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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men - Part 11
Betrayed444
♂ Member
Member # 38389
Default  Posted: 5:52 PM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks TC and everyone else.
I live in NY so I want to naturally refer to SAl as Big Sal.
Defiled I appreciate it.
Your right. It's easy to be hard core. Turn couch potatoes into troops and preach about the American way. It's not easy to come out of complacency and embark on an unknown journey such as divorce.
I have tried everything. Patience, understanding, compassion. I've endured tremendous abuse to protect her through her troubles.
I remember my first jump in Airborne training. I stood up, snapped up, and went right out the door at 1300 feet. Man I was nervous. I was a kid.
When I left the service I was scared. Uncle Sam wouldn't be providing for me anymore. I'd be on my own. It was a great leap. I did very well.
I had been married before. I was young. We grew apart. It was fantastic. Life opened up.
This situation is ridiculous. I'm better than this. TC I really appreciate your words. They are inspiring. I wanted to do what's right. Be strong. I said to myself it's only sex. She had sex before us. She sees the price she's paid.
But she hasn't. She doesn't give a shit. I mean I'm sure she does in some way in her screwed up mind. Like her life is out of control and she's a whirlwind of a hot mess and can't contain the damage. She can't let it go. She can't submit and make peace. Her mind is still justifying it. She's still angry and resentful like its my fault I MADE her do it and she's pissed about that.
She said last night she hated me since before our second child and she shouldn't have had him. He is gorgeous. A ray of sunshine.
I've got to live life and let go. I know there is a lot of good waiting to happen.
SAL I know she needs meds. Guaranfuckingtee it. Do I want to go through that journey with her. See what works and what doesn't. Make life all about her therapy and issues.
Guys... Seriously. I don't think cupids going to shoot her in the tit with a new found love arrow where she falls head over heels with me and friggin blue birds start landing on her shoulders. If she hated me before in her mind she really doesn't like me now because I'm onto her. She is not pure as the driven snow in my eyes. She never will be. I don't see myself waking up and thanking god for her. I will always see that dirty BJ in a POS ford explorer with expires tags and a shitbird with a suspended DL receiving it.
I will be a single dad with 2 kids for the first time being financially strapped but OTOH free to do and feel as I please without walking on egg shells and putting on an act in front of the kids. I'm sure with a bit of time I won't care at all any more about anything. No mind movies, triggers, etc and ill probably meet someone that feels very real and appreciative of me.
Not that that is my Primary motivation.

[This message edited by Betrayed444 at 5:55 PM, June 18th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 494 | Registered: Feb 2013
Betrayed444
♂ Member
Member # 38389
Default  Posted: 6:01 PM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I kept thinking about your kids and you finding some way to document this shit. if her dad is in denial (if i read correctly), is it any point keeping him around so that he may go into cahoots with her to demonise you? (blood thicker than water etc...)

Your right. Dad is pretty level headed and I know he's embarrassed for his daughter but it is always possible.

[This message edited by Betrayed444 at 6:03 PM, June 18th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 494 | Registered: Feb 2013
DefiledRage
♂ Member
Member # 39292
Default  Posted: 6:16 PM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do I want to go through that journey with her.

That's the beauty of the situation she's put herself in....you don't have to. Turn that shit over to the state, let them worry about her health and safety. They can at least get the ball rolling without you having to take any more heat from her about it. Great position to be in..."I don't think your crazy, the state KNOWS your crazy!"

Is dad embarrassed enough to flip the story to keep his daughter out of jail? Hopefully he can see that she needs help, but remember that it is his little girl we are talking about.

If you're her only stability, and you remove that stability, desperate people resort to desperate measures.

[This message edited by DefiledRage at 6:16 PM, June 18th (Tuesday)]


Me:35 WW:34 M:13yrs
3 young children
Dday 1 EA 7/8/2010
Dday 2 PA 3/1/2013 same OMM for 4yrs

Mister rabbit says, "A moment of realization is worth a thousand prayers."


Posts: 427 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Two blocks from south shit and west hell
Betrayed444
♂ Member
Member # 38389
Default  Posted: 6:32 PM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah she's on a tight rope. If she does anything shell have to thread the needle because violating a PO also violates probation and catches the ire of CPS.
If I was to go now is the time.

Posts: 494 | Registered: Feb 2013
thinkingclear
♂ Member
Member # 38884
Default  Posted: 6:39 PM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Talk to an attorney TOMORROW!!!

Know your options and protect yourself. I agree with others. I'm sure her Dad has been reasonable thus far, but all bets are off moving forward. I wouldn't trust him. Maybe it will turn out that is an unjustfied assumption, but I think it would be careless to proceed otherwise.


BS - Me
WW - Her
10 month EA/PA

Posts: 211 | Registered: Apr 2013
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 6:48 PM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

444)))
You have been physically abused.
There's only one priority.
Protect yourself.

Not calling the cops and filing a report keeps you exposed.
Not in your shoes, but I don't think it's wise not to call the cops.

