Obviously, everyone is different, but I was wondering if some of you could share what you were thinking at this point in the recovery process. Were you more at peace? Did you feel like your SAWS was starting to understand how extensive the damage was? Overall was SAWS remorseful? Did you get an overall sense of sincerity (like were they not just saying it but also did they believe it?).
I think that MC is not a good idea for at least the first year of recovery. There are a lot of things that need to be addressed before there is any point to MC. In fact, we hardly did any MC in the last 4 years, because our personal recoveries came first. The relationship stuff will fall into place a lot easier if there is personal recovery.
For myself, I did not start to feel peace for the first year and a half. Until that point I was still very unsure whether we would R, and I had a lot of anger about things. 4 months of recovery is not much for your SAWH. I realize that it seems like a lifetime since your d-day 7 months ago, but recovery is a long, hard road. At 4 months of recovery I was seeing consistent recovery motions (going to groups, therapy, etc.) and definite regret, but he was only just beginning to understand the devastation and true remorse takes even longer. It takes the addict a LONG time to get out of their "poor me" inner focus. We were not able to begin truly interacting in an emotionally intimate (and obviously not sexually intimate, for emotional intimacy needs to come first) way until well over the one year mark.
Every case is different, but this takes a lot of time.
Our bucket list trip to Europe was marred by SAFWH's assholian behavior to a large extent. He was petulant, childish and just plain ridiculous, pissed about who-knows-what. Topped off by a drunken raging temper tantrum one night where he accused me of all sorts of things, but he doesn't remember it now.
Desert island anyone?
To the newbies, hugs. This is a lifelong effort.
Vacation/life shouldn't be this hard.
I'm struggling. It doesn't help I have had flu and pneumonia. For the first time in his life, SAWH came through and did everything right while I was sick. My special needs kid imploded several times at school, and he took care of all of it since I was down - even taking off work to stay home with her because I was really too sick to do so. He's at the best he's been regarding his recovery.
But still I'm not that impressed. I'm resentful it has taken him this long to get here. I'm resentful he's spending so much time in meetings/group/IC, and then I'm resentful when he skips because I'm sick or work gets in the way. I feel like I keep getting sick because of everything that happens. I actually said to him the other night, I feel like crap and have watch way too much crime drama tv. Please reassure me you are not trying to kill me.
I'm ready for the rollercoaster to go back up again.
Hath-I can't imagine all that illness, the demands of a child's special needs, and a sloooooow recovery to boot. Maybe just try to get yourself better physically and I think everything else will seem a bit brighter. Are you sleeping 7-8 hours per night on a regular basis? IME sleep has the single biggest impact on the immune system.
Womaninflux, I think you asked about what we are seeing in recovery. You and I have very similar timing. I have actually seen true remorse--devastation really--from my H for some months now. I feel like he really gets it and in fact has brought up aspects of the pain of his SA/infidelity and how it was hurtful to me that I hadn't really considered! Therapy has helped with this and I believe part of his prep for disclosure is a letter written by him from my perspective about the impact on me. He is working on that now. I do feel like he is sincere and determined too. Where I feel like there is work to be done still is on the intimacy piece and also integrating empathy into the day to day. He is very empathetic about the infidelity/SA and about many big things but he falls down sometimes on the smaller items. Anyway, that is where we are. I will say his therapist is great, his SA group has high sobriety, his sponsor is rigorous and H has done some pretty extensive writing for that . . . and my H has no major comorbidities and I don't think was as far progressed in the disease as most. ETA *I* am not at peace. To the contrary, I think the initial shock is fading and I am confronting the damage to our marriage and to us. We can't do much in the way of MC right now because H's recovery work is so intense and it just feels like a huge question --one that won't be answered any time soon -- as to whether we can rebuild a happy, healthy marriage.
As for me, a quick question. Does anyone have resources for learning or doing daily meditation? Ideally something I can implement pretty quickly. My problem is mainly dealing with anxiety and clearing my mind -- there is so much buzzing in my brain it is interfering with work and my general quality of life. I looked into transcendental meditation and it is an option but looked expensive and time-consuming. So I thought I would try some other type of meditation first, buddhist, mindfulness, whatever might work!
Thanks in advance for any ideas.
[This message edited by cds22 at 7:47 PM, October 16th (Wednesday)]
I feel so much more at peace than I did a year ago. For one I know I am not crazy. Two, I know I will make it through this - whether I will be married on the other side is not certain. But I know I will be ok. I am very lucky - I have awesome friends that are really helping me through this. This experience has made me much more appreciative of those around me and also more empathetic to others . We all know...you never know WTH is going on in someone's marriage/life.
cds, I know exactly how you feel. Even though it seems like I have so much more clarity every day. All the information from the various literature I read 7 months ago only now seems to be sinking in. I'm finally realizing that this really did happen and, I hate it. I downloaded the guided imagry that Missy suggested and have listened to it for the last two night. It's amazing how I can actually feel my heart rate slow down. As I mentioned some time ago, I have developed high blood pressure as a result of the sheer anxiety associated with our situation therefore, I seem to have a constant headache which just makes me angry. It doesn't seem to ever end.
