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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men - Part 11
slater13
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Member # 39008
Default  Posted: 2:05 PM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dp

[This message edited by slater13 at 2:06 PM, June 26th (Wednesday)]


The choices we make reveal the true nature of our character

Posts: 154 | Registered: Apr 2013
RyeBread
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Member # 37437
Default  Posted: 2:10 PM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks FP.

I get pretty angry thinking about all the ways I let my STBXWW take advantage of me. Some of the things are totally on her but I feel some shame/embarassment for allowing some of it. I guess I'm in the pissed off stage of the whole thing really. And you are right, it is on her how she chose to spend her time.

Everyone I talk to tells me I was a great husband but being in the middle of the mess it's hard to see that. Got beat down a lot so I always felt like I wasn't doing enough. Damn those were messed up days. Digging out of it now but it haunts me. I pray that time and IC will stitch up those wounds and get me up and running again.


Let him that would move the world first move himself. - Socrates

Posts: 957 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Midwest
Ascendant
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Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 2:14 PM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

slater13-
I think sometimes I get more perspective on my wife from reading over in Wayward than anywhere else. We get pretty rough down here in NO MA'AM sometimes, but the written ass-kickings that the fWWs and fWHs give to foggy-ass new WSs are second to none. Their 2x4's are just wooden boards with a nail sticking out of it, ala the classic Simpsons episode.


“Anyone who has a continuous smile on his face conceals a toughness that is almost frightening.”

Posts: 1618 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
64fleet
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Member # 18710
Default  Posted: 3:31 PM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Question, how many of you confronted OM?

I did confront one-surprised him in the hallway at her work.

He quit his job later, dunno if it was related.


time wounds all heels

Posts: 5360 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: deliverance land
RyeBread
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Member # 37437
Default  Posted: 3:52 PM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Question, how many of you confronted OM?

Not physically but I did call him. I was so pissed at the time that all I did was call him out on what he did and told him to stay the F away or it would be bad news for him. I got a lot of "yes sir" "no sir" responses. In the moment it felt good but very shortly after I went right back to being depressed because it really didn't change the situation. If I could do it again I'd be a little more tactful and calm and find out more details from him.


Let him that would move the world first move himself. - Socrates

Posts: 957 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Midwest
DefiledRage
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Member # 39292
Default  Posted: 4:32 PM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Question, how many of you confronted OM?

Can't he's armed, and he's a douchbag, wouldn't put it past him to charge me with assaulting a police officer. I'll have be satisfied with jabbing pins in the voodoo doll I made of him. Come on karma do me a solid...please!

Hopefully someday he'll get caught on clock with his pants down (know he's been accused at least twice before)
Then its on like Donkey Kong.


Me:35 WW:34 M:13yrs
3 young children
Dday 1 EA 7/8/2010
Dday 2 PA 3/1/2013 same OMM for 4yrs

Mister rabbit says, "A moment of realization is worth a thousand prayers."


Posts: 429 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Two blocks from south shit and west hell
Betrayed444
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Member # 38389
Default  Posted: 5:50 PM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Of all the POSER confrontations I've read on here, 444's is the only one that ended with the POSER literally pissing down his leg

