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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men - Part 11
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 8:30 AM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DidIknow,

Strength brother. Hopefully serving her will be the wakeup call she needs. If not, then she isn't worth waking up.


Married: 16 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3287 | Registered: Dec 2011
thinkingclear
♂ Member
Member # 38884
Default  Posted: 8:46 AM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am triggering bad today. Hard to focus and just trying to get through the day which has only just begun.

This time last year after what I thought was a fabulous Father's Day weekend, WW was texting and emailing POSOM her "unfailing love for him". We had run in a Tough Mudder on the previous Saturday, we had a great dinner out with our folks for Father's Day, sex three times if I remember correctly and it was all a facade. False R. She broke NC and texted him today last year: "I love you, love you and love you. By the way did I mention that I love you?"

She has put on a great 'display' of love this past week, but it still is just a facade. I'm being a chump because we are going down to Grand Cayman on Wednesday until Sunday. I need some time away. It will be easier on me if she is there. Less to worry about. I can't wait to get some diving in, but it is hard to not wish I was going to be spending time with someone that actually gave a damn about me.

Sorry to rant. Just having a bad day.

[This message edited by thinkingclear at 9:07 AM, June 17th (Monday)]


BS - Me
WW - Her
10 month EA/PA

Posts: 211 | Registered: Apr 2013
ssi0318
♂ New Member
Member # 39225
Default  Posted: 9:38 AM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I actually went ahead and filed for D on Thursday, I still have to serve the papers, so most of me knows that this thing is over and only a complete turn around in her behavior would change that. There's nothing I could say to her that would make a difference.

Didiknow - I'm right there with you. I sent the signed papers in on Thursday last week as well. Just waiting to get them back in the first half of this week so I can give them to my WW. Straw for me (besides the complete and utter lack of remorse outside of 1 crying jag) was seeing her texting ANOTHER guy, who she seems to be grooming to be her next guy. Keep me posted on how things go for you.


Me-BS
Her-WW - probable NPD
M 11 years, T 14 years
3 kids, all under 10
DDay 3/18/13
I'm not happy - Nov-12

Posts: 32 | Registered: May 2013
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 9:43 AM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thinking,

Why do you think it is just a facade? I ask because the infidelity really blows away our concept of authentic. I used to believe everything my wife said, especially during her A. Now, I question everything even though I believe she is being authentic. The infidelity tips our equilibrium to "question everything". It sucks, but I hope it gets better in time.


Married: 16 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3287 | Registered: Dec 2011
thinkingclear
♂ Member
Member # 38884
Default  Posted: 10:08 AM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

didiknow and ssi0318 - Sorry you guys are at this stage, but it sounds like you both have a sense of peace about your decisions. Strength to both of you.
Why do you think it is just a facade? I ask because the infidelity really blows away our concept of authentic. I used to believe everything my wife said, especially during her A. Now, I question everything even though I believe she is being authentic. The infidelity tips our equilibrium to "question everything". It sucks, but I hope it gets better in time.

Excellent question Tred. To be fair, if you would ask my wife she would tell you that she is working as hard as she can. It goes along with a lot of the discussions we've been having lately regarding what is enough, remorse, etc.

As I've pealed back the layers of myself, my WW and our marriage it has become clear to me that she has never learned to have a healthy and emotionally intimate relationship. She, as far as I know, is in NC with the OM and is 'committed' to the M. It is just she has reverted back to what she knows: make sure my needs are met, 'put on a good performance' and grin and bear it because no one is every truly happy or trustworthy.

She woke me up this morning telling me about a nightmare she just had about me 'finally admitting that I had slept with a coworker'. No truth to it all. I even asked her if I was doing anything to make her feel concerned and her answer was "No. It's just me." It is complete projection and she has been doing it our whole marriage, I just never recognized it as such and just assumed that if I reassured her enough that her fears would go away. They don't because it is a symptom of deeper issues that need to be addressed. I had a long discussion with our MC last week. I made sure that he understands and agrees with my analysis of the situation. I think he can help us, but he said that she is just doing what she was taught to do. She doesn't know any other way and it will take a long time to relearn.

I just know that she 'isn't safe' yet. She doesn't take responsibility for her actions. Fear and pride are preventing her from discovering the truth. She still blame shifts. She wants to believe she had an A because our marriage sucked and now we just have to fix the M. No introspection and no need to fix herself because it was me and our M that was to blame.

This is the example her dad provided. He accepted back her wayward mother and went on as if nothing happened. She wants to rug sweep as well but I won't let her. This makes me the bad guy because I'm not able to 'get over it' or 'forgive her'.

I think I have a plan, with the help of the MC, to try to uncover and challenge her 'beliefs' because no one else in her life does. Her family and friends reinforce her 'version' of the A. They don't condone her A, but feel as if 'mistakes happen' and 'forgiveness is expected'. (Side Note - It was nauseating seeing all of her cards for Mother's Day from her family telling her how wonderful a mom she was. Really?)

In any event, I know I need her to realize the errors of her ways. I know what true R looks like for me. It is just a matter of whether she can 'relearn' how to have a real relationship and me being patient to see if it can actually happen.