As for us, things have been on an even keel. H is very involved with his SA group, much improved attitude but, every couple of weeks falls in the Eeore syndrome (Thanks for noticing, poor me) which totally pisses me off. We spend a day or two resetting and then seem to reacclimate. I just can't stand this constant extremes.
I fall in the "too early to tell" column as far as M. As soon as I start to think I have a grip on things the bottom falls out from under me. Seems we've all had some trying times lately. Maybe its some kind of lunar phenomenon huh? I want you all to know that you are in my thoughts and prayers every single day. We are so much stronger than we ever knew we could be!
[This message edited by outtanowhere at 9:50 PM, October 16th (Wednesday)]
wif, as you know, our DDays were close together, and I've been wondering the same things. At 7 months, he's still very remorseful, answers all questions and listens to whatever I need to talk about. After being 'okay' for a while, I had a really down time the past few days. We finally talked about it yesterday and I'm back to being 'better'. Though, what is better in this mess? I don't know! I don't scream and yell, I feel compassion for H, but in the end, I'm still not sure if a marriage will be right for me.
Also, I have been tested for STI's. And next week I start treatment for what came out in the tests. *sigh* At least it's not HIV or something incurable.
I know it's illogical to think this last ONS's possible pregnancy could be the straw that breaks the camel's back. But that is how it feels, as if she is the reason that my life is falling apart.
It's one of those stupid situations that come from this, isn't it? Our spouses compartmentalized for years, and now that we know, we're forced to do it too, just to get through the ordinary things in life. At first, I really had to pretend to be okay. It does get better, though. I'm only 7 months from DDay and I'm acting less now and can enjoy a lot of things.
As a matter of fact. I'm feeling pretty rattled. I have really slacked off of monitoring for a few weeks so, Monday night I took a look. I found about four hits on a website that was visited about 2 weeks ago so, I pulled them up. They were very suggestive pictures of well endowed celebrities obviously taken by the paparazzi. I was pissed. When I asked H about it he totally denied having looked at such pictures. The only other person that has access to that computer is our son who comes by occasionally to use the internet.
Of course, I began to think the worst. My mind raced with the thought that my son has been infected with this disease. I told H last night my concerns and, as usual, he blew it off that I was being paranoid. I pulled the pics back up and called him into the room and, what do you know? Now, he does remember that he clicked on an ad that took him to that website! Oh yeah, he remembers now looking at Kim Kardashian's big ass and boobs. All four pictures. He's laughing it off as a big misunderstanding. I am not amused. I told him that even if it was a mistake, once he saw it he should have closed it. Instead, he chose to keeping clicking. Keep drinking that image in.
He insist it did nothing for him. I don't believe that either. I don't think he is even a the place where he can be honest with himself much less with me.
He texted me this morning and apologized. He told me he understood that he made a bad choice and why I was upset. Says he understands "slippery slope" behavior now. WTH? What is he learning at those SA meetings?
Anyway, now I feel like a mother needing to put her child in time out for bad behavior. I don't think I am rational enough to decide what needs to happen now. I need help.
The reason it feels illogical for me is that until D-Day, I didn't know about ANY of his cheating going back five years. So for me, it's like learning about the very first ONS. The very first one had a child and claims it's his (I am now demanding a paternity test for this four year-old) and now the last ONS thinks she may be pregnant. This is why WS feels that if she is, we should quit kidding ourselves about R. He has no plans to continue with her, but he knows that having possibly two OC's and child support and visits in addition to his SA problems and the fact that some of the ONS's turned out to be underage...is too, too much damage.
All day today I've been quietly removing pictures of us from my FB and office, although I keep hoping my coworkers won't notice. I just feel like I've seen the writing on the wall and that there's little chance that we're going to make it.
It's sad that I count myself lucky (sigh) that all my H's acting out occurred with hookers. He had a vasectomy almost 30 years ago so the possibility of an OC appearing for us is slim.
I never wanted to face the future alone. It was my intention to live happily ever after with my H but, I'm accepting the fact that if I have to, I can still do that without him.
I'm sorry for your pain and all you are going through. Please stay around and we will try to help each other through.
Its terrible what you are going through now. I know that. And its all been dumped on you at once. On top of it, you probably feel worse that HE is thinking of ending it.
