, June 18th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 210 | Registered: Apr 2013
Missymomma
♀ Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 8:20 PM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

cds - I was not offended by what you said. However, you should consider that the things you mentioned:
low-grade anxiety, perfectionism, tendencies toward negative thinking.

Those are very typical codependent traits. Particularly the perfectionism. My codependency doesn't look like alot of others in my group but there are a couple that have the same traits I do. I also am horribly offended by the co-sex addict term! I am not a co-drug addict or co-workaholic, and I am not a co-sex addict! I absolutely agree that it is ridiculous that this is the only addiction that labels the partner as a co-addict. My group just has your call yourself a COSA and that can mean whatever you want it to. I consider myself a codependent to a sex addict.


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
StrongAlone
♀ New Member
Member # 39564
Default  Posted: 9:26 PM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi everyone,

My first D-day was our engagement! How foolish was I to continue on with the marriage but I thought he was sincere in his desire to change and through counseling. I won't get into all our history, it's so similar to all that are married to SA. I had continual suspicions, but nothing confirmed until 4 months ago. I went on his ipad and...ug. Devastating.

To put this all in perspective this discovery is one year since his diagnosis of cancer. A treatable cancer yes, but incurable. We are both in our late 30's by the way and the kind he has is usually found in 65 year olds. I thought we both shared a profound shift in the realization of what is most important in life through the cancer. We had deep conversations! Or so I thought...his focus was somewhere else.

We are separated as the betrayal has been so deep for myself, I can't see us making it especially because he's into a false recovery right now. I'm so tired of it all.

Don't worry though! I've been good at focusing on myself and my own healing. We have 2 little kids together so I can't completely do NC but I wish I could because he is toxic to my body right now. I will continue to work on detaching and loving myself more than I probably ever have. I'm a strong woman and I'm sure I deserve better than this.

Hats off to all you ladies who are giving your husbands a chance. Some will truly change but many, are sadly incapable. I'm sure mine is the latter and it shocks me to say that.

Anyways, just wanted to introduce myself and say this all definitely sucks but we are stronger than we think!


Me (BS) 39 Him (WH, SA, covert NPD) 40
Married 8 years, 2 young kids
DD1-Right after engagement 2004
DD2-Email from OW 2008
DD3-2012-Him diagnosed with cancer, I thought we grew closer, he kept cheating.
Divorcing.

Posts: 43 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Canada
outtanowhere
♀ Member
Member # 39001
Default  Posted: 9:46 PM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In all honesty, this forum has been my life saver! I've learned more here by sharing & gleaning the wisdom of you ladies who obviously know your stuff minus the awkwardness of being one of three in a group that I have to drive 30 miles one way to get to. No, I'm not going back. I tried to stay for the six times but, there is no one there that has chosen to stay married! It kind of feels like they must know something that they are telling me! For such a small group they go strictly by the book. Very formal & nobody ever explained to me what the rules for "sharing" are so I feel VERY out of place.

I asked for a contact who was still in the marriage. I got the number and made the call. We had a great talk but, half way into the conversation I had to step back for a minute when she told me that she got into AA because of her daughter's substance abuse brought on as a result of sexual abuse by SAWH #2 who she divorced & is now in recovery with H #3 who....you guessed it...is SA! Damn! Aren't there any just "slightly" damaged people out there? I just can't handle that kind of load right off the bat so I'm just going to stay here!!!!

I do believe that everyone has some codependent traits of varying degrees whether we think so or not. Who out there wasn't taught to let your friends go first? You go last to show how nice you are. Just sayin.....

My IC asked tonight if I would be interested in meeting with women from H's SA group. Why yes....yes I would! Just to talk across the table & not have to wait on my turn or worry about how I need to phrase what I need to say. That to me sounds pretty good. This is way more than I ever, EVER signed up for!


BS - 57
SAWH - 60 multiple encounters with prostitutes and other sex workers
Married 36 years
Dday - 2/19/13 - found the emails
I'm not crazy I'm just a little unwell

Posts: 497 | Registered: Apr 2013
thebighurt
♀ Member
Member # 34722
Default  Posted: 11:35 PM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Missymomma, I have read in the NPD thread. Two ICs have told me they feel xpos at least shows tendencies. I've also checked out articles on the topic.

I found the thread on here to be more real and helpful in understanding what really goes on because it's real people expressing real experiences, using everyday terms and often in anguished ways so heartbreakingly sad or with anger you wouldn't find anywhere else.

I did not feel it totally fit him and, honestly, there are so many other issues I'm facing and dealing with, I really don't have time for it.

Edited because of the danged phone! Again!

[This message edited by thebighurt at 11:40 PM, June 18th (Tuesday)]


Finding what life could have been....... Why didn't I see it?

Posts: 1972 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: the Other Side
Missymomma
♀ Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 10:58 AM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thebighurt - Sorry if I offended you, it wasn't my intent. Just sounded like you had some heavy stuff that might fit on the NPD thread. (((hugs))) to you and making it through this.

