As my WH and I talk and talk about what has occurred, he has expressed that he is happy this happened so soon after we got married because it means once we sort through everything, we still have our whole lives ahead of us, and we'll be a better and stronger couple because of it.
For me, I think it's a bad sign. The first year of the marriage is supposed to be a honeymoon- yet he was able to begin an A 2 months into it. To me it worries me that, if he wasn't enough into me that early in the marriage, what will happen as I get older? How can we have a strong marriage without any honeymoon phase as a foundation (granted we had many happy years as a couple before getting married)?
What are your thoughts? Does it matter at what point in the marriage the affair happened? Are his points valid? Are mine?
So yes it's a bad sign that the black hole in your WS opened up so soon after you got married. But IMO, the biggest factor is what is a WS willing to do to address the issues that caused them to have the A in the first place. In my case my STBX rugswept and just tried to will herself into not cheating and we know how that works or more accurately doesn't work. The underlying issues are still there and never get resolved. So it's not so much when they cheat but what they do after the A that gives you a glimpse into what your future may possibly be like.
Took me awhile to wake up but once I realized that my STBX could not address her own issues I refused to wait around for DDAy#3 to be dropped on me.
What is your husband doing to actually "sort" through everything that he has done and why he did it? That is the important questions that HE needs to address. I hope he is in counseling because the A nor the timing of the A is nothing to be happy about.
To get him to see the absurdity of his statement you can always tell him that you really are glad he had his A early because now you can divorce him and become a better and stronger person by yourself and be better prepared in your next relationship rather then stay with a proven cheater and see his reaction.
I don't feel like we have our whole lives ahead of us, but we already have children. I feel like we royally screwed up our children already and one of them isn't even born yet. and our marriage? ugh
Happened to us at year 2 of M and then again at year 24.
We didn't really deal with it correctly the first time. We were overseas and the MC over there was shit.
[This message edited by MUFan at 2:37 PM, June 11th (Tuesday)]
Me- BW, 28
Him- fWh, 34
Mostly R'd, minus a few scars...bought a house and got a puppy...And baby makes 3! She arrived August
My H's mother had recently passed away, we were really busy with our family, and his business was taking off and very successful.
I was 37 and I say now, that had I found out then, I would have left him but who knows.
Of course that doesn't mean that people don't beat the odds, that's just what this book said.
I sure wish I had known about my fWH's issues way back when, but there's no way to know if he would have been ready to face them at the time.
Best of luck whatever you decide.
There is no "good" time for this to happen. I do think early on that many of us would run, because we wouldn't have the time and entanglements that we would later on.
I think it is a pointless argument, frankly, and detracts from the real issues; he had an affair (still is in it, basically) and what is he going to do about HIMSELF?
I had the same thought.
He doesn't have a leg to stand on, and if he did I would swipe it with a baseball bat.
IMO, your H's points are totally valid for anyone who isn't willing to be monogamous. If monogamy is important to you, however, your next-to-last paragraph hits nails on their heads.
You won't be a stronger couple because of the A. If you do become a stronger couple, it'll be only because of work you both do.
I love him deeply, but I know I don't want to be married to someone who is always needing that next thrill and ego-boosting...
Every one of us has a similar but unique situation. Only you, no book, no friend, SI, can tell you what is right. Take all the info, and make your decision that way.
Always, tell the other BS! Always!
"It's hard to be in love when you can't tell lies"!
Please understand that I'm not advising you to have an affair or keep that card in your back pocket -- but since his attitude is so cavalier, I think he'd benefit from getting to worry about his comeuppance for a few years.
But I'm kind of a dick, so YMMV.