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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: what does "communicate about the kids" mean?
nutmegkitty
♀ Member
Member # 33882
Default  Posted: 1:35 PM, June 11th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In my SA, the ex adn I are supposed to communicate "all of the relevent details" about the kids. I'm confused as to what that means. Am I supposed to write an email every day/week saying "DD had a good week, got 100% on spelling, and skinned her knee on Tuesday?" Am I supposed to tell him "they have a pediatrician appt on August 26?"

His opinion is probably that I should be calling him daily with updates and daily summaries of their activities. Um, no. I can't do that.

I do send him copies of every school notice, either via email of a pdf file or a hard copy. He can read those and choose to act or not. That's not my job right? (right).

I just don't know where the line is here, what I'm obligated to communicate to him and what isn't. Help!


me (BS)
him (NPD Ex)
2 dds
DDay 10/7/11
OW
OC

Divorced 1/17/2013

"Diamonds aren't a girl's best friend, freedom is."


Posts: 2591 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: MA
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 1:40 PM, June 11th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If it's something about school that either the kids can tell him or he can find out his own damn self via the school website or email list, I don't share.

If the kids have a simple cold & scraped knee, I don't share.

If they have some illness beyond a generic cold, like if they have to go to the doctor, I tell him. Especially since I'll need to follow up with a request for his share of the medical bill.

He talks to the kids every friggin' night. He grills them for the smallest details of their day (and mine). There's really nothing for me to tell that the kids don't blab.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9707 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Helen of Troy
♀ Member
Member # 26419
Default  Posted: 2:42 PM, June 11th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1. Kids will report everything.
Example: mine report I took band-aids from the doctors office exam room. Now I am a dirty thief and immoral person according to him. It's just more ammo in his war against me.

2. Only serious illness, emergency gets reported by me to him. Anything school related, he can and is legally supposed to check the school calendar himself online like a big boy.

3. If he asks a question about the kids, I will answer. (email only) He rarely ever asks so I don't volunteer any. Did that in the beginning and it only serves purpose listed in 1. :ammunition to be misinterpreted and used against me. He does not investigate facts, only hurls accusations at me by email. I have to defend or it goes on record, even if it is pointing out the obvious and pointing him to where my story can be verified by documentation and actual facts.

I don't give a flip if he hates me but for crissakes this is a nightmare on the kids' well being.


Posts: 4703 | Registered: Dec 2009
million pieces
♀ Member
Member # 27539
Default  Posted: 2:48 PM, June 11th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We share an online calendar. I put all the stuff that comes home school/sport related on it. I link the *very* important stuff that are on his time by a invitation/email. Party invites on his time are scanned and emailed. Sicknesses are only passed on via email if they are going to his house sick or need meds. Yearly DR visits are summarized and emailed.

Note, I only rarely get confirmation that he gets any of my emails.

Also, he has put maybe 3 things on the calendar in the past 3 years. And he has them 40% of the time, so are you really telling me he doesn't get any of the school notices?!?!!


Me - 42
2 kids, 9 and 11
D-Day 2/5/10, separated 3 wks later
Divorced 11/15/11!!!!

Posts: 1251 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: MD
nutmegkitty
♀ Member
Member # 33882
Default  Posted: 3:04 PM, June 11th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ok, I feel better now. I do put everything in the online calendar. I do communicate if we have to go to the doc unexpectedly.

He's such an NPD that I really hate to communicate *anything* with him because I just don't knwo how he will react.


me (BS)
him (NPD Ex)
2 dds
DDay 10/7/11
OW
OC

Divorced 1/17/2013

"Diamonds aren't a girl's best friend, freedom is."


Posts: 2591 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: MA
TXBW68
♀ Member
Member # 36456
Default  Posted: 4:00 PM, June 11th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I used an online calendar for their games or concerts. Color-coded by kid and activity. He would still forget or show up half-way through a game.

I only told him when they were sick if it affected his time or if they went to the doctor - so he could pay his half.

I did not bother with detentions after school, sports practices, scheduling of doctor's appts, picking up meds for oldest each month (ADHD kiddo), etc. He wasn't going to help me anyway so I stopped wasting my time putting those things on the calendar.

