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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Off topic? Abuse of DD and reconciliation.
sailorgirl
♀ Member
Member # 38162
Default  Posted: 9:24 AM, June 14th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

wonderboy,

I am so sorry. I think it's completely normal for you to have trouble empathizing with your wife over her father's betrayal of trust. You can only feel so much at once and you've been dealt a really bad hand.

The parallel I see is that FIL did not do this to hurt your W. He did it because he is broken, soul-sick, disordered. Your wife did not have an affair to hurt you--she did it because she was damaged inside. I can't help but wonder if some of that damage came from her FOO.

My WH's low self worth and piss poor boundaries came from his abusive FOO and greased the slippery slope towards infidelity.

I am sure that your W had no conscious knowledge that her father was capable of this. In retrospect she may remember inappropriate things, but denial and minimization are immensely powerful when it comes to this stuff. Especially when it's a child who has to believe the best of the parent they are dependent on.

((wonderboy, W, and kids))


Married 14 years, three amazing kids
H had 17 month EA/PA
D-day 1/5/13
Reconcilling

Posts: 787 | Registered: Jan 2013
SuperDuperWonderboy
♂ Member
Member # 34716
Default  Posted: 9:57 AM, June 14th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry, but if she remembers this then how could she possibly leave your children with him?

This information came to light after everything was discovered. I don't blame my wife for this, thinking your dad acts kind of creepy around your friends is not the same as thinking that your dad would harm your children.

We are doing our best to protect our daughter at this point, get her to understand that she is safe and not to blame for anything, and that she did nothing wrong. DD has not seen a counselor yet, as we are moving next week. But it is something that will be addressed.

As far as uncovering things..yes they did a forensic search of his computer, phone, etc. Searched the house. Questioned him for hours. I haven't spoken to FIL yet, not ready to, I will hurt him.


My Friends call me Wonderboy--That's Mr. SuperduperWonderboy to you Tred.


Posts: 1272 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Everett
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 10:49 AM, June 14th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I haven't spoken to FIL yet, not ready to,

Don't! There is absolutely nothing of value to be gained.

Strength


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2546 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
MissesJai
♀ Member
Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 10:59 AM, June 14th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thank you for the updates, wb. I'm so very sorry for you, JNRPA and DD. This may have already been asked but how are YOU & JNRPA?
I haven't spoken to FIL yet, not ready to
agreed - no need. I'd say wait until there's a glass partition between the two of you.


FWW - 40
I'm big on personal responsibility. Own your shit. ALL OF IT.

Posts: 5767 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
lordhasaplan?
♂ Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 11:16 AM, June 14th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wonder boy,
I have no words. Talk about one thing after another. Stay as strong as possible. keep time for yourself and your family front and center. I wish you and yours all the prayers and well wishes I can provide. Such a horrible situation.
((((WB, DD and whole Fam)


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10)

Posts: 1860 | Registered: Nov 2010
SuperDuperWonderboy
♂ Member
Member # 34716
Default  Posted: 11:35 AM, June 14th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This may have already been asked but how are YOU & JNRPA?

JNRPA is struggling a bit with this, but she knows she has done the right thing in protecting DD and not just wishing it away. I am doing o.k.

Relationship wise, we are doing fantastic. Communication is good, we have a great weekend planned, starting off with date night tonight. Still seeing efforts to change, still honest, transparent, and very remorseful. So on that front we are good. United.

But she is struggling with the fact that her dad may be going to jail for a very long time. (I try to be empathetic, but quite frankly..he can rot there for all I care). She doesn't doubt her decision, but she is still very sad about the situation. I think she is accepting that it isn't her fault that he is going to jail, he is the one who chose to do this. Involving the police for the safety of the children is a consequence of his decisions.

So I think we are doing as well as expected. Doesn't help that the house is torn apart because we are moving in two weeks. But we keep calm and carry on.


My Friends call me Wonderboy--That's Mr. SuperduperWonderboy to you Tred.


Posts: 1272 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Everett
gonnabe2016
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 12:15 PM, June 14th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WB, I'm so sorry that this has happened to your family.

First. Huge kudos to JN for reporting her father to the police. That had to have been a very hard phone call for her to make, but she did it anyway. It is so nice to see a parent that does the right thing for their child regardless of the possible fall-out.

Second. Your relationship with JN's father is different than hers is. You don't have to deal with the parent/child connection. To you, he's the person that has harmed your DD. He is that to JN also but he is also her *daddy*. I can only imagine that she has all kinds of not-so-good and conflicted feelings about him right now. As you know, it's very hard to just turn off how you feel about a person. Is JN struggling with any type of guilty feelings because she still loves or cares about her dad along with the anger she feels towards him?

Jeez. What a mess. It's wonderful that you guys are confronting it head-on and communicating and supporting each other and your littles.

Good luck, WB.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 7692 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
cantaccept
♀ Member
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 12:26 PM, June 14th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would like to express my sorrow that this has happened to your daughter.