Sometimes I'm strong and sometimes I'm weak. Today I'm feeling weak.

[This message edited by thinkingclear at 10:32 AM, June 17th (Monday)]


BS - Me
WW - Her
10 month EA/PA

Posts: 211 | Registered: Apr 2013
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 10:28 AM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thinking,

Sounds like you know your wife. Mine was like that for a long time after DDay. I'm not sure what finally woke her up, I know she got a lot out of the book "Emotional Infidelity" by Neuman. I think reading on SI helped also. Plus some of the real life causalities that were directly related to her A finally hit home. One thing I never did was take blame for the A - never. If our M sucked that bad, if I was such a loser that she needed to go out and blow strangers to make herself feel good, she could of divorced me. End of fucking story. Until they realize that, and really see the magnitude of what an A does to someone who values loyalty and fidelity, they won't show remorse, just regret. Just like for some an A is always a dealbreaker, there are those who don't understand that an A is always 100% on them. You are still early from your DDay - I put up with a year of TT. I was weak too - I allowed myself to be shit on time after time. By the time my wife finally came around, I was broken. I should have walked at the first lie. Live and learn. But the point is there is a lot of anecdotal evidence on this site that sticking it out eventually works for the right couples. The caveat is that it doesn't always work, and people throw away five more years of their life, or spend eternity in limbo. There are no guarantees your wife will ever come around, or not cheat on you again. I guess like anything else is the risk / reward calculus. If my wife wasn't the woman that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, I wouldn't be risking trying to R with her. It's that simple - my first wife cheated on me. I divorced her ass and was indifferent to her by the time the ink dried on the papers. For now, I just keep my focus on the 2-5 years to heal. If at five years I'm not better, I'm sure that I'll re-evaluate my situation. Life will be in a different place by then, options will be different. But I will always let myself know that if the A ended our marriage, I put in all I could to repair what she destroyed. If she doesn't do the work to repair herself and us, I walk with a clean conscience. Plus, a much hotter body than I used to have. I won't lose any more.


Married: 16 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3287 | Registered: Dec 2011
slater13
♂ Member
Member # 39008
Default  Posted: 11:05 AM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Having a horrible day, and Father's Day. My WW is at a conference for work and POSER is most likely there. She had to leave early Sunday morning. Just sucks. Then last night we had a talk and for the first time she opened up and started telling me more. We have been working with our MC for her to open up. I asked for a detailed timeline about a month ago and got a list of cities and months. That was it. It was a 3 yr LTA so there is so much to tell.

So last night I asked about the second night. Personally, I can almost forgive a drunken ONS, maybe I say that because it would be a preferable option. So I am curious about the second night, about a month after the first. Here she knew where the night was headed and made a decision to be a filanderer.

She gave me the "I thought our M was over" BS. I kinda took it in, then reading here this morning realized what BS that is. She kept coming home. Kept going to MC (I knew things were bad so we were in MC, where she continued to lie and gaslight). She didn't think the M was over, she just wanted to cake eat. She needed someone to man the fort at home so she could go out and get off. So I just texted her, saying that pretty much.

17 months out and I am still an idiot. Starting to really wonder why I am in R. It's like the song "Black" by Pearl Jam,

And now my bitter hands cradle broken glass of what was everything
All the pictures have all been washed in black, tattooed everything...

All the love gone bad turned my world to black
Tattooed all I see, all that I am, all I'll be... yeah...

[This message edited by slater13 at 11:11 AM, June 17th (Monday)]


The choices we make reveal the true nature of our character

Posts: 153 | Registered: Apr 2013
thinkingclear
♂ Member
Member # 38884
Default  Posted: 11:06 AM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Tred. I agree and feel the same way about almost everything. Our D-days aren't that far off, at least not our initial D-days. My WW has broken NC 4 different times over the last 18 months so I guess my real new D-day is 2/5/13 as that is the last day that I am aware of that they talked.

Her support system has hindered our recovery in a big way. For example, after the latest breach of NC my MIL asked me if I should find out why she talked to OM before I got mad about it? What?!? She told me I was trading one worry for another. I promptly told her that there is NEVER an acceptable reason to talk, text, e-mail, Facebook him EVER again. Period. End of story. She wasn't convinced and neither was my wife. I was 'over-reacting'. My wife told me he was only asking her for her opinion on a recent MRI of his back (which is what I do). I protested but it fell on deaf ears. It was clear to me that he was fishing and just making sure my WW knew he was Ďstill there for herí if things didnít work out. It wasnít until our recent MC session that she was told, except by me, that breaking NC was detrimental to our M (you think?)

I wish I could say that she is whom I want to spend the rest of my life with. I'm numb to her at this point. She has a lot of work to do to change my mind. I finally know what it is I want and expect from her. I couldn't do that before February. At the time I was just trying to avoid feeling at all. I was helping her rug sweep. I have never taken any blame for her A, but she has never changed her opinion either. We kind of just agree to disagree.