After about 6 months of separation, he finally asked about their grades. (I had been trying to tell him that they were both struggling with the separation and it was affecting their grades. He didn't care.)I gave him the password - same for the last 8 years - and told him he was free to check online anytime. Even then, he still never helped with homework on his days. I had to make sure it was done prior or after his 3hr weeknight visit.

I think you are supposed to talk to him about setting up new activities. Suppose soccer kid now wants to try baseball. You're suppose to discuss the scheduling and financial impact and decide together. If yours is like mine was, he won't care or have constructive input anyway.

You're not his secretary anymore.

[This message edited by TXBW68 at 4:01 PM, June 11th (Tuesday)]


Me (45) WH (42),2 boys 14 & 11
M 18yrs T 22yrs
Separated 10 months (4/12 to 2/13)
Final Total - #1/#2 ONS and #3/#4 EA/PA - left me for #4, didn't know about #2 and 3 until he moved back home
We are solidly in R now

Posts: 788 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Dallas, TX
SBB
♀ Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 6:01 PM, June 11th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I only share information that only I receive - I do this via email. Hell.No. am I discussing this with him.

Everything/anything else he can work out on his own.

So far he has only reciprocated a few times. I won't stop doing it because it is what is best for my girls.


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5576 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
cmego
♀ Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 9:08 PM, June 11th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I throw all school work that comes home in a bin and give it to him at pick up (e/o week). I don't inform him of any routine dr appointments, only if it is something like a specialist. Only if the kid is really sick/hurt will I tell him.

He talks to the kids for 5 min once a day...it is enough for him. In the beginning, he wanted to skype everyday, but that stopped pretty quickly.

I forward him the soccer schedule, if he shows...it is his responsibility. The school has our email addresses, he gets the same I do. If he shows up to something (which is rare....) it is all on him.

99% of communication is via text and it is matter-of-fact, no emotion.

"dd is running a fever, no school today, made a doc appt."

"changed medication to XXX"

"ds needs new tennis shoes and a haircut".

You get used to it. Now it is second nature to me.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4153 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
tesla
♀ Member
Member # 34697
Default  Posted: 10:14 PM, June 11th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just fill in major events and location on an on-line calendar. I will make sure to send the idiot a school calendar and whatever else the send home at the beginning of the year...but after that...he can go to their website, request to be on the email list, talk to the teacher himself. It's not fucking rocket science.


"Thou art the son and heir of a mongrel bitch." --King Lear

Posts: 4655 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Indiana
Bluebird26
♀ Member
Member # 36445
Default  Posted: 7:25 AM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I email all appointments.

I email anything significant, like an upcoming school trips, photo days etc.

I email and advise if the kids want to do an activity that involves money and tell him he has x amount of time to respond. If he doesn't respond I take this as accepting it.

I scan a copy of the kids report cards or school trips where he is required to pay 1/2.

I email if the kids are sick and require medication.

He has never turned up to an appointment/school event/parent teacher night/sport or anything else.

He can access the school websites, newsletters, he can phone the school/teachers for an update. He can contact all medical/specialists etc for an update if he requires one.

He rarely ever replies to any email but I have done my part as per our court orders.

Edited to add. Our children are old enough to discuss anything else with him. They have 9 minutes worth of phone conversations a week, that's all he can fit in, in his busy schedule.

[This message edited by Bluebird26 at 7:27 AM, June 12th (Wednesday)]


"Loving someone should not mean losing you. Love empowers you. It shouldn't erase you. - Thelma Davis.

Posts: 1347 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Australia
Heartless Bytchh
♀ Member
Member # 12347
Suspicious  Posted: 11:13 AM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

From my experience it translates into "I'm gonna use it to use the kids to manipulate you so I can get my way and force you to do what I want".

This from the dad that could never seem to be home for anything important in a kids life like birthdays, xmas, dr appts, school functions, wtf ever.


Woodchipper pretty much trumps everything.-Rufus Turner
Sometimes I feel like SI is that person who says... "if you can't say anything nice... come sit by me!"-rumorhasit

Posts: 6063 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Another day in Paradise
Topic Posts: 11

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