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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: What helps in reconciling?
LearningToFly
♀ Member
Member # 39073
Default  Posted: 2:16 AM, June 13th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH wants specifics in showing me that he wants our marriage to work. He tends to be passive and emotionally distant as a rule. I would like him to take the initiative to be open and honest (two things he has not done much in our marriage) and be willing to listen with his heart instead of listening to find fault with what I say, how i say it, or how many times its been said.

His biggest complaint about me is that I do a lot of bad communication such as name calling, blaming, sarcasm, and undertones. I have done these things a lot. They are reactions to his broken promises and lack of sensitivity to me over and over. I know they aren't right and try to control myself but I slip often. When I do, he is right there to point a finger at me. He says I have "devastated" him with my words. I think, surely I haven't expressed myself in a negative way every single time and the things I am saying to him are also said at church, in the counseling office and in most relationship books he could pick up. I feel that he doesn't want to take responsibility for his behavior so he criticizes the way I bring it to his attention. His favorite phrase is "You can see it that way if you want to" or "Thats your interpretation" Its truly frustrating and confusing to me.

He wrote a lot of things about his feeling toward me to his OW. Among them was that he married me out of duty because he felt like he should. He asked, I said yes, and he believed he couldn't get out of it after that. I am finding this out after 28 years of marriage while reading his email to someone else. I was a virgin when we married so I don't understand why he felt so obligated. I just feel like he lied to me. He told her he loved her with a "love he had never felt before" and that he finally understood what emotional connection was all about. He talked about leaving me and feeling like he couldn't because I would give him a guilt trip. He talked about wanting to be here until the kids launched. (which will be in a few more months). He also said he wanted to give our relationship a full try so he can leave without a guilty conscience. He claims these emails and what they say are in the past but how can I know this for sure? He has lied so much to me.

He still believes that he was there for me while being there for her. On the day my sister died, he hugged me and said he was sorry. The rest of the day he spent instant messaging with OW and writing numerous emails about a Beatles song they both related to. We drove our sick daughter to the hospital several times and he says he was there with me, yet his emails to her afterward tell her all about his feelings and that HE drove our daughter. In his emails, I am a burden, in the way, stopping him from experiencing true love or I am invisible.

He also still has her as a facebook friend. He isn't on facebook much but it bothers me especially since I have been checking it lately and she is posting a lot because her father died. One of her posts seemed like a direct call out to him for him to come see her. I may be reading into it but it really does seem directed at him.

He says he wants things to "work out" and that he sees "potential" for us. He says he is trying and I do see some effort. But, what is it that I really need from him? I don't know what to ask. His efforts so far aren't enough. I think mainly because I see what he did as much worse than he sees it. We also didn't have a great marriage before the A so he feels like he gave up and turned to someone who could "meet his emotional needs." He thinks that his hurt through my "words" is just as bad as his lying and cheating. I know I am not perfect but my motivation for communication was to get his attention and connect. His motivation for the affair was to move away from me and get his needs met elsewhere.


Me - BS (53) Him-WS(58)
Her OW(55) HighSchoolGirlfriend
Together 30 years Married 28 Kids 24,21,18
D day Feb 26 2013 after 20 months
D day March 4 they met again "to say goodbye"
D day April 2 found out about secret email

Posts: 188 | Registered: Apr 2013
Zayda1
♀ Member
Member # 35387
Default  Posted: 5:06 AM, June 13th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wait, they are still Facebook friends?

He needs total no contact with her. This means heneeds to block this woman on Facebook. This will make her invisible. My WH actually closed his Facebook account as part of R.

He need to be totally transparent, he needs to listen to your pain and not deflect.

Sweetie, you are not in R. Your husband is still being selfish and is making this about him.

Please seek out IC and read "Not Just Friends".


Married 9 years, together for 11 years
2 children (7 years & 4 years)
Discovery of PA 04/15/12 (It only lasted a "couple of weeks" but it still shattered my world.)

