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Newest Member: lookingforhope79 (45081)

Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: No sex during Reconcilliation.. Why?
feelingfoolish
♀ Member
Member # 22804
Default  Posted: 7:05 PM, June 10th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry for the TMI post.

FWH and me are moving along in our R. We are in MC and our M is improving. Yet---we are hardly having sex.

FWH says he just doesn't feel as 'sexual' as he did. REALLY? My physical needs were neglected because of his A for over a year-we rarely had sex during the A. Prior to the A, our sex life was pretty damn good.

AND now that we are on the road to recovery, I need that intimacy back. I miss the closeness.

It is really affecting me and my feelings. I don't want to initiate anything for fear of rejection. But, something's got to give. Any of you ever dealt with something similar?


me-44y
H-45y M-12 yrs
2 DS-21,15

06.30.12-- full PA with 24y ho-worker
08.16.12 DDay #2-are you f**king kidding me?
R-??? trying
07.21.13-Dday #3-filed for divorce the next day
R #2-hopeful but cautious.


Posts: 524 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: emerald city, oz
sadallthetime
♀ Member
Member # 26845
Default  Posted: 9:10 PM, June 10th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is totally unacceptable. My FWH had pretty much stopped having sex with me the last few years of his 11 years of infidelity. We did have HB but I made it very clear to him that he better take charge of our sex life, initiate and be the sexual partner I need, want and deserve or I would divorce his ass and find a man who wanted and appreciated me sexually and in every way. We spent a lot of time reconnecting, making out on the couch etc. and having very good sex. Tell him exactly what you want and need and, then both of you make the time and effort to make it happen. Be positive and forceful. If your MC doesn't agree and help find another MC


Me-BW 60 now, FWH 64 now, 2 adult kids
DD#1 7-21-09 11 yr. affair w OW 30 yrs. younger who is an "escort". DD#2 7-23-09 Long Term EA with mutual friend DD#3 10-3-09 1 1/2 yr PA with escort #2 DD#4 10 yr. EA w/old GF

Posts: 104 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Florida
twodoves
♀ Member
Member # 39181
Default  Posted: 9:15 PM, June 10th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why doesn't he feel as sexual?


Me - BS
Him - WS (N3v3rG1v1ngUp)
Together 7 years, married for 2
He was cheating for 5 years
5 OW
D-days: 4/23/13, 4/27/13, 5/10/13
1 toddler, baby girl on the way in December

Posts: 160 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Illinois
MoreThanMe
♀ Member
Member # 25451
Default  Posted: 9:40 PM, June 10th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Probably totallllyyyyyy unrelated to your situation- but just in case- that my WH barel wanted tonhave sex- huge red flag- for us.
Also- IMHO - and maybe TMI-our mc thinks (and I agree) the wayward spouse should only have sexual acts only with us (faithful spouse) i.e.meaning no masterbating. Affair means problem with intimacy-. A forty something healthy male (and females too) need a sexual release. That needs to be with you.
Hope that makes sense- its late- im tired and my children have long held my ability to think hostage.
What Im trying to say- no sex probably not a big deal. But it could be so just keep that in mind if it continues.


Brevity, typos & misspellings provided by my ipad and fatigue.
It's been 4 years, SA husband sober. We're doing okay. Today.

fWH had ONS with High School Principal he met on Ashley.com. 08/25/2009


Posts: 696 | Registered: Sep 2009
Mazola
♀ New Member
Member # 38471
Default  Posted: 2:04 AM, June 11th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We are only just over 4 months since D day. Sex pretty much stopped right away. He was disgusted by me. I didn't want him (still in thoughts of AP).
Baby steps we finally french kissed. Our dog was run over by a car 1 1/2 months after D-day. We did console each other and had sex that weekend and the next. I wasn't comfortable after the second time (AP in my head) It's like I have read here, I can't be in R if the there is still contact in my thoughts. I have worked thru a lot in IC and a talk with my sister finally got thru to me. I spent time thinking of AP, wrote out the pros and cons of actualy being with him and realized the only pros were the fantasy ones, the sex, the sweet talk, the emotional connection. It was an addiction, an escape, even in my thoughts. Remembering him is painful becuz I miss him and I remember the wonderful feelings with him. But that was not real.
I realize that my BH has the qualities I want in his Pros section. We may have differences, but for what really matters most, He and I are on the same page.
Sex has happened once more recently, thats the 3rd time since d-day. We are taking it slowly. But I do hear of others having HB, (lots of sex??) but that has NOT happened with us.
Now that my thoughts are focused on myself, my BH and my kids, things are getting better I think. Baby steps.
Reading books has helped also. I hope he has been to IC.

FWH says he just doesn't feel as 'sexual' as he did. REALLY? My physical needs were neglected because of his A for over a year-we rarely had sex during the A. Prior to the A, our sex life was pretty damn good.

I think I almost feel the same as your BH. I don't know why. our sex life was amazing years ago. It went south before any EA's started. But we still had sex at least every saturday night. Notvery spontanious.
I need to work thru these feelings in my IC.

I am sorry for your situation and hope it improves.

I agree with Sadallthetime, you should tell him what you need from him. My BH hasnt done this but we are both taking our time.He is not pushing me.


FWW 47
BH 49
2 kids
EA D day 8-2011 (wasn't truthful- EA was actually PA also)
PA D-day 1-29-2013
some TT after
working on R - taking it slowly to try to get it right :-)



Posts: 23 | Registered: Feb 2013
Topic Posts: 5

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