Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: Icandoallthings (44333)

Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: is this a normal reaction? BS's responses welcome!
cdnmommy
♀ Member
Member # 30182
Default  Posted: 11:25 AM, June 13th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Feeling like you need to get your mojo back as a BS is normal.

Normal does not always equal healthy or right.

You have every reason to be concerned and to expect your BH to address those concerns.


Me: BW
DDay: Oct 2010 + 6 weeks false R
2.5 (+?) year A with married coworker/my "friend"
1 great kid.
Reconciling and healing

Posts: 1728 | Registered: Nov 2010
Unagie
♀ Member
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 11:58 AM, June 13th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

However, it is perfectly understandable.

Nope. Divorce, yes. Separation, anger, name calling, yelling, arguments, therapy, getting back in shape, doing positive things to make yourself feel good again, hobbies, going back to school, getting a healthy support group are all understandable. Inviting a woman (especially one who is a known OW time and again)over to the home you still share while still being married with R still on the table is not understandable. Having your child there while you do it is not understandable. It is the exact behavior you abhorred someone doing to you but now it's understandable because you are doing it to them? It is unhealthy coping and a twisted form of healing that will do nothing but hurt more in the end. Your bartering your good conscience and integrity for a chance to stab someone and get blood on your hands.

Make sure he doesn't need this reassurance from anyone else. I know its hard, don't have so at him, he is trying to heal. love him through it.

Needing reassurance, is this the same as needing validation? Because needing validation from an outside source, yep wayward thinking. Love him through what? Him seeing another woman, as he is loving her through her A? And why shouldn't she have at him? I don't mean ranting and yelling but rather being able to voice her concerns about the fact that his behavior is sliding into a dangerous territory.

cdnmommy is right, while some may see this as normal behavior it is not healthy or right. The fact that so many are willing to say this is a consequence is ridiculous. If nothing justifies cheating, then cheating doesn't justify cheating either. It only compounds the pain. TG made a good suggestion, maybe it'd be a good idea to peek down in ICR. I've said it before no, one wants a double membership to a club they never wanted to be a part of.


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

Do not let others be your reference for who you see in the mirror.

Stop allowing people to hurt you, because you don't love you enough to walk away.


Posts: 2644 | Registered: Oct 2012
20WrongsVs1
♀ Member
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 12:12 PM, June 13th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wanting to "get even" is a normal reaction. But you two need to agree on what behavior you are both willing to accept, if you are going to R. For R to be possible, IMHO, both partners need to agree what the boundaries are, going forward.


fWW: 42
BH: 52
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response thereís a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1046 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
RyeBread
♂ Member
Member # 37437
Default  Posted: 12:14 PM, June 13th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Betrayed Spouse here...

My first thought was "that's not good". From the behaviors you describe I think he is far from R. It's one thing to lose a sense of self confidence and self esteem. But IMHO he is taking it too far.

I will say that regardless of your choices he also has a responsibility to be honest about his intentions going forward. I would clarify with him if he is wanting to R or play the field. You can also determine what you want out of this M, whether to save it or not.


Let him that would move the world first move himself. - Socrates

Posts: 1029 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Midwest
alphakitte
♀ Member
Member # 33438
Default  Posted: 12:22 PM, June 13th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

His behavior regarding other women is inappropriate and he is on a slippery slope. It may be revenge, or it may be that he is using your A as an excuse to do something he'd been wanting to do all along.

Regardless, it isn't healthy.


------ Some people are emotional tadpoles. Even if they mature they are just a warty toad. Catt

Posts: 347 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: 3 klicks north of Ambiguous
SuperDuperWonderboy
♂ Member
Member # 34716
Default  Posted: 12:27 PM, June 13th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I get the response. Is it healthy, no.

In reading some of your prior posts, You have always said you wanted to reconcile. But you have never said that he has decided to try to R with you.

DDay was in December, but you didn't go no contact until a month ago in May, and you still see the AP on a regular basis.

Have you been truthful with him about everything? Really truthful?

I see a guy who is moving on with his life, but hasn't had the courage to say it to you yet. I am not saying that this is right. I am also not saying it's too late to repair the marriage, but it is both your decisions. IMO you need to figure out whether he wants to try R or not. If he wants to try R, then this shit has to stop. If he doesn't, then start the divorce proceedings.

The fact that after six months you are still separated,and that he won't commit to R, leads me to believe that the A may have been a deal-breaker for him.

[This message edited by wonderboy at 12:28 PM, June 13th (Thursday)]


My Friends call me Wonderboy--That's Mr. SuperduperWonderboy to you Tred.


Posts: 1272 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Everett
badchoice
♂ Member
Member # 35566
Default  Posted: 12:35 PM, June 13th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WS here.

I think those *feelings* are understandable, but he seems to be acting upon those feelings which is not right or healthy.


Me: fWH/BH 46

Separated transitioning to D


Posts: 725 | Registered: May 2012 | From: L.A.
solus sto
♀ Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 1:37 PM, June 13th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not normal, and not okay, and not remotely compatible with reconciliation.

