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Newest Member: FeebleHercules (44938)

Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Sometimes she downplays (warning graphic)
heartache101
♀ Member
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 2:46 PM, June 14th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think we all need to see a picture of this hot skirt that means more to her then you!

Have fun shopping this weekend for that new skirt.


There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3187 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
SuperDuperWonderboy
♂ Member
Member # 34716
Default  Posted: 2:50 PM, June 14th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Buy her this one.

[This message edited by wonderboy at 2:50 PM, June 14th (Friday)]


My Friends call me Wonderboy--That's Mr. SuperduperWonderboy to you Tred.


Posts: 1272 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Everett
Rebreather
♀ Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 2:55 PM, June 14th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My IC straight up told me, "if there is anything in your house that bothers you, upsets you, get rid of it. Priceless artwork or whatever. Make it gone."

That might have been when I decided to drive my car over his blackberry.

Anywho, it's great advice. You cannot take these things back. It's lemon juice in a papercut. The more you pour in, the better is does NOT feel!!


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6442 | Registered: Jan 2011
wert
♂ Member
Member # 34478
Default  Posted: 3:09 PM, June 14th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

2m2q - I broker her phone a USB drive with a hammer, burned some of her clothes, made her gather up every little thing he gave her and smashed them. I went through her closet and drawers and got rid of things that just made me think of it.

She resisted on the first item. I gave her a choice, she can go or the things can. She had lots of chance to leave.

IMO you give your W way too much input. One of the most interesting things my first IC told me about my W's A was that I had the power in the relationship if I just took it. She said, "Wert, you don't realize it now, but if she doesn't want to end it with you, you have an awful lot of power right now."

take care...

It Friday and I need a beer.



Posts: 1428 | Registered: Jan 2012
2cooldaughters
♂ Member
Member # 19408
Default  Posted: 3:11 PM, June 14th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It may be because I'm way on the other side (5 years) and my staying around is for the kids only, but, do you not see that she is more concerned with herself (downplaying the sex that probably did happen, re-claiming the skirt for herself, etc.) than she is for you?

Are you willing to disregard your own feelings for her? Do you love her that much? If you do, then you are a hero. If not, you should love yourself enough to draw the line, get some answers, and define her level of remorse and commitment to the "new" marriage.

Sorry bud, it stings I know...I was in your shoes for a long time.


Posts: 68 | Registered: May 2008
wert
♂ Member
Member # 34478
Default  Posted: 3:11 PM, June 14th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

t/j - wonderboy - that is awesome.



Posts: 1428 | Registered: Jan 2012
gonnabe2016
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 12:32 PM, June 15th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@wonderboy's suggestion....


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8005 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
2married2quit
♂ Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 9:36 AM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

UPDATE:

She said NO. I grabbed several articles of clothing that I wanted out and she refused. Admitted that she doesn't feel anything for me.

So...I can't kick her out because of finances so it's HARD CORE 180!!! and R is interrupted and on hold. I am worth more than that shit.

There's other deep rooted issues that if you knew, it would make sense for her reaction, BUT she HAS to learn the value of people especially her loving husband who was willing to forgive her and take her in.


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1335 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
Kelany
♀ Member
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 9:45 AM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Then she isn't worth it. If clothing is more important to her, if she has no feelings for you, then let her go. You're worth so much more.

FWIW, I didn't give my FWH a choice. I burned his clothes in the driveway. I smashed a watch his LTA gave him and sent it back to her.


BS - Me
SA/FWH Him
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking


Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
Rebreather
♀ Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 12:05 PM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Admitted that she doesn't feel anything for me.

This seems to be her go-to phrase here.

Your wife has just told you that a skirt is more important than you. 180 is certainly the right choice, and frankly, even though we are in R forum, I think a lawyer is in order. You are worth so much more than the continued crumbs.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6442 | Registered: Jan 2011
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 12:16 PM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Very sorry, 2m2q. I can't imagine how tough it is to have a WS go into and out of remorse willy nilly.

[This message edited by sisoon at 12:17 PM, June 17th (Monday)]


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10075 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 12:19 PM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so sorry 2m2q. Is there a friend you can stay with?


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2287 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 12:40 PM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

2M2Q - She is manipulating you, and clearly has you convinced that you are "overreacting" to everything that was clear from the first post on this thread.
I understand about being financially strapped and that you two can't afford a D, but Have YOU, gone to a lawyer, and really found this out? Many many many people take whatever crap is handed to them because they believe they can't afford the out. In fact it simply isn't true.

What she is doing to you is crazymaking, and abusive. Stop her. Wert is right. You have the power, so take it. Make your demands for what YOU need for R. If she wants to comply great if not send her away. She is not doing any of the real work of R. She is not remorseful for what she did, rather she is sorry for getting caught.

I too feel you haven't gotten the whole truth as to what she did and didn't do. Have you continued to check up on her, snoop? This behavior has GIANT red flags waving all over the place.

YOU are right, YOU deserve much more, more respect, more love, and more honesty. You can't force her to give it to you, but you can choose to not accept the crumbs she is leaving you.

I'm sorry if this is harsh, I know how bad it hurts. It just makes me angry for you.

((((and strength))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8506 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 1:26 PM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

...and R is interrupted and on hold.

2m2q,

Sadly, you and your WW were never in R.

Since you phrased it "on hold" and this is the R forum, what would it take for you and your WW to be in R and working on the M as opposed to not divorcing?

A common requirement for R is remorse. This means the WS owns her A-related crap, and is genuinely sorry for how they behaved, and wishes to make amends however she can. This is much more than simply blocking the OM out of her mind (that is what we call rug-sweeping).

The WS and BS both have feelings for each other AND respect for each other.

BUT she HAS to learn the value of people especially her loving husband who was willing to forgive her and take her in.

Gently, no she doesn't.

It would be nice if she did, it should be a requirement for R that she does, but she does not have to. There are people who never address their issues and they make it through life (maybe not well) and die with thier personal demons well intact.

There's other deep rooted issues that if you knew, it would make sense for her reaction,...

Then sustained work on these DRIs ought to be another requirement for R.

She has played the game of Remorse On - Remorse Off depending on how it suits her. I suggest that you be very supicious of any future reversal to Remorse On until it has been sustained and clearly is about her working to fix the M and help you heal regardless of your response.

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 1:27 PM, June 17th (Monday)]


FBS 54
Separated and Divorcing

Posts: 4130 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
Topic Posts: 34
Pages: 1 · 2

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