We just have to weed through it. It sucks.
Have you asked him to write everything out? Everything, no matter what. It may help to have it all up front. Things still come up, but I found that after I had most of it, all at once, I was better able to handle things that he remembered and told me after. Sometimes, things just pop up, but he promised to tell me, and he does.
But, his most shameful things, I know.
I think if he didn't, we wouldn't have made it this far. This is the longest road we'll ever be on, but we both want it. I hope you are on the same road. It will ease, but only if he gives you what you are asking for and need to heal. He just has to suck it up, realize it and take the risk with you. Total honesty.
In R since shortly after DD.
Discovered what was right in front of him and nearly lost.
Always, tell the other BS! Always!
"It's hard to be in love when you can't tell lies"!