Mister rabbit says, "A moment of realization is worth a thousand prayers."
I am struggling to understand if my wife is a sex addict (I think yes) or just a multiple cheater for some other reason. She says she is just a broken, insecure person, not a sex addict. I think she is sexually compulsive. In many ways I hope she is an addict, because that means there is a chance for recovery, and therefore reconciliation. If she is just a f-up, then we're done we're too old (she is almost 49) to deal with this like some problem she can resolve in therapy, especially since she's been trying to do that on and off for our whole relationship. Plus, she is a very together person on the outside everyone in my life was just as shocked as I was about all this sexual behavior outside our M, including our couples therapist that we had seen for years before and all during this insane 10 month cheating period. Not that she hadn't cheated before, but I thought that all ended after the first year of our relationship. I am an idiot.
Here's what happened and keep in mind we are in couples counseling before and during all this stuff...
July 2012, she went to her HS reunion and ended up in bed w/ some guy, she swears they just messed around for 10 mins, no sex (sure). She has an email relationship w/ him where they talk about spiritual stuff (turns my stomach, he has a wife and 2 kids too, and they are emailing like they are so spiritually evolved... gross). I call this a "minor EA/PA."
While she is at reunion she connects with an ex-boyfriend who she later ends up sexting with (she swears it was just during the few days she traveling for work, I don't buy it) and otherwise texting with, including one I read that said he was going to be flying into our town (swears she didn't see him, and if she did it would have just met to say hi). I'll give her the benefit of the doubt and just call this a sexting affair. If she had sex with him while at the reunion or when he was in town I'll probably never know.
Also while at reunion she gets a phone number of an ex boyfriend that she has been periodically obsessed with. I was aware of her love for him all these years, and it really didn't bother me that much because he lived across the country, and ultimately she chose me, right? Well, wrong. She begins an extremely intense EA with this guy over the phone, and I never knew it. She plans a business trip/vacation in his town, and gets everything lined up including a city bike tour, beach trip, and other outings. When she returns, for whatever reason (testing the waters?) she tells me she saw him, had lunch w him and his girlfriend. I was furious just at that I couldn't believe she saw him w/o telling me ahead. I kept saying, "that is so dangerous, if he would have come on to you I know you couldn't have resisted..." I was so hurt). Well, of course it was much more than lunch, they stayed overnight together, went on all sorts of romantic outings. I saw an email to her sister where she said she "tried to get him to have sex" but he wouldn't, they just laid entangled in the bed (ugh). I am pretty sure they didn't have intercourse (I really don't get this, something wrong w this guy I guess), but it was still physical. She clearly writes in her journal that she was/is obsessing about him, and that calls and texts from him are like a jolt to her brain - total addiction. I call this a major EA/PA.
Next she sleeps with a woman, in our own living room, while our kids and I, and the OW's female partner and their kids are all asleep elsewhere in the house. I call this fling #1. Honestly, this one wouldn't have bothered me that much, they got drunk, she wanted to see what it was like... sort of hot. But in reality it shows how morally down the tubes I've gone, and how much I was willing to let her trample over me to fulfill her own selfish desires. God I hate myself.
Finally, the weekend before I caught her she was traveling for work, hooked up with a guy in a bar who took her to a baseball game and then screwed her in her hotel room. This was fling #2.
I also learned that she messed around (swears no sex) with another different ex-boyfriend in 2010, and I know she messed around with him very early in our relationship.
It has been a fucked up roller coaster since this all came out, where I am mostly enraged, alternating with wanting to screw her brains out (hysterical bonding). I've lost it guys, I'm totally out of my gourd.
We are both in IC and MC, and are in a structured 6-month separation (June-Nov 2013). The separation agreement is no lawyers, no dating, I'm out of house 1st 3 months, she's out 2nd, and kids stay at house and adults move on alternating weekends (out person sleeps in guest room at house).
After 6 month separation we will decide if we can or want to reconcile. It's not looking so good right now. WW is totally fogged out. It takes all my energy to not contact her, send her nasty texts and emails. I am furious. I want her to suffer. She appears not to be suffering. I hate her.
You asked on another thread:
What gets a WW to wake up?
Easier said than done. After all, we BH's struggle with reality as well.
PR)) hang in there for yourself. bailing out would not be blameworthy
"I don't understand the world today I don't understand what she needs I gave her everything she threw it all away" tom petty
damn man! That's a lot of shit to eat! Why are YOU out of the house? That could be used against you.
My nephew just didn't have the tools. He's tried to take his life at least five times prior to this, but was never successful. This time he was Did I mention how much I hate infidelity? I'm so tired of seeing what it does to families. I'll never understand how someone can do this to another person, that they are supposed to love. The nightmares were bad last night.
We watched Highlander last night - just bought my wife a new one (late B-day present). The motto should apply to women who vow to a man (and vice versa): there can be only one.
A question. I don't exactly know how separation agreements work. Does yours have the force of law? Signed by judge, etc.?
that "no lawyers, no dating" thing seems custom designed to screw you.
no lawyers = no protection for you
no dating? Not that you will, but I'm thinking, what ever stopped the WW? Vows?
Most importantly, as slh pointed out, being out of the house is bad for your case.
Besides, your girls need you. Now more than ever.
The best sep agreement is you planting your ass in the house & telling her to get out.
She can come back when she fixes her shit. IF.
It pisses me off for you.
My dad was the lucky one, she married him because he was in the Army (capital A for you whiners)
[This message edited by Betrayed444 at 10:29 AM, June 24th (Monday)]
However, depending on the state, both parties remaining in the house could be worse as it may be seen as an acceptance of the affair.
It's definitely an issue that needs to be addressed to atty.