That isn't fair.
It's not a matter of who is the bad guy, it's a matter of getting to the heart of things and fixing them in himself. The label is a copout and a way to avoid his issues and getting to the real work, IMO.
ETA What was the MC's response to his statement?
[This message edited by authenticnow at 3:02 PM, June 13th (Thursday)]
D-Day, June 10, 2012
The MC replied to my WH by asking me if I use the A in arguments to win. Like the trump card. But I don't. I am still bothered by the A but I try not to bring it up if we are arguing about something unrelated.
Yes, " something to hold over". Is a much better way to word it. It's ridiculous actually because when he had the A, it made me feel so horrible about myself, that I don't have anything over anyone anymore. I lost all self esteem. He belittled me, and made me feel worthless.
WH is not in IC because he says he is cured
Ah, not so much. I think yes, when a ws is remorseful, there is, at least in the beginning, a power shift. Perhaps because they had the power of a secret, or entitlement, whatever. After, when fog lifts, I do think power shifts for a while. However, if both are working hard to make the marriage work better than before, this should work itself out.
Sorry, I think he needs more counseling, or, he is making excuses to misbehave again perhaps.
And I agree with others, it's not yours to "fix". Make IC a condition for him. You'll know when he's "cured".
"It's hard to be in love when you can't tell lies!
Like, he is the bad guy, and no matter what, he can't get to be the good guy again because he had the A.
WH is not in IC because he says he is cured, and he is only in MC because I want to go. He thinks I need the counseling so I can get over it.
Separated (3/8/2013) and in limbo.
he is only in MC because I want to go. He thinks I need the counseling so I can get over it.
I get this. He left IC 'cured', meaning that he used IC to confirm his faith in rug-sweeping and blame-shifting.
He needs IC with the goal of changing from a cheater/jerk to a great partner/great human being.
I really have no idea what your H used IC for, but he's not ready to do the work of R yet, and he won't change on his own.
Have you considered making IC a requirement for R? How about doing the 180? How about IC for you, for support while you go through this?