Posts: 464 | Registered: Apr 2012
ItsaClimb
♀ Member
Member # 37107
Default  Posted: 6:54 AM, June 13th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LearningToFly I can identify with so much of what you have written.
His biggest complaint about me is that I do a lot of bad communication such as name calling, blaming, sarcasm, and undertones. I have done these things a lot. They are reactions to his broken promises and lack of sensitivity to me over and over. I know they aren't right and try to control myself but I slip often. When I do, he is right there to point a finger at me. He says I have "devastated" him with my words.
^^^this part especially.

My fWH and I were SLOW learners! He is naturally a rather arrogant and defensive kind of person and those negative character traits came out in full force after D-Day. To make matters worse, I have quite a temper and a quick tongue, so I spent many, many hours being angry, name calling, shouting etc etc. We had a TERRIBLE time and seemed to go around in circles... I would start a conversation, he would react defensively or deny certain things, I would flip out and start shouting and saying horrible things, he would become arrogant, defensive, sarcastic etc, which would make me flip out even more ....wash, rinse, repeat! Horrible. Our road to R has NOT been pretty!

That being said, I don't think we would still be in R if fWH hadn't caught a BIG wake-up. It took me getting to a point of being completely broken (we had one VERY traumatic Sunday) for him to FINALLY realise that if he wanted R to happen he was going to have to change his modus operandi. Equally, I have had to accept the fact that although I have been wronged, BADLY, and I have every reason to be hurt and angry, I cannot go on ripping into him all the time like that. I have tried SO hard to get a grip on my temper, and control what comes out of my mouth - not always successfully, but I keep on trying!

Without minimising my faults in our attempt to R in the first 9 months, I think the crux of our problem was fWH's defensive, fault-finding, arrogant attitude. Things just never worked for any length of time for us until the day that fWH finally GOT IT. It was like the penny dropped, he FINALLY saw that HE had done wrong, HE was at fault here, HE could not dictate whether we R or not, he had no grounds for his arrogant, self-serving behaviour. THAT was key. Once I saw THAT attitude of humility in him (and it's not something you can put-on, it's something that you can SEE in their actions, their tone of voice, their body-language) THEN I softened towards him. Things changed dramatically from that point on. He was instantly more caring, kind and gentle with me and I quite naturally felt more forgiving, less angry and more inclined to want to R with him.

So to answer your question, I think HUMILITY is key (well it was in my situation).

I think you also have to "get on the same page". You have to begin walking through R hand-in-hand, facing the future together, rather than opposing each other. After fWH and I hit rock bottom, on that horrible Sunday, we have had lots of really good talks. NOW I feel like we are on the same page. We worked out what we both want, how we plan to get there, what we both feel about R and our marriage. I feel that we are now in this thing together. I used this image in a conversation with fWH: He threw me in a deep dark pit on D-Day and in those ugly months after D-Day it was like he was standing at the top of the pit yelling at me, saying things like:"well if you would only make up your mind to, you could get out of the pit" and "what are you still doing in the pit? Climb out"... NOW it is like he has climbed down into that pit to comfort me and help me climb out of it. We're climbing out TOGETHER.

Finally I think you have to both be fully, completely and utterly committed to R. It's not a smooth road and without full commitment, I think things could fall apart along the way so easily. And I think part of that commitment is total NC. I really, really feel your WH has GOT to block the OW on facebook. He should WANT to do that.

[This message edited by ItsaClimb at 6:56 AM, June 13th (Thursday)]


BS 46
Together 29 yrs, M 25 years
2 daughters 24yo(married with a brand new little daughter) & 19yo
D-Day 18 Aug 2012
6mth EA lead to 4mth PA with CO-W. I found out 8 1/2 yrs later

Posts: 933 | Registered: Oct 2012
Rise And Shine
♀ Member
Member # 27513
Default  Posted: 8:36 AM, June 13th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He wrote a lot of things about his feeling toward me to his OW

Speaking of "interpretations", imo, he wasn't writing about his feelings towards you but rather writing things that outlined his poor character to the ow (not that the act of cheating alone wasn't explicit enough).