I understand that one can feel hypocritical for establishing healthy boundaries with the BS post-infidelity. But really, if ever there were a time to shore up boundaries, it's when you're working to rebuild a marriage.

If he's not all in, fine. He has that prerogative. But you have the right to say, "No more."

One of the most loving things you can do---something that firmly establishes that you CARE about his well-being and your ability to move forward constructively as a couple---is to prevent him from doing things that betray himself.

Is he betraying you and your marriage right now? I'd say yes. But even if you're not ready to take it that far, he is betraying himself. He's doing what he's doing for all the wrong reasons, and even if it feels good in the moment, will not for long. It is self-destructive. His behavior wayward, even if it has not escalated to the point of physical infidelity.

In your shoes (and honestly, I would want anyone who loved me to take this approach if I were acting out), I would tell him, "I love you, and want to rebuild our marriage. Your actions right now run completely counter to reconciliation. But worse, I'm concerned that they are self-destructive. You're doing things for the wrong reason: to prove that others find you attractive, to attempt to get back what I gave away, to hurt me. I understand all of these things---but my ability to empathize doesn't mean your behavior is appropriate. It is very painful to see you hurting yourself by compromising your values. This is NOT who you are. Trust me. I know that infidelity is soul suicide. I did it to myself before I annihilated what was special between us. But I can't watch as you commit this soul suicide. I love you too much. If you want to continue seeing other women, we will have to end our marriage. I don't want that. I want to be the woman in your life. If you cannot commit to that--if you don't want to work together to see if we can make a go of this--I can't stay in a marriage where one of us is working to get healthy and the other is heading down a slippery slope."

I am very sorry for your pain and confusion. I know the inclination is to assume responsibility for what is going on. Thing is, his actions are not your responsibility.

You can only control your own thoughts, feelings, and actions.

Millions of hugs to you.


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 52, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8350 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
SandAway
♀ Member
Member # 37775
Default  Posted: 2:24 PM, June 13th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think UO was pretty spot on in her comment.

You need to start looking out for yourself. Many around here say it is pretty hard to R when living apart. He is shoving this other woman in your face. He just happened to run into her in Boston? Having her over for dinner? Going out with her for drinks? He isn't thinking about R at all. He is living in a house that belongs to BOTH of you while getting lots of alone time to go out and have fun.

I am so sorry, but it is time for you to lawyer up and look out for yourself and your daughter. I am sure she is pretty confused right now also. Maybe it will help him make a decision instead of leaving you in limbo.


fWW
BH Tred
M 16yrs
DDay Nov. 2011

Guns don't kill people; Affairs kill people


Posts: 431 | Registered: Dec 2012
NoMorDeceit
♀ Member
Member # 23547
Default  Posted: 2:37 PM, June 13th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He never hung out with female friends before the A and knows how I feel about this one specific friend...I have never trusted her or been comfortable with her even before the A.

If he never hung out with female friends pre-A, how did you come to know her and "feel" uncomfortable towards her and your H's "friendship".
I ask this because I'm a big believer in gut instinct. You would not be the first WS to find out their BS had been stepping out either physically or emotionally at the same time. Is there a possibility that there has been more going on for longer than you realize? I understand you are processing your own horrible actions and dealing with the consequences, but is there the chance that while you were "checked" out of the marriage in your affair that you may have missed something? Something about this person was nagging at you pre-A or pre-DDay it sounds like.

...and they didn't just happen to bump into each other in Boston...that was a lie. It was a planned outing and he lied about it.

You did a terrible thing that he may not be able to reconcile over. Accept that. Having said that it is acceptable for you to tell him to make a decision: either file or commit to reconciling which means no conatct with female friends you are not comfortable with.

While I normally say the BS's control the terms of reconciliation when one of the terms becomes "I get to have girlfriends now because you fucked someone else"... then it is perfectly ok for the fWS to say "I don't think so".

Good luck.

[This message edited by NoMorDeceit at 2:38 PM, June 13th (Thursday)]


FBS, been through the D marathon too.
Many D Days in April 2009
Multiple affairs, LTAs, and many OWs
Reconciled... There is hope! :)


Posts: 468 | Registered: Apr 2009
aesir
♂ Member
Member # 17210
Default  Posted: 2:45 PM, June 13th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Based on reading your profile, it sounds like you are separated with no plan either way being expressed.

I think his behavior is normal. He seems to be exploring the possibilities for a "soft landing" if he proceeds with a divorce.

Just because this behavior is normal, does not make it any less inappropriate. We are all human, but I like to at least aspire to something better.


Your mileage may vary... in accordance with the prophecy.

Do not back up. Severe tire damage.


Posts: 14924 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Winnipeg
SandAway
♀ Member
Member # 37775
Default  Posted: 3:00 PM, June 13th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think his behavior is normal. He seems to be exploring the possibilities for a "soft landing" if he proceeds with a divorce.

