Hey FL123 ( I did not read the other responses, I apologize if this is redundant)
My had W undiagnosed depression which ultimately was a contributing factor that brought me here. Awhile after Dday she got really bad to the point her IC was afraid for her safety. Long sad story.
It is like a double edged sword. It may set the stage, explain their frame of mind, but did not cause them to do it. In other words it is not very far away from saying that the disease made them do it. It becomes a convenient excuse to shift blame away from them.
Whenever my W starts on this path I correct her. In a nice way. It was not a choice to be depressed, but it was a choice to deal with it by seeking validation.
Everybody has choices to make. Those choices determine the course of our lives through the outcomes or more simply consequences.
The short answer is yes it was his fault. It was my Ws fault too. They made the choices that brought unbearable pain into our lives. They did not choose their illness, but certainly they can choose how they decide to manage it.
I begged my W to seek help. She did not. She drank too much, worked too much, projected her illness on to me and ultimately choose to have a ONS and lie to me about it for 3 years.
The choices she made are hers to own. I need her to do that. I do not need to forgive her for her illness, nor do I want to. I will, at some point, need to forgive her for the way she choose to deal with that illness. That is my choice to make.
A lot of people have Depression and can't get away from it. They can however decide how they deal with it. The choices they make are theirs and theirs alone.
ETA: A lot of WS say they did not intend to hurt their BS. They probably didn't, but if that is supposed to make us feel better, it is just another justification and a sucky one at that.Me-35 her-35
DS 1, DD 6
Dday 8/31/11. ONS that occurred 3 years earlier. Lied to for 3 years.