VAR.
Did you bruise?
Take a pic.

Steel yourself for the blubbering apology.
Do not discuss, argue, reason.
Cold. Calculated. Shut it down.
Hang a sign out "no access to me"
with a prepared phrase to distance yourself. I won't discuss, etc.
Don't escalate into having to repeat it.
Say it once then, Silent Running.

She needs to be cuffed and bagged. She is a danger to you.

Protect yourself.


Posts: 6027 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 7:04 PM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know I know.
I'm very strident about this particular subject.

We men have been dumbed down and desensitized & I despise it.
Why, just last Superbowl, there was a Fiat commercial that included a woman slapping a guy.
HAHAHA so funny hey?

& before that, there was a Tecate commercial that had a woman slapping a guy.

BWAAAHHAAA now!

No. FTN.
& Fuck Tecate & Fiat.

"IF" you were a woman, and posted this in general, the thread would explode to 10 pages in 5 minutes. Hell, they'd call the cops for you!

So tell me, what's the diff?

444) understand. Concern for your safety is my only motivation.
You're the one with boots on the ground,
& I ain't in them.
(any more)


Posts: 6027 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
DefiledRage
♂ Member
Member # 39292
Default  Posted: 7:34 PM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"IF" you were a woman, and posted this in general, the thread would explode to 10 pages in 5 minutes. Hell, they'd call the cops for you!

TRUTH


Me:35 WW:34 M:13yrs
3 young children
Dday 1 EA 7/8/2010
Dday 2 PA 3/1/2013 same OMM for 4yrs

Mister rabbit says, "A moment of realization is worth a thousand prayers."


Posts: 427 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Two blocks from south shit and west hell
Betrayed444
♂ Member
Member # 38389
Default  Posted: 8:23 PM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your absolutely right on all counts JJ. She should be cuffed and stuffed. However it is guaranteed jail time. Not that their is anything wrong with that. Sesame Street just released a kit on how to deal with incarcerated parents. There is no excuse for her behavior.
If the roles were reversed as you mentioned, if I beat her, verbally berated her, cheated on her, did drugs, was locked up how much of a monster would I be? Not one person would want her to R. Society is very much prejudiced against men. Shit when she attacked me last the women's shelter was all about helping her. That's like a wolf amongst the sheep. They wanted to put her up like she was the victim and we all know how the courts deal with men during a divorce. Women get automatic custody.
At least in this situation I won't have to worry about that. I'm even going to go for child support just because.
I know that irregardless shell probably get alimony.

Posts: 494 | Registered: Feb 2013
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 9:04 PM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not if she's in the clink.
Stop wondering ahead.
Are you playing me?

Defend your fallen walls now, don't worry bout the bill to the mason.


Posts: 6027 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
Betrayed444
♂ Member
Member # 38389
Default  Posted: 9:40 PM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Of course it's clear
Behind bars means the masons bill won't be that high.

Posts: 494 | Registered: Feb 2013
noescape
♂ Member
Member # 34888
Default  Posted: 2:42 AM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

b444, i know that on a logical/legal level that what jj is saying is probably the best/only course of action. Though I can also understand why you still havent pulled that trigger.

Man, your valour and concern for your kids is commendable (may be foolhardy and unsafe for yourself, but commendable). I dont know how much "we" can take. I DO know that every time some breaking point is reached (not to your extent though), we seem to pull up, put up and hang on. Dont know if its foolish, self punishment, construed as weakness or actually tremendous strength. I know there are many times that the disrespect, dishonesty, manipulation and crazy making (all forms of abuse) were at "ok, this is it, beyond this, I'm D.O.N.E" and then... we stay our hands. I used to feel at one time that its my "I can fixit" thinking. Then, I came to the point of "I am WEAK/FEARFUL, she'd have done it in a heartbeat if she were in my shoes" (maybe the word is ruthless). I dunno what it is though. I dont think its only about fear. Seeing your recent sitch, I KNOW its not.


Posts: 739 | Registered: Feb 2012
stronger08
♂ Member
Member # 16953
Default  Posted: 6:13 AM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I put up with the physical abuse myself for years. My XWW had a hand problem and I always just took it, laughed it off and usually just left the house till she clamed down. Once she started up with her A things changed. When I confronted her and OM in public things went south real fast. He and I got into it and she jumped right in. Guess who was escorted to jail in cuffs ? Spent 3 days there for the first time in my life at 43 years old. Was accused of assault and DV. Took many months and thousands of dollars to clear my name. The legal process in NYC grinds slowly. And during that time I was just another criminal and was being treated as such. When my attorney was able to prove my innocence I got nothing. No apology, no restitution and they did nothing to my XWW or the OM for lying to the police. Do yourself a favor and get away from her before you wind up in the same place. She was hitting herself in the bathroom just in case you called the cops. All they need to see is a red mark on her and off you will go. The law is biased towards men in regard to DV. Shit, the DA dropped the assault charge against me quickly. The DV charge was the one they concentrated on. And my XWW was more than willing to go along. And why not ? She had an order of protection against me throughout the whole process. Could not even go near my own home. Still had to pay the mortgage and bills. All the while she got to screw her OM there. Trust me when I say this. She is setting you up my man. And her old man will back her up. Protect yourself and your kids. Don't be an asshole like I was.


