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User Topic: Business trips
standinghere
♂ Member
Member # 34689
Default  Posted: 3:00 AM, June 15th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've worked with a lot of people who have slept around, married, single, cheating, etc.

My general approach is safety first, professionalism second, and ignore or silently listen to the gossip.

Would I travel with her?

Only in a group.

Would I stay in the same room or even allow her in mine, or go in hers, or eat a meal alone with her?

No.

I would never allow her to get me out by ourselves, but still treat her with respect, and just be on my guard and respect and enforce boundaries.

But, that is the normal day, regardless of who is around.

It is not her that you have to worry about, it is you. Nobody can make you cheat, and it is damn hard to ruin a reputation that is solid. People can try, but time tells.

The simple fact that this bothers you so much, means that you really need to be looking at yourself, you come across as having resentment toward her...and that makes you vulnerable to her.

I get hit on periodically by attractive younger women, they like me because I'm attractive, intelligent, and some if not all of them are probably looking for a KISA, the older women who do it are looking for a self esteem boost. It all happens in the course of my professional life. Reality is that it simply doesn't bother me, because I know that I'm not going to cheat (particularly after what was done to me).

But, when it starts to bother me more than a passing notice is when I need to take a long look at myself, am I feeling grounded and secure, or am I feeling insecure about myself, my appeal, my age, etc.

I know what it is like, to not feel secure, and it was then that it bothered me, because I was tempted, sex starved at home at the time, and the woman who came on to me was half my age, very attractive, ready and willing, and it made me angry.

Today, it wouldn't be an issue because my wife and I resolved our issues.


BH - Me - Late 30's (now late 40's)
WW - Her - Late 30's (now late 40's)
4 Children
Her - Love of my life...still is.
Reconciled - Partly...she can't get over it.
Her - Thunderstruck by what she did.

Posts: 1017 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: USA
standinghere
♂ Member
Member # 34689
Default  Posted: 3:07 AM, June 15th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know hat was a long post.

But, in a nutshell humans are interesting creatures.

The "slut" we despise, is often the person we turn to for a random fuck when our lives or thinking are messed up...or who we start emulating in such a situation....that goes for men as well as women.


BH - Me - Late 30's (now late 40's)
WW - Her - Late 30's (now late 40's)
4 Children
Her - Love of my life...still is.
Reconciled - Partly...she can't get over it.
Her - Thunderstruck by what she did.

Posts: 1017 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: USA
Hope24
♀ Member
Member # 9344
Default  Posted: 5:29 AM, June 15th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Stick to the issue please. This is not a man vs woman thing.

Just reacting to what you posted, dude.


She packed up her potential and all she had learned and headed out to change a few things.

Posts: 7605 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: Poolside
FinallyHappy
♀ Member
Member # 308
Default  Posted: 7:23 AM, June 15th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The "slut" we despise, is often the person we turn to for a random fuck when our lives or thinking are messed up...

You, posting as a BH, have 'random fucks'?

Is this correct, or am I misunderstanding?

that goes for men as well as women.

Women are rarely searching for a 'fuck'.

Quite the opposite.

[This message edited by FinallyHappy at 7:25 AM, June 15th (Saturday)]


"Be civil to all; sociable to many; familiar with few; friend to one; enemy to none."

~Ben~

Posts: 7338 | Registered: Jul 2002 | From: WI
nofool4u
♂ Member
Member # 38509
Default  Posted: 10:15 AM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bullshit.

Nope, no bullshit at all.


I find your entire story odd. If any one in my company was getting around like that generating that type of drama they'd be gone.

You'd think. But sorry, that isn't what is happening where I work, whether they are a man or woman. The bottom line? Unless its a superior/subordinate relationship, I suppose you cannot fire someone for affairs outside the office. On business trips? You'd think. But so far nobody is doing anything about it. Man or woman.

You've stated 16 ways how you are not a WS and never cheated. Dude. Calm down.

I am calm. Maybe you need to calm down.


You are positively frothing about this "slut" whom EVERY one hates.

Not frothing at all. Just do not want to go on any business trip with her. Simple as that.


Um, what about the married men? They caught in her web. She chloroforms them?

I already posted about that. Read it.


I've had to take business trips with men whose behavior is less than stellar. Haven't had one issue. Never.

Good for you.

I go. I work. I go back to my hotel. I don't put myself in questionable positions. No talk, no gossip, no issues.