But, you are thinking with your heart. You may be too traumatized to make a decision right now. But remember its also your decision to make.
Think about all that he has done. The risks of stds. Possible other child(ren). Repeatedly acting out, even after being caught by the law. Do you think you can ever trust him? Do you think you want to live like that forever? I understand giving a second chance (maybe ONLY a second, no third), but if he wants to walk away, consider if its really worth fighting for it.
Also, as hathnofury said, he may be lying/manipulating you. Be careful.
To me, there was no question that I was going to follow him wherever he went. This was my happy ever after. I have no relationship with my father, and my mother is mentally ill. When I got married, it seemed I would finally have a family of my own and that affection I had been missing.
How am I supposed to go back to the way I was before, only this time with so much distance between me and the family I am close to -- my grandparents -- without losing my mind? I've been gone five years, living in a foreign country.
Besides, here I have a home and a good, stable job. But if I stay here, it means dealing with all this alone. Every problem I've had since we came here, WS and I faced it together and I found my comfort in his arms.
Hath - Oh, honey take good care of yourself. You know they say that spouses of SAs have a lot of illness. Glad that SAWH stepped up to help out. Things will seem better once you are well. You have an incredible amount of strength but even you need downtime.
Marlie - Why does leaving your SAWH mean leaving your community and job? It isn't healthy to make an addict your whole life, start to branch out more. This is one of the important parts of COSA. Look for the on-line group, there are members from all over the world that use the email group.
Outta - Sounds like your SAWH had a slip. Hopefully he reported it to his sponsor and IC. I remember my SAWH doing something about a year ago that was similar. Once he acknowledged it was a slip and dealt with it, I felt much better. It is infuriating when they don't bring it to us, that is how it is supposed to be in recovery.
cds - Did you check out that CD I recommended on itunes? It is really a great guided meditation and affirmation CD.
Well, I am off to get kiddos ready for bed and then myself.
Things with us have been ok, he went on a business trip this week for a few days and I have been so anxious, since most of his acting out was done in his stupid business trips.. I hate them so much... I wish I could just detach and not care .. Ugh ..
Missy- so glad to hear your H is back to recovery, any improvement is good and honestly it brings a smile to my face to see you a little happier :) I am also going to check out that CD you recommended.
SK- good to have you back, I'm sorry your H didn't act like a good vacation companion but at least you got to travel, I haven't been on a vacation in years.. I miss it so
Cds22- I can only imagine how it must be to have a truly remorseful husband, as for me, even though mine is doing almost everything I have asked for (all the major things), I still feel like his head is up his ass. I don't feel like he truly gets it or even understands the seriousness of the situation, and I have read enough that I shouldn't expect him to until he is well into recovery to do so. It's so disappointing and discouraging
Marlie- sorry you find yourself here. I am new myself and can only tell you that these forum has been a life saver for me since day 1. I was so lost and didn't even know where to begin, I'm still trying to find my way, but these women have been more than I could have asked for. Post as much as you need, everyone here has an open heart to help. Like the other women have told you, don't believe what he says. My H lied to me so well so many times, he lied about the amount of time he had been acting out, he played it down like he had "only" been to massage parlors for 3 years, and that he NEVER had sex with anyone WHATSOEVER, and he was so "remorseful" and crying to me that I believed him. It was a few days later that I found the truth and it was devastating :( , 7 years of casual sex with randoms, hookers, escorts, you name it..and the worst part? There may be more, I learned to not trust a word from his mouth, it's so sad, I always expect there is more. Another thing, I am worried that he is trying to manipulate you, please be careful. By him telling you that he will leave because the marriage has no chance I feel like he might be trying to make YOU ask him to stay. That could be dangerous, because if later you want to work things out, you may have no leverage. I understand your situation is different from mine because you are alone in another country, but try to put your foot down as much as possible. Do you have any friends or anyone you can confide in or stay with them for a few days without them asking questions? I feel like it should be your choice also whether you want to leave the marriage or not. Many hugs to you, I know it's hard to pretend to be ok when all you want to do is cry. I've been there not too long ago, still am there. I find no joy in anything, I feel like I have this huge cloud on top of me all the time. I did take a day off after dday to cry all wanted, and I cried everyday on the way home for weeks, as soon as I got into my car it was a 1.5 hours of crying. I just needed to let it out. So cry if you need to, little by little you will accept this reality and it won't be so hard to pretend. I still struggle with this, but those first few days were the worst of my life, I did not want to wake up. I hated waking up. I took breaks at work when I felt like breaking down and I would just cry in the bathroom, I still do some days :( it's still so overwhelming ... I'm so sorry to welcome you to this club , it is not easy, I am just starting this journey as well :(