Missy, I'm with you that your WH isn't doing enough. And whining about how awful they have it is just a slap in the face to us. Ripped has it right! Who the fuck else would have you, knowing what we know????
Things are still limbo-y here. WH has decided he wants to be with me and he's read the book, accepted the SA (again) and thinks he is working to change. However, in the past week he has done exactly nothing. Again. I even found a couple of CSAT's who do appointments via skype! Could he be bothered to contact them? No.
And he is still hiding stuff from me. He had a text conversation with SIL (the one that cheated on her H). Apparently SIL and OM are coming here in late December and she asked WH if he knew of a house they could rent. He hasn't said a word to me about this.
Also, yesterday was his DD's 27th bday. OW wished her a happy bday on FB. DD couldn't STAND her before all this shit went down. Now they are buds. Then MIL "liked" the happy birthday post. Meanwhile, I am still blocked on MIL's FB.
I'm so discouraged. Even if we did somehow manage to put this back together, OW has gotten herself firmly entrenched in his family. They all hated her before, but now they are all besties. How do I handle that?? I can't. And I don't WANT to.
I also found out that MIL/FIL are coming to visit in October. Their first trip here since we moved here 2 years ago. When did they buy their tickets? Days after I moved out. Fuckers. Luckily for me, DD and I will be in California at the exact same time. Dodged that one.
This is just so hard. There is so much OUTSIDE of the SA to overcome and the SA shit is HUGE!!!!! I don't know if I can do this and I am really not sure if I even want to try. I'm so tired and I'm so hurt by his family and I'm so sick of being the outsider when the WHORE is part of the family. It's 20-11 ways to fucked up.
Thanks for letting me rant. It's a really bad day. Anti-versary is fast approaching as is our wedding anniversary. This sucks balls.
When I started seeing that he was straying or at least I was suspecting it, I started becoming more obsessed with work and almost punishing my body and just got bigger. Then that led to pregnancy years and we all know where that goes.
When full disclosure came out last year 3 weeks after my son was born, I really messed myself up. I was so enthused about losing weight and feeling great and when everything came out, I said fuck it. So now here I am with my 3rd pregnancy with GD for the first time.
Now that he is in recovery and we are R, I have made it my plan that there are just no excuses anymore for not taking care of me. There is a part of me that says IF I do decide to leave this marriage, I'm not leaving with low-self-esteem and body image issues. I want to feel I put my whole confident self in. I need to feel my own strength.
The toughest part of recovery right now is trying not to obsess over him and what he is doing and focus more on what I am doing to better myself for ME. I'm not happy at this weight and not happy at the way I look (despite pregnancies). My looks change the way I act and treat others and it bothers me and really --- that is not his fault. My depression over the years has definitely contributed, but I could have picked up my britches and done better.
Having DD2 - I need her to learn and see strength. As I said, whether I stay or go --- I've got to take care of me.
Ripped - - I hope I didn't sound critical of you. My annoyance is all directed at your spouse! I just hate to see you feeling bad about yourself as a result of his behavior. Also, I think slip versus relapse is defined by the therapist and. SA. But if he was on hook-up sites --that is actively searching and even communicating with other people also looking for sex - - I would be surprised if anyone would define that as a slip?? I would also be wary of factoring his iq into the equation in any way except for that it is that kind of I am special, the rules don't apply to me that facilitated his sex addiction. Not feeling remorse is a sign the person is not into recovery fully or has a serious personality disorder, nothing to do with iq.
Missymomma-that sucks. I am really sorry to hear of this rough patch and I hope it passes.
Hath-I would take the win. You mentioned your H might have aspergers/autism traits and I would imagine that kind of concreteness does not mix well with the poly.
CTdean-absolutely you can come up with boundaries post disclosure and any time you like. That is your right and a necessity for self-protection. The basic idea is that the boundaries are primarily about protecting you, each has a consequence, and it is extremely important that you enforce them, for all involved. As for slips I think the key is defining a slip versus relapse appropriately. For us, given my H's SA history, viewing porn AND promptly going to sponsor/CSAT is a slip as is looking at vogue or something. Virtually anything else is a relapse. Good luck!