he married me out of duty because he felt like he should. He asked, I said yes, and he believed he couldn't get out of it after that

My interpretation of the above quote made me immediately feel sorry for you that he married you. If what he wrote was true then what a despicable thing to do to another person. And seeing how the cheating spouse is "putting his best foot forward" with his AP, his intention with the above quote is to show her how noble he is. The AP's interpretation of the above quote is that the man she's cheating with is a noble man. These people are so very cuckoo when they're in an A. The question the BS needs to figure out the answer to is if their WS was ALWAYS cuckoo- cuckoo long before the A. The answer is probably a good indication as to whether or not a WS can be rehabilitated post-A.

A good indication of how realistic your interpretations of the truthfulness of the words he wrote to her is by taking a close look at whether his actions match(ed) his words.

He tells her this:

he loved her with a "love he had never felt before" and that he finally understood what emotional connection was all about

But he also tells her this:

He talked about leaving me and feeling like he couldn't because I would give him a guilt trip

Really? If guilt was powerful enough to prevent him from leaving you for this utopian love and emotional connection, then it would have been powerful enough to prevent him from HAVING AN A IN THE FIRST PLACE!

What he really told her was that their luv-thing felt all good and fun but not good or fun enough to leave his marriage. No doubt that in his mind at the time he was presenting more evidence to his AP that he was noble and also fueling the luv-thing with a dose of romantic Romeo/Juliet drama.

You need to check your interpretation on where you are now with him so that you can put away your fear, recognize your upper hand and use it quickly.

the things I am saying to him are also said at church, in the counseling office and in most relationship books he could pick up

I believe that's the truth. My truth is that the things I said to my WH for a long time after my dday would NEVER be said in any church, counseling office or relationship book. My WH learned very quickly not to say things to me like: I have devastated him with my words, or, You can see it that way if you want to, or, That's your interpretation, or, his hurt through my words is just as bad as his lying and cheating.

How are you not disgusted enough with him to make him de-friend his OW on FB?? If there's any hope of your marriage surviving his A then you're going to have to find your courage to define your personal boundaries and ENFORCE them. Find your courage.

[This message edited by Rise And Shine at 8:43 AM, June 13th (Thursday)]


April 25, 2009

Posts: 3263 | Registered: Feb 2010
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 8:39 AM, June 13th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think he is full of shit.

I don't believe your words "devastate" him.

I think he tells you that to manipulate you into not talking about his affair.

Tell him his affair has devastated YOU. And to put his big boy pants on and own his shit.


BS(me)41
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,9
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Happily Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7259 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
painpaingoaway
♀ Member
Member # 27196
Default  Posted: 9:09 AM, June 13th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't believe your words "devastate" him.

I think he tells you that to manipulate you into not talking about his affair.

yes, exactly. He is engaging in classic blameshifting.

He needs to get rid of the OW on Facebook immediately. And if he wants to mend the marriage, he'd better get with the program ASAP.

Don't listen to his shit. 180.


me BS female 56/him WS 59
Married 33 years
D-day July 09/he gave me his slut's STD
Watch my movie: "My wayward husband's adventures in STD land":
Episode 1: youtu.be/9Jv0-d_CdYc
Episode 2: http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=8Tz822H82Gk

Posts: 7031 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Coastal South
LearningToFly
♀ Member
Member # 39073
Default  Posted: 10:04 AM, June 13th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ItsAClimb,
You are describing my husband and I exactly. I really do try to stay calm and respectful. It is so hard when he turns everything on me. This has been our dynamic for 30 years, way before the affair. He has told me several times that he is a nice guy and that I am interpreting him wrong. Yet, others have challenged him too. He just doesn't hear them. He is very charismatic and gets a lot of kudos wherever he goes so he really doesn't see how he treats me. I have said simular things to him like you explained about the pit. He doesn't get it. He needs specific things to do. Kind of like a robot with buttons. If he does xyz then I will be happy. I don't know what to ask for because I really want to FEEL a difference in him.


