I am so sorry. What a kick to the gut!
I think it's a good sign that you are already feeling rage. (Sometimes, the anger doesn't come until around 6 months.)
When the rage washes over you, soak it up! Let it chase away the sadness. There will be time to grieve after he leaves. Anger will make you strong and help you demand respect.
Try to think of what you would tell your daughter if her husband was acting like this. Or a close friend.
Heck, blackmail him.
"I need X amount of money to do what I need to do while you're gone. If I don't get it from you, I will have to talk to So-n-so about how to work my finances and why."
Odds are, he's been taking marital funds to pay for these flings, if only for memberships to use for seeking these women out. You might as well have some to use for your sanity and safety.
And don't be embarrassed to see your doctor if you need something more. We BS's are at risk for depression, panic attacks, PTSD... It would be a great idea to line up some therapy so you have someone to talk to IRL especially if you feel you don't want to confide in friends. This is likely the hardest thing you've been through, (I know it has been for me: M 30 yrs.).
eta to shorten it and remove redundancy when I realized this was cross-posted -- And that you are already strapped for money. Adds a whole new dimension - so he thinks you are trapped, dependent, not just waiting...
Do you have joint credit cards? Put all groceries etc on those and use the cash saved for the atty.
And apply for a CC now! One in your name only but using the marital income. I was a SAHM - it was the first thing I did!
When you are going through hell - Keep going! (Churchill)
[This message edited by Take2 at 9:07 AM, June 14th (Friday)]
My lawyer advised me to charge his retainer on our joint credit card. That allowed me to get the ball rolling and showed X I meant business.
You could charge the consult fee, just saying.....
I am sorry that you don't have the luxury of taking a day or tow for yourself. I didn't either when everything went down, and quite honestly it was probably good that I couldn't. It forced me to look at my life, and if I was happy with everything else, my job, my kids etc. I als was able to force myself to not think on the A every second, which allowed me to gain some perspective.
Call local women's shelters if you truly don't have any funds to see an attorney. Get to one as soon as you can. This will help you more than you know. If you have joint accounts then take half of what is in them and open your own. If he looses his shit, tell him that you need some certainty while he is trying to figure out what he wants. You are entitled to this money.
If you are working for a larger company find out if they have an EAP (employee assistance program). If so contact them, and see if they can help you through this. Also call your Dr and get something to help with the anxiety, and get STD tested. Don't be worried or ashamed Dr's see this stuff day in and day out. You won't be judged.
The last thing I would tell him that if he really goes through with leaving then he best plan not to return. He sould not be questioning what he wants, he gave that right up when he took his vows.
You sound very intelligent and together. Not like the bat shit crazy wimp I was when I found out my WH had an A. Keep up the good work and listen to the advice you get here. These people are the experts.
The first thing that came to my mind when you said he wanted to know what you would do was travel through Europe.
When I experienced rage, I cleaned the house like a fanatic. It helped to offset the other times when I could hardly do anything.
I would not hide his reason for leaving, I would shine the light of day on it to anyone who is interested.
Maybe it will help to think that there is a next chapter to your life, an unexpected one, but a happier one? I hope so at least. Take care.
He leaned over and whispered "don't worry, this matter is between us only...I'm just telling him I'm going away to find work elsewhere...he doesn't need to know our personal business:" OH REALLY????
Why should you do him any favors and keep his dirty little secrets? Seriously?
Make it clear to him that he can stay if he is remorseful and is completely transparent. But if he leaves, you are done.
It is VERY, VERY, VERY important that you see a lawyer TOMORROW. You are equally responsible for any debt he may be incurring and it is quite possible he is spending money he doesn't have on these "friends". Why else would so many want to be his special "friend"?
Protect yourself financially. Protect your daughter who is still at home with you.
He is a liar and a sneak right now. Do not trust him with your financial security.
(((timeless))) my heart aches for you right now.
So I can relate to where you are coming from. I'm going to give you advice I wish I had taken myself.
Your first instinct is to beg him to stay. Don't. Get to a lawyer, get your ducks in a row. Protect your assets. Start to live a life, YOUR life. Do this with no regard to what he is doing, he's not thinking of you, he's not thinking at all, come to think of it...
This isn't easy, it's heartbreaking, it's devastating. But it's reality. Right now he wants his cake and eat it, too. You have no control over him. But you can control what you do.