[This message edited by cds22 at 9:55 AM, September 24th (Tuesday)]
hath - I read your posts with interest bc my H has his first poly tomorrow, and his CSAT is doing it for the same reason that your H's is - as a precursor to getting him into group. My H has only admitted to porn and bc of the amount of cash going out of our bank acct each month, I think the CSAT is thinking strippers or prostitutes, so he wants to poly to see if there is anything else so he will know what group to put him in. I will find out the results of the poly next week, so I'll let you all know how it goes. As for your H's poly, I think you have a really good understanding of why your H's results were "indeterminate," so I feel like this is really a "pass." I hope your H is able to get into group soon.
Missy - so sorry, but you are doing great by taking care of you.
CM - that is a lot to wade through! It can seem insurmountable at times. The way will become clear.
I hesitate to post this, but here it goes.... So, for a little fun on my end: there is this guy in my yoga class who is good-looking, does lots of yoga, and is interested in me! He is 9 years younger than me, so that is very flattering. I have this strong attraction to him and it has put a smile on my face. I am very mellow and in good shape bc of all the yoga I am doing so I can see this guy! Anyway, 2x4s welcome; it has just been a bright spot for me to feel desired by someone after all the years of sexual rejection and infrequent, terrible sex with my H. This guy has definitely awakened my sexuality again and it feels so good! If this is what dating feels like, it is AWESOME!
And two, I totally get the result of other male attention. When SAWH failed the poly the first time, and acted like such a shit when we found the results, I took off my wedding ring. And I didn't do it to make a statement to anyone else, I just didn't want to wear it anymore because it was a trigger. It was so funny, once I took it off, it was December and SAWH had more time off than normal, and since I really didn't want to spend it with him, he did a lot of babysitting so I could do errands and stuff alone. And it took me a couple of weeks to realize that men were not being extra friendly because of the holiday spirit, they were actually flirting and hitting on me because they thought I was single. I really didn't do errands and such without the kids and certainly not ringless for so long I forgot people make such assumptions. I mean, if a lady with no kids and no rings goes to Trader Joes and loads up on individual entrees and chocolate, she's fair game, right? :) It's pretty awesome when someone easily ten years younger hits on you. It's even more awesome when it happens repeatedly. I take the ego boost whenever I can get it.
AFM, things are better since MC but I am still not feeling good about where my SAWH is. Wondering if the work addiction has kicked in again and that is what I am seeing or something else. Bottom line is he has to get a new CSAT and we have gotten the name of another good one.
cds - yes, I agree - healthy men; imagine that...... Thank you!
sK - glad you got some of that male attention too! I don't think you're pathetic re: gym rat/house cleaning - you were channeling that energy in a healthy and productive way.
Missy - thanks for the words of caution! I am thinking the same thing re: I still have my wedding ring on and I am feeling a little guilty like I am acting like a WS, BUT I have filed for D, so it is not like I am deceiving my H into thinking our M is all peaches and roses and then trying to get a little on the side. If I ever actually talk to yoga guy, if he tries to ask me out, I will ask him what he is thinking when I have a wedding ring on. To be fair though, it must be confusing to him since the sexual vibes I am sending him (not on purpose - I just have those feelings and can't figure out how to shut them off) could be felt in the next state!
Thanks for all the comments, ladies, and I'll keep you updated with any juicy details for your reading pleasure...
Small update: I moved in on Monday night and I gave him a list of boundaries, he complies with all of them. I listed no physical acting out, SA meetings, CSAT, STD testing, no websites that facilitated his acting out, sleeping separate, among other ones. Since Monday he has gone to 3 SA meetings and plans to go to 2 more this week, and CSAT coming soon. Let's hope he keeps it up, he says he likes going because he feels supported. We have had an ok week, we try to talk everyday to re-connect but I can't show much affection to him.
