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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men - Part 11
numb&dumb
♂ Member
Member # 28542
Default  Posted: 2:30 PM, June 14th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It was proving to me that she was worth being in love with.

Me too. It wasn't so much she had to make me, it was more she was worth the risk. She had to show me why I would want to be M to her. Something aside from the kids, which was the original reason I stayed and decided I needed to "try."

You start over. Ask her to win you back. It does wonders for a bruised ego. Now this can be a double edged sword, it is important to communicate what you want and need to.

Somebody (I don't remember who) told me it is like she is a girlfriend with a past right now. It helped me.


Me-35 her-35

DS 1, DD 6
Dday 8/31/11. ONS that occurred 3 years earlier. Lied to for 3 years.

Every truth comes to light in a long enough timeline.


Posts: 2457 | Registered: May 2010
RyeBread
♂ Member
Member # 37437
Default  Posted: 2:42 PM, June 14th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Somebody (I don't remember who) told me it is like she is a girlfriend with a past right now.

I wonder if this is a form of rugsweeping though. The rub is that you are her past...not to be a negative nancy or anything but a girlfriend with a past doesn't lump you into the past hurts she has. What about the resentments and anger she has towards you? How have you addressed those issues?

Sorry if that comes off like a douche. Truly wondering if that is the healthiest outlook in an A type situation.

[This message edited by RyeBread at 2:43 PM, June 14th (Friday)]


Let him that would move the world first move himself. - Socrates

Posts: 957 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Midwest
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 2:43 PM, June 14th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have heard of women getting on the same "cycle"...maybe that is happening to us.

Maybe, but no group hugs, crying, or white zinfandel for us.

"Somebody (I don't remember who) told me it is like she is a girlfriend with a past right now."

numb, if that helped you then that's all that counts. It wouldn't help me because my wife already had been a girlfriend with a past. And I didn't give a damn. Once she wore the white dress, said her vows, had my babies, and made a life with me, she was white as snow in my eyes. Mine only. Now, she's a cheating wife who got screwed by another man 100 times or more over the course of 10 months, while married to me. I'm going to have to find some other way to look at things to move forward.

Yeah, I'm Mr. Sunshine these past few days. Not having a great week, brothers.

[This message edited by Sal1995 at 3:48 PM, June 14th (Friday)]


Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, together 19+
4 children

Reconciled


Posts: 1028 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
numb&dumb
♂ Member
Member # 28542
Default  Posted: 2:52 PM, June 14th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Rye-

No worries. I put it out there it is fair game. The past was meant to be a "shared" past in which she may have done things that I did not like.

In this area only and within the context of asking she make an effort to show you why you would want to marry her. Win me back, woo me, "prove" that she choose me and only me.

It was being used to explain how I should approach that part of the situation. It is not meant as a catch all.

My W has issues with me from time to time or things I have done. We are working through it now. At the place I was at then, I needed to see the M was something worth saving.

At that point, I was only there for the kids and people here were trying to get me to see how that strategy was going to fail. I was in a limbo of my own making and was down about how that was my life.

FWIW- it was an analogy I discussed with my W and it did help her understand my vantage point.

YMMV


Me-35 her-35

DS 1, DD 6
Dday 8/31/11. ONS that occurred 3 years earlier. Lied to for 3 years.

Every truth comes to light in a long enough timeline.


Posts: 2457 | Registered: May 2010
RyeBread
♂ Member
Member # 37437
Default  Posted: 3:57 PM, June 14th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

numb&dumb,

Thanks for explaining. I can see how that would have some value now.


Let him that would move the world first move himself. - Socrates

Posts: 957 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Midwest
Stillkicking
♂ Member
Member # 38246
Default  Posted: 6:55 PM, June 14th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why are they so selfish, inconsiderate, and just plain oblivious to what they are doing. Is it really that fuckin hard to open your eyes???

Oh but better not say to much or show to much emotion or I will be pouting.


You'll never learn to fly
until your standing at the cliff

I reserve my right to feel uncomfortable reserve my right to be afraid.
I make mistakes and I am humbled every step of the way.


Posts: 126 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Canada
ssi0318
♂ New Member
Member # 39225
Default  Posted: 9:10 PM, June 14th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You guys should love this one. The new guy in my office just started this week, internal hire. Anyway, I knew he was divorced, and I was talking with him about how I'm filing next week and might be hitting him up with pointers.

Anyway, as we are talking I explain my situation with the WW, and he comes back with, that's exactly what happened to me! We compare notes, his exWW, pulled all the same crap, lying, gaslighting, etc.

So now I've got another guy, this one IRL to go talk shit over with. He's about 18 months out post D, and he totally gets it. IE, the feeling that you are going crazy (before you figure it out), going to IC preDD because you think it's you, not her, the weight loss from stress, the issues at work.