I suspect your work environment is much different.

To me, you've drawn more attention to yourself with your actions than just going, doing your job and minding your own business.

Nope. My boss agrees and it stayed between me and him. Nobody else had to know that I simply requested to go a different week.

Thanks for your input.

[This message edited by nofool4u at 10:36 AM, June 17th (Monday)]


Me - fBS

Posts: 210 | Registered: Feb 2013
nofool4u
♂ Member
Member # 38509
Default  Posted: 10:21 AM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is not her that you have to worry about, it is you. Nobody can make you cheat, and it is damn hard to ruin a reputation that is solid.

standingthere, I quite agree. However, you don't know this situation. Rumors fly and reputation or not, people have started things. I don't associate with this person, or the men she has been with.

But I guarantee, if I were to go on this trip with this particular repeat offender, I'd be one of those men that were with her, no matter how much I'd have avoided her the entire week. That and I simply don't want to be around her. Nothing wrong with that at all.

All I can do is request a different week since that was a possibility in this situation.

[This message edited by nofool4u at 10:48 AM, June 17th (Monday)]


Me - fBS

Posts: 210 | Registered: Feb 2013
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 11:00 AM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I find your entire story odd.

I do, too. This woman sounds like trouble, but nothing in your story indicates that you are even on her radar, or that you have done anything in the past that would make someone believe that you're a likely candidate to sleep with this woman. The danger, if any, seems greatly exaggerated. Especially if you avoid this woman as much as possible during the trip.

nofool4u, I've read quite a few of your posts in recent months and get the impression that, despite the divorce, you still have a lot of pain and bitterness left over from your ex-wife's betrayal that's making if hard for you to move on. Believe me, I understand that. It changes you, leaves a big scar.

You paint a picture of a woman who is almost cartoonishly evil and so powerful that even the most innocent of men are in danger of getting caught in her web. Yet somehow management feels powerless to rid itself of her because of some vague fear that she might sue if terminated for her own bad behavior. Is that really the case?

Have you tried IC? My impression is that you are really struggling. I'm really struggling and trying to reconcile with a remorseful wife, and that's hard enough. A great MC/IC is the only thing that seems to keep me sane at times. If you haven't tried IC, I encourage you to give it a go and get some of this off your chest.


Me (BS)-45, WW-43
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
M - 18 years, 4 children
Reconciling

Posts: 1456 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
nofool4u
♂ Member
Member # 38509
Default  Posted: 11:13 AM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sal, I'm not on the radar because of the steps I take to not associate with her.
Not saying that she couldn't resist me or anything like that. But I don't put out the vibe.

And part of it is that I simply do not want to be in her presence. And I'm not going to be the talk of the office when I get back from this trip either. Its happened before, although on a smaller and kidding-like scale after coming back from a trip.

You know the type, "Don't do anything I wouldn't do", etc. But with this person, there would be more than just kidding jibes and office talk.

Bitterness? Sure, maybe a little. But that doesn't mean I can't tell it like it is and have an outspoken opinion on similar situations. IC? Nah, don't need it. It aint that bad.

Again, this is a matter of I do not want to go on a business trip with this person and it was between me and my boss who agreed.


Me - fBS

Posts: 210 | Registered: Feb 2013
PurpleBirch
♀ Member
Member # 39170
Default  Posted: 1:45 PM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Personally I think it's good that you stood your ground about this. I would probably feel uncomfortable too if I was in your situation. I completely understand where you're coming from. It's better to prevent a "situation" than to deal with one after the fact. What was that movie with Demi Moore where she cried rape when she was assaulting him (caught on voicemail too)? You don't want to be the man from that movie.


Me: BS (32)
Him: WH (31)
Married 3 years.
Confessed to PA April 21 2013.

DS (6), DS (18 months)

Aug 30 2013 He gives me back his ring with an ultimatum: "Get over it or get out".

Status: Done like dinner


Posts: 277 | Registered: May 2013 | From: The frozen North, eh?
nofool4u
♂ Member
Member # 38509
Default  Posted: 4:00 PM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks PB

Thing is, I wanted this to be quiet, which is why I wouldn't have talked about it with anyone but my boss, and he, for obvious reasons, would not talk about it with anyone else.

If my request to be able to go at another time was denied, and I was told I have to go, then I'd have hoped that when it came time to travel down with the 2 cars we took that I'd have been able to pick the one she wasn't in without having to explain why I'd rather be in the other one.

