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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Nowhere Else To Turn
jb3199
♂ Member
Member # 27673
Default  Posted: 4:40 AM, June 15th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Be careful, my friend.

Yesterday, it was the first time she had actually shown a glimmer of true remorse.

Remember what I posted earlier. There is a huge difference between regret and remorse. And we are so desperately looking for remorse, that we overlook what that really means. The most common responses to the questions we ask our spouse about the affair(or its effects) are:

--"I don't remember"
--"I didn't think that you would care"

and the #1 response:

--"I didn't think about it".

But of course they thought about it. You stated yourself that she lived an entire double life. And with that double life comes a whole bunch of lying, acting, and manipulation. The sad truth is that she thought about it all the time.

I am not trying to turn you against her and tell you to get out of dodge. What I am trying to get you to do is start to step back emotionally...which is one of the hardest things to do...so you can see things in a different light. The anger phase will hit you sooner or later, and it is best to use that anger constructively.

Today, I told her that I am planning to tell the OBS. She started getting very emotional. When asked, she said because it is very humiliating for her, and she doesn't think she is strong enough to go through with our whole, small, community knowing. She said, that I regretted unlike how most people would react, and she has a greater appreciation for me.

Again, I wasn't there to listen to your conversation, but what I see is "me, me,.....I.....me...etc". How this will affect her. And it is important that you see this. Again, like stronger said, their actions are almost scripted at this point. And regretfully, so are ours. We beg and plead with our own conscience to accept things that we shouldn't. We tell our spouses what our next moves will be(i.e. you telling the other betrayed spouse), because we feel that we should be honest and open with them and lead by example---when right now, that is one thing that we should not do.

You need to be a little more selfish at this point. I guarantee that you will not "drive her away" with these actions. If she does leave, or threaten to, then trust me---she wasn't committed to the marriage.

With remorse comes empathy...a whole lot of it. She would be concerned about your feelings before hers, and that is simply not the case. Maybe someday she will "get it"---but not at this point. She had to vilify you for a long time to do what she did, even though she stated that she didn't leave you due to you being too nice...and not deserving of that. The truth is, she simply did not care enough about you, and put her selfish needs first. For over a year.

That mindset doesn't change overnight.

Hang in there, because it does get easier. We have got your back...even if it sounds like we are beating you up. We are trying to get you through this as mistake free as possible----because we made TONS of mistakes when we were in your position. And you can avoid many of the pitfalls if you are open to our suggestions.

[This message edited by jb3199 at 4:41 AM, June 15th (Saturday)]


BH-46
WW-44
2 boys-17 & 19(special needs)
Married 21yrs.(together 26yrs.)

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day: 9/18/09 D-Day#2: 2/19/10 The Marriage Killer: 6/6/11
Heading for D


Posts: 1870 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: northeast
Snowback
♂ New Member
Member # 39533
Default  Posted: 9:38 PM, June 15th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Don't worry about giving me tough love!!

If I can still wake up the next day after through what I went through, I can handle well intentioned constructive advice.

She can never claim the I am just an insane, jealous husband. Right after dday, I had her write out on paper every time she met him, and where it took place.

We made an agreement, where every single night, for one hour, I can ask her questions that are on my mind. She must answer them, without any hesitance. We have done this twice, fully complying. I view this as progress. Where she wants to make this work.

Then again, I could just be naive!! There is one thing I do know. I definitely don't want to make a rash decision, or to "cut my nose off despite my face."

Thank you all


Posts: 7 | Registered: Jun 2013
crisp
♂ Member
Member # 34236
Default  Posted: 7:02 AM, June 16th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Step back from the counselor. Joint sessions will be helpful if you ever get to the point where she has done to work to get to that stage. Right now, she needs to see her own counselor to get to the root of her brokenness.

I don't have a lot of experience in relationship or mental health counseling, but reading here over time give one a collective wisdom. That wisdom is clear. MC (marriage counseling) is only appropriate and effective after the wayward spouse does the hard work in IC (individual counseling) needed to own their own shit and show true remorse.

Your current MC is either incompetent or thinks of herself as a mediator and is doing harm to you and your reconciliation prospects. In the legal field, there are lawyers that work as mediators. Their job is to see if they can get parties to agree on a resolution to a dispute. They do not try to get a fair deal or accomplish what is just. It sounds like your MC is trying to even the playing field in your marriage. SO WRONG. My guess is that the MC sees her role as an attempt to get you to forgive and move on. Dump her.


Posts: 298 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: NE US
Topic Posts: 23
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