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New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Living a Double Life with My Adult Kids
gma56
♀ Member
Member # 19595
Helpless  Posted: 3:01 PM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When everything blew up 5 yrs ago after dday, my DD refused to see or talk to FT. I can understand and we had many conversations about her decision. This also means GS no longer has contact with him.

My DSS was caught in the middle of the whole divorce mess because his Dad put him there. He's been very supportive of me since this mess started. I raised him since he was 3 yrs old and he is now 34.

I hate that I can't have a dinner with both kids and the grandkids. It is my DD decision. DSS was a very difficult kid to raise. Always in trouble at school but extremely smart. DD and him fought and there was always bad feelings with DD about DSS. He is ADHD and wasn't diagnosed until he was 13 yrs old. It was hell much of the time. I won't say she doesn't have good reason never to talk to him. When I exposed FT, it was her out from dealing with DSS too.

I doubt if there will be any reconciliation between them. I just hate not spending time with both of them.
I always feel torn. I don't talk to either of them about the other.
Family forever divided.
DSS has matured and still has his issues but nothing like when he was a kid. DD won't even give him a chance to show her he is sorry for the past and how messed up he was a kid.

I just hate it because I love them both.But as adults, it's their choices.
<sigh>
Gma


BW-Divorced
It's my life now, my choices, my mistakes to make and my victories to celebrate. His choices made me free of liars and betrayers in my life. That is priceless.

Posts: 20370 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Half way to where I want to be.
ajsmom
♀ Member
Member # 17460
Default  Posted: 3:07 PM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ugh.

I feel your pain, gma. I truly do.

Hugs, my friend.

(((((gma)))))

AJ's MOM


Fidelity isn't a feeling...it's a choice.

"Truth has no special time of its own. Its hour is now - always." - Albert Schweitzer
____________________________________________
Me: BW - Him: 200+ # tumor removed 7/09
DS - 31 - Yikes!


Posts: 21048 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: Been Through Hell...On My Way Back
meaniemouse
♀ Member
Member # 10798
Default  Posted: 3:52 PM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's an awful spot to be in when kids of any age don't get along but especially problematic when they're adults. I don't have any advice just empathy and hugs.


Act as if what you do matters. It does. William James

Posts: 2110 | Registered: May 2006 | From: Midwest
Sad in AZ
♀ Member
Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 4:20 PM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have two difficult siblings (and maybe I'm the third ) but I can't imagine not sucking it up when it's something involving my mom--and she's the worst of the lot! I always had to bend because "you know what your brother/sister is like." Ugh. But maybe it's the sibling vs. step-sibling thing.

I'm sorry you have to deal with this, gma. It's not fair to you.


I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20141 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
better4me
♀ Member
Member # 30341
Default  Posted: 5:20 PM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry. Does your daughter know that you are sad about this? You're right, it is her choice to forgive your her step brother or not, but I wonder if she knows this is causing you pain. Do you know if DSS is willing to make amends? Would that make a difference to your DD?


DDay 11/17/2010 BW:52
Divorced

Posts: 3122 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Iowa
FaithFool
♀ Member
Member # 20150
Default  Posted: 6:40 PM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Awww man, that is hard.... (((gma)))


DDay: June 15, 2008
Mistakenly married Mr. Superfreak
20 years of OWs, WTF?
Divorced Dec 26, 2011
"Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget
to sing in the lifeboats". -- Voltaire

Posts: 17381 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
kernel
♀ Member
Member # 27035
Default  Posted: 7:20 PM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hugs to you ((((gma)))). I'm sorry you have to live with this. I know EXACTLY what you mean. My oldest DD and my DS (technically my steps but I raised them and I am their Mom) don't get along either. I don't know what the issue was that caused the rift because neither will say, but I suspect it has something to do with their birth mother (a seriously worthless POS if there ever was one). Family is so important to me and I just can't get them to forgive each other and move past it. Nothing I can do and it breaks my heart.

