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The Book Club Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Not just friends
didiknow
♂ New Member
Member # 39410
Default  Posted: 2:20 AM, June 13th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just got it and am reading it now but I just had to stop and post about how amazing this book is so far. It's like it was written directly to me.

Honestly, it's a bit emotionally draining to read because it is causing a lot of triggers. Every page is right on the money.

Highly Recommended (so far)


Me-BH (38)
Her-WW (27)
M Aug 29, 2010
D-day May 25, 2013
A #1 June 2012
A #2 Late 2012-May 2013
No matter what "new" information you find out, it's all just part of the same iceberg, hidden under the surface.

Posts: 50 | Registered: May 2013 | From: wa
SurprisinglyOkay
♀ Member
Member # 36684
Default  Posted: 7:32 AM, June 13th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm reading it too!

Good read so far!


FWS me 36 (recovering addict)
BS him 39 AFrayedKnot
Together 7 years
2 children


"Your secrets keep you sick"


Posts: 1134 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: 221B
WeepingBuddhist
♀ Member
Member # 39139
Default  Posted: 8:46 AM, June 13th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just ordered this!


Me: BS 46
Him: unimportant
D Day:4-27-13
DIVORCED!!! 2-20-14

Posts: 562 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Columbus
nekokamisama
♂ New Member
Member # 38695
Happy  Posted: 1:43 PM, June 13th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Absolutely an awesome book! I read it twice and on the second reading made a lot of journal notes. It answered so many "why" questions for me.


Me: BS/FWH 46
Her: FWW/BS 39
OM: 32 3-month EA/PA
Married: 11 years
2 Sons: 8,20

D-Day 2004 (my EA/PA, her EA almost PA)
D-Day 2005 (her EA)
D-Day 8/28/2012 (TT her EA)
D-Day #2 7/22/2013 (more TT)
D-Day #3 7/24/2013 (Truth 2.0 EA/ PA)
In R


Posts: 13 | Registered: Mar 2013
notsosureanymore
♂ Member
Member # 18051
Default  Posted: 10:26 PM, June 20th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wonder is it too late to read this book? I am not in reconciliation. I don't plan to be. Is it geared toward staying together?

Posts: 221 | Registered: Feb 2008
Lyonesse
♀ Member
Member # 32943
Default  Posted: 12:20 PM, June 21st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The second half is geared towards rebuilding trust in the marriage. I read this a few months after D-day, when it didn't look like I would stay. I still found it helpful to understand what had happened.


Me: BS, 40's.

Posts: 1794 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: West Coast
JustAShadow
♀ Member
Member # 38370
Default  Posted: 2:39 PM, June 21st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not so sure - I don't think it's too late...at least in the sense that it can put together some a-ha moments and has good information about maintaining boundaries and what to watch out for (for your next relationship). There's also a section / chapter about going it alone and moving on.

Read it now or read it later. But highly recommended to read it. It's brilliant.

ETA: I like that it is so easy to understand and, generally speaking, a quick read. She doesn't get bogged down in 'analysis' or psycho-babble.

I read somewhere that someone said it should be required reading for newlyweds. I totally agree.

[This message edited by JustAShadow at 2:47 PM, June 21st (Friday)]


ME: 41 - Madhatter, 2 PAs, 1997, 2003
Him: 35 - Madhatter, 2 PAs, 2004, 3/2012 - 3/2014
Status: Living Apart

Posts: 200 | Registered: Feb 2013
WhatsRight
♀ Member
Member # 35417
Default  Posted: 10:41 AM, June 22nd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is it correct that this book is mostly aimed at people that cross boundaries with people they know in some way - friends, coworkers, etc?

My husband was with a prostitute. Pretty big boundary crossed, but doesn't sound applicable to my situation.

What do you think?


"Noone can make you feel inferior without your concent." Eleanor Roosevelt

I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy


Posts: 1889 | Registered: Apr 2012
notsosureanymore
♂ Member
Member # 18051
Default  Posted: 1:47 AM, June 23rd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok I am going to read it asap! thanks all!

Posts: 221 | Registered: Feb 2008
newnormal
♀ Member
Member # 21925
Default  Posted: 1:30 PM, June 23rd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Best book ever. I wish I had it before I got married. Ill probably read again before I start dating.


BS 43 (me)
FWH 48
D-day 9/07

Dont retreat, reload.
"Pull that knife out of your back - and sever the fuel line to that bus you got thrown under" Bufffalo


Posts: 1033 | Registered: Dec 2008
huRtZ413
♀ Member
Member # 39214
Default  Posted: 9:12 AM, June 25th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

would it be a good book for ONS? being there was no friends before this and it was never emotional ...just physical



me_BW
him_WH


I'M ON THE FENCE



Posts: 278 | Registered: May 2013
GonnaGetThru
♀ Member
Member # 38817
Default  Posted: 2:05 PM, July 9th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Very good book. Yes, most of it is aimed at couples R'ing but she seems to understand that for the BS the decision to do so is not an easy one. Her sections on coping with the trauma of infidelity are helpful no matter the type of affair, IMO. My FWH found it helpful for himself as well, regarding some of the why's, firming up his boundaries, etc.


BW (me): 30
WH (him): 31
Taking R one day at a time

"Every decision you make indicates what you believe you are worth."


Posts: 72 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: North Carolina
silverhopes
♀ Member
Member # 32753
Default  Posted: 1:30 PM, July 12th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm one of the rare folks that have issues with this book.

