I am discovering one unhealthy pattern after the another. And I m getting so tired of this shit.
People close to me have HUGE influence on my emotional state. I used to think that was good thing, I used to feel more connected and that I could understand their feelings.
Hmm… so I have been trying to put in a boundary where I don’t try to carry somebody else’s pain. Which in itself is tiring. Seeing CL angry/hurt all the time and not internalizing it has been huge. Its still a work in progress. Anyways I also stopped guessing whats going on in other person’s mind. This also has been a work in progress. Most of the times I tell myself “I don’t really know how he/she feels. I need to ask” and the guessing games stop.
When I dig deeper, my emotional states are triggered with his emotional states. (it goes with anybody I am close to) So if he is sad.. I am sad.. If he is angry I get depressed, if he is fine I am fine and so on. From last couple of sessions my IC has been asking me to describe how do I feel, what do I want etc. Most of the times I just go blank. How do *I* feel?? I dont know but he sad/angry and I am depressed bcz of that.
Honestly if I take people close to me out my life.. it doenst really matter. What I want or how I feel.. grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
Anyways the only way I know to get myself back to normal is by making sure CL is back to normal. That’s the reason I used to cling on him so much. Now I have stopped that. But I am still in funk till the time he isn’t back to normal. I give him space.. don’t cling but still I cant get myself back to normal if he isn’t.
Yesterday he was depressed and not talking to me at all. That made me depressed and I just couldnt get back to normal on my own. Bcz he wasnt. Finally I did push myself to cook my favorite dish. And it did make me feel better. Eventhough it took hrs for me to finally get up and start cooking. CL still was in the funk when I started cooking but by the time I was done, I enjoyed eating and CL was back to normal. SO I guess that’s a small victory.
BUT again today I am depressed as CL was in bad mood today morning. Its been 6 hrs now that I have reached office. And I just don’t feel like working. I am staring at screen doing nothing feeling depressed .. asking myself “whats the use?”. Doing things for ME feels like a foreign concept. Errrrr.. and then I push myself a bit and I get angry thinking whats wrong with me .. aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.. just a rant I guess .
My IC is not a fan of labeling things. So even after I asked her if its codependency or something else or if I should read books.. she consistently maintained that only I knew what would make me feel better.. so I should stop searching for it in books.. She insists its unfair to put that burden on CL.
Right now I am in funk and NOTHING makes me feel better .. but I am sure one hug from CL and I would be jumping with joy .. errrrr.. I need to break this pattern .. and it seems so hard.