Strongalone - Sorry for your SAs relapse or lack of recovery. There are several people in my group that have spouses that weren't really in recovery. When the bottom fell out again, some chose true recovery and some just stayed wholeheartedly in their addiction. The recovery rate for all addictions are pretty low. It is the sad truth.

Outta - You bring so much to this thread! Sorry you can't find a healthy group. It took me a while to find the one I am in. Is there a CODA or Al-Annon group you could try? I have really come to love the people in my group.

Things are just plugging along. Having a hard time writing my impact letter. Partially because it is hard to be that vulnerable. I am getting close to being vulnerable with my SAWH, but not quite ready to make that leap.


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
sadone29
♀ Member
Member # 38597
Default  Posted: 11:06 AM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Missymomma, no peace for me, unfortunately. Speaking of codependency, I am so severely in it that I'm driving myself crazy. Or maybe I'm going crazy because I finally see the codependency and I'm fighting against it. As soon as we decided to try separation, I panicked again. I'm terrified of being alone. But on the other hand, I know this isn't a healthy relationship and when I think of trying to make it work, I wonder if it's more for him than for me. I know it's insane that I worry about hurting him when he's the one who hurt me so deeply, but I've always put the feelings of others before my own. I'm so very tired of this roller coaster.
Thanks for asking how I'm doing. It helps to talk about it.


SAWH: working hard on all addictions
Out of limbo hell. R Feb. 15
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding -proverbs 3:5

Posts: 456 | Registered: Mar 2013
Missymomma
♀ Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 11:22 AM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sadone - (((hugs))) this is tough stuff to deal with. I totally understand putting their feelings first, I did that for a very long time. When you stop doing it, expect resistance. It is amazing how suddenly you get accused of being selfish! I love a reading in The Language of Letting Go, it talks about flack. We will receive flack as we start to make healthier choices. To recognize that it is just flack and won't hurt us. If anyone doesn't have that book, I highly recommend it! Not every reading applies for me but those that do are profound.


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
outtanowhere
♀ Member
Member # 39001
Default  Posted: 11:26 AM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just a thought but, would it be possible to set up some kind of conference call between any interested parties from this site? I'm pretty sure it's possible but, I'm technolocially challenged so have no idea how to make it work. I really think that the words of the wiser women here would feel like a balm for those of us who are just getting their feet wet.

Comments?


BS - 57
SAWH - 60 multiple encounters with prostitutes and other sex workers
Married 36 years
Dday - 2/19/13 - found the emails
I'm not crazy I'm just a little unwell

Posts: 497 | Registered: Apr 2013
Missymomma
♀ Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 11:36 AM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Outta - I would have no idea how that works! COSA has telemeetings, pretty much every day. If you look on their website, you can see them.


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
thebighurt
♀ Member
Member # 34722
Default  Posted: 12:14 PM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Missymomma, I have no idea how you would have offended me. Not a problem at all. I felt I needed to say that I had considered his NPD. As has been said, it's difficult to sort this all out and remember everything about everyone, especially true when there is a thread change to new parts.

and when I think of trying to make it work, I wonder if it's more for him than for me.

Sadone, if I had disregarded him and had IC years before when I wanted it, after he refused MC and IC for him, I would have known years earlier that the whole M was for him. And this week's IC made it crystal clear, even if I hadn't already realized to some degree.

I'm so sad for me and trying to unstick myself and move forward. This has hit me hard. I thought I was almost healed, but this feels like a setback. I can still say I'm doing well (comparatively to what I was Dday or a year ago). I'm happy with my relationships with family and friends IRL and being able to come here with things, but this paints a whole new color and it clashes with the healing color I was painting my life. On that dimension, I have a lot more to do.


Finding what life could have been....... Why didn't I see it?

Posts: 1972 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: the Other Side
cds22
♀ Member
Member # 39083
Default  Posted: 1:06 PM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sadone, I think we all find it scary. Sometimes I find myself here or online in general reading about SA frantically trying to answer the question, "How will my life turn out?" And in a sense I already know the answer because I decide how my life turns out. So, if you are thinking, what will happen to me if we separate remind yourself that you get to decide what happens to you.

It is sad and scary and awful. I certainly see that. I am thinking about asking my H to stay home from our vacation and possibly to separate out of house for two months. I hate to put my kids through that if there is a chance we will get back together. But I also don't know that I am cut out for being the person both dealing with her devastation and picking up all the slack at home while the SA is in treatment. At this point my day to day life would be easier if H, and all the emotions he triggers, was not in my physical space. Sigh.

Outta, I am up for a call at some point but it would need to be a month or two out. I am going on this extended vacation for almost a month.


Posts: 210 | Registered: Apr 2013
Compartmented
Member
Member # 29410
Default  Posted: 1:51 PM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is there a CODA or Al-Annon group you could try?

I get a lot out of my Al-Anon group. My X is a hard-core alcoholic as well, but I still have found help there when dealing with the pain of the sexual betrayals. I think that it's common that alcoholics will be cheaters as well, so you may find kindred spirits. I know I have run across people in Al-Anon who know sex addicts or are in SA.

I certainly have put my "stuff" out there in Al-Anon about the sexual betrayals, at times.


