I agree with the advice to gather your proof, and tell her.
So sorry you find yourself here.
Yes, find a way to tell his wife. Or text her pictures of you two so she gets an idea of what the relationship was really like.
Wouldn't YOU want to know? I wish someone would have told me, I had to play detective because I was too busy having his babies, working full, commuting 3 hours a day to support us all, and breastfeeding to notice.
It's not your fault or anything you did. He took advantage of you just like my H did in the past.
So sorry you are here.
Good luck, sweetie!
Please do not warn her husband you are going to tell her. He will make up lies about you. Those lies will hurt her further as she learns the truth over time. The sooner she knows the whole truth the better.
The integrity you have shown here bodes well for your future happiness in relationships and in general. You deserve better than what this man has put you through and by removing him from your life, you will be able to find it.
[This message edited by Ladyogilvy at 9:47 AM, June 11th (Tuesday)]
In my opinion, a 3rd party talking to her with a timeline from you and your cell phone bills should be enough at first. If she wants more, she will ask or find a way to get it without you.
And I agree - you are probably not his first or his last. This is not your fault. I'm sure you are hurting over the loss of your boyfriend. I praise you for thinking about his wife right now, especially since he obviously doesn't.
I wish even one of my H's OWs had thought about me/kids before deciding to fuck my husband. All 4 knew about me - and just didn't care.
There's a huge difference in your case, you did not know the OM was married. I'd begin the letter with that fact along with a promise that you have established no contact with OM upon finding out that he is married. Tell her you will speak with her if she has any questions.
Enclose a timeline, she can choose to read it or not, with copies of correspondence, receipts, etc. to verify your account.
Are you worried about how the OM may react to you contacting his BS? Remember, your love life with him was a lie and he cannot be trusted. I would enlist a trusted friend, someone who is not emotionally wrapped up in this drama, to help and guide you through this situation.
I believe the sooner the better so those lingering "weak thoughts" don't creep in and change your mind. Never tell OM what you intend to do or threaten him in any way. Your mission is to eliminate this liar and con man from your life and to give the BW the truth about her cheating H.
Scary? Yes, it is the right path to take in order to regain your life and move forward. I appreciate your concern for his BW.
I received an emailed photo of a card my EX sent to his bf. It was the proof I needed to see...his handwriting.
I then responded to the email to get more information. I feel like that email saved my life. That man gave me everything I needed, FB chats, copies of emails, copies of plane tickets, everything.
BTW, my ex was telling guys (gay affairs) he was divorced. When one of the guys found out he was still married (by Googling me....), he immediately contacted me. He did it to hurt my ex, not because he cared about me and the kids, but the result is the same.
Find her, send her something that proves the affair. For me, it was simply confirming what I suspected.
"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings
I think a lot of BW's could sympathize with you quite a bit, and I think the BW in this case might do so - provided she believes that you didn't know. And she will have every reason to believe you if you give her the truth, your assurance that you will never be in contact with her WH again, and the opportunity to follow up with questions later on.
I want to say that you hold the power to simplify things enormously for the BW. In my case, both OW knew my WH was married. My rage at them was indescribable and long lasting, but ultimately pointless. I think if I'd been able to hold the OW blameless, as I would in your case, the emotional picture would have been less complicated for me, and I believe my healing would have progressed more quickly. All my focus would have been on my WH and my marriage, which is right where it should have been all along.
So don't sell yourself short. You're not at fault, and you have the ability to help the BW quite a bit. Keep posting and reading here. I think you'll find it a valuable resource.
You didn't know. He LIED to you. And when you found out, you did the right thing.
You did nothing wrong here. Be a different story if you continued on with him, but you didn't. You can hold your head up high.
I have no advice on how to tell the BW in your case but I would suggest that you listen to the advice you've received so far. Unfortunately (or fortunately) the people here are in a position to know.
Please do not blame yourself for getting into this situation. He lied to you as much as he lied to his BW.
As for your "weak thoughts", a trick that has worked for a number of WSs here is make yourself too busy to think about him. If thoughts start to creep in, find something else that completely engages your attention, picture a flaming STOP sign or DANGER! sign. After a while those thoughts will stop coming.
Best of luck to you. You're doing the right thing, dropping this "man" like a bad habit.
All affairs are variations on a theme. No one has 'Beethoven's 5th' to everyone else's 'Chopsticks'.
When I was 7 months pregnant with our 3rd child, I got a call from an OW who did not know he was married, but she started to get suspicious. I can't say she called to "inform" me; she called to find out for herself if he was married because apparently some things were not adding up.
When I told her that we were very married and I was 7 months pregnant, she got to hear me burst into tears, etc. She hung up on me, but called right back and said she was sorry and never would have gotten involved had she known.
I believed her. Unfortunately she still chose to cheat with him again after knowing all that. Don't be like her.
