I don't know if I would have done it but it is the first thing I thought of.
2 Ddays and lots of TT
Scars remind us where we've been. They don't have to dictate where we're going. (Criminal Minds)
I saw him, I could not unsee him. -StrongButBroken
He wants to know what I will do while he is gone.
was fishing for, a reassurance that you won't want change. What foolishness on his part. Tell him you can't make any promises about what you'll do, or how you will feel if he wants to come back. After all, you have no guarantee he will come back. Also, he may have something lined up and if it works out, well, you understand...he just had to do it, to find his happiness.
FTG! Don't try to reassure him, don't promise him anything, after all he is the one walking out. Be strong, you can't nice him into changing his mind. Let him worry about what he is risking and what he could lose. Don't be a doormat for him.
Your first instinct is to beg him to stay. Don't. Get to a lawyer, get your ducks in a row. Protect your assets. Start to live a life, YOUR life. Do this with no regard to what he is doing, he's not thinking of you, he's not thinking at all, come to think of it...
This isn't easy, it's heartbreaking, it's devastating. But it's reality. Right now he wants his cake and eat it, too. You have no control over him. But you can control what you do.
Make a life for yourself without him. He may come crawling back, and then, well, you can decide if you want to let him.
Many hugs to you. I truly know how hard this is, I have BTDT. Don't allow him to further abuse you. You are the prize, and he doesn't realize it.
I guarantee you he will not be alone for that six months.
After 12 years of M, I went through this on a much smaller scale. My WH was only gone for a week with his whore. He wanted to know what I would do while he was gone, too. I didn't answer that question. But when he left, I stood behind his van as he got into it and I copied his license plate number. He wondered all week if a PI was watching him.
The other posters are right - Begging him to stay is the fastest way to chase him away. I know it's so hard to do, but calmly tell him, "Oh, begin my new life, file for D, look up old flames, take your pick."
Of course, looking up old flames is a very very bad idea, but it might do him some good to wonder.
Walk a Mile In My Shoes
Married 14 yrs. Now Separated & in NC
2 grown DD's - his from previous M
4 grown kids (2DS, 2DD) mine from previous M
In an ideal world, wouldn't it be great to say, after he said "I'm not sure it's the right thing", to have said "oh no, you have to go, I've made arrangements and plans all ready." He would leave, but WOW would you ever have his head spinning! Bet you it would drive him CRAZY!!
But that's not reality, because chances are you want to kick, scream, ugly face cry, etc..etc..(I'm there with you!) All I can say, from experience and I know you don't see it but take it from someone who has been there (and is still there for years and years and years), that the best thing he could ever do for you is leave for 6 months and never come back. I know it's not what you want to do/hear, but it is not fun to wonder like you are right now if he's "taking a drive" to text his _______ (insert whatever word you want here cause I've got a few of them pouring out of my mouth right now!)
Try and be strong and tell him he needs to go...It's the only way to either work this out or be done with it for good.
You will get lots of support here - it has been a godsend for me too.
I am so sorry for what you are going through right now, it all feels so surreal doesn't it?
When you said,
It really sickens me that I have to talk to him in this way, but I no longer know him!!
that struck a chord with me. I've sat in front of my WH and said to him, "I don't know you."
It doesn't sound like he is taking any responsibility for his actions and doesn't deserve you. I recommend you think about yourself. It's never too late to learn something new for yourself. Maybe something you've always wanted to do but put off because of general living, getting on with 'stuff'.
You need to take care or you - I believe it can help you to feel better and, as for him, let him know what you need for recovery, no debating and if he can't deliver you must cut him out of your life. Sorry - it sounds so easy to say but I know it won't be so in actuality.
Take good care of yourself.
Are you ok with your husband taking a sabbatical from the M?
Are you ok with sharing him?
Will you be able to live with him when he gets back and doesn't want to reveal what he's done?
Likely he won't feel there's an A (or string of As) to recover from as you gave him "permission". Are you ok with potentially living the rest of your M with this time and his actions but not dealing with it?
Are you prepared for the potential STDs he might bring home?
Are you prepared to give him permission, wait faithfully, then have him decide easy women off of Craigslist is a better deal than having to become a faithful husband?
If the answer to any of these questions is no, then you need to steel yourself to tell him, "You're either in the M or out of it. If you leave, I will file for divorce."