35 years of marriage when my xh began sexting with a bimbo he met playing online poker. He was so 'in luv' with her that 3 weeks into the sexting, he asked her to marry him - in an email, no less, because "God guided my fingers to write that to you." Un-huh; I don't think it was God guiding his fingers, I think it was that thing between his legs.... Anyway.... It's like an alien invasion. You no longer have a clue who this man has become. In retrospect, I was way too understanding and put up with waaaayyyyy too much, thinking he would come to his senses. He didn't. I finally had had enough of the lies and all the other damage he created so he could be 'happy.' I went to the bank then I went to an attorney. If I had it to do over? I would have told him to leave immediately. You want life without me? You're going to get it. Enjoy. And I would have been DONE. lt would have saved a whole lot of hurt for me and for our daughters, as well. Oh - and he wants to keep this between you and him ? No way. Tell anyone who asks. Do not protect him. "You did it. You can own it." I told my wxh I would not lie to anyone who asked. And I didn't. He learned he had very few friends. VERY few.
Do yourself a favor. Open an acct in your name only if you already don't have one. Instead of taking half, take more.... you're going to need it because he will be spending it on his good time if you don't. Copy and go through your bank statements, your cc statements, phone usage statements, etc., determine what he has spent on his 'hobby.' You will need it in court.
And the best thing you can do for YOU ???? Tell him he's now on is own. And start going into self-preservation mode. Do what you need to do to protect yourself financially and otherwise.
Sending you hugs. Sadly, you are not alone in this situation. It stinks. But you will wade through his mud and you will survive, probably better than he will.
I wish you would protect yourself with talking to a lawyer. Maybe get an official separation before he leaves with spousal support. Make sure all assets, retirement etc are known so he can't spend away your assets. Also, any bills he makes while away for loans or credit cards will be his if you divorce and not half yours. You don't want to end up paying for loans he uses to set up his little love nest or a future marital home with some one else since it sounds like he wants to try some one else. There was a thread a while back about how much Wandering spouses spent on the affair partners. Some were cheap, but some spent in the 6 figure amounts. Protect yourself.
[This message edited by purplebreeze at 2:09 AM, June 15th (Saturday)]
Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it.
The nerve of him to expect you to be his co-conspirator and help him keep his disgusting little side pieces a secret! Why in hell should you protect his reputation when he has shown you such distain and total disregard for your feelings? You have NOTHING to be ashamed of.
What he wants is 6 months to chase ass and see if the grass is greener, while you remain the loyal wife at home. Don't give him any indication that he can expect that. Do not be his wife, his friend, his confidante, his soft place to fall.
I totally get not wanting to set off the gossip queens, but sometimes a dose of cold hard consequences really wakes them up. I would be telling everyone from here to China (but that is me, I am kind of an open book).
Right now, I want you to know that the pain WILL diminish. It will be a roller coaster, but you are clearly a cool headed person, as your behaviour towards him thus far shows. You will find yourself again, be able to function, be productive, laugh, have fun. Once the shock wears off and he has been gone awhile, you might even find that life is much, much better without him.
Think only about YOU right now. Take care of yourself, your needs, do things that you used to like, even if you don't feel like anything can give you pleasure at the moment.
He shit the bed, let him lie in it. Let him wallow in his consequences. Don't let him hang around while he decides to leave or not--throw him out. Take back your power!
Keep posting...we are here from you. SI saved me from lying on the floor attached to WH's ankles as he tried to drag himself out the door to be with his OW. It was only after I booted him out that he pulled his head out of his rear end. Hard as it may be, please listen to the veterans around here. They know the cheater's handbook inside and out.
Got on his cell last night (wish I hadn't...3 of them....researched one and she is by NO means a "person in pain" who shares her needs. She's a very successful professional woman with awards and exciting life style who loves "bedroom games".
Don't enable him by keeping his dirty little secret, also I've seen these so called professional women before. Typically these women have put everything into their careers, sacrificing marriage prospects and family for a job.
By the time they reach their mid thirties-early forties there are no eligible men around to wife them. These women end up as lonely old hags.
If she's latching on to a married man she doesn't sound very successful, quite the opposite settling for a wet rump and no commitment.
Kick his ass to the curb and no contact. He assumes you are happy to keep it for him while he goes and play.
No, get a makeover and change your look. Don't let his tired ass take you for granted!