I still can't make sense of it. There are a lot of cheaters who don't drink and a lot of drinkers who don't cheat.
His PA's are from his brain disease of addiction, they say.
Why am I not buying into their theory?? Would you?
Someone told me to educate myself on addiction, and I'm going to. I just want some personal experiences and knowledge from you all. Yes, I've been to AA and Al-anon.
[This message edited by libertyrocks at 12:11 PM, June 11th (Tuesday)]
He did it because of the disease of addiction--- yea probably
There is a huge difference. I wrote this in R'ing w/ an addict in ICR
I am an addict. I have been clean for 9 years. By clean I mean: NO DRUGS, NO ALCOHOL, NO SEX outside my Relationship.
Addiction is a disease that you can never fully understand unless you have it. Even therapists and councilors don't really get it.
Addiction is an obsessive/compulsive disorder, where the tick is self. Addicts cant think of anything, say anything, or do anything that doesn't revolve around themselves. They have a hole in there gut, or a sense of dis-ease, that there is something incomplete with them inside. They obsessively search for something that will fill that hole and make them complete: drugs, alcohol, sex, gambling, shopping, food, sports, work, money, you name it. These things work for a short period of time, then the guilt sets in and the hole grows. This is where the cycle of compulsion starts. "Whats next? I need more!!!"
Most addicts I know are sensitive, loving, caring people. They dont want to hurt anyone but that need to fill themselves and the guilt from doing it is so overpowering that they cant stop.
I have found freedom from this vicious cycle ONLY through vigilant 12 step work in a 12 step fellowship. My priorities in order are:
1. 12 Step Fellowship
In any other order I will eventually destroy everything around me.
I am also in a relationship with an addict. The last six years have been a cycle of relapses and A. For her the addiction was the reason (not excuse) for everything. That is her story and I will let her tell it. DDAY was Black Friday 2011 and TT until 9/11/12, when the whole truth came out.
We are in R. We are working vigilantly on R from many different angles. "THE DEAL BREAKER" for me would be lack of 12 step work on her part. If that stops so does the R. I know from my experience and the experience of many others, that It Works...
"Knowing is half the battle"
Expecting progress not perfection
Alcohol did not make him cheat. Never. His addition had something to do with it to a degree, but that does not excuse his behavior either. His poor coping skills and need for outside validation also play into it.
My husband is a diagnosed SA. He's also diagnosed with npd and ocd. It all plays into it. But none of it excuses his *choice* to cheat multiple times.
You both need a 12 step program.
Former 80s Icon wishful thinking
It is interesting that it seems like the same, if not similar, dis-ease and brain machinations that go into addiction/alcoholism also go into infidelity.
Quitting, on its own is not the cure. In fact, there is no cure, but there is recovery. The addict/alcoholic has to really revolutionize their thinking, feelings and actions, work best done through a 12-step program, where they will learn, quite literally "how to live".
We are in R.
Chico, you're awesome and thanks for sharing your insightful perspective. I always find something helpful in all your posts and replies.
Samantha, dear Ms. Baker, your are an amazing woman with so much knowledge, it's unbelievable how you have really broken down your man. Thanks for the hug, shake, and hug! :) I seriously need it.
Knowing, this addiction thing is bigger than I imagined. I just thought, if he quit drinking, he would stop cheating...Guess that's not the solution.
My conditions on letting him stay with the kids and I were, NC w/OW, MC/IC, and AA/12 step. Well, he's done all except AA/12step. Looks like that's the most important one!
I'm really not sure if I want this M with an addict/alcoholic after all. It may too much work than I can handle. I'm a career woman and great mother. If I'm not at work, on the freeway, I"m with my kids. H seems more like a chore. And, I really don't need him. Financially, physically, emotionally, I've been alone for 3 years, see my tag lines...
FUCK! I knew it. I knew it wasn't the booze. He's addicted to his ego being stroked and a variety of college chicks to bang. It was just a matter of time before the real him came out.
Thank you, thank you, thank you, everyone. You really have eye opening things to relay.
XOXO to all of you for trying to help me see what's really going on.
[This message edited by libertyrocks at 4:29 PM, June 11th (Tuesday)]