You're doing a really good job. Sitting your DS son down while WH's still in selfish idiot land is a terrible idea.
[This message edited by Jrazz at 4:51 PM, June 13th (Thursday)]
For last year's words belong to last year's language
And next year's words await another voice.
And to make an end is to make a beginning. - T.S. Eliot
The experience I had is pretty recent but very much like you are dealing with. STBX flip flopped while he sought courage to bail on us and our marriage and then after pretending to reconcile, finally did bail.
He is unremorseful and almost resembles an idiot, for he can't fathom why he's treated differently with myself and other people.
I'm sorry for how your H is treating you and also heard those words, which still echo in my head months later. They were his struggle "to break up with me", as they say, but he was cowardly and shaken by what he had done, so it came out in words like you've heard.
What it meant was that he was done being married to me, done even knowing me, resented me and wanted out but couldn't handle not being in a relationship, so found another woman with zero standards.
I tried in vain to live with him again and learned the hard, ugly way that he was only pretending to reconcile, when he spewed those and other words at me.
What really shocked me but eventually made me face reality, was to learn the term "exit affair" and read all I could about it.
And to learn that it wasn't me...it's not you...STBX here also is SA and he was acting it out and trying to lead a double life and hide it, I think like your WH and I think there's only so long they can do it. I had to learn from OW who I think was tired of the boomeranging, which is a term used when a wayward spouse goes back and forth from spouse to other person.
I'm sorry to write such a long message and have so much empathy for you. At the time we were abandoned, I was left with a screaming, sobbing panicked child as well and let him back in 4 times. I will say that not letting your H back in until he comes to terms with things may be beneficial to your son and you, but it is a personal decision.
And I will end by saying that when he was back here or if he is at all now, it's just about unbearable to be around him, with all I know about the man...and don't.
I'm sorry for your hard time and confusion and wish you peace.
The times, they are'a changin'! -Bob Dylan
I did just email a therapist in my area that takes my insurance and while not specially certified ge did list addictions and SA as one if his prime focus areas.
The stronger you are the more he will waiver. Currently he feels in control, that all decisions are his to make and you have no say. Let him know you don't have to take his abuse, that you don't have to take him back. If he decides to come back for you, not just for your son, then YOU will decide if you will take him back especially after two affairs and his bad behavior. Don't rug sweep his bad behavior. He needs to own, be ashamed of it. He will have to do the hard work, not you. But first he has to get his head out of his ass and want to come home.
Oh, also seems like having babies is a trigger for him, first A when you were preggers, now this round just as you think he has committed to having a second child. Something messed up in his thinking.
I also would find a new therapist. You can't nice him back, you can't reason with him. He is trying to make a break for it and doing what the therapist told you only pushes him away. Don't beg. He will only respond to you if you are strong. Weak breeds loss of respect for you and encourages him to think he holds all the cards. Disabuse him of that idea.
[This message edited by momentintime at 5:40 PM, June 13th (Thursday)]
I'm sorry that you're here. Don't believe for a minute that he isn't talking to her. Believe that he got another cell phone, because its much more likely.
But yes I know there is a possibility because he is lying about everything.
Don't back down. I have BTDT. Only the SA can get himself clean. You cannot diet him, seduce him, charm him, sweet talk him into sobriety. If he comes home now, "for his son" he will make you suffer.
I caved, I cajoled, I tried it all. The only thing that changed my SAfWH was his own choice when it was clear he was going to lose his family as he knew it.
Take care of yourself and your son. I, too, see an addiction specialist who is NOT a CSAT, she's very good and has clear insight into SA.
PM me if you need to...
So I called H and let him hear our son sobbing and crying for daddy to come home. It will be the last time I do that. He got no comfort out if talking to his dad on the phone.
I am so pissed off I want to scream!!!!!
My H was a total A** in the thows of his A, and he was out of town on work a lot, his A was carried out in this other town. I quit asking him to call and tell the kids good night, because it was so unfeeling, and clearly done to appease me. It actually created less tension, and made bedtime much easier for me without it.
You need to do a HARD 180 on him, you also need keep reassuring you son that this has nothing to do with him. Daddy loves him, he is just having a hard time now. (I know how hard this is).
Keep the focus on you and your son.
Take a hard line, stop trying to be nice. Stop trying to guilt him. Trust me, when they are deep in the fog, it doesn't work. No more emotions for him. Tell him to come get his shit and find somewhere else to go. One of the perks of being married is staying in the same house as your family members. He doesn't want to be married, ok have fun paying double rent for two households.
You have to understand, your husband is for gone at this point and if he isn't remorseful (begging YOU), then this will happen over and over and over again. How much more of this can you take? Why are you doing all the work when he fucked this up? Why are you allowing him to act like a rebellious teen who has no consequences? He is acting like a child, show him how hard life gets when he makes foolish choices.
Then say fuck him and put that therapy into you and your son. Focus on life as a single mother and making a better life for both of you.