((gma))


"On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% and that's pretty good."

Posts: 5118 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Midwest
gma56
♀ Member
Member # 19595
Default  Posted: 7:27 PM, June 12th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks everyone !
DSS has extended an invitation to have a conversation with her anytime she wishes. Nothing back from her.

I think so much of this comes from when they were kids and DSS pretty much got what he wanted from Dad,Grandparents, Auntie, and his bio mom. Part jealousy and she had to deal with an out of control brat for many years. As he got older he finally knew he had rules with me but damn he could work the family.I agree with her he was bad at times.

DD does know how I feel. My words for her was that If DSS was my bio kid, I would love him no matter what and that is how I feel about him being a Stepkid.Warts and all.
I posted the baby's picture on FB and she didn't even comment or like the picture. Completely ignored.

All she has is me near her and extended family long distance.Her Dad died when she was a kid so no siblings. She does have many friends and is married.

For me it's always been about family and it's sad everything is broken.
Gma


BW-Divorced
It's my life now, my choices, my mistakes to make and my victories to celebrate. His choices made me free of liars and betrayers in my life. That is priceless.

Posts: 20370 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Half way to where I want to be.
exhausted lady
♀ Member
Member # 30217
Default  Posted: 1:54 AM, June 14th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

gma.....I know this sucks, but your DD is an adult and has the right to dictate who belongs in her life and who doesn't. From the sounds of thing, you might not have the whole back story.

Respect her choices. Respect her boundaries. She deserves that. See them separately. He must have done something that she feels is a "dealbreaker" and you must respect her right to draw that line.


Sometimes the hardest part of finally seeing through someone is accepting what you see...

God grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to
change the one I can, and the wisdom to know it's me.
-Reinhold Neibuhr


Posts: 3168 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Colorado
exhausted lady
♀ Member
Member # 30217
Default  Posted: 1:54 AM, June 14th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

gma.....I know this sucks, but your DD is an adult and has the right to dictate who belongs in her life and who doesn't. From the sounds of thing, you might not have the whole back story.

Respect her choices. Respect her boundaries. She deserves that. See them separately. He must have done something that she feels is a "dealbreaker" and you must respect her right to draw that line.


Sometimes the hardest part of finally seeing through someone is accepting what you see...

God grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to
change the one I can, and the wisdom to know it's me.
-Reinhold Neibuhr


Posts: 3168 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: Colorado
debbysbaby
♀ Member
Member # 32962
Default  Posted: 7:31 AM, June 14th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

gma.....I know this sucks, but your DD is an adult and has the right to dictate who belongs in her life and who doesn't. From the sounds of thing, you might not have the whole back story.
Respect her choices. Respect her boundaries. She deserves that. See them separately. He must have done something that she feels is a "dealbreaker" and you must respect her right to draw that line.

It sounds like for the most part this is what you are doing.

I will tell you a true story though. My expoopsmear comes from a divorced home. He was 10 and the oldest of 4 siblings (2 sisters and a brother). His mother married a man almost immediately that had two kids who were close to the same ages but just a little younger(a girl and a boy). So when all the kids were together, there were 6 kids ages 10 to 4. Expoopsmear's brother began molesting his step sister when he was about 13 and she was 8 or 9. This went on for several years when she would come to visit her dad. She would make excuses to try to skip her visits but until the brother graduated high school and went off to college it continued...and she never told. Everyone assumed she just didn't want to go to dads house. To this day, she avoids family gatherings where the brother will be present. She confided in me what happened early in my marriage to poopsmear when I was pregnant with my first DD. She wanted to warn me about poopsmear's brother to protect my kids. NOBODY in the family knew and she didn't want me to tell anyone. Her mother had/has NO clue and she wanted it kept that way.

I am not saying this happened or even anything like it, but I just wanted to put it out there as an example.


-betrayed almost my whole almost 15 yr marriage
-divorced since 2004

Posts: 866 | Registered: Aug 2011
Topic Posts: 11

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