Really?? I don't think it's normal at all. Alyssamd24 has stated that she wants R and her BH is not sure if he does yet - That does not give him a reason to test the waters.


fWW
BH Tred
M 16yrs
DDay Nov. 2011

Guns don't kill people; Affairs kill people


Posts: 431 | Registered: Dec 2012
Nailinmyforehead
♂ Member
Member # 38427
Default  Posted: 3:09 PM, June 13th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As a BS, I believe Wannabe hit it on the head for me, and this is exactly how I feel- "You want you WS to know that while YOU might think they suck, someone else does not. " Just poor self esteem.


"Son, you've got the future- shining like a piece of gold, but I swear as we get closer- it looks more like a lump of coal"

Posts: 132 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Ohio
aesir
♂ Member
Member # 17210
Default  Posted: 4:05 PM, June 13th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think his behavior is normal. He seems to be exploring the possibilities for a "soft landing" if he proceeds with a divorce.

Really?? I don't think it's normal at all. Alyssamd24 has stated that she wants R and her BH is not sure if he does yet - That does not give him a reason to test the waters.

Check the rest of my post.

Just because this behavior is normal, does not make it any less inappropriate.

Normal does not mean good. People normally do a lot of shitty things. As UO said earlier, affairs can be considered normal.

My concern is that he is not that he is unsure of what he wants, but unsure of what he can ger, and that Alyssamd24 is already the backup plan even if he does not yet have a plan.


Your mileage may vary... in accordance with the prophecy.

Do not back up. Severe tire damage.


Posts: 14924 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Winnipeg
lilflower1000
♀ Member
Member # 36634
Default  Posted: 4:22 PM, June 13th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sounds normal to me. After my husband had the affair, I lost about 40 lbs and started getting my hair done more often, buying new and sexier chothes etc. Everyone started telling me how good I looked. On the inside I was falling apart. I also started talking to some of males who I knew were attracted to me.
It is his way of taking care of himself. He needs to feel good about himself now. He needs to know that it is not him and that he is attractive to the opposite sex. He needs his ego stroked just like you probably did. Hopefully he will not take it too far.


lilflower1000
Me: 44 BS
Married 12 yrs
Dday:8/1/2012
True R: 12/2012
4kids(11, 8, 5, 4mos)+ 2 Step kids I love like my own

Posts: 299 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Georgia
hardlessons
♂ Member
Member # 35025
Default  Posted: 4:28 PM, June 13th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is his way of taking care of himself. He needs to feel good about himself now. He needs to know that it is not him and that he is attractive to the opposite sex. He needs his ego stroked just like you probably did. Hopefully he will not take it too far.

Really? That is him looking for external validation. Taking care of himself? Hopefully he doesn't take it too far? How far is acceptable? As a BS what would you deem too far?


Me WH
Wife Tired Girl
3 adult sons
"a wayward...annnnd just a tad betrayed."

Posts: 880 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: Arizona
lilflower1000
♀ Member
Member # 36634
Default  Posted: 4:51 PM, June 13th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I did not say it was acceptable, just a normal way of trying to get through it and ease the pain. As a wayward you will probably never understand the full extent of the pain. It is like you just want the pain to go away however possible. You feel so incredibly bad about yourself you donít know what to do. The person who you thought was your everything has betrayed you in every way imaginable and then, in many cases, turns around and calls you crazy when you catch them. I have never felt pain like this in my life, so yes it is normal to want to feel wanted by someone. Is it right to cheat, no. If you can't handle staying the right thing to do is to leave. I could never go through with cheating, but it sure does SUCK to have to be the better person all the time.


lilflower1000
Me: 44 BS
Married 12 yrs
Dday:8/1/2012
True R: 12/2012
4kids(11, 8, 5, 4mos)+ 2 Step kids I love like my own

Posts: 299 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Georgia
tired girl
♀ Member
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 4:55 PM, June 13th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, he understands. I am his wife. I came to SI first. As a wayward. He was betrayed.


Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 4537 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az
lilflower1000
♀ Member
Member # 36634
Default  Posted: 5:03 PM, June 13th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, I think it is obvious what is too far, but it sounds to me like they are separated, unless I read it wrong. It does not really sound like they are in reconciliation, so that is why I said it was normal. Of course, if they are in reconciliation this is not helping. I still think it is a normal way of trying to make yourself feel better. Not right, but just normal.


lilflower1000
Me: 44 BS
Married 12 yrs
Dday:8/1/2012
True R: 12/2012
4kids(11, 8, 5, 4mos)+ 2 Step kids I love like my own

Posts: 299 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Georgia
StrongerOne
♀ Member
Member # 36915
Default  Posted: 5:05 PM, June 13th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BW here. What Skan and Josephine said, times two.

Do I understand why he's doing this? Yes. Do I think it's right? No, I do not. He is on the way to an EA if he isn't there already. And using your DD to facilitate it.

Show him the mad hatter threads in I Can Relate.


DDay Feb 2011.
In R.

Posts: 841 | Registered: Sep 2012
Topic Posts: 94
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5

Return to Forum: Wayward Side Post Reply to this Topic
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.