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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: is this a normal reaction? BS's responses welcome!
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 10:43 AM, June 14th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To the original question. I'm sure the impulse is there. However, I question the success rate of R when it is based on external validation.

What's missing?

Strength


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2841 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
hardlessons
♂ Member
Member # 35025
Default  Posted: 11:26 AM, June 14th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Alyssamd24,

it doesn't matter what is normal, acceptable, whether it is due to being a BS/WS/ASS. Wrong behavior is wrong because it is wrong. Just because he is a BS doesn't mean he can JUSTIFY it, well shit that wouldn't be acceptable would it?

There is no time like the present to set up boundaries for yourself. You don't have to accept his behavior just like he doesn't have to accept yours.


Me WH
Wife Tired Girl
3 adult sons
"a wayward...annnnd just a tad betrayed."

Posts: 880 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: Arizona
Alyssamd24
♀ Member
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 11:33 AM, June 14th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes i was lying about NC with AP....but at this point I am not...it took me much longer to go NC than it should have and I regret that. But I have now come to my senses and am no longer lying.


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 838 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
uncertainone
♀ Member
Member # 28108
Default  Posted: 2:41 PM, June 14th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It rebuild my confidence and sense of worth.

How? I'm not asking to be a smart ass or bitchy, I'm honestly wondering. How did getting women that had no issue with the fact you were linked to another rebuild your confidence and sense of worth? It's actually the completely contradictory message. "I don't give a shit about your situation or how it may scream dysfunction...I don't give a shit about you. Just how you make me feel". Same thing most OP's feel about WS's.

I posted this in my other post but firmly believe. Two broken people just bleed together. That's it. I did the exact same thing you did. It about destroyed me.

I'll challenge you (not flaming). If you're truly ok with what your choices are how exactly can you have issues with hers? The fact they were hidden? Is that the only piece that's the issue?


Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth


Posts: 6795 | Registered: Mar 2010
heartache101
♀ Member
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 3:06 PM, June 14th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I truly believe a marraige can not be fixed if you are not living in the same household! Move back HOME!
Even if you sleep in the spare room move back home.

But only if you are done with the AP. Of course.

I hope you are working on you and why you have done such a thing to your life and your family. Dig deep and work hard an know matter what be truthful.

Good luck.


There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3187 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
cpacan
♂ New Member
Member # 35883
Default  Posted: 3:19 PM, June 14th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


How? I'm not asking to be a smart ass or bitchy, I'm honestly wondering. How did getting women that had no issue with the fact you were linked to another rebuild your confidence and sense of worth? It's actually the completely contradictory message. "I don't give a shit about your situation or how it may scream dysfunction...I don't give a shit about you. Just how you make me feel". Same thing most OP's feel about WS's.

I posted this in my other post but firmly believe. Two broken people just bleed together. That's it. I did the exact same thing you did. It about destroyed me.

I'll challenge you (not flaming). If you're truly ok with what your choices are how exactly can you have issues with hers? The fact they were hidden? Is that the only piece that's the issue?


I'll try and see if I answer it in a meaningfull way, to my self at least.

I don't know why you get the impression that it was broken women I dated? There was absolutely nothing hidden and no betrayed people. I met quite a few on dating sites who were looking for a NSA-relationship - nothing complicated - I was surprised myself because I didn't think I would find any.

Also remember that my self-esteem was below the panels and it didn't take much to improve. Before this I didn't think I was good enough for anybody, now I realized that I could find another woman even if my marriage were over.

I admit that the lack of self worth were my issue at the time and probably un-knowingly several years before that. I don't have that problem anymore - to that degree anyway (not just because of this).

As for the second question. I know it probably screams double standard or hypocrate to some of you, I've thought about it myself.

In hindsight, what have damaged our relationship the most, isn't the the fact that she had sex with another man for a periode of nine months, it was the betrayal and especially the lies and cover up activities in the aftermath. It's just a relationship killer. I finally reached a point where I had to tell her, that if she told me one more lie, and I don't care how small, I would and still will help her pack her bags and say goodbye within five minutes.

Had she talked with me about her desires, things would have been different. I would probably initially have been surprised and maybe a bit disappointed in not being enough for her, but wwe could have talked it out and reached some kind of agreement, we have subsequently talked about swinging etc.

But betrayal, I hate it. And I wouldn't have dated without her consent.


BS (me): 47
WS: 44
Together for 27 years...
2 kids, 12 and 9
DD: april 2011, 9 months PA

Posts: 15 | Registered: Jun 2012
Alyssamd24
♀ Member
Member # 39005
Default  Posted: 4:01 PM, June 14th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you heartache. I agree that you need to be in the same home in order to fix things. ...at this point though BH says I may not move back home...I have asked many times and feel like since I am the one who screwed up I need to respect his wishes.
I am most definitely done with the AP....I wish it hadn't taken me as long as it did to go NC with him but I fell into the fog hard.
I am in IC now and am starting to learn what my issues are so I can hopefully fix them and move on.