The good part is that she has you to protect her, let her know it is not her fault. Love her and make her feel special, priceless and irreplaceable.

I only know from my life experience. Certainly not a professional, but what I would have wished for as a child if I could go back in time.

This is a big part of why I have struggled with my life, accepted so little as being all I deserved.

Wish I could express this better to you. It is hard.

Just that my thoughts and wishes for healing for her are with you.


Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh boots5050
attempted R, it was all a lie

divorcing


Posts: 1245 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
Reality
♀ Member
Member # 39077
Default  Posted: 12:39 PM, June 14th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We have told the other extended family members. We felt that we had an obligation to do so, for the safety of all the kids. No one else thus far has come forward and said that it happened to them too. I don't know if someone will later, but it hasn't happened yet.

That was a kind and brave thing to do. Can I give you a bit of a preparatory heads up on this? You said your wife remembers her father being inappropriate with friends. She's likely not the only one to have observed this, if she has siblings. Metamorphisis said it so well with this:

There is nothing quite like sexual abuse. It's so steeped in shame that everyone in the situation jumps to denial. Our brains aren't quite equipped to process this kind of trauma and as victims we stuff it down, our loved ones don't know what to do or say and it's so much easier to deny it than deal with the pain.

There's a huge tendency to ignore, reject, and deny behavior like this in those we love. In our situation, there were serious numbers involved. How was it that it was never addressed previously? Because everyone was so intent on refusing to acknowledge it. It went on through TWO GENERATIONS because people couldn't face it. When my cousin's kindergarten teacher contacted the police after seeing her behavior and drawings strongly indicate severe sexual abuse, the choice was taken out of the family's hands and THAT'S when action began. That wasn't, however, the first time it was spoken of by the victims. No one would listen in the face of having to acknowledge reality.

THIS HAPPENS. Even when the police got involved, there was a systemic push to keep quiet and not "cause more problems." It cause rifts in sibling and cousin relationships that have never healed. Speaking out or placing blame on the perpetrator is often read as betrayal by those still in denial. BE CAREFUL OF THIS.

It is my understanding that the County attorney will be prosecuting (at least from the detective's perspective), so the FIL is looking at a minimum 10 year sentence with a max of 28 years. If convicted.

Good, good, good. Remember, unfortunately, unless your FIL has a record, he will likely be able to plea bargain that down to a much shorter sentence. First time offenders get sentenced as such. In ours, this is what happened.

Other than ensuring the safety of the kids, are there other steps we should be taking?

You are already so far ahead of the game by doing this. Your daughter is going to be very concerned with keeping things stable and calm. If the situation shows that it's painful to the adults, she'll likely minimize her own discomfort to try to "help." Don't let her parent the adults involved. Try to keep the open adult trauma separate from her. She'll have no emotional option at her age but to blame herself for it. Remember, she's also going to have trust issues. Adults + traumatic situation = not safe on a very basic unconscious level for her now. Be happy. Show her approval. It will help more than anything.

Also? The investigators and CPS and family will want her to tell what happened over and over again. Some of them will think they can demand the information at whim and in horrible detail. DON'T LET THEM DO THIS. After she tells the authorities, unless she brings it up, don't force her to go over the particulars AGAIN. It's a crappy little circular path to PTSD. And that cycle happens all the time.

All my best for your family. It will get better. Be on guard. People will try to help, but usually bring their own issues along for the ride.


Posts: 292 | Registered: Apr 2013
stilllovingher
♂ Member
Member # 29959
Default  Posted: 12:45 PM, June 14th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

jeez man,
I'm so sorry to hear about this.
Hold your little girl tight, she needs it. (I'm sure you have been)

as for the counselor's comparison, I think in the long run she was right, but right now I highly doubt that your wife is in any state of mind to make those connections meaningful.
as others have said, the focus needs to be on DD, that obviously goes for the wife too.

good luck and best wishes for you all.


The only difference between a butt kisser and a brown noser is depth perception.
I'm sure WAL would agree.

Posts: 2401 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: still BFE, but now BFE, CA
SuperDuperWonderboy
♂ Member
Member # 34716
Default  Posted: 1:16 PM, June 14th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

THIS HAPPENS. Even when the police got involved, there was a systemic push to keep quiet and not "cause more problems." It cause rifts in sibling and cousin relationships that have never healed. Speaking out or placing blame on the perpetrator is often read as betrayal by those still in denial. BE CAREFUL OF THIS.

We immediately got this from MIL. Ended up in a yelling match between her and I, not pretty. She has since changed her tune.

Surprisingly the extended family members have been supportive, and not tried to minimize or place the blame on us.

We are doing our best to show DD that she is safe and that we will always protect and believe her. The CPS here in Phoenix is actually really good. The child crimes divisions is a separate facility with tons of counselors and is set up in an incredibly kid-friendly and safe manner. I was very impressed.


Thank you all for your advice and prayers.


My Friends call me Wonderboy--That's Mr. SuperduperWonderboy to you Tred.


Posts: 1272 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Everett
Topic Posts: 31
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