You cant eat soup with chopsticks.

Posts: 5434 | Registered: Nov 2007
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 7:55 AM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Some words of inspiration from Walter Earl Brown. Sung by the King. Keep dreaming mates.

There must be lights burning brighter somewhere
Got to be birds flying higher in a sky more blue
If I can dream of a better land
Where all my brothers walk hand in hand
Tell me why, oh why, oh why can't my dream come true
Oh why

There must be peace and understanding sometime
Strong winds of promise that will blow away
All the doubt and fear
If I can dream of a warmer sun
Where hope keeps shining on everyone
Tell me why, oh why, oh why wont that sun appear

Were lost in a cloud
With too much rain
Were trapped in a world
That's troubled with pain
But as long as a man
Has the strength to dream
He can redeem his soul and fly

Deep in my heart there's a tremblin question
Still I am sure that the answer gonna come somehow
Out there in the dark, there's a beckoning candle, yeah
And while I can think, while I can talk
While I can stand, while I can walk
While I can dream, please let my dream
Come true, ohhhhh, right now
Let it come true right now
Oh yeah


Married: 16 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3305 | Registered: Dec 2011
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 8:19 AM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

444, TOT brother. Another physical assault? With her having full knowledge of all of the possible outcomes, she still chose to assault you?
my ex wife also chose to attempt to have me removed from the home. fortunately for me she attempted to do it through a judicial process rather than calling the police. she had her best friend testify against me, and I had several witnesses and neighbors to fight against her. she wanted to have me removed from the home to be able to continue her affair in peace.
when all was said and done, I used the child support money she paid me to pay for childcare. don't let the financial aspect slow you down.

strength brother!


BH 50, WW 41
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 19(Hers),DS 8 Ours, DGS 2 1/2
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2077 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
RyeBread
♂ Member
Member # 37437
Default  Posted: 9:02 AM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have tried everything. Patience, understanding, compassion. I've endured tremendous abuse to protect her through her troubles.

An abuser keeps you guessing. An abuser always puts you in a position of trying to apease them. An abuser makes themselves seem helpless. An abuser uses and manipulates you into thinking you are the problem.

B444, if you haven't already it would be in your best interest to see an attorney. They can give you an idea of where you stand legaly and what your options are at this point, and how to go about getting her out of your life with the best possible outcome. I understand the hesitancy here, I'm not in your shoes either. We want to see you happy and at peace. You deserve that.

You aren't failing your marriage, you aren't failing your kids, you aren't failing your WW. You will be standing up for your kids, you will be standing up for YOU! It sucks to have to lay down the hammer but I think its time my friend. And it needs to come down HARD!


Let him that would move the world first move himself. - Socrates

Posts: 957 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Midwest
Betrayed444
♂ Member
Member # 38389
Default  Posted: 9:08 AM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks all
Pulling the trigger is the issue
TF outta TG we say on the range
Trigger finger outta trigger guard
Keep it safe. O serve your backstop at all times which means if any innocents are behind your target hold your fire.
I still have innocents. I'm such a pussy in this situation JJ is right. It's almost like I'm playing. I'm not afraid of anything but I'm fearful of letting go of the hand rail and wading I to the deep with my kids. Our journey without mom. Their mental wounds that may manifest over the years. One of their role models fallen.
But they saw too much. They saw their mom lose it. So I'm going to try to pull the trigger this week. I start my vacation.
I'm going to have to get her out of the house.
Well see. It's rough. She hasn't said anything to me since the incident except she loves me bullshit.
Another dday so to speak. Her trickle truth is accompanied by her anger. She delivers it like a knife to the chest.

Posts: 494 | Registered: Feb 2013
Betrayed444
♂ Member
Member # 38389
Default  Posted: 9:12 AM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

545
TOT brother. Fire for effect. Needs to be done.

The
Thanks man. Saved that first paragraph. That's exactly what it is. I have an attorney. He's patiently waiting for me to make a decision. He says it a home run if I decide to pull the trigger. He knows the whole situation and advised that no judge is going to award the kids to WW. He's a good guy.


Posts: 494 | Registered: Feb 2013
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 9:16 AM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

B444,

Just sending you strength bro. You've had enough advice in wifeology.


Married: 16 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3305 | Registered: Dec 2011
Later
♂ Member
Member # 39375
Default  Posted: 9:18 AM, June 19th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not afraid of anything but I'm fearful of letting go of the hand rail and wading I to the deep with my kids.

We all know the feeling. Standing there, with the waterline just above your knees, knowing that your balls are going to freeze with the next step.

And we all know that just diving in so much easier. Your balls don't even notice when you take that approach.


Posts: 384 | Registered: May 2013
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