"I need to be redeemed to the one I've sinned against because he's all I ever knew of love"

Posts: 838 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Massachusetts
uncertainone
♀ Member
Member # 28108
Default  Posted: 4:19 PM, June 14th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I don't know why you get the impression that it was broken women I dated? There was absolutely nothing hidden and no betrayed people. I met quite a few on dating sites who were looking for a NSA-relationship - nothing complicated - I was surprised myself because I didn't think I would find any.

How I got that impression? Did you not tell them you were still married? You seriously didn't think you'd find any? Really? Who do you think people cheat with? Healthy well adjusted self aware people? In case you haven't seen, finding someone ain't hard and it sure as shit doesn't mean "you're" a great catch.


Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth


Posts: 6795 | Registered: Mar 2010
nofool4u
♂ Member
Member # 38509
Default  Posted: 4:28 PM, June 14th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nofool4u I would like to know how does her having an A means that she has lost the right to have a voice when things he's doing bother or raise red flags?

Unagie. She has the right to voice whatever she likes. So me saying losing the "right" is the wrong choice of words.

However, it won't bode well for someone that has cheated to then complain about being cheated on.

But I digress on that. If they are to reconcile, then his behavior needs to stop, with the exception of working on himself and his self esteem. The dating someone else thing needs to stop.

[This message edited by nofool4u at 4:38 PM, June 14th (Friday)]


Me - fBS

Posts: 210 | Registered: Feb 2013
nofool4u
♂ Member
Member # 38509
Default  Posted: 4:30 PM, June 14th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nah, it's not fucking "normal." My BH didn't do this. Neither did many others. It's certainly not the path to R

As a fBS, I can tell you.....it is normal. Not to the extreme he is taking it no. But for the first part of her post, it is normal for a BS to feel inadequate, then all of a sudden want to change their appearance, look better and feel better about themselves. As far as the rest of what she is talking about, no, not normal.


Me - fBS

Posts: 210 | Registered: Feb 2013
nofool4u
♂ Member
Member # 38509
Default  Posted: 4:32 PM, June 14th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Please note that none of the WS's in here are your WS, your projection isn't necessary.

I'm not projecting anything. She is wanting to know if this is normal behavior from a BS. And as a fBS, I'm stating that it is with exception to the extremes he is taking it.
Nowhere did I put my former WS in the mix. As a fBS I can tell you I went through this and immediately started working on myself, as she stated he did by wearing contacts and working out.

[This message edited by nofool4u at 4:34 PM, June 14th (Friday)]


Me - fBS

Posts: 210 | Registered: Feb 2013
uncertainone
♀ Member
Member # 28108
Default  Posted: 4:43 PM, June 14th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

However, it won't bode well for someone that has cheated to then complain about being cheated on.

It won't? For whom? Actually, it won't "bode well" to not find objection to being cheated on.

I can imagine more than just a couple waywards throwing confetti and pounding shots. "Yeah? You did? GREAT. So you can now STFU finally and swallow all those questions. We're good. Carry on"

Some of you seem to feel that if anyone sees issues with his behavior it's green lighting hers. You don't see that if you truly believe there is no excuse for an affair or affair type behavior...none, then it means just that...no excuse.

Find me a wayward that can't come up with an absolutely compelling excuse. I see the mind fucks that many of the men endure on a repeated basis in the betrayed men's thread.

Each excuse another cut. Each reason another lash. Bet some of the wives think that is complete truth. Believe it for this EXACT reason. If "he" (or she, obviously) hadn't done xyz I NEVER would have done that.

Funny thing, some just love pointing their WS's this direction to be pinata'd a bit by some WS veterans to hopefully get some sense knocked into them yet pop smoke if they get called on some of their own shady shit.

We don't discriminate here. If it's crap, we smell it. From miles.


Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth


Posts: 6795 | Registered: Mar 2010
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 4:44 PM, June 14th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think the problem (to me, anyway) is one of credibility. The wayward person doesn't have a leg to stand on as far as giving out boundary advice/edicts...not only that, but they were super OK with double standards until relatively recently. So while I agree he's in the wrong with his actions, to expect a BS to hear a boundary lecture from a recent WS is completely unrealistic.


I refuse to let a wound ruin me.
**Guts over fear.**

Posts: 2078 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
nofool4u
♂ Member
Member # 38509
Default  Posted: 4:51 PM, June 14th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It won't? For whom?

Either one of them now.



I can imagine more than just a couple waywards throwing confetti and pounding shots. "Yeah? You did? GREAT. So you can now STFU finally and swallow all those questions. We're good. Carry on"

Some of you seem to feel that if anyone sees issues with his behavior it's green lighting hers. You don't see that if you truly believe there is no excuse for an affair or affair type behavior...none, then it means just that...no excuse.

