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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Is this odd? Possible T M I
Flatlined123
♀ Member
Member # 35862
Default  Posted: 4:44 PM, June 9th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's been a little over a week since H and I were intimate. Due to schedule and my period.

I've found that I started to feel so down and sad. I just needed us to reconnect.

We've had the talk about sex vs. making love. It seemed for the longest time we were just having sex. We've always been adventurous in bed, but now I find that's not what I'm wanting so much. Once I expressed my need to have it be more "loving" H understood and was amazed by the difference even for himself.

So my question is this: is it odd to only want the loving and never a quickie? H has always said that there was no connection with OW, it was just sex. Even after this far out I still get "flashes of thoughts", not mind movies. It seems like I'm more into it when we make love and don't have even the "thoughts" then.


Me: BS 43
H : WS 46
DD #1 7-11-08
DD#2 8-21-09 same OW, A never ended.
Started R in 12-09
"If what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, I should be able to bench press a Buick."

Posts: 655 | Registered: Jun 2012
sarahm49
♀ Member
Member # 37351
Default  Posted: 5:11 PM, June 9th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think when you feel the love between you and your spouse pit makes your connection strong.and I would cal it love making. Quickies are just that. Doing it to relieve him or you is just physical sex and he can get that from any *****.

My H and I made love on a couch in a hotel room the other day . We were away for a couples weekend and just trying to connect. It was great until later that night when I remembered him telling me he fucked the ***** on her Daughters couch! Holy crap! I had a melt down! Pain like the day I found out!
So yes. I think making love is one thing. Having sex is just the act. Making love in a place you know your husband had sex with a whore is just degrading, and humiliating.

[This message edited by Deeply Scared at 6:43 AM, June 13th (Thursday)]


BS:Me 50
WH:50
D-Day Oct 20,2012
TT until final disclosure Dec 21, 2012 at polygraph.
Married 24 years

Posts: 155 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Ontario
Skan
♀ Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 5:40 PM, June 9th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When we were having HB, it was all about the sex for me. I frankly took what I needed from him because I hadn't gotten laid in a very long time. Kissing and all of that other stuff was not my interest. Having an O was.

However, I came to realize that simply screwing was doing nothing for US. For our connection. For all the relationship building that it wasn't, I might as well have visited the vegetable bin.

Now, it's love making. No matter the length of time, it's making love. I'm not interested in simply getting my rocks off as it were. I'm interested in deepening and nurturing the connection, closeness, and love that we share. Yeah, there are times when we are both quite adventurous. However most of the time, I guess that you would say that we are pretty vanilla. And that's OK with both of us.


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4586 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
jo2love
♀ Moderator
Member # 31528
Red  Posted: 6:45 PM, June 9th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

sarahm49 -

Please remember to follow the guidelines when posting.

There is to be no venting about or name calling the OP in this forum.


Posts: 33921 | Registered: Mar 2011
Flatlined123
♀ Member
Member # 35862
Default  Posted: 4:25 AM, June 10th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm glad there's someone who understands here. A serious kink for us is that our two DD are home for the summer from school.

I love them, but they do curtail our activities. No more showers to together or doing anything outside the bedroom.


Me: BS 43
H : WS 46
DD #1 7-11-08
DD#2 8-21-09 same OW, A never ended.
Started R in 12-09
"If what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, I should be able to bench press a Buick."

Posts: 655 | Registered: Jun 2012
WhatsRight
♀ Member
Member # 35417
Default  Posted: 8:13 AM, June 10th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do you think that when your need to feel loved with 'lovemaking' is being met, and you feel more secure in the relationship, you will then again be interested in "quickies" from time to time?

I used to LOVE quickies. But in light of the $40 BJ that my husband got from a prostitute, the thought repulses me. If we were reconcilling, and I felt truly loved, I think the desire for a quickie would come back.


"Noone can make you feel inferior without your concent." Eleanor Roosevelt

I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy


Posts: 1850 | Registered: Apr 2012
2married2quit
♂ Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 12:38 PM, June 10th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First 12 months after DDAY it was all HB. Now it's turned into Love making. Not as frequent, but much more meaningful. Then again, I'm still hit with images that disturb my love making.


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1234 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
Daisy312
♀ Member
Member # 36813
Default  Posted: 4:26 PM, June 10th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel the same way. We used to just have sex and I enjoyed it, but now that he was with ow I want things differently. I like to make out, and have passion. After quickies, I feel like it was what they did and then I trigger.

Posts: 245 | Registered: Sep 2012
Flatlined123
♀ Member
Member # 35862
Default  Posted: 5:27 PM, June 10th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I never thought about it that way, but I do know that when the closeness and feeling of being loved comes from making love I do want quickies too.

It seems the more H is "focused" on us the closer I feel to him, the more I want to be with him. He problem is that it can't turn into all just sex episodes. We have to have the passionate times mixed in or else I just want or crave the love making.

In short the more loved I feel, the more adventurous I feel.


Me: BS 43
H : WS 46
DD #1 7-11-08
DD#2 8-21-09 same OW, A never ended.
Started R in 12-09
"If what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, I should be able to bench press a Buick."

Posts: 655 | Registered: Jun 2012
brkn_heartd
♀ Member
Member # 30396
Default  Posted: 10:11 PM, June 10th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Personally, I struggle with the intimacy of making love. I tend to prefer the quickie because I do not have to allow my emotions to become so vulnerable. I think we each have our own individual ways to cope. It just has to work for you and your spouse.


Me-50 BS
Him 57-WS
Married 30 yrs, together 33
Affair Aug-Dec 09
official D-12/14/09
broke NC 1/31/10
second D 3/19/10

Posts: 1533 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Northwesten US
HurtButHoping12
♀ Member
Member # 34918
Default  Posted: 7:51 PM, June 11th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Before DDay, we would have LOTS of sex. Like, every other day, quickies, adventurous stuff, etc. It is VERY different now. He seems to want to go right back to where we were, and I'm just not there anymore. I struggle with a constant feeling of repulsion when he touches me. I used to have a very high sex drive, and now I am rarely in the mood. The few times I am actually in the mood, the sex is very passionate and awesome... lovemaking, versus the sex we had before. If I try to fake it because I know he is in the mood but I am not, it just ends up with me crying and him feeling awful


BW (me):30
WH (guiltfilled11): 31
together 11 years, married 5 years
DDay: July 6th 2011
False R: beginning of August
True R until DDay 06/20 - talking to another girl and lying about it
Kids: DD 7, DS 4, DD 3

On the fence... do I stay or do


Posts: 183 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: NY
Flatlined123
♀ Member
Member # 35862
Default  Posted: 5:15 AM, June 13th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've found that when it's just sex, I'm not into it as much and my mind tends to get flashes of thoughts of them together. Really kills it for me when I start thinking " he did or did he do it the same way with OW."


Me: BS 43
H : WS 46
DD #1 7-11-08
DD#2 8-21-09 same OW, A never ended.
Started R in 12-09
"If what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, I should be able to bench press a Buick."

Posts: 655 | Registered: Jun 2012
Topic Posts: 12

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