I confronted him. POSER was in a restaurant with WW. I ordered him out of his chair. I advised him he was about to get his ass beat. I told him we were stepping outside. This in front of numerous witnesses. He was wide eyed( I took a pic of that). He was scared, confused, and refused to stand up. I leaned over the table and stared him right in the eye. 1 inch from his face and barked an order to him to get on his fuckin feet and prepare to get his ass beaten down. I called him a little pussy and a coward. He stammered and said nothing happened. I was shaking, my adrenaline was flowing, I swear I could have broken him and that table in half. I was psychotic. I didn't care. The back of my neck felt like it was on fire. I must have looked like Conan.
He stood up and pissed down his pants. I advised him that I would allow him to live if he talked. I said that he better be honest because I was offering amnesty and I would find out about any lies. He threw her under the bus. I told WW to leave. She refused. I ordered POSER to tell her to leave. He did and she walked outside.
We walked outside. He told me more. That she misrepresented our marriage. That she pursued him. I believed that much.
She came back and said I was crazy. I looked at him and said do I look like I'm crazy?! Your with my wife in a restaurant when she should be with her kids and your still alive.
I incredulously said you fucked my wife on her period and added that she jumped me the night after and fucked me so hard my room looked like a god damn crime scene. ( she did, it was some kind of psychological female mating thing)
Apparently this shocked him because I guess she agreed to no sex with me. When I was done I told him to do an about face and move the fuck out. Then I said he wasn't moving fast enough and he literally ran to his vehicle. She stared after him with a pained look. Ill never forget that. He was gone. In the wind. Quit his job at the club and left the state. I believe he's in Florida now. Venice or osprey?.
While I felt good. She saw him as a coward. I asserted my dominance, fact is he fucked her. She blew him in a dirty car. He came in her mouth.
Can't change that
What could have been different is I could have hurt him badly. Could have gotten arrested, lost my kids, my job, my home. I had a hair trigger that night. I only pulled it together because I had a slim window of clarity. Self restraint and discipline. If he said the wrong thing, smiled, made a smart ass comment I would have lost it. I would have gone ape shit. I had a firearm in the car.
WW wasn't worth all that. Seriously. Sometimes you gotta pop smoke. Break contact. In an alternate universe it would have been ugly.
I tried to contact OM 2
He denied knowing her or I on the phone. He definitely knows who I am. I met him with my kids on thanksgiving. He threatened to call the Police. He panicked and hung up.
He's a doctor 20 years older than her. That pisses me off and I can go after him, fuck his world up. He's a pussy. He's no match for the devastation I can rain down on him but I'm opting not to. I'm sure he's worried about it. He knows he's on my radar. I've got to suck it up and move on.
WW said something to me the other day. She says I can't beat up all the men she goes out with. I replied she was right but well be divorced and in that case I don't care who she fucks. When I divorced my first wife that didn't bother me at all. I met another woman who was way hotter anyway. It was like trading a yugo for a Mercedes Benz and if and when I did leave her none of this would matter at all. I'd probably be in the arms of another hottie who loved me for real, drinking a bottle of wine and laughing about the whole thing, talking about how crazy WW was and wondering why I dragged it out for so long.


Posts: 494 | Registered: Feb 2013
Later
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Member # 39375
Default  Posted: 6:29 PM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Great deal 444. Reminds me of that scene in Troy:

"Is this what you left me for?"


Posts: 384 | Registered: May 2013
thinkingclear
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Member # 38884
Default  Posted: 6:42 PM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

B444

I never tire of hearing that story. We live vicariously through you. It must have been your training reigning you in because I know I wouldn't be able to display so much self-control.


BS - Me
WW - Her
10 month EA/PA

Posts: 211 | Registered: Apr 2013
Later
♂ Member
Member # 39375
Default  Posted: 6:56 PM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Okay. so I see my work is cut out for me. To become king of the hill there must be a crapping of the pants.

Posts: 384 | Registered: May 2013
jjct
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Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 7:11 PM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FP, facing the triggers is hard, it takes time - but it goes along with what I often say about 'embracing' the stages of healing.
You drink all those cups dry, eventually, there's nothing left but indifference. A truth we deny has power over us - equal to the level of denial.

We see the denying WS's displaying this all the time.

And no, it's not a matter of being weak to want to avoid them. It's completely natural to want to avoid pain.
(Don't be too hard on yourself)

I always chuckle at 64's

He quit his job later, dunno if it was related.

Deadpan.
Watch out for that guy.

Glad you held back 444 - none of us would have heard the story otherwise...(maybe)

I like this guy. My size!

http://screen.yahoo.com/marine-puts-stop-cocoa-bank-225640939.html


Posts: 6032 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
jjct
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Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 7:17 PM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To become king of the hill there must be a crapping of the pants.

HAHA!
Not to worry though, it rolls downhill!

Posts: 6032 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
Sal1995
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Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 7:47 PM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Re: confrontation with the OM. What really can you say to get through to a man who knowingly settles for another man's sloppy seconds?

What's the desired result - that he's going to slink home in shame, with his head hanging low? Not likely. For guys like this, shame's not part of the equation.

Or maybe he'll crap in his pants and sweat for a minute or two. But his fear will leave when you do, and he'll still be a lousy POS looking to screw someone else's wife. B444's result with OM1 is probably the best case scenario, but not the likely scenario. The most likely scenario would B444's experience with OM2 - denial and gaslighting. The worst case scenario is someone who taunts you into doing something that you'll regret later.

Once all of this is over, you're still left with the same problem - an unfaithful wife. Who now has the pleasure of seeing an honorable man "fight" for her, even after she was completely unwilling to fight for the marriage when faced with temptation. Sounds like more than she deserves at present.

FTN. You're the prize. The only one who needs to be fighting for anything right now is her. And if she's not willing to do that...then why are we out looking for the OM? Hell, let him have her. Send them a housewarming gift, or a wedding gift. Thank him for taking a big problem off your hands.

And if your wife does fight like hell to save the marriage and repair the massive damage she has done, then why waste one more second of mental or physical energy on the POSOM?

Just my take. I've never met the OM and we don't run in the same circles, so much easier for me than some of the other guys on this thread who have to see the OM.