Your husband is no longer your partner. Stop treating him like he is worth your time and attention while he continues to hurt you and your son.
FUCK THAT GUY!
[This message edited by movingforward13 at 6:36 AM, June 16th (Sunday)]
"They cling to their bad choices out of shame, because it is far easier to continue to destroy yourself than to do the heavy work required to fix yourself." - a wiser SIer
I'm just not ready to throw in the towel. I just can't do it for my son. Though at this point I don't have any control of my life or what he will do.
He is still being an asshole. I'm trying to 180 but it's hard. He days he went to an SA meeting on Saturday. I told him how hard son is taking his ab sense. he said, again, he would stay in the basement but only for son, to at least be there. I just don't think I can live like that...him coming upstairs and making his meals and showering and treating me like I don't exist. And how ling would that last until he leaves for good next time?
He is still staying with friends that he works with. Don't think he's had contact with OW but I don't know. He says he will call the therapist that deals with SA issues that I gave him the number for.
He wanted to take son to movie for fathers day. I said no, we had plans. I lied. I don't want him around son. Its all too confusing. And yes im punishing H but I know eventually he will lawyer up. I'm not doing well. I sent several texts to OW yesterday. No reply from her.
I moved some of his shit down to the basement because I don't want to see it. Trying to keep busy playing with son and doing housework...Scrubbed the toilet with one of his shirts. That felt good.
My next appt with crappy therapist is on Tuesday. Seems too far away.
Your son will get back to feeling secure in the same amount of time whether Dad is home or Dad has his own home.
What will prolong the agony for your son is if Dad is coming and going out of the house.
You need to do the 180 for your son.
See a lawyer tomorrow, protect your son by getting a custody arrangement in place. Get a routine in place as fast as possible.
You should also see a lawyer to protect yourself financially. If your WH is as far gone as you fear, he may expand his self destruction in to financial territories.
H stayed with friends a few nights and supposedly slept in his car Sunday night. I asked him to sleep at home last night and he did. Though he stressed it was only for his son! And he slept in the basement.
I feel like throwing up all the time.
I want to comment on the whole "throwing in the towel" thing, though.
There's no towel. There's nothing to fight for here. He's not giving you the things to fight for - love, respect, honesty.
It's a scary dark place and I wish I could give you a hug. Try to incorporate lining up little ducks to take care of yourself as part of your 180. I know it's really hard not to show emotion, so buffering your plan by stowing money or contacting an attorney will help you get your power back.
He has to be present and remorseful for there to be something to "not give up" on. Right now the ship has holes in it and you gotta grab a life raft. He's the only one who can patch the holes and he's not even trying.
Breathe, and know we're here for you.
Most of us who have done the 180 have found it quite difficult, especially in the beginning. But with the 180 is your strength and independence from this man who is abusing you so dreadfully. Take good care, my dear.
Now is the time for YOU to define YOUR boundaries. You deserve to be treated with respect and dignity. If he can't even show you that much compassion, you really have to ask yourself why you'd want to be with him?
He is selfish and a serial cheater. Do you really want to set yourself up for further hurt down the road?
You owe yourself and your son a healthier life than being an afterthought.
I first stayed for my 3 kids. The thought of breaking up my family paralyzed me. But then I realized that I owe my 2 daughters and son a better example of what they should base their future relationships on. My daughters will not settle for being treated poorly (I pray) nor will my son treat his wife like an option (I pray). So I got tough, mad, demanding.
I know that I am gone if it happens again - if nothing more than my own sanity and my children. I never want them to view me as putting up with bs because I know I will always challenge them to expect the best from themselves. If I can't live it then I can't preach it.
I do know a marriage will not work only bc of the kids. There has to be more.
Big hug and many prayers.
Hopefully you are in IC? Ask how to best explain to your son. I know how much it hurts to see your son hurt.
Remember your husband's selfishness has put you all in this place.
H is still staying in the basement and being so very cold to me. He says he hasn't talked to OW but still wants to be with her. I hate him right now. And I hate calling her the other woman. She is a girl. For godsakes she was still in high school when we were getting engaged and buying our first home.
Anyway, IC suggested I put forth some kind of boundaries if h is in the home still. He is houesitting for someone the next 11days. I tried sitting down with him to get a schedule from him so I can know when to let son expect to ser him and I want the help in the evenings! I told him im sick of being the default parent while he runs around having a midlife crisis with lots of free babysitting from me.
I asked him if he has anywhere to stay after the housesitting gig. He said no, he hasn't asked around. I told him that I expect him to go to SA meetings on Saturday morning and to call the SA therapist I found for him if he expects to stay here. He said he will. But he will only see that therapist on his own, not with me. Why would he agree to go to the meetings and therapist if he is so checked out on this marriage??? I am so confused, sad, and pissed off!!!!! (thankful for this space to vent and process the various feedback, do thank you guys...im not sure how else I could do this day to day)