The main issues for me was, it seemed to really validate the A. Asking questions such as - what did you like about yourself in the affair? What would you like to bring back into your M? How did the way your marriage is structured contribute to your A? Or maybe it was the wording. The times the A or AP was referred to as "meaningful" or "a loss" (this one really gets me - "The involved partner has lost his or her secret love nest and faces the potential loss of marriage and family" pg 88. Other way around - the WS has *thrown away* the marriage and family) or "romantic odyssey". It contradicts a lot of what I learned here on SI because the emphasis in the book is on the dynamic of affair versus marriage. Not enough introspection on the poor boundaries a WP has. Sure, there is a great metaphor at the beginning about windows and walls. But overall the book dedicates too much to circumstances (within the M, outside the M) and not enough to the whys and lack of boundaries inside of a person. Reading this book as a BS, it can be really easy to blame yourself or to take on the bulk of the healing effort. Reading as a WS, it can be easy to try to search for -barf- positive meaning from an affair.

A good preview can be found in the Healing Library, under the Articles Section, in an article called "Shattered Vows". It's an interview with Dr. Glass.

I know this book has helped a lot of people, so please take my review with a grain of salt. Just my impressions.


Find peace. Or sleep on it.
Sometimes my monkeys, sometimes my circus.
Infidelities are like icebergs - they may take many different shapes and sizes, but they all damage your ship.

Posts: 3905 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
HardenMyHeart
♂ Member
Member # 15902
Default  Posted: 6:36 PM, July 12th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I found Not "Just Friends" by Shirley Glass to be the best of all the infidelity books I read. I read it shortly after D-day and again 10 months out to make sure R was on track.

I strongly recommend this book whether you're considering R or not.


Me: BH, Her: FWW - Long Term EA/PA
d-day: June 25, 2007
Married 30 years, Reconciled

Inner peace begins the moment you choose not to allow another person or event to control your emotions.


Posts: 5651 | Registered: Aug 2007
starstruck
♀ Member
Member # 29547
Default  Posted: 8:36 AM, July 23rd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not Just Friends is my go to book--it hurt to read it but I got insight into A's.


DDay 7/29/2010
Am hoping to reconcile!! Am I crazy or what?
If we all did the things we are capable of doing we would literally astound ourselves-Thomas Edison

Posts: 323 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: Pa
Thefly559
♂ Member
Member # 40268
Default  Posted: 5:37 PM, August 14th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not just friends was an amazing read for survival. It was really accurate all of my stbxw actions were detailed and explained. It was as if Shirley glass was next to me watching! I underlined and highlighted and took notes. Another good read is " first aid for the betrayed" by Richard Allen . I read dozens of books to try to understand after d day but these were the best by far.


"what does not kill you , makes you stronger"

Posts: 647 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nyc
StuckInHell
♀ New Member
Member # 40741
Default  Posted: 10:35 AM, September 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just started reading this book. I agree, it is emotionally draining to read, especially if you are just finding out or wondering about infidelity, like myself.


BS(Me)42
SAWH 41
Married 19 Years
2 Kids 15, 12
Status: D Day 10/20/13

Posts: 26 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Colorado
sailorgirl
♀ Member
Member # 38162
Default  Posted: 8:32 PM, September 23rd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IMO, Not Just Friends wouldn't be as helpful to a BS whose spouse had an affair with a prostitute or other stranger.

Also, the AP's portrayed in the book are stable and fairly emotionally healthy. In my experience, people who will betray their spouse are usually seriously messed-up. Personality disorders, mental illness, history of sexual abuse, history of child abuse, addictions--I see that a lot and I don't remember the book addressing those issues.

I still found NJF helpful, especially the rebuilding part. But not as helpful as SI!


Married 14 years, three amazing kids
H had 17 month EA/PA
D-day 1/5/13
Reconcilling

Posts: 787 | Registered: Jan 2013
silverhopes
♀ Member
Member # 32753
Default  Posted: 4:54 PM, September 28th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Also, the AP's portrayed in the book are stable and fairly emotionally healthy. In my experience, people who will betray their spouse are usually seriously messed-up. Personality disorders, mental illness, history of sexual abuse, history of child abuse, addictions--I see that a lot and I don't remember the book addressing those issues.

I noticed this too. I think the author tried to present the people as "normal" as possible, to show that anyone can have an affair, that it's a hurtful choice but not bad people involved. However, as a result, I don't think she went enough into the poor coping skills a wayward uses, and how an affair is one of those poor coping skills. Not enough individual responsibility and digging into the "whys", imo. While the "walls and windows" metaphor is a powerful one, not enough follow-up on boundaries. But just my impression.

I have a question for discussion/debate. Dr. Glass has this idea about the couple finding out what about himself/herself the WP liked in the affair:

A good question for the involved partner is: "What did you experience about yourself in the affair that you would like to experience in the marriage?" Perhaps the marriage can begin to foster these positive aspects of the self. In fact, the betrayed partner may have been wishing to see these qualities all along and may find it hurtful that the involved partner enjoyed them first with someone else.

Do you find this question/advice helpful? Making a positive out of a negative? Triggery? Rug-sweeping?


Find peace. Or sleep on it.
Sometimes my monkeys, sometimes my circus.
Infidelities are like icebergs - they may take many different shapes and sizes, but they all damage your ship.

Posts: 3905 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
aesir
♂ Member
Member # 17210
Default  Posted: 3:01 AM, September 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I found that question very interesting, partly because it contains the seeds of an idea regarding how people repress themselves within a marriage, either to avoid inimacy, or to protect themselves from disapproval by their partner. Also, it takes the emphasis off of the role of the AP as being so wonderful that the affair was exciting and puts the responsibility squarely on the individual for their choices.


Your mileage may vary... in accordance with the prophecy.

Do not back up. Severe tire damage.


Posts: 14924 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Winnipeg
Topic Posts: 44
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