But as it stood there were a couple different weeks I could go and it worked out without anyone being any the wiser.


Me - fBS

Posts: 210 | Registered: Feb 2013
million pieces
♀ Member
Member # 27539
Default  Posted: 8:49 PM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm kinda baffled at all of the doubting responses. He didn't refuse to go on a trip with her, he requested another week. He did his request in private. I absolutely think that in certain work environments, that would be a wise move.

And yes, infidelity changes us. I know I put up boundaries WAY more than I ever did 4 yrs ago. I was very naive back then and very trusting. I am not now. And it has changed my behavior. I am FB friends w any married men right now that I'm not friends with their wife. I don't chit chat w married men at soccer games. Maybe I am paranoid, but I don't want any lines crossed or anyone to think any lines are crossed.


Me - 42
2 kids, 9 and 12
D-Day 2/5/10, separated 3 wks later
Divorced 11/15/11!!!!

Posts: 1267 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: MD
Dark Inertia
Member
Member # 30727
Default  Posted: 9:10 PM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Some of these responses are downright bullying (especially Uncertainone's) and aggressive. The OP has taken it with a lot of grace. Look, if he is uncomfortable he is uncomfortable. He was uncomfortable enough to bring it up to his superior. I am not getting why this is making people so angry and are taking such offense.

If any one in my company was getting around like that generating that type of drama they'd be gone.

No one is talking about your company and their protocol.

I've had to take business trips with men whose behavior is less than stellar. Haven't had one issue. Never. I go. I work. I go back to my hotel. I don't put myself in questionable positions. No talk, no gossip, no issues.

Honestly, I really don't think anyone here cares what you have or haven't done on a business trip. This isn't really about you. Basically what you are saying with your entire post is that since you handle the situation this way (or your company), then EVERYBODY does or should handle it in the same way. Ya know, people do approach things in different manners.

[This message edited by Dark Inertia at 9:29 PM, June 17th (Monday)]


"If I listened earlier, I wouldn't be here. But that's just the trouble with me. I give myself very good advice, but I very seldom follow it."

Posts: 1284 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: The Ohio
GabyBaby
♀ Member
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 9:29 PM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He didn't refuse to go on a trip with her, he requested another week. He did his request in private. I absolutely think that in certain work environments, that would be a wise move.
And yes, infidelity changes us. I know I put up boundaries WAY more than I ever did 4 yrs ago. I was very naive back then and very trusting. I am not now. And it has changed my behavior. I am FB friends w any married men right now that I'm not friends with their wife. I don't chit chat w married men at soccer games. Maybe I am paranoid, but I don't want any lines crossed or anyone to think any lines are crossed.

I agree with this.
I've always had more male friends than female friends, but since dealing with XWH's antics, I'm a lot more aware of how I come across or how I may be PERCEIVED as coming across (especially with married men). I've always had good boundaries, but I take even more precautions to never be alone with them, etc.

I've had to travel for business on occasion and if I felt uncomfortable about traveling with a particular person, I would certainly have a conversation with my supervisor to see what alternatives could be arranged.

[This message edited by GabyBaby at 9:31 PM, June 17th (Monday)]


Me - 42
SorryInSac (WH#2) - 47. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4, together 7yrs total
Status - Stick a fork in me...

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids - 4 dogs, 2 cats

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW) - Legally married 18yrs

I edit often for clarity.


Posts: 6540 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
Ladyogilvy
♀ Member
Member # 31558
Default  Posted: 11:39 PM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am a self proclaimed sexist but even I think your choice was completely appropriate. Avoiding The appearance of impropriety, staying out of the zone of danger and respecting your feelings about the situation are all appropriate. We're always telling people to trust their gut. I think this applies here. We talk about boundaries. Sounds like you are making your boundaries clear.

As owners of a lawfirm, I can tell you, we spend a lot of energy trying to avoid lawsuits from people looking for a paid vacation. Despite being a minority owned business, lawsuits are usually discrimination and/or sexual harassment based, one person's word against another's. White guys are usually the targets of accusations. it doesn't, matter how innocent they may be, anyone can file a lawsuit and defending the business is expensive. So, either the business spends a lot of money on lawyers or pays a settlement to save money. We don't settle frivolous lawsuits. We'd rather pay the lawyers. We also would have no problem firing a guy for making women uncomfortable if it were brought to our attention.