Me - BS (53) Him-WS(58)
Her OW(55) HighSchoolGirlfriend
Together 30 years Married 28 Kids 24,21,18
D day Feb 26 2013 after 20 months
D day March 4 they met again "to say goodbye"
D day April 2 found out about secret email

Posts: 188 | Registered: Apr 2013
LearningToFly
♀ Member
Member # 39073
Default  Posted: 10:10 AM, June 13th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have mentioned that he has this woman on his FaceBook. He says he doesn't go there anymore. I don't want to point blank tell him to get rid of her because he might do it but he will feel bullied into doing it. I want him to do it because its the right thing to do, because he cares about me and wants to communicate that. I could block her myself. I have his FaceBook password. I want HIM to do it because he wants to.


Me - BS (53) Him-WS(58)
Her OW(55) HighSchoolGirlfriend
Together 30 years Married 28 Kids 24,21,18
D day Feb 26 2013 after 20 months
D day March 4 they met again "to say goodbye"
D day April 2 found out about secret email

Posts: 188 | Registered: Apr 2013
Rise And Shine
♀ Member
Member # 27513
Default  Posted: 10:46 AM, June 13th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am interpreting him wrong. Yet, others have challenged him too. He just doesn't hear them...

he really doesn't see how he treats me...

He doesn't get it...

How convenient for him that you choose to see his behavior as a result of his inability "to get it".

Lady, he gets it. He sees it. He hears it. He simply doesn't have any reason to do anything differently.

I don't want to point blank tell him to get rid of her because he might do it but he will feel bullied into doing it. I want him to do it because its the right thing to do, because he cares about me and wants to communicate that.

Do you think giving him the choice to either delete his OW from FB or leave the house would be a form of bullying him into doing something?

Or would it be a form of showing him that you respect yourself too much to allow him or anyone else to treat you with such little respect?


April 25, 2009

Posts: 3263 | Registered: Feb 2010
nekokamisama
♂ New Member
Member # 38695
Default  Posted: 10:53 AM, June 13th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have mentioned that he has this woman on his FaceBook. He says he doesn't go there anymore. I don't want to point blank tell him to get rid of her because he might do it but he will feel bullied into doing it. I want him to do it because its the right thing to do, because he cares about me and wants to communicate that. I could block her myself. I have his FaceBook password. I want HIM to do it because he wants to.

This is similar to one of my problems from before the last A and up until a couple of months ago. I did not tell my W how I REALLY felt about things because I didn't want to hurt her feelings or get her angry at me.

The end result of course is that she went along her merry way happy and I just let things fester inside me. We had an almost exact same situation as you regarding facebook.

A couple of years ago she added the OM from her first EA to facebook. I saw that she did it and we talked about it then as they had been NC for some time. Eventually I told her I was ok with it, which was a huge lie. Things were ok, they would literally only talk on facebook once or twice a year and everything was "friend" stuff.

However he kept asking her to visit him (he lives in NL) which upset me. The final straw came after we had some family portraits done and the photographer posted a couple of the pictures on facebook for us and he commented on the photo. It was innocent, like "what a beautiful family". I saw it and just blew up. My mother saw his comment and asked if that was him (she knew about him and my W's A). This was in December of last year.

My wife and I discussed it (argued more like) and I told her point blank, he HAS to go. No more communications with him ever. She finally agreed and de-friended and blocked him. I decided I would no longer hide or lie about my feelings to my W. It is still a bit difficult for me, but I am working on it.

[This message edited by nekokamisama at 10:54 AM, June 13th (Thursday)]


Me: BS/FWH 46
Her: FWW/BS 39
OM: 32 3-month EA/PA
Married: 11 years
2 Sons: 7,19

D-Day 2004 (my EA/PA, her EA almost PA)
D-Day 2005 (her EA)
D-Day 8/28/2012 (TT her EA)
D-Day #2 7/22/2013 (more TT)
D-Day #3 7/24/2013 (Truth 2.0 EA/ PA)
In R


Posts: 13 | Registered: Mar 2013
ItsaClimb
♀ Member
Member # 37107
Default  Posted: 10:55 AM, June 13th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He doesn't get it. He needs specific things to do. Kind of like a robot with buttons
I understand exactly what you are saying LearningtoFly, my fWH is exactly the same. He lacks that "sensitivity" and has to be told what to do, can't always (most times!) figure it out for himself. I have come to accept that it is a handicap he has - he just isn't very emotionally intelligent at all.