When we were done talking I told him that he just made my weekend. Anyway, to all you Dads out there, Happy Fathers Day. Time for another drink (Moscow Mule tonight, FWIW).


Me-BS
Her-WW - probable NPD
M 11 years, T 14 years
3 kids, all under 10
DDay 3/18/13
I'm not happy - Nov-12

Posts: 32 | Registered: May 2013
Betrayed444
♂ Member
Member # 38389
Default  Posted: 10:21 PM, June 14th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Betrayed444,

Does your WW have her drug issues under control or is she getting help?


Yes. She disappeared last June and told me she was addicted to hydrocodone. She had a script for Xanax. She left a day prior to Father's Day. Stayed a night at a friends house. Another night at an expensive hotel. No telling what happened there. She was whacked. Asking people for money. Telling people I cut her out of our accounts and took her off the cell phone plan. I had discovered she had a PO box. She said she needed "privacy". She didn't want me to see her credit card statements. During the week she was soliciting money from guy friends. Totally out of control. Awesome Father's Day right? So I'm triggering.
Anyway since She got the the DWI in January she's been in rehab 3x a week and getting tested often. She's almost done.
I think we all cycle together because we're on the same roller coaster. We're up when things look good but down when our WW's show a hint of bullshit. Plus we're pissing each other off reading about what our WW's are pulling on us. Like its a game for them. I feel that many of us are still being manipulated on a daily basis. Seriously I don't see any remorse. I do see constant maneuvers to rug sweep. My WW puts on that bullshit smile, how was your day, I love you's etc. she spreads it on thick with the xoxo's but I can't buy it because whenever I bring up the A or bring up my dissatisfaction with anything the claws come out. Like she's performing some behavior modification exercise. For instance this morning she was going to take her father to a clothing store, np but in addition she was going to take care of some business we agreed she would do Monday. We had plans to go to the gym. Anyway I told her I didn't agree. Her father jumped in. First time and he said he's basically been a prisoner here for 6 months and wanted to go to the store( he can go on his own btw). I said that wasn't the issue. He then added it was disgusting arguing in front of my 4 year old. He was hot.
I held my fire. I wanted to say your right. I'm a prisoner also. I'm stuck with your daughter for the moment. And I'm also disgusted that your daughter slutted away our marriage,got addicted to drugs, caught a dwi, cost me thousands of dollars, probably a few years off my life, and CPS saying she's a bad mom. Yeah I'm disgusted.
Meanwhile she was probably happy that a potential rift was developing between her dad and I. She never stepped up or took any responsibility.
I flew her dad up here because it was the only way she could stay in the house with the kids. I got him approved as a supervisor by CPS otherwise she'd be out on her ass.
He has put up with a lot but he can split anytime. I give him credit. He stepped up.
I'm so disgusted this weekend
A big part of me wants to tell her that I do love her and I always will however this is where we part. I remained loyal to our marriage. She did not and I can't live with that any longer. I think there will always be issues, always be conflict and I haven't received the remorse, honesty, and effort that I would expect in a situation like this.
I deserve better.
You see if the roles were reversed, and I can only speculate, if I wanted my marriage and I was in love and I seriously fucked up because I lost sight of my boundaries I would be doing EVERYTHING in my power to win her back. I would tell the truth, apologize, kiss her ass. I definitely would not blame her, that's crazy! I wouldn't snap at her. I would do anything she wanted.
I would never say the OW was tighter, had nicer tits, a better ass, Gave me a better BJ. That I liked OW better and didnt like my wife. Who the hell does that?! My WW that's who
Is that remorse?
No. Certainly not. Yet she says she loves me now. Says I'm the most important t person in the world to her. Of course I am. She has no job, no education, a criminal record now.
Who else except a degenerate will take her.
Yet I'm supposed to believe her when she's worse off than ever. Of course she loves me now. She fucked up so completely. She can't even maintain playing the game.
I apologize for the rambling but this is one tough burden to bear. She fucks I don't know how many guys. Blames it on me and I'm supposed to recapture some kind of love. Rekindle some flame where we are staring at each other in candle light. Fuck , I can't even have a glass of wine with her because she has a god damn probation officer now. That is somehow my fault also.
I dunno. Some days I'm like fuck it I can handle it. Other days I see her naked In Some pervs bed and I'm like fuck that.
Even swingers have the common courtesy to involve their mate when there is that much debauchery going on.
I'm telling you guys, I love my kids but they will catch on. They will know daddy isn't happy. I don't want to raise them in an atmosphere where my emotions are a facade. I'm sure they want to see me happy and truly in love. Where I can be myself and at peace. Not doing a 180 and excluding their mom or constantly triggering.
My WW turned me into something I'm not. A relationship is not needing passwords or wondering what WW is up to.
If she's not remorseful I feel she'll do it again. There is no way she snapped back into love with me like a fucking lightning bolt hit her and she saw the light.
SAL said his wife broke down and cried.
My WW cried when I told her last week I found all her old deleted texts, I didn't but that was the response. She started slapping herself in the head. Those must have been some really good texts.
Right now I feel it's all bullshit. She just wants it to go away so she can keep pretending to be a house wife until the next opportunity.
I don't even want her damn Father's Day gift.
Btw took my boys to see Superman today. Good movie.