Have lots of evidence, give her a way to contact you later, and make sure it is her you contact. He will try to intercept or deflect. When you finally tell her, just give the basic facts and be prepared for her to be in shock...especially if this is her first time finding out. Chances are it's not, or at the very least she suspects something is 'off'. Then tell her you know this is hard and a lot to take in but when she's ready you'll answer any other questions and provide evidence if she wants it too.
Good luck. It's the right thing to do. And it's not your fault.
But here's the thing. She knew he was married. She knew about me and my daughter, although WH had told her we were "not getting along". Ahem. She told me in order to hurt him, and then acted all victimized to try to slink her way out of any culpability.
The very important difference here is that you had no idea about his family. From your post, I'm inferring that he would have not enjoyed a relationship with you at all had you known. That is key.
Go ahead and tell her - she needs to know. Tell her what you told us - you had no idea, you are shamed and shocked, and that you no longer will communicate with him. Don't compare your pain/betrayal to hers - please.
And forget about him. You are innocent thus far for the pain his family will feel - don't trade that for being a willing party in this mess. Your weak thoughts will fade.
Married over 9 years, together for 18.
DD#1: 12/12/10 - LTA of 3 years, 2 mos.
DD#2: 02/02/11 - 2 EA/PA with coworkers, a month after the LTA was ended (by OW).
I found out that STBX of 20 years was cheating and it was OW who gleefully announced this to me, via texting and ruined my holidays and my life.
If there is any way on this green earth that he would tell his wife, FWIW, it is something that remains in my thoughts, all this time later.
One of the most difficult things for me to put to rest is the knowledge that almost everyone I know, knew about the A and about OW, but only two people had the guts to tell me-and it was not him.
One was a fellow BS and as I said, the other was OW.
FWIW, also, it makes my heart a little warmer to read your dismay, Nova. OW that Perv chose, as I said, is gleeful and stole my life and treats all of it as a contest.
I worked 20 years, my whole adulthood, to "earn" this place and she's known him brokenly for one year and is his "future".
I don't want to get long-winded or all about me, sorry, I wrote it so as not to generalize.
Then, I had a BF from teenage years contact me and give me the song and dance about "My awful wife", so I wrote him a tell-off letter. I notice that after he learned from a shared friend that I'm pregnant, I don't hear from him anymore. Phew.
A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess
Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.
You need to tell the BS, but prepare yourself. Some of them just are not able to process this well, especially in the moment they find out, and yes, they may "blame the messenger."
I agree, she may not receive it well if told.
But the BS should realize that she was an unknowing OW.
If a man came to me and told me he IS having sex with my wife, I'd want to punch his lights out.
If he came to me and said he didn't know she was married and ended it as soon as he found out, I would not be mad at him. Not his fault.
I would recommend that you tell her also and like other people have already said, be prepared for her to lash out at you. This news is going to be extremely painful for her and you are the "safest" target for her. Try to not take what ever she says personally. Just remember that he lied to you too! Let her know that you have evidence if she needs it and that you are sorry that it happened. I think the sorry is really important even though it wasn't intentional. Because you really are sorry from what I gather from your posts. Assure her that you will not communicate with him ever again and be done with it. If she spews any venom at you, delete it. It isn't you really, it's the fact that she feels humiliated and stupid. It's mourning for the relationship and life she thought she had with him.
Hold your head up high and know that you didn't cause this. He did.
My advice to you is that when you are collecting the evidence for his BW, don't hold back anything that you think is going to hurt her. She needs the evidence to use against him. When I first confronted WH with the IMs, he denied anything physical happened--it was all fantasies. I demanded the pw to his "other" email, but there was nothing incriminating there. I was about to close the email account when I saw that he had emailed something to himself at yet another email. He still denied anything physical despite references to "seeing you again," "the last time we met," etc. It wasn't until I found photos in the 2d email account--including one with his face between yet another woman's legs--that he finally admitted to infidelity (ya think?). So altho you will be tempted to spare her feelings, she really does need all the "evidence" that you have.
He told her he was D, with 2 kids. She usually met him out for their dates as she did not believe in having her kids exposed to someone unless it was a serious relationship.
The very day she decided she didn't have an interest in him and dumped him, she got a call from a friend of the wife letting her know the guy was married and had 5 kids.
My friend, who was unknowingly an OW, ended up speaking with the BW for hours. Gave her the entire timeline, etc.
The BW was quite grateful as she had suspected the WH was cheating. She found my friends phone number on the phone bill.
I think it is quite possible the BW in your circumstance could suspect something. It could also be he has been quite mean to her in order to justify in his mind the A.
I would tell her. You should have a brief timeline and "evidence" ready to email her should she ask for it.
Also, I do think there is a point where you have every right to say "I don't want to answer that question" or "I have answered all the questions I am going to answer. I wish you only the best in life. Good bye"
Think about what your boundaries are. You don't need to spill all your personal sex history.
But do tell her that the her husband is a cheat. YOU have not harmed her family. The WH has.