Which is why I said I digress and that he needs to stop messing around with this other woman if they are thinking about reconciliation.


Me - fBS

Posts: 210 | Registered: Feb 2013
nofool4u
♂ Member
Member # 38509
Default  Posted: 4:52 PM, June 14th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think the problem (to me, anyway) is one of credibility. The wayward person doesn't have a leg to stand on as far as giving out boundary advice/edicts...not only that, but they were super OK with double standards until relatively recently. So while I agree he's in the wrong with his actions, to expect a BS to hear a boundary lecture from a recent WS is completely unrealistic.

Yes, that is pretty much the point.

But now if they are to work on things, they both need to talk about boundaries, in a non-lecturing way. Neither of them can take the high ground to demand anything. It needs to be discussed.


Me - fBS

Posts: 210 | Registered: Feb 2013
cpacan
♂ New Member
Member # 35883
Default  Posted: 4:57 PM, June 14th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How I got that impression? Did you not tell them you were still married? You seriously didn't think you'd find any? Really? Who do you think people cheat with? Healthy well adjusted self aware people? In case you haven't seen, finding someone ain't hard and it sure as shit doesn't mean "you're" a great catch.

No, I haven't seen, I have been concentrating all my attention and energy on my marriage partner for 27 years. But thanks for letting me know and thanks for the label.

I find it ironic that I was the one to get a warning earlier on.

If this is what "BS's responses welcome" means, I obviously don't blend in here.


BS (me): 47
WS: 44
Together for 27 years...
2 kids, 12 and 9
DD: april 2011, 9 months PA

Posts: 15 | Registered: Jun 2012
Deeply Scared
♀ Administrator
Member # 2
Red  Posted: 4:59 PM, June 14th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

cpacan


I find it ironic that I was the one to get a warning earlier on.

You got a warning because you invited flaming and fighting. We don't operate like that here on this entire site.


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 197773 | Registered: May 2002
nofool4u
♂ Member
Member # 38509
Default  Posted: 5:16 PM, June 14th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

cpacan,

Yes, do not invite flaming. Its against the TOS.

If OP is wanting input from BS's who more than likely know what is going through her husband's mind, then just state your opinion as a BS and you should be fine.


Me - fBS

Posts: 210 | Registered: Feb 2013
Unagie
♀ Member
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 5:22 PM, June 14th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

However, it won't bode well for someone that has cheated to then complain about being cheated on.

Yea it's a little personal I know but I'm a madhatter. He cheated and lied to me. I know it was emotional but will probably never know if it was physical though I suspected such. You know what it hurt, it felt like a knife cutting into what was left of me after my actions had already torn me apart. I wanted to die, I am being honest. It took awhile for me to function again. The fact that I cheated first does not mean I could not say anything to him when he cheated on me. Not when he screamed in my face about having honesty and integrity. Not when he told me he was the only good guy left. Not when he now became exactly what he abhorred.

I cannot believe that this statement even comes forth. The cheater has to now stuff it down or fear saying something because it won't bode well for them? Why? Because they cheated so now they should just suck it up and expect the behavior as justifiable? Nobody cheating can be justified. The act is wrong no matter who it happens to.

[This message edited by Unagie at 5:23 PM, June 14th (Friday)]


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

"To be loyal to myself is to allow myself to grow and change, and challenge who I am and what I think."


Posts: 2736 | Registered: Oct 2012
uncertainone
♀ Member
Member # 28108
Default  Posted: 5:45 PM, June 14th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think the problem (to me, anyway) is one of credibility. The wayward person doesn't have a leg to stand on as far as giving out boundary advice/edicts...not only that, but they were super OK with double standards until relatively recently. So while I agree he's in the wrong with his actions, to expect a BS to hear a boundary lecture from a recent WS is completely unrealistic.

I completely agree. Boundary lectures are actually boundary violations

Boundaries aren't "lectured". They're adhered to. It's really just that. You don't put them on tee shirts and give finger pointing presentations.

You simply state what you will and won't accept and let go of the response.

It would honestly reassure me to see my WS setting boundaries for themselves and other's. I wouldn't even consider it if they didn't. My ex cheated before we got married. I married him anyway. I never brought it up, never even thought about it, honestly.

Think my boundaries might have been a bit fucked? I justified it because he was honest. Yeah, about that one

When you come from a rather brutal childhood somethings seem pretty tolerable by comparison. That survival instinct can be a real bitch...along with the holder (me).

When I post calling out behavior that's not quite right it's for one reason only. I don't want anyone else to go through the pain I did. My betrayal of myself about killed me. I've called it soul suicide and it was...for me.

If "you" are ok with it from "yourself" then party on Wayne. It is true that waywards don't make sympathetic "victims", at least to some of us waywards. Self pity is sooooooo last season. Blech.


Me: 37

'til the roof comes off. 'til the lights go out. 'til my legs give out, can't shut my mouth


Posts: 6795 | Registered: Mar 2010
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