[This message edited by thinkingclear at 11:10 AM, June 17th (Monday)]


BS - Me
WW - Her
10 month EA/PA

Posts: 211 | Registered: Apr 2013
thinkingclear
♂ Member
Member # 38884
Default  Posted: 11:12 AM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Slater13
17 months out and I am still an idiot. Starting to really wonder why I am in R

Right there with you brother.


BS - Me
WW - Her
10 month EA/PA

Posts: 211 | Registered: Apr 2013
Betrayed444
♂ Member
Member # 38389
Default  Posted: 11:22 AM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Right on Tred!

TC
The thing is that our WW's lied to us so well for so long it's like "who the fuck are they"
I don't know what is legit and what isn't. They think the got one over on us but its worse, they used our love as concealment. I never wanted a reason to doubt her and she took advantage me. I remember when the stranger reared her ugly head. I said to myself " she just smooth flat out lied to my face and never blinked"
Out of everything that hit home. She was a stranger. Like an enemy.
Didn't bat an eyelash.
That is why things like truth and remorse are Important. I want her to purge that beast right out. As long as she holds those secrets she is still that animal. By holding back the truth she is still playing the game. She's not real. She's hurting me and my kids. And she is still capable in the fact that lies are a continuance of betrayal.


Posts: 494 | Registered: Feb 2013
Betrayed444
♂ Member
Member # 38389
Default  Posted: 11:28 AM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Guess we're all having a bad day
8:30 am there's a knock on my door.
Gentlemen from one of my WW's secret credit card companies that I discovered last June, you know... When she wanted privacy and left us for a week, wanted to serve her a subpoena. They are suing her for 8 grand.
What a mess.

Posts: 494 | Registered: Feb 2013
thinkingclear
♂ Member
Member # 38884
Default  Posted: 11:43 AM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

B444
Never stops does it?

I think we need a new slogan: maybe ... wayward wives, the gift that keeps on giving. Or maybe on a positive note ... a faithful wife, priceless.

I'm having a rough day and WW is oblivious. She just text me:

Love u bunches can't wait until Wednesday

I bet she can't. No kids. Long weekend at the Ritz. But she has to spend it with me. Feel sorry for her, don't you?


BS - Me
WW - Her
10 month EA/PA

Posts: 211 | Registered: Apr 2013
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 11:49 AM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

STD Testing: $300
New Clothes and replacing sullied articles: $10000
Psychiatric treatment for PTSD: $Arm and a leg

A faithful wife: Priceless

You guys can do better...


Married: 16 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3287 | Registered: Dec 2011
Betrayed444
♂ Member
Member # 38389
Default  Posted: 11:54 AM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

TC

My god bro my wife sent the same damn text. Swear
"Love you a bunch. Can't wait until you get home from work xoxo"
Seriously
That is rug sweeping gold
After I trigger I get no remorse, no hug, no empathy.
She'll wait until it blows over. Especially when she wants something. My money is my vag. Hair and nails need to be done, not cheap, about 250. She'll put out or clean the house a few days before bringing it up. I can at least see that.
I'm going to have put my mortgage primarily in my name now because I don't need any liens on my house.

[This message edited by Betrayed444 at 11:55 AM, June 17th (Monday)]


Posts: 494 | Registered: Feb 2013
Betrayed444
♂ Member
Member # 38389
Default  Posted: 12:02 PM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BTW song of the day. I hear these while working out on Pandora. Not that I really feel like this but it helps push out a few extra reps. Enjoy

Check out this video on YouTube:

http://youtu.be/6Q7scX5vXgU


Posts: 494 | Registered: Feb 2013
thinkingclear
♂ Member
Member # 38884
Default  Posted: 12:04 PM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

On a positive note.

Took my boys to see "Man of Steel" Saturday. That was a good movie. I loved the whole "do the right thing even if it costs you" message. It wasn't vulgar. Excellent special effects.

I can remember watching the original in mono back in the 70's. It was definitely one of the standouts for me so far this year.

* Not terribly important info, but hey it get's me to Member status *

[This message edited by thinkingclear at 12:06 PM, June 17th (Monday)]


BS - Me
WW - Her
10 month EA/PA

Posts: 211 | Registered: Apr 2013
Betrayed444
♂ Member
Member # 38389
Default  Posted: 12:41 PM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I took my boys Friday. We all enjoyed it.

Posts: 494 | Registered: Feb 2013
RyeBread
♂ Member
Member # 37437
Default  Posted: 12:49 PM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Boys and I went yesterday. I enjoyed it too. Have a couple issues with it but all in all it was entertaining and worth the money to me.

The reality is I got to spend some guy time with the boys...makes any movie "worth it" to me :)


Let him that would move the world first move himself. - Socrates

Posts: 957 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Midwest
thinkingclear
♂ Member
Member # 38884
Default  Posted: 12:51 PM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Issues? Please share. It will give me something else to think about IFYKWIM.


BS - Me
WW - Her
10 month EA/PA

Posts: 211 | Registered: Apr 2013
SuperDuperWonderboy
♂ Member
Member # 34716
Default  Posted: 12:52 PM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Took my boy to it on Saturday. Both enjoyed it!


My Friends call me Wonderboy--That's Mr. SuperduperWonderboy to you Tred.


Posts: 1263 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Everett
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