I can imagine, if it were a woman making men uncomfortable, that could get complicated. If people like you come forward and make complaints, it would make it possible for the employer to start documenting the problem. You probably did your employer a favor.


Me: BW a youthful 49
Him: alcoholic, sober now, WH 56
Married 19 years
Two sons, 16 & 17 years old
DD? He's still keeping secrets and only admits to what I have indisputable
evidence of... the $2000 earrings he bought her for x-mas.

Posts: 1536 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: California
RidingHealingRd
♀ Member
Member # 33867
Default  Posted: 12:35 AM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would not want to attend the conference with a known cheater either...they disgust me as well.

Better that I don't go because it would be extremely difficult for me to suppress my urge to walk up to her and hand her a stick on name tag that reads:

HELLO
My Name is...
The Office Mattress

Maybe businesses would take action against office cheaters if more people were like you and made it clear they objected to this type of behavior in the workplace.

I see nothing wrong with what you did.


ME: 54 BS
HIM: 61 WH
Married: 28 years
D'Day: 10/29/10
in R 4 years and it's working but he is putting 200% into it (as he should) to make it right again.

The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.


Posts: 2123 | Registered: Nov 2011
nofool4u
♂ Member
Member # 38509
Default  Posted: 8:57 AM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Some of these responses are downright bullying (especially Uncertainone's) and aggressive. The OP has taken it with a lot of grace.

Best to be civil when faced with incivility. But like you said, why people are getting angry about it is beyond me. Anyone that is angry about it is revealing alot.

[This message edited by nofool4u at 8:59 AM, June 18th (Tuesday)]


Me - fBS

Posts: 210 | Registered: Feb 2013
Hope24
♀ Member
Member # 9344
Default  Posted: 11:21 AM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I didn't hear anger or bullying in any of the responses. I heard strong opinions (including that of the original poster). Pretty common here on this site which is part of what makes it such a unique and wonderful place.

As for "bullying" the mods do a great job of policing that for us. We are very fortunate here.


She packed up her potential and all she had learned and headed out to change a few things.

Posts: 7605 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: Poolside
uncertainone
♀ Member
Member # 28108
Default  Posted: 11:53 AM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Anyone that is angry about it is revealing alot.

Oh, I agree completely. Didn't see anyone angry but very much agree with the "revealing a lot" part. The OP was quite revealing.

Let's see. No real dilemma as when questioned you stated your boss was fine with your request so no issue there. You weren't forced to go nor chastised for not wanting to.

Pretty much every insult that could be printed about the woman was used however when anyone questioned about the men that joined in her reindeer games the poster was told to stay on topic, as they were not the focus.

Oh, and waywards were welcome to come in and, what exactly? Either agree with the labels or shamefully own them?

Yep. Quite revealing indeed. I hope you work through some of that anger. I'm sure your SO doesn't deserve the remnents of your horrible experiences with your ex.


Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth


Posts: 6795 | Registered: Mar 2010
nofool4u
♂ Member
Member # 38509
Default  Posted: 11:58 AM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I didn't hear anger or bullying in any of the responses.

I don't consider myself being bullied to be honest. One has to have the power to bully.

As far as civility, when one starts a response with "Bullshit", they aren't bringing understanding and civility to the table.


Me - fBS

Posts: 210 | Registered: Feb 2013
nofool4u
♂ Member
Member # 38509
Default  Posted: 12:02 PM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, and waywards were welcome to come in and, what exactly? Either agree with the labels or shamefully own them?

When did I ask to agree with any lables? Are you the woman in question in this thread? No

Are you the woman who is cheating on her spouse in this thread? No.

Are the men that are acting like pigs who are sleeping with this woman the men you cheated with? No.

This thread is not about all WS's or cheaters, but rather one person who has no qualms about cheating on her husband and the men that cheat on their wives to be with her.

This site is suppose to have only those WS's who are remorseful about what they have done. Or so I have been told that the resident WS do not condone or accept that kind of behavior from other WS's here.
I am talking about one WS that is not remorseful.
This is where the revealing part comes in. If you are upset that I don't want to be with a flagrant unremorseful cheating person, then it says alot.

WS's are welcome to chime in. But if you can't be civil and tone down your anger then I respectfully request you do not respond.

Thank you

[This message edited by nofool4u at 12:08 PM, June 18th (Tuesday)]


Me - fBS

Posts: 210 | Registered: Feb 2013
Topic Posts: 62
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