Cd- thanks for the advice on the fertility issue, like I need more to worry about! Your words actually really helped to put my mind at ease and I haven't thought about it as much anymore.. Truly taking it one day at a time now and not trying to think in 'years from now'. I agree with you on your post about your thoughts on SA, I love the points you touched, thanks for sharing that, it makes me feel like somehow I am doing things right.
SK- I hope you are right.. I feel so blessed to have found this site from even before dday, I hope that with all this advice I can head on a healthy path and do things right. The thought of a relapse terrifies me.. I need to learn more about slips vs relapses and things, and honestly, besides the consequence of me leaving should he be physical with anyone else, I don't know what consequences would be appropriate for other types of slips or relapses.. How do I enforce that? And more so, how do I even know if he has relapsed?? I feel like I would never know... I didn't know for 7 years, how could I know now? :( I have taken control of the cash and I can track where he goes with his phone, but his acting out was so easy to get done, an email to someone and it's done. Secret emails are so easy to hide.
Woman- I agree with you.. One of my thoughts was, we have been married only 3 years, we can make the rest count and be better than these sucky 3 ones (although they weren't sucky, just the finding out part tainted everything). I think I have mostly accepted that it will take a long time and hard work, one of my strengths is that I am patient (maybe why I feel taken advantage of :/ ). I hope that you can find patience and strength to carry on, I have also set a deadline of 1 year to see how things go. Hoping for the best for you and me!
Ripped- thanks, I am also learning to set boundaries, I hope it works out. I completely understand where you come from about getting better for you. I feel that if I wasn't here he wouldn't be motivated to get better. I find it hard to give him affection tho..but I try.. He hugs me, likes to hold my hand, tells me he loves me, and kisses me.. I don't really let him kiss me on the lips :/ but he tries sometimes, I don't really pull away either.. I don't know.. Maybe it's too fresh.. Too many triggers at the moment :(
Polly- I too think about that sometimes, wishing we would relapse, and then other days I feel terrified that he would do it.. Such a confusing time.. Hugs to you..
Missy- I'm so sorry to hear this is happening to you.. I don't have advice for you since I'm new, but only good wishes that things will work out soon for you guys, I am glad to see that you are stronger as a person.. That is always good! sending you many hugs!
I've been trying to keep up with the reading, but haven't had the mental energy to jump in. I guess I've very much been in the mentality of wanting a break from all this. I feel like we're in some race to 'get better'. I know H feels like this too, he says he gets tired of only feeling like an addict now. Not that he's backing out, he's very much diving into his recovery lately. So much so that we don't see him much (the kids have started to complain).
cds22, H started binge eating probably around the time he got hooked on porn (about 14). So, I've definitely have been a co-addict in that respect. It got worse once the kids were born. I used to never say anything, because he always gave that air of 'no body tells me what to do'. So early in our relationship, every time he would make a commitment to change and try to get healthy,I felt hopeful and happy. Then of course there was no follow through and disappointment would set in after years of this, I simply gave up and even joined him. I gained 50 pounds since our kids were born. I've lost about 25 since DDay and I've been trying to be healthy for me now.
Another thing going on for me: I will be going to my first job interview in about a decade next Friday. Yay me, right? Not really. It's a job I already had when I was about 20. It's a horrid, stressful job, but pays extremely well. When I had it the first time, I would have to run to the washroom to cry and after work, I'd just crawl into a ball.
So now what do I do? Can I afford to turn it down? Can I really take on more stress?
I really hate my life right now. Nothing seems easy. My mind is constantly battling with itself. Nothing looks clear. I'm so tired.
I completely get so much of what you wrote: from not having the mental energy to jump in and comment on this thread to the feeling of being in a race to get better. I also have a food addict on my hands with the promises of changing, then the disappointment of no follow-through.
As for your job, are you getting a job to be more independent so that you can leave your H? Is it necessary to get this job? Since it sounds so awful, my gut is to not take it - you certainly don't need more stress right now! This is the time to take care of YOU, not add more stress. I don't know the particulars of your situation, but I know when you are stressed and feeling hopeless, unclear and tired, it is difficult to think of alternatives. What are you doing to take care of yourself now? Exercise? Prayer? Meditation? Spa? Hot baths? Be so gentle with yourself right now. Big hugs to you, hon.