Something to think about: he seems to expect you to remain faithful while he plays the tomcat with who knows how many women. Also, he's expecting you to keep a secret within the M while he's running outside of the M. He has made this all about him and is showing no concern for you. Your best bet at a wake up call is D. Even if he doesn't wake up before he does this horrible thing (and I find it atrocious, callous, selfish, cruel...) then you are at least protecting yourself. Like you said, your husband is gone. In his place is an alien wearing his skin and that is who you would be D.
❣Your soulmate is the person who helps grow your soul into a better being rather than tearing it down❣
If you agree to a separation, he will see it as unspoken permission to whore around. Because, hey, we're "separated".
Tell him what is unacceptable in your marriage and back up those boundaries. Anything less is disrespectful to you and the marriage.
Be strong (at least when he sees you). Cry in private all the time.
Also, don't keep his secrets. If he's ashamed of his actions, then he shouldn't be doing tose things.
I started doing the 180 (before I knew what the 180 was- Healing Library > BS FAQs > #11). I emotionally distanced from him. I consulted a lawyer. Then I could finally tell him, "I deserve better than this. I'm ready for a D."
A WS may talk about D, but usually it's an entirely different reality for them when the BS decides enough is enough and moves towards D.
Do they wake up, remove their heads from their tailpipes every time? Become the people we M? Not always. But by that time we've managed to emotionally detach. To accept that we can't love them back to the M. To believe we deserve better treatment. To know that sometimes love means you refuse to let someone wallow in their destructive behavior.
We have all been that desperate BS, clinging to the spouse we knew, the M we thought we had. We're not telling you what you're feeling is wrong. We're just trying to share how to move through this a little faster, hopefully with less pain. So you can get to a place of strength and hope- with or without your WH.
ETA- ditto Williesmom.
If you can't talk D, then be sure to mention that since he regards this S as a chance to sleep around, you will consider yourself bound by the same rules he is. Let him wonder just like you will be.
I would recommend that you use this time (if you accept it in your M) to go NC with him. Do not be a wife to him in any way. Let him take care of his food, clothes, finances, appointments and so on.
I am so sorry that the man you love is disrespecting you like this.
[This message edited by Holly-Isis at 7:44 AM, June 14th (Friday)]
Welcome. I am glad you found us. Have you been to a lawyer? I know in my case I was terrified of the unknown and wondering how i would survive if I divorced.
Come to find out, long term marriages have special protection in many states, and my situation was not dire at all, financially speaking.
It was really scary to go, but empowering at the same time. Please consider going in for a consult. Side benefit is, any lawyer you speak with he cannot use.
Also, do stop being his wife. He just fired you from that. he can take care of his needs all by himself. He can cook, he can clean, and he can share his troubles with all those people he finds so attractive. 180 him.
[This message edited by Chrysalis123 at 7:56 AM, June 14th (Friday)]
Don’t get to the end of your life and find that you lived only the length of it; live the width of it as well.
He is an idiot, and there simply is no talking to an idiot with fake 'lurvvee' hormones surging thru his veins.
Is there anyway you can take a little time off from work to get your ducks in a row?
But what do I do with this rage???
1) see a lawyer, or several, find out what your rights are. If you live in a 'fault' state you will need proof of his adultery. So now is the time to get the goods on him. A lawyer will advise you about hiring a PI.
2) see your doctor for a little something to take the edge off and get tested for STD's
3) start gathering and copying all financial records, store copies in a safe place
4) join a gym, or starting going for a walk everyday
5) drink lots of water, stay hydrated, pack small healthy snacks to keep with you at work if you start feeling sick
6)start keeping a journal or calendar to keep track of what is going on with him...(later on, you may need this because you will be confused and have terrible recall of events while you are highly emotional)
7) get a VAR, and record all conversations with him
8) keep a close eye on all his financial transactions online or otherwise. Be prepared to close accounts or shut things down if large sums of money start to disappear
9) try to go do something for yourself that might bring you a tad of joy
10) remember you are not alone, and you will always have us here to talk to.
Stay strong sweetie.
My number ONE rule in life is to never go where I'm not welcome. I've always stuck to that rule and yes, it's very pride-based.
But it's served me well, and can hopefully serve you well, too.
He wants to go?
But don't hold the door open, providing him with a safe place to land.
The day he walks out the door is the day you should CLOSE it. For your own sanity and emotional health.
Don't let him bleed you once he leaves. But let him go.