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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: I'm the OW???!!!???
novahurts
♀ New Member
Member # 39499
Default  Posted: 10:30 PM, June 13th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First of all THANKS to EVERYONE and their GREAT advise and encouraging words. It took me a little while to figure where the wife and children live (as POS has an apartment). I gathered every picture, letter, card, gift and put them in a box with the address to apartment and had my brother deliver them to her. He left his # so if she wants to contact she can. My brother wanted to kick POS ass, but I convinced him this would be better. He delivered the box yesterday (making sure POS car wasn't there and asking her name when she opened the door to be sure POS didn't intercept) and I have not heard from POS since! I am working on my mental rage and hurt with the help of my brother and sister in law. I hope the BW doesn't contact me but if she does I am ready to give the ugly truth, all of it. Thanks again for the great advise.

Posts: 7 | Registered: Jun 2013
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 3:07 AM, June 14th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well done honey.

One day you will look back on this and realise you acted with dignity and integrity. You will be able to proudly say to yourself "I did what was right".

I wish you luck finding a good man. You and he deserve each other.

HUGS

Laura


Married 32yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 60yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA 16+ years).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2754 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
itainteasy
♀ Member
Member # 31094
Default  Posted: 7:23 AM, June 14th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good for you nova.

I'm so sorry this happened to you.


Posts: 3419 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: NWPA
KeepCalm_CarryOn
♀ Member
Member # 33374
Default  Posted: 8:18 AM, June 14th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good job Nova!! If the BW calls, just give her facts, only what she asks. You did great!


You are not dealing with rational people or situations. Normal thought processes won't work...story of my life.

Me- BW, 28
Him- fWh, 34
Mostly R'd, minus a few scars...bought a house and got a puppy...And baby makes 3! She arrived August


Posts: 2030 | Registered: Sep 2011
newnormal
♀ Member
Member # 21925
Default  Posted: 8:18 AM, June 14th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Great job! I wish my ow was as honest as you have been.


BS 43 (me)
FWH 48
D-day 9/07

Dont retreat, reload.
"Pull that knife out of your back - and sever the fuel line to that bus you got thrown under" Bufffalo


Posts: 1033 | Registered: Dec 2008
wildbananas
♀ Member
Member # 10552
Default  Posted: 9:19 AM, June 14th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good job, nova! You did the right thing.


Travel light, live light, spread the light, be the light. ~ Yogi Bhajan

Posts: 15413 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Now an AZ girl
Skan
♀ Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 5:12 PM, June 14th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That was very well done indeed. (((hugs)))


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4926 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
TrustGone
♀ Member
Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 2:45 AM, June 15th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just wanted to say "Thank YOU" for telling his BW and breaking it off with him after you found out. I know that was hard to do. OW told me about their LTA not to help me, but to hurt me, and tried her best to destroy my marriage. She knew he was married to me, even though I didn't know she existed until she called me. Had she not known I would have considered her a victim as much as I was. I still even pity her a little because he also lied to her over and over again, but she knew what he was when she got involved with him. This post made me realize there are good people in this world that do care about others. I am so sorry he put you in this position to begin with and played with your huge heart. I wish nothing but happiness for you in the future. God Bless You!!!


BW-50
WH#2-51
M-9 yrs T-11 yrs
4 children-none together
DD#1-9/5/11 LTA 2yrs
DD#2-7/3/12 False R
DD#3-4/29/13 (OW broke NC)
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 2420 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
DevastatedTwice
♀ Member
Member # 29061
Default  Posted: 5:53 PM, June 16th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Nova. You did the right thing. I'm a BS and I have one word of advice. Because you were intimate and very emotional with this man and you are in your own state of trauma right now, you could be vulnerable to his schemes. DO NOT LET HIM CONVINCE YOU THAT HE REALLY WANTED YOU.

My username is no longer accurate. I have been devastated three times. The third time I found out about WS and his affair, the OW had no idea he was with me. For the entire year they were together, both of us had suspicions but could never prove anything. When I finally found the proof I needed, I called her. She was mortified. She told him he was a POS and that she never wanted to see him again. We exchanged stories. We both felt bad for each other. But I would hear words such as what you said you've thought.......that she would think that maybe she could make it work with him if we were divorced. Then she would say how awful and crazy that was and how she couldn't believe she would even consider that.