[This message edited by Betrayed444 at 10:39 PM, June 14th (Friday)]


Posts: 494 | Registered: Feb 2013
Betrayed444
♂ Member
Member # 38389
Default  Posted: 10:56 PM, June 14th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Here's an odd story from last June. It was off topic so I didn't include it in the last post.
Prior to WW leaving she scheduled the babysitter, a friend of ours, to watch the kids from 3-11 on Father's Day. I had to work that day and she was being "thoughtful" since she left us.
She just abandoned us but was concerned about child care.
I was upset and decided to take the day off. Babysitter shows up and decides to stick around. She was hung over and spent the night in the guest bedroom. She slept over before and was like family. Kids slept with me.
She's leaves in the morning.
Next thing I know my WW is telling people that babysitter told me I slept with her. The story was outrageous.
She made a big deal out of it.
Now this girl loved our kids so
A. WW made it up
B. they were working together to damage my rep. But big risk on babysitter to risk never seeing the kids again.
I didn't want to contact the babysitter so it didn't look like I collaborated with her in addition babysitter was nasty. No one believed it on that point alone. I felt that if you were going to set me up send one of your hot friends and make it believable.
WW finally admitted she made it up.
Granted I shouldn't have put myself in that position.
But why?
After much pondering I figured she had that blow out with me to leave.
Got a room and met some guy. Accused me of infidelity with such a preposterous story that it would take the attention off her motive and have me focus on defense.
Accuse me of doing what she had potentially done.
As I wrote In An earlier post, her friends told me WW had been on a nasty smear campaign and was hooked on narcotics.
I asked her about the smear campaign and she responded that her friends were crazy. I was like ALL of them.
I asked her if she had an affair.
She said
"God no!!"
The first was an absolute lie
My gut says so was the second. But I have no proof at all. Just that she can look me right in the eye and bullshit me without missing a beat.

[This message edited by Betrayed444 at 11:02 PM, June 14th (Friday)]


Posts: 494 | Registered: Feb 2013
Later
♂ Member
Member # 39375
Default  Posted: 12:19 AM, June 15th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

444, sorry to hear you in so much pain.

I have noticed there is a tendency here not to suggest a path to others. I have only been here a short time, so I may be misreading that. Also, if I am out of line someone can let me know.

She sounds extremely toxic and potentially dangerous. That incident with the babysitter is over the top, especially if she never believed it to be true. That's a smear not only against you, but the babysitter as well.

To be perfectly honest, it sounds like she has no other options, and is doing what she must to survive. If she doesn't play the game, she could literally be homeless.

It also sounds like she may be building resentment toward you for having to play the game. I could be totally off base, but it sounds like there is a real risk of her snapping and stabbing you in the middle of the night or some crap.

I don't know what the answer is, but it sounds like this could go very bad.

Forgive me if I am out of line.

Now that I have dealt with the splinter in your eye, I will go back tending to the board in mine.

[This message edited by Later at 12:20 AM, June 15th (Saturday)]


Posts: 384 | Registered: May 2013
noescape
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Member # 34888
Default  Posted: 3:03 AM, June 15th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

On the recent subject of breaking age old held beliefs on the roles of parents ;

http://www.theatlantic.com/sexes/archive/2013/06/the-distinct-positive-impact-of-a-good-dad/276874/

Which also worries me about;

1. Divorce and a distinct possibility of being cut off from my kids day to day child rearing (I.e. single mom household)

And

2. Low quality parenting if I stay with a remorseless spouse due to the inherent issues of dealing with a PA spouse/co-parent and the subsequent effect on the kids (I.e. lower quartile of the fathering dynamic)

Ugh... Shit sandwich sucks butt


Posts: 739 | Registered: Feb 2012
slater13
♂ Member
Member # 39008
Default  Posted: 5:23 AM, June 15th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That article was interesting. The fact that having a bad dad was often worse than no dad surprised me a bit. Goes to you point NoE- if we stay we have to fight through the crap and still be a good dad.

My FWW is travelling for business, to a conference, likely where OM will be, on Father's Day. As you can imagine, not having the best weekend. But I will try to just forget about her and make the most of my time with my wonderful kids.