Posts: 1060 | Registered: Aug 2010
cds22
♀ Member
Member # 39083
Default  Posted: 3:19 PM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Does anyone know an actual rate of permanent recovery, no major cheating-style relapses, which I would personally define as any sexual acting out or a return to sustained, compulsive porn viewing?

Is it realistic for me to think that if the H commits to recovery we have a good shot at living the rest of our marital life, probably 3-4 decades, without him cheating again?

I asked the CSAT this a few months ago around D-day and they told me that with SA committing to IC, group therapy, and SA/sponsor the recovery rate was 70-80%. They could not clearly answer my questions about if that figure included major relapses or not.

I know each case is different, but I would really like to know here on a statistical basis if I am p*ssing in the wind!


Posts: 210 | Registered: Apr 2013
Missymomma
♀ Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 3:39 PM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

CDS - We have had this debate several times on this thread. Personally, I don't buy the really high recovery rate that CSATs quote. Mine said 80-90% with the three pronged approach. I also don't buy the 5% recovery rate that others quote, that is based on previous studies without treatment. 5% is the spontaneous recovery rate for any addiction. Statistics for other addictions show that the recovery is about 40%, although it seems statistics have been going up and they are showing up to 60% on some studies. My eldest was an addiction researcher and most of the people she worked with said 35-45%. It seems to me that the sex addiction recovery rate is about the same. That is my view from all of the reading I have done and my own experiences.


DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 4:29 PM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We could have an online meeting if ONE person has Skype premium...

I'll investigate any services that may be totally free.


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2932 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
scaredyKat
♀ Member
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 6:31 PM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Google+ with hangouts is free and allows video chats with up to 10 people. Here's what I found...

Google+ (G+ for short) may not be the Facebook killer Google wanted it to be, but one of its handier auxiliary features is Hangouts. This group-conferencing function allows up to ten G+ users to chat in real time via camera, microphone or text.

Aside from a G+ account and a webcam/mike, you'll need either a browser plugin (available for just about all late-model browsers) or the G+ client app for phones or tablets. Those who don't have cameras can be invited to participate via phone, and everyone in the hangout can contribute via text chat. Note that text chats in Hangouts are not saved in your Gmail chat history for those contacts, so you'll have to log those conversations manually if you need them.

It could be done with or without "faces" maintaining anonymity, and with or without voices, only chat could be used. And of course, you would only join if you wanted to on any given time.

Personally, I tried an online meeting with ONLY chat and found it frustrating. One was supposed to only type short, three-four word phrases before hitting enter. The good thing was that it still followed a 12 step format so it didn't go on forever.

So, we can explore this if anyone is interested and develop something, formal or informal, or just meet to chat from time to time. I can explore the technology unless someone else is better suited than I.


Me-BS-59
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 2932 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 6:52 PM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Howdy ladies. Summer is kicking my butt. Why did I think having all three home from school would be easier?

I'm game to try the video/chat stuff, but I doubt I will get to until the kids are back in school in the fall. I do not as a rule do the chat thing, but it's mainly again because of littles underfoot, not because I don't like it or can't do it. It would be interesting to see how it works to have that many chatting, especially video, at once.

My two cents on recovery rate? I think it's probably fair to say of all a CSAT's addict patients, if they are fully committed to the three pronged approach, that on average 60-70% do not have a major relapse. But as a percentage of ALL the addicts they have as clients, that is probably a very low number. I just don't see that many committing to all three that fully, and many that would may not logistically be able to due to local resources. So chances of success not very good overall. That being said I have seen success stories, but only those in the three pronged approach.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1408 | Registered: Jun 2011
putonahappyface
♀ Member
Member # 30269
Default  Posted: 9:09 AM, June 20th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Chef (& others),

My SA has had no slips since dday of the porn addiction. He is 217 days sober today (I usually don't know this #, but he sees his CSAT today so we were discussing it). He follows the 3 prong approach that you all have mentioned, & is the happiest & healthiest that he's ever been. He still reads quite a bit, goes to SA 2x week & sees his CSAT every 3 weeks (schedule determined by CSAT). He is truly not the same man he was!

That being said, as I shared with my S-Anon group the other day, I am not naive enough anymore to believe that this couldn't change. He hasn't been tested: no crises or drama since last Nov to really test his new way of managing stress or coping with a difficult situation. As I've said here before, due to all the hard work he's done & his consistent trustworthy behavior, I'm willing to take this leap of faith.

In the meantime, I will continue to work on my own healing & the recovery of my joy & well being. Still some work to do in the sex dept., but I can say that the 90 day abstinence period (or whatever length feels right) was a Godsend & I wouldn't move forward with an SA without it!

Hugs & prayers to all. And if you haven't read Mending a Shattered Heart, please do so ASAP 😊


BS (me) - 49; SAWH- 50 (hurtherbadly)
Married 26 yrs
2 DS - 20 &16
Dday 6/4/2010. 2 EA/PA
11/15/12 update: found lots of porn on phone: SA discovery


Posts: 708 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Bluegrass
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