Not long later, when I kicked him out, he went to "apologize" to her and he wooed her with his ways. For the next 6 months (I don't know the exact timeline....we are divorced now) they were boyfriend and girlfriend again. He convinced her that the only reason he had still been with me was because he felt guilty leaving me but that he really didn't want to be married to me and wanted her. She fell for it.

He would've said anything......to either of us.....so that he wouldn't lose one of us. He knew I would never take him back after 3 affairs. But she was an easier target. It was only his first time cheating on her. So even though I really felt for her when we both found out, she eventually became the evil other woman in my eyes. Even though I chose to divorce a three time cheater, I still felt like she was stabbing me in the back......continuing a life with my husband while my kids and I wrestled with the whole thing.

Don't be like her. You are better than that. I warned her. I told her he'd just cheat on her. He continued lying to everyone for the sake of his own reputation. He didn't want what was best for either of us. He wanted to use whoever he could so that he wouldn't have to suffer or feel pain.

To this day, he still tells me how wrong the whole thing was and what huge life mistakes he made. He tells me how delusional he was during that time......trying desperately to live in a state of denial so he wouldn't have to face the weight of what he had done to his family. And that poor girl......she was willing to take a three time cheater who had lied to her for over a year.......cheated on both of us with a third girl while we were still living a lie.....she was ok with all of that. She let him convince her that they could make it work. How sad. How sick.

You've done all the right things so far. I just wanted to warn you that he could come groveling and try to lie to you so that he still has someone in his life......if his wife chooses to leave.


Me - BS - 39
Him - WH, SA - 39
Married 17 yrs.
3 kids- 16, 13, 8
Dday#1 - 3/16/07 PA
D-day#2- 9/21/09 PA, began recovery 6/8/10
D-day#3- 11-8-10 False recovery.
D-Day#4- 12/27/11 Third PA, divorcing
Divorced- 6/6/12

Posts: 405 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: California
BeautifulEmpty
♀ Member
Member # 38763
Default  Posted: 9:13 PM, June 16th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm a BS and I'll add my two cents...let her know.
I'll also say thank you for being ashamed but don't spend too much time beating yourself up over something you literally couldn't help.
Approach her very gently, explain and tell her how sorry you are and you would have never looked at him if you'd known. It's good to have solid proof to show her too.
It's a small comfort to her but its better than dealing with the unremorseful , hating OW. She might rail at you but truthfully, your hands are clean. It's a lesson learned and that's the only way you can look at it.
I'm so sorry you find yourself here. I haven't yet read all the comments but I'm guessing any number of BS' are saying the same thing.
(((Hugs)))


Me: 42 BS
Him: 38 ws
Ow: 44 head case, no obs
5 DD's: 21, 18, 17, 15, 10
Last D-day: August 2012 with lots of very blurry lines.

Posts: 264 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Washington State
sickofthelies
♀ Member
Member # 28566
Default  Posted: 6:10 PM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As a bs I would like to say thank you.You have done the right thing.


BS-43(me)
WS-44
Three amazing kids 20, 18 & 15.
D-day #1- EA with Bi-polar Ow Jan. 2010
D-day #2-EA with very unattractive co-worker
Sept. 18th 2014
I'm married to a narcissistic, compartmentalizing asshat!!!!!

Posts: 263 | Registered: May 2010 | From: ohio
Lucky
♀ Member
Member # 6864
Default  Posted: 12:31 PM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sure it was hard to do but it was the right thing to do. Thank you.


♥ WINE - the other fruit juice! ♥


Posts: 36162 | Registered: Apr 2005
MediumRare
♂ Member
Member # 35128
Default  Posted: 1:52 PM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi novahurts,
You did a great thing and kudos to you!

With so much focus on the POS and notifying his betrayed spouse, there hasn't been much discussion about YOU and how YOU are doing?

