Then Tuesday night. I got a facebook message from some woman I didn't know from the other side of the country. It was extremely cryptic, but obvious in its message, "Better YOU than ME. Good luck with that MAN of yours." I immediately looked at my WH and asked who she was and why I was getting rude messages from her. He denied having any idea why she messaged me, it must be a mistake, she's a welder that is facebook friends with so and so, she friended me, I've never talked to her... And I told him, I'm asking her who she is, and she will tell me. Do you want to confess and tell me or do you want her to. He broke down, told me "it's more of the same."
I blew up. AGAIN! I went through his phone. He deleted all traces. Except his internet browser on his phone. He had been on chat hook up sites again, the "guaranteed to hook up locally" sites.
This time, I decided I was done. We are divorcing. But I've caved again. I don't want to put my kids through another divorce, and as weak as it makes me feel, I love him. I have to be contributing to this somehow, if not just the fact that I've enabled it to keep happening by sweeping everything under the rug and not holding him accountable to his promises.
He says he doesn't know why he's doing it. He says he's happy. We have sex- great sex. Maybe not as often as when we first met, but at least every couple weeks. Why am I not enough?
We're going to a counselor next week. I feel like such a failure. I love him. This has to stop. What am I doing? Am I a complete and hopeless idiot? Help me
I am absolutely certain it has nothing to do with you, how much sex you have, or your connection, this is his issue, his possibly addiction.
I think you have to look at it realistically this is something he's probably going to continue to do, perhaps finding a sex addiction therapist will help him I don't believe he actually has to be having sex to be an addict, it could be the excitement of it he's addicted to.
Knowing that this could be an ongoing issue can help prepare yourself for how to cope. I had thought about this at one point, could I stick it out knowing he was probably lying to me about himself, how would I do that? I had thought about distancing myself emotionally, finding support outside of the marriage with friends and family. I'd need to protect myself from potential std's I had sort of thought of it as living with my best friend as a roomate. I'm not saying this is what has to happen for you but unless something drastically different happens with a new type of therapy, my guess is it will continue. Just the fact that he said "it's more of the same" it sounded so defeated, like he feels out of control, even he doesn't seem to know why he can't stop himself.
But please don't for a second think this is anything you can make him stop doing by doing anything more. This is his issue, he may want to blame you b/c then he doesn't have to do any work to change, he can just sit back and wait until he suddenly doesn't feel the urge, which won't happen if he does nothing.
And it's probably going to be something he has to work on for the rest of his life, like an alcoholic, there is always temptation and he'll need to learn how to cope with life without his fix.
I'm so sorry this is happening to you.
In I Can Relate, there is a thread for Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts. One of the first posts has lots of valuable info in this, including the site where you can find the nearest CSAT (certified sex addiction therapist). I highly recommend he be evaluated by a certified therapist. If they determine he is SA, he'll want to find a 12 step group.
Sex addicts are sick people, not bad people. I know this is so hard, & I'm sorry. You need to be prepared for more. You should also schedule a full panel of std tests, for both of you (his results mailed to you). This is such a traumatic discovery. IC for you would be very helpful. Just be very good to yourself, set your boundaries & be prepared to enforce them. Sending you a hug & a prayer.
Get tested. And do not have sex with him until he has been tested..full panel..and the doctor sends YOU the results of the tests.
Im so sorry. I think you only know the tip of the iceburg.
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.
kids- 9, 7
most recent d-day- 6/4/2013
EA x3 via chat/text/phone, lots of online porn and hook up chat sites in browser
don't want to fail
[This message edited by belle2013 at 8:24 PM, June 12th (Wednesday)]
God, do I really, really need to know more?
A marriage that is only being treated like a marriage by one person is a miserable existence. Your WH needs to be on board and doing his part also.
Always, always, always...trust your gut. Always. If your WH insists that he's told you the truth but you still have niggling doubts, then schedule a polygraph for him to take. And make him take it...even if he dribble-drops some little bits of additional truth here and there.
Belle, you are NOT a failure. Your WH has issues and those issues have nothing to do with you.
In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.
Why am I not enough?
I know you don't believe that, but it's true. Read it again:
His actions and choices have NOTHING to do with you. Nothing. They are 100%, completely and totally on him.
There's not ONE thing you could have done to prevent his actions. Not one! Please don't take on what is his to own.
There's always failure. And there's always disappointment. And there's always loss.
But the secret is learning from the loss, and realizing that none of those holes are vacuums.
- Michael J. Fox