Fortunately now that he has "come to the party" he is willing to admit that he has this problem. He is trying very hard to work on it and I am also being very open about what I expect from him. So far, so good.

I think when dealing with people like this we have to accept that we will probably always have to prompt them and spell out for them what we need from them. It's hard for me to understand, because in this respect I am the complete opposite of fWH and I can't comprehend why I have to TELL him this stuff that he should instinctively KNOW. It's frustrating!

I've been thinking about the stuff your WH wrote in the emails. Please just remember that the A and the things he said were HONESTLY not about you. WSs will say and do ANYTHING to try to justify to themselves why it is OK for them to cheat. It's what they do. Sometimes they even manage to convince themselves that this stuff is true. It's not. If it was true, if they were THAT unhappy, they would leave. "Duty" would not keep them in a marriage for more than 20 years!! They would certainly not be attempting R. Let's be honest, the R process is not fun for either the WS or the BS... if the marriage was as bad as they make out to the OW, why on earth would they be going through R to try to save it?!

Don't believe that stuff that's in the emails, don't let it get you down. Most WS's have to "demonise" their BSs to make themselves think they are justified in having the A. It may be hard to believe, but the A had nothing whatsoever to do with you. Nothing at all. All this stuff they say is just a fantasy, just like the "wonderful" relationship they have with the OW... It's all fantasy.


BS 46
Together 29 yrs, M 25 years
2 daughters 24yo(married with a brand new little daughter) & 19yo
D-Day 18 Aug 2012
6mth EA lead to 4mth PA with CO-W. I found out 8 1/2 yrs later

Posts: 933 | Registered: Oct 2012
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 11:03 AM, June 13th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

^^THIS^^

And a slight t/j...Welcome back rise and shine! I noticed the other day that you were posting again. You've been missed!


BS(me)41
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,9
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Happily Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7259 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
LivingALie
♀ Member
Member # 17217
Default  Posted: 11:10 AM, June 13th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So you want him to delete her because he wants to? Ok I see your point. So what are his actions telling you now that he still thinks about her that having her as a friend on FB is pretty darn important to him youd THINK hed never want you to have to see her or be reminded of her (same goes for him too) but instead he chooses to keep her hmm..interesting.

As for the name-calling, etc. That wasnt the way our marriage ever went (married 37 yrs now) as a matter of fact we were usually always respectful to each other after DDay I let loose said all kinds of sarcastic nasty things for weeks and I finally did reach the point (after reading on here) that none of that was helping. Yes it was difficult because a part of me was really enjoying ripping into him

But if I wanted to R (and I did) I knew none of that was helping so I changed the pattern. Also I had to listen to him in a calm way I had to let him finish what he was saying and if hed say something that I vehemently didnt agree with boy, it was hard to hold my tongue but I did and then Id try to stay calm and talk it out and another thing I tried was asking him questions. For instance he said to me I didnt think youd care I responded in a calm voice if you didnt think Id care..then why all the secrets and lies When it came my turn to talk Id say my piece and make him repeat back to me what he heard. Did it work every single time, no it didnt but at least we broke out of that pattern and it did help going forward.

I know this thread isnt about FB but - I would tell him how it makes me feel and then Id watch and see what he does. Dont make any demands just tell him how you feel and see what happens.


Me: BS
H had LTA with co-worker
Both mid-50s
Two sons - grown and on their own
DD - April 2010
Please note registration date is not correct. See my profile for details
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 1259 | Registered: Nov 2007
Rise And Shine
♀ Member
Member # 27513
Default  Posted: 11:25 AM, June 13th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

*T/J*.....Thank you, confused615. That was sweet. I honestly didn't make a deliberate decision to stop posting here. Life got busy and it just happened. Not sure what prompted me to return. All is well over here. I'm very happy to report that my 4th dday antiversary came and left and hardly noticed it.