Peace to all my BM brothers tonight.


Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, together 19+
4 children

Reconciled


Posts: 1035 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
atsenaotie
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Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 8:27 PM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Question, how many of you confronted OM?

Which one, there were four that I know of?

BIL who she was sexting, exchanging pictures with, and ?? Him I called up and read the riot act. He denied anything happened, said yes sir twice, and avoids me at family gatherings.

The OM before last (they do get hard to keep track of) I worked with. While she was having her A with him (he was a coworker of her) she convinced me to help get him hired where I worked. For 3 years until dday I wondered why he treated me like $hit after I had helped get him the job. Soon after dday I avoided him and was ashamed. We did not work together often, but a couple to few times a year I had to meet with him and his staff to solve problems in my content area. As I made progress healing, I quit being ashamed around him. I would ignore him and talk to his subordinate about the issues and work plan. I would move into his space. I would ask him in front of his boss to carry the ladder for me. Towards the end of my employment there, I got to where I had indifference. even when he was all smiles and glad to see me, I could treat him like any other person I knew of and worked with, but did not really know. A couple of years after dday, this OM came across a web link at work he intended to send to his home email, but his computer must have auto-completed the email with my work address. I am very certain it was not intentional, it was a link for a sophisticated sex doll. I called him up, pretended I thought he sent it intentionally, said how that was inappropriate for work, and especially not funny considering he had used my W as a sex doll. He stammered an apology as fast as he could and then hung up.

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 8:28 PM, June 26th (Wednesday)]


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3968 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
Tred
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Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 9:00 PM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FP,
I force myself to endure them.

It's called exposure therapy and is used to treat PTSD. Guess how I know that? Basically the trauma expert makes you relive the trigger until it no longer has no power over you. I've been doing it for a while, but then again, I have a lot of triggers. It seems to take the edge off them after a while, but I still have them. Slow learner I guess.


Married: 16 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3306 | Registered: Dec 2011
jjct
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Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 9:00 PM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

lol ats!

& Sal?

FTN. You're the prize.

what you said!
Right on right on!

Posts: 6032 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
jjct
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Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 9:03 PM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My brother, I'm a slow learner too. No worries.
I'm 5'7' ANDA HALF.
lmao

Posts: 6032 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
atsenaotie
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Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 9:18 PM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Later,

There must be a crapping of the pants...with a picture!

From B444:


He was wide eyed( I took a pic of that).


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3968 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
Mikey56
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Member # 38063
Default  Posted: 9:22 PM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A crapping of the pants

Too funny........


Posts: 108 | Registered: Jan 2013
Betrayed444
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Member # 38389
Default  Posted: 10:00 PM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Once all of this is over, you're still left with the same problem - an unfaithful wife. Who now has the pleasure of seeing an honorable man "fight" for her, even after she was completely unwilling to fight for the marriage when faced with temptation. Sounds like more than she deserves at present.

Absolutely. And I said that afterwards. That I defended her. Stood up for her. That he was a user, a manipulator.
On nov 10 when WW went out she didn't return until 0310 am. I received a text. Don't worry. Out with friends. Be home before you go to work in the morning. She said prior she was going to the store to get Pms meds and she had diarrhea.
After that night I activated my onstar family link GPS.
On wed 10/14 I located our vehicle in a driveway. She said she was at a restaurant. I knew then. Time was of the essence. I loaded the kids in the car and said were going on a drive.
I went to the house. Found the car. Took pictures. The rear sliding glass door was unlocked. I went inside. No one was there. I encountered a downstairs tenant who was surprised. I asked who the occupants were. The occupant was a tennis guy. My suspicions were confirmed.
I went to the restaurant and had the encounter.
See how bad it could have went. What if I was later and found them fucking.
My kids were in the car at the restaurant. Imagine if I snapped.
My WW's boss was also there. Our divorce mediator was there. Yeah we used her friend. However she eventually flipped when she really knew how WW was like. That she wanted to leave the kids.
TC was right and thanks. Tremendous restraint that could have went extremely south.
I imagined before dday that if my WW was fucking someone I would say thanks and buy him a drink. Easy to think that.
I also think I should have let it continue while she was in the fog. Easy divorce. She only wanted a vehicle.
We can all make OM cry or shit his pants. Easy. Make him fear death. But that takes an extreme measure. WW's other male knew my history and what I do and that I was capable
Of doing. Regardless of that though, he still did it. He still got some married ass. Still got his BJ and escaped. We have to pick up the pieces. We're still left with the betrayal no matter what actions we took. It doesn't matter. I was lucky it didn't escalate in hindsight.

[This message edited by Betrayed444 at 10:02 PM, June 26th (Wednesday)]


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