You're just as betrayed as his BS in this scenario. This POS liar/cheater also pulled on over on you and I'm sure that must hurt. What are YOU doing to heal from this? Are you getting good sleep, drinking lots of water and spending some time self-soothing or have good support structure (i.e. friends/family) you can turn to in order to heal from this POS?

I hope you are doing well, novahurts!


BS (ME): 44
WS(HER): 42
9 years
OM#1- 20-something loser, stole bunch of my things after she had sex with him in our bed (no condoms, STDs)
OM#2- 24 year old, unemployed loser, lives with mom & dad
DDay 1/2012
NC 3/20/2012
SGASDay 4/1/2012

Posts: 721 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: California
Jennifer99
♀ Member
Member # 39551
Default  Posted: 3:08 PM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm fresh from being betrayed and I'm happy to see that there are truly OW who do NOT want to be that.

I would NOT be weak. I'm telling you, you deserve better and should look for it while you can. If I didn't have a son I wouldn't even be thinking twice.

I would have welcomed my OW (is that a term? she's "his" OW I guess but the OW in my case) letting me know when it first started instead of her letting it go "unaddressed" (as he is claiming) to the point he was bonkers and got fired.


Posts: 556 | Registered: Jun 2013
Jennifer99
♀ Member
Member # 39551
Default  Posted: 3:09 PM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh and you were betrayed. You were lied to. Hugs to you.

Posts: 556 | Registered: Jun 2013
lilflower1000
♀ Member
Member # 36634
Default  Posted: 5:30 PM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you on behalf of the bs she can now make informed decisions about her life and the life of her children.
Yes you need to take care of yourself. You have been betrayed, but remember she is stuck w/ him for the rest of her life whether she stays or goes since they have kids. At least you can move on and never see him again.
(( hugs)) to you. You are a amazing woman. Through the hundreds of posts I have read on SI, I have never heard of an ow who behaved w/ such dignity. I hope you find a wonderful man who treats you w/ respect and dignity.


lilflower1000
Me: 44 BS
Married 12 yrs
Dday:8/1/2012
True R: 12/2012
4kids(11, 8, 5, 4mos)+ 2 Step kids I love like my own

Posts: 313 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Georgia
joeboo
♂ Member
Member # 31089
Default  Posted: 9:46 PM, June 21st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi novahurts,
You did a great thing and kudos to you!

With so much focus on the POS and notifying his betrayed spouse, there hasn't been much discussion about YOU and how YOU are doing?

You're just as betrayed as his BS in this scenario. This POS liar/cheater also pulled on over on you and I'm sure that must hurt. What are YOU doing to heal from this? Are you getting good sleep, drinking lots of water and spending some time self-soothing or have good support structure (i.e. friends/family) you can turn to in order to heal from this POS?

I hope you are doing well, novahurts!

Very well said.

Hats off from another BS.


Posts: 1211 | Registered: Feb 2011
Shattered-Heart
♀ Member
Member # 32165
Default  Posted: 5:38 PM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nova, I just want to say I'm so proud of you. Through your own anguish you made sure this woman who was/is as betrayed as you can have the information she needs to make decisions for herself and her children about this man's 'behavior' - to put it politely. That is not easy to do, but as a BS a few times over I can say I could only wish for a person to extend such care to a fellow human being. Mine just came into the picture to destroy the marriage, she knew full well but maybe believed his 'I love yous' and the rewrite of our history (he totally demonized me). There's no way to lie and gaslight with proof like that. I love that your brother is on board with you and wants to kick his ass even if he doesn't. You're a good person, and I'm glad you've got support. I wish you healing and ultimately happiness with a man who is worthy for you. Don't forget to take care of yourself, as you're just as shell shocked as she is no doubt.
(((nova))))


Me BW
Him WH
"The trick is to keep breathing." - Garbage

Posts: 180 | Registered: May 2011
solus sto
♀ Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 5:51 PM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Are you doing okay, Nova? Sometimes the right thing hurts...and I'm thinking of you.

Thanks.


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 53, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8841 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
Topic Posts: 59
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