I have come to accept that it is a handicap he has - he just isn't very emotionally intelligent at all.

Be very careful with that conclusion. Unless a WS has a history of an inability to maintain relationships with friends, family members or co-workers, an inability to hold a job, and or has been diagnosed with a personality disorder, low emotional intelligence isn't their issue. Lack of consequences is.


April 25, 2009

Posts: 3263 | Registered: Feb 2010
ItsaClimb
♀ Member
Member # 37107
Default  Posted: 12:14 PM, June 13th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Don't want to cause confusion, so let me explain properly what I mean re: my husbands lack of emotional intelligence.

My husband doesn't think deeply about emotional things. For example, during R there have been things I have wanted, in fact needed him to say, that he hasn't said without prompting. For example, I needed to hear the words out of his mouth "you are the only woman I want to be with for the rest of my life". For days, weeks... I waited to hear him say it. I hinted at it. I said things like "it scares me that one day I won't be enough for you and you will go off and find someone else". He simply said "Of course I won't" That wasn't what I wanted to hear... I wanted him to say that I was all he wanted from here on out. Eventually I told him... I said it out loud "I need to hear that I am the only woman you want in your life, that I am all you want and need in a woman, from here on out" He said "but you already know that!" He was quite shocked that I never felt secure in that knowledge. I had to explain to him how insecure the affair has made me, how I need him to continually remind me that he is going nowhere, that I am all he wants and needs.

Another example was the way I felt self-conscious around him in the weeks after D-Day. I HATED him seeing me naked with the lights on. He was completely BAFFLED by that. Couldn't understand why I felt that way, after all he has seen me prancing around starkers for something like 26 years!... I had to EXPLAIN it to him.

There are 100s of examples of things I need him to say and do during the R process that I would think should come naturally to him and they just don't. I have to spoon feed him a lot of this stuff.

It's not that he doesn't WANT to understand and do the things I need. He gets SO frustrated with himself. A couple of times it has literally reduced him to tears (and we are dealing with a very macho guy here!) He WISHES he would think of these things first, but he just doesn't.

He is trying hard. He is really, really working on it. I have seen HUGE improvements in the last month or so, but I know it will always be a weakness of his. Before I would get resentful of it, but now I accept (with some input from his therapist) that he just isn't "wired like that". I realise that if I want something from him emotionally it does me no good to beat around the bush, he doesn't understand that, I have to SAY it out loud.

[This message edited by ItsaClimb at 12:15 PM, June 13th (Thursday)]


BS 46
Together 29 yrs, M 25 years
2 daughters 24yo(married with a brand new little daughter) & 19yo
D-Day 18 Aug 2012
6mth EA lead to 4mth PA with CO-W. I found out 8 1/2 yrs later

Posts: 933 | Registered: Oct 2012
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 2:37 PM, June 13th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm concerned that you're being too passive, too, LTF. Your H can't read your mind, so he can't do what you want him to do unless you let him know what you want. (At the same time, if you start being direct, I have no idea how your H will respond - but at least you'll say what you mean and mean what you say, so he'll have no excuse for misunderstanding you.)

What helps my W & me is that we both take an active role in our M and in our R. For the most part, we ask for what we want from each other, and we address issues when they arise.

WRT R specifically, I set some requirements and established consequences for not satisfying the requirements.

Are you sure you want to stay married to this guy? Why - what's in it for you? If he tells himself he married you out of a sense of duty, he's telling himself he's a Victim (check out the 'Drama Triangle' on the web). He's never going to be much of an H unless he changes that attitude, and he almost definitely won't change without IC.

Are you in MC? My sense is that you're not, but a good MC could help you resolve your communications mismatch with your H.

You might also look into the 180 (see Healing Library).


fBH (me) - 70, fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 9940 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Topic Posts: 16

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