The choices we make reveal the true nature of our character

Posts: 153 | Registered: Apr 2013
slater13
♂ Member
Member # 39008
Default  Posted: 5:50 AM, June 15th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh and here is a great article some of you may have seen about the cost of forgiveness.

http://www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/cost-of-forgiving-infidelity?utm_campaign=newsletter&utm_medium=email_09_25&utm_source=list_MC&utm_content=cost-forgiveness&utm_term=link_visible


The choices we make reveal the true nature of our character

Posts: 153 | Registered: Apr 2013
Betrayed444
♂ Member
Member # 38389
Default  Posted: 6:39 AM, June 15th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have noticed there is a tendency here not to suggest a path to others. I have only been here a short time, so I may be misreading that. Also, if I am out of line someone can let me know.

Later
I don't think anyone is out of line at all especially not you. i know im here to talk about our situation and welcome any advice or suggestions that are offered and contribute when I can. . That is why I'm here. I don't know about anyone else but I don't take offense to anything that is said. No one can make this soup sandwich any worse when in fact the advice has helped me immensely.

Posts: 494 | Registered: Feb 2013
Tred
♂ Member
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 7:16 AM, June 15th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have noticed there is a tendency here not to suggest a path to others.

Nah, we do that all the time. One of the unofficial mottos of this site is "Take what you need and leave the rest". Every betrayal has a lot of similarities, but what works for each one of us may be unique. See? That's advice right there. Me, I talk to myself. Sometimes I answer myself. It's when I tell myself a joke I've never heard that I start to get concerned.


Married: 16 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3303 | Registered: Dec 2011
noescape
♂ Member
Member # 34888
Default  Posted: 7:21 AM, June 15th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's when I tell myself a joke I've never heard that I start to get concerned.


Posts: 739 | Registered: Feb 2012
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 10:08 AM, June 15th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tred lmao!
There's your tagline- right there!

Later - no worries man. I said the exact same thing to 444 previously. Well, because mine was toxic and dangerous - as opposed to "merely" unremorseful...

DefiledRage, I definitely agree with "the old M is dead", & I've said many times on here...mine used "let's talk about the M" as an avoidance tactic.

Is it possible to change the story of "becoming someone you don't know"...into a story of "discovering who you really are" (& fixing the bad & shining up the good)?

Circus sex & the fear of losing it kept me tethered to a toxic person way past the normal relation-expiration date.
Now here's the thing. All that poser-ire I vomited? Many many times, was based on my disgust at those of my gender who are ruled by their dicks. Shallow & fucked up. Completely who I didn't want to

Wait.

Here I was, driving back from a 'conjugal visit' with a damp dick in my pants, listening to her screaming on the phone that she pulled over on the side of a busy interstate, needs money, blahblahblah drama...

Like I've said, awareness came in incremental packets for me, but the knowledge that I was being kept in toxicity by my very own dick...
shut me right the fuck up.
Helped me detach.

So yeah, I don't quite feel "myself" any more - but I've made that a dam good thing.
Either that, or I need to get naked more often.


Posts: 6012 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
Betrayed444
♂ Member
Member # 38389
Default  Posted: 10:20 AM, June 15th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Circus sex & the fear of losing it kept me tethered to a toxic person way past the normal relation-expiration date.
Now here's the thing. All that poser-ire I vomited? Many many times, was based on my disgust at those of my gender who are ruled by their dicks. Shallow & fucked up. Completely who I didn't want to

Wait.

Here I was, driving back from a 'conjugal visit' with a damp dick in my pants, listening to her screaming on the phone that she pulled over on the side of a busy interstate, needs money, blahblahblah drama...


^^^
All of it. Every bit of it and more.
JJ you are what we call in the Army
A Path finder. A special breed of Paratrooper that goes in and clears a drop zone for the assault troops.
First in under fire. I hereby award you the Path finder badge. Anyone know how to post an image?
http://i86.servimg.com/u/f86/13/56/44/49/pathfi10.jpg

[This message edited by Betrayed444 at 10:25 AM, June 15th (Saturday)]


Posts: 494 | Registered: Feb 2013
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 11:00 AM, June 15th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is with great honor that I accept this award. In honor and great respect to my other brothers & sisters - SI! who helped me along to sanity and freedom when I was so messed up, I humbly accept.
Thanks 444. This journey is about the men we were,
becoming the men we are!


Posts: 6012 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 11:03 AM, June 15th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

haha, I wondered if that would work - it didn't.

edited
THAT didn't work either gahh

sandwich the address with

Final edit.
I don't know how to tell you!

[This message edited by jjct at 11:06 AM, June 15th (Saturday)]


Posts: 6012 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
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