I guess my motivation to take the job would be fear. I want to be able to survive and be able to take care of the kids if things don't work out. But right now, we seem to be in an all right place. H and I actually have been getting along. We talk about separating sometimes, if just to have space to concentrate on recovery. If that happened, we both agreed we would find a new place where we could have our own space. He tells me over and over again, even if we divorce, he would support me in any way, since I supported him on his journey to find his career. It's not something I would want him to do, but I actually believe him. Maybe I'm crazy. I try not to listen to his words, but look at his actions. He has consistently acted in a way that shows true remorse and kindness toward me. Even if the marriage doesn't work out, I do think we can act in a way that will support our kids. Maybe it's codependency, but if I help him, my kids will also be healthier. And to me, that's more important than independence or revenge or anything.
The food issue is so difficult too! After he went over 300 pounds, we just stopped weighing. But I can't help but feel bad for the kids. And he does too, of course! Addiction is such an awful thing. It robs people of so much.
Carb addiction in SAs apparently is very common. Since all addicts, and especially SAs, tend to bounce around several addictions (think of all those movies of AA meetings with people chain-smoking and swilling potfuls of bad coffee, LOL) carb addiction is very often present. Something about carbs can be addictive as crack. IDK, there was an article in the waiting room of the CSAT office SAWH uses but I didn't read it in full. I can say that in my group therapy several of the SA husbands put on a lot of weight after DD and/or when the addiction began to spiral out of control.
Second, Sadone, I applaud you for going back to work, even if it is a job you don't want. Maybe this time around, with new perspective, it won't seem so bad. And honestly if it makes you sick, then leave. But my guess is it is a stepping stone for you to greener pastures. I also stayed stayed home with the kids for nearly a decade after a successful career/getting an MBA, but now am barely employable in this location of super high unemployment. I took outwardly looking crap job - lunch lady in a middle school. But it is hours when my kids are in school, and it establishes local employment history and references for me long term. And because the food service is employed by the school and not a contractor, I now have already passed all the red tape to be considered for ANY position for the school district PLUS now I have state government work history. I may be a dishwasher, LOL, but I am happy to wash those pots and pans because it is just a brief stepping stone to a better life in the future. I hope this job will be that for you too.
Question, do you still dress sexy in front of your SAWH? Do you show cleavage,wear shor skirts when you go to dinner and stuff,etc.?
I am just asking if your CSAT or any other therapist say that's something that impacts the SA.
Torn, I am now very careful to not dress sexy in front of H. I just won't consider being intimate until he has his 90 days, which doesn't seem to be coming any time soon. Even then, I don't know...
For those of you with kids, can you go and take a look and try to help me? I am looking for language to protect my children from porn, OW, OM, other SAs, strangers, alcohol, maybe even neglect when/if he ever engages in any SA behavior when the kids are around. (As far as I can tell, he hasn't done this yet, but you never know with a SA.) I don't even need any legal language - I'm more concerned with addressing every single possible threat to my kids. The lawyers can come up with specific language.
Anyhow, any help would be so appreciated. I am guessing that the parenting evaluator might force him into some sort of treatment, so that would be in there too, but I'm not sure.
ctd - I would personally suggest having all of your hormone levels checked, especially those around the thyroid. Having children and stress can really throw those out of whack and contribute to weight gain. I was 45 lbs heavier a few years back and it was from hypothyroid, the kind that is triggered from stress and illness. PM me if you having any questions or if you want more info on it. I had a host of symptoms that no one could figure out until I found a doctor that looked at everything. Also for boundaries, look at this link http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=498627&AP=1
SJ - Sounds like a good start! Hopefully he finds a good CSAT, which makes all the difference!
CH - Sorry, I have no such language. Except to put a clause that anyone that will be spending some time with your children shall get a background check.
AFM, things are going much better! After talking some more with my SAWH, he realized that he has slipped into work addiction. He acknowledged it and apologized. Things seem to be doing better.