So sorry you find yourself here. SI is full of really wonderful people that have been through the hell of infidelity. Keep posting and keep reading. Please head to the Healing Library. A lot of great information as you begin to wrap your head around all of this.
I recommend contacting an IC immediately - get your thoughts together - FOR YOU.
You can't nice her or love her into staying.
You are hurt and in shock and understandably so. But right now you need to take action to protect yourself and your son.
Go see an attorney to know your rights. Knowledge is power.
If any reconciliation is possible your wife has to be in it for the right reasons. Right now she is not.
Try and take care. Eat, sleep and exercise. This information takes a toll on the body, mind and soul.
Know that you will make it through one way or another. The road is long and hard but you will come out the other side.
Sending healthy hugs.
She did this because she is broken, not because of any faults you may have.
Please take care of yourself.
The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous!
Please do not let her put any of this on you. Every marriage has issues, sure. The married couple owns those issues equally; however, her affair is hers to own alone. It is all her 100%. She will come back at you and blame you, she will re-write your history together. This will all be done to justify her affair, so she can look like she was pushed into it.
She is not remorseful and the only way a marriage can work is if the WS is remorseful, sees the damage and pain they've caused and tries their best to do all the hard work necessary.
It sounds like she has moved onto Fantasy Island and is completely happy there, I'm sorry to say.
You're early on in your discover. Right now, I would say try to take time to do things for yourself and your son. I know how hard that is going to be, but try it. Read up on the 180, it can be found in the healing library in the yellow box in the upper left corner. It will help you.
I'm sorry you find yourself, but you're in the right place.
Sending (((hugs))) and strength.
Post often, it helps.
D-Day June 12th 2008, D-Day #2 Sept 28th
D-Day #3 Feb 15th & 16th 2010, D-Day #4 Nov 29th 2010
Don't take this crap lying down. Get aggressive. They'd do it to you. They are doing it to you.
If your wife has NPD, she will behave in a way that is typical for the disorder. As wrenching as it is, it's not realistic to expect, from her, what she does not have to give.
This is the way she is. It is not a choice---it's the way her brain works. Can you live with it?
Have you found the thread for partners of people with NPD in the I Can Relate forum? In addition to that, I found lots of good information at outofthefog.net, a site for people who love someone with personality disorder.
I wanted to chime in because I am a BW who was cheated on by a NPD spouse of 20 years and there is a good thread on SI, yes. Two counselors have been able to pinpoint the disorder in Perv and one didn't even have to meet him!
It has been a horrible, terrible experience and a word of caution is to tread very carefully, very lightly, as if you are up "against" a bully at school as a kid.
The phrase "pick your battles" has never been more true at this stage in life and I have to decide each and every thing in mine and my children's life now, that has to do with him or about communication with him. I have to present things in a different way than with other people and have had to learn to be covert, where my nature is open-book.
I'm sorry to get so long-winded and could write about it for ages. Once a few things happen as you try to communicate with her, probably you will be able to make patterns out of future communication if you have to have it. If you make demands or put limits or boundaries on WW, it could backfire, but there are ways to do it that are less obvious than a different kind of person.
It's time to think of you more and your son if you can, though I suspect your mind is pretty focused on WW and the A, as mine still does, five months later. The grief periods do abate and other things will slowly begin to matter again.
Your WW sounds lucky, if I may say so, to have your devotion and love and your sons and I'm sorry she's throwing that away. It happened here as well, we were totally 100% devoted to Perv, who turned on us and then abandoned us, never to look back until it suited him and lawyers are looking.
I wish you luck, James and all the best.
The only thing that stays the same, is change. -M. Etheridge