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Newest Member: whathappensnext (45075)

Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Advice needed
Faithful w/Love
♀ Member
Member # 33128
Default  Posted: 7:36 AM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Long story short, we are seperated. Been seperated for 10 months now. We were all ready last month to move me back home and than we had a huge blow out and now we are still doing things together but he doesn't know if it is going to work because he doesn't want the fighting or the stress.

We don't fight like we use to at all when he was in A but there are things that need to be worked out and put on the table so we DON'T keep fighting about the same thing over and over.

He wants me to come home, knows I am a wonderful, loving, beautiful woman who loves him to the ends of the earth, but he doesn't want to fight. I told him that couple do fight and it is the lack of communication and than one of use gets fustrated and it blows up.

I feel like I can not get this through his head.
When we start to get comfortable and getting along we are good, when we start to talk about things he pulls away.

He does say he needs to work on himself but how is working on yourself and still going out with people that I feel will allow him to get himself into trouble or make poor choices working on himself. I know that guys love to go to the bar and watch sports. I don't want to take that away from him. But, it is the company he holds I feel that I have a problem with.

Maybe I am not ready either. I am scared of another A and than having to start all over again and go through this crap.

I think I will just watch and see what happens. I mean I have been out of the house for 10 months now so I don't think that would hurt.

I am rambling so I am sorry. I am just trying to get this all out there instead of texting him how I am feeling. I would rather just vent here and maybe talk later after I can put my words out there correctly.

R not R is so hard.

He does know alot of this is about himself and how he reacts to how I feel.

Why is he so scared to have me come home if he loves me so much. I mean we have been to together for 19 yrs. And it use to be very good for the most part.

Ugghh, this is not easy is it?


BS(ME)40 WH(HIM)38
DD 20 and DS 15
Separated Aug 2012

Moved back home Oct 31 2013
Separated again June 2014. Heading toward divorce.
False R. Still Lying.
Will be divorcing soon!
"You never know how strong you are until being strong


Posts: 2731 | Registered: Aug 2011
LoveActually
♀ Member
Member # 31030
Default  Posted: 11:09 AM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Faithful)))

Marriage is tough with or without the aftermath of an affair to deal with. Your husband is putting unrealistic expectations on you and your marriage to expect there to be no fighting. The healthiest of marriages have conflict! There are healthy ways to fight--it doesn't have to be yelling and screaming and reliving the past every time, but he is living in la la land if he thinks there won't be pain brought up from what he has done. He sounds like he is incredibly selfish and not all in the reconciliation process and how painful and confusing that must be for you.

When we start to get comfortable and getting along we are good, when we start to talk about things he pulls away.

How does he think that the healing can even begin to take place if you can't even talk about what has happened and the damage it has caused?

Why is he so scared to have me come home if he loves me so much.

My guess is he is way too comfortable doing what he wants to do. There is no one to answer to but himself--that gets way too easy.

So sorry for your pain.


BS (Me)
WS (Him)
D-Day 5/29/09
Married 11 yrs, together 16 yrs

Posts: 775 | Registered: Jan 2011
sadtoo
♀ Member
Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 11:15 AM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He does say he needs to work on himself but how is working on yourself and still going out with people that I feel will allow him to get himself into trouble or make poor choices working on himself. I know that guys love to go to the bar and watch sports. I don't want to take that away from him. But, it is the company he holds I feel that I have a problem with.

Why is he insisting on doing things that he knows hurt you or make you feel uncomfortable, scared and insecure?

This doesn't look like true remorse to me.


It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
bum.
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)


Posts: 8027 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
Faithful w/Love
♀ Member
Member # 33128
Default  Posted: 12:51 PM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You guys are right.

I think he feels like I am telling him what to do and who to hangout with. Like a child.

I think everything you both said are right on piont.

I keep telling him marriages are hard but they don't have to be as hard as we make it. To me marriage is about love and respect which goes into good communication, respecting what the other is feeling, putting one another first, showing one another through actions the love and respect. I think of marriage this way.

Marriage is a team, if you get do something to hurt one of the player or are all the way in or being selfish the whole team suffers. To have a good team it is about communication, trust of one another, and leadership for oneself and the rest of the team. It is never selfish. I explained it to him that way when he was saying that to our son about basketball. I think he sorta understood but never applies stuff like that to our marriage.

Oh hell I am just going to watch and see what happens. I am in no rush at all to move home.

You both helped me see it the way I thought.

Thank you. Oh and this R really is hard road but I am willing to take the hard road. Our marriage would not be worth it if it was not worth a the fight. I am a strong cookie.


BS(ME)40 WH(HIM)38
DD 20 and DS 15
Separated Aug 2012

Moved back home Oct 31 2013
Separated again June 2014. Heading toward divorce.
False R. Still Lying.
Will be divorcing soon!
"You never know how strong you are until being strong


Posts: 2731 | Registered: Aug 2011
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 2:11 PM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Some random thoughts for your consideration - it might help to list your requirements for moving back home. If he agrees to meet your requirements, great. If he doesn't, it's his choice. That way he's choosing what he wants to do, not doing what Mom wants because Mom wants it.

The requirements need to be observable. 'Work on yourself' is pretty vague. 'Start IC with the goal of changing yourself into a great partner' can be monitored.

'If you go out for the evening, you will invite me to go with you' is also measurable.

You could also lay down ground rules for resolving disagreements without dissolving into fighting.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10167 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Faithful w/Love
♀ Member
Member # 33128
Default  Posted: 3:27 PM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you Sisoon.

I would have to say that I DO get stuck with words so what you said about not being so vage and actually setting my requirements down line by line would help. That way if he chooses it is to much, he made the choice not me.

I personally don't see what is so hard about this if you love the person because when it comes down to it at the end of our old age is going to be just him and I. Not his friends or family but his wife.


BS(ME)40 WH(HIM)38
DD 20 and DS 15
Separated Aug 2012

Moved back home Oct 31 2013
Separated again June 2014. Heading toward divorce.
False R. Still Lying.
Will be divorcing soon!
"You never know how strong you are until being strong


Posts: 2731 | Registered: Aug 2011
m334455
♀ Member
Member # 26893
Default  Posted: 3:32 PM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Read Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay. One smart thing in there -- if you've already done something major to leave the relationship, it's over. You've been gone 10 months. I would recommend NC over moving back in, particularly as things aren't exactly wine and roses.


BW 38, 5 kids
Dday Dec. 2009

Posts: 4034 | Registered: Dec 2009
Topic Posts: 7

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