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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men - Part 11
Betrayed444
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Member # 38389
Default  Posted: 10:19 AM, July 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

PG
That's unbelievable and on so many levels of fucked up.
A common thread is that these WW's get twisted up in so many different ways and expect us to fall back into line once they say their sorry.
It's almost like they know by the numbers what to do once they are exposed. Religion, happy house wife smiles, etc
Every time you expose it or don't go along the beast comes out.
I think our wives are gone and the beast remains.
I don't know of they will ever come back into the light.
I'm having a hard time right now. While she's in happy land I still want to get my attorney. I mean I want to believe its going to be good but this has went on an endless loop for a long time.

Posts: 494 | Registered: Feb 2013
thinkingclear
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Member # 38884
Default  Posted: 10:56 AM, July 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

PG - So sorry man that she is doing those things to you. I'm even more sorry that you have to see your boys involved. I know that would hurt me more than her behavior.

I think what I was trying to convey earlier about detachment is that with it I don't feel compelled to a certain outcome. I don't hold on to hope. I'm done with the push-pull dynamics that I've allowed myself to be a part of for so long. I know what it is that makes me happy. For me it is about being aware enough of the situation at hand to make a reasonable choice. It is about being authentic in all aspects of life regardless of how my WW is behaving or where our marriage is heading at that moment. It has been a huge struggle for me to get here. It means letting go of the 'control' that I never really had to begin with. Too me specifically it means not feeling selfish for letting my WW know exactly how her absurd behavior makes me feel even if she is using every tactic in her arsenal to get me to stop and 'get back in line'.

The post by WAL and reposted by FP and noescape is spot on. It is commonsense that eluded me for way too long.


BS - Me
WW - Her
10 month EA/PA

Posts: 211 | Registered: Apr 2013
Betrayed444
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Member # 38389
Default  Posted: 11:06 AM, July 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm done with the push-pull dynamics

That's exactly what it is. Each day. Back and forth. Constantly vying for power. It's almost comedic if you view it from the outside.
They love it
Done


The military has 7 core values
These values combine together on the battlefield and everyday life such as the battlefield were on now.
Do you trust her with your life?
3 values stand out
Honesty
Loyalty
Integrity
These are core
Integrity is doing the right thing even when no one is looking.
Does she have integrity issues.
I have learned that these people are above and beyond selfish. They went to great lengths to lie and deceive. To hurt and destroy. To blame and rub it in. To cast you out as the person who destroyed their lives. Your responsible for all of their childhood issues. It's not them. It you and everyone before you.
They want to renew themselves. We started off as a clean slate for them. Now we are another crumpled up piece of paper on the drawing room floor. They can't fix themselves. They don't want to. And we can't neither.
They have mentally held court. We were convicted. Our sentence was passed over and over again.
In their minds we've punished them for years. They probably felt they were never good enough for us and beat themselves up over it and hated us for making them feel that way. Now they get to hurt us and in return we have to fight for them.
They don't know integrity. Repercussions Nadda.
So it's a game. And orbiting this game are other broken OM's and predators ready to validate these basket cases.

[This message edited by Betrayed444 at 11:37 AM, July 1st (Monday)]


Posts: 494 | Registered: Feb 2013
PowerGlo
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Member # 34132
Default  Posted: 11:53 AM, July 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey 444

I have learned that these people are above and beyond selfish. They went to great lengths to lie and deceive. To hurt and destroy. To blame and rub it in. To cast you out as the person who destroyed their lives. Your responsible for all of their childhood issues. It's not them.
This is exactly what I've been saying since all of this started. Now she is employing her children into believing I am trying to destroy her. Just the opposite, I've done everything to try and save her only to be burned time and time again.

They have mentally held court. We were convicted. Our sentence was passed over and over again.
In their minds we've punished them for years.

Yes she held court and became judge, jury and executioner. In her mind I need to be punished for the treatment she received. When in actuality the treatment came from FOO issues which just translated over to me. Of course she will never admit it because that would put the focus on her. The focus has been put on me and my reactions to her behavior over the past two and a half years. She has shot her loyalty, integrity and honesty down the toilet but needs to validate that it was because of me. She is doing everything in her power now to destroy my integrity by continuing her behavior of lying and deceiving under the guise of her new found religion.


Married 27 years...
DDay #1 11/11/11 - AFF profile with 10-15 boy toys.
DDay #2 1/13/2012 - still at it with the AFF boys.
1/17/2014 - Divorced
I knew the moment had arrived
For killing the past and coming back to life


Posts: 133 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: NW Indiana
Tred
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Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 12:03 PM, July 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

PG,

You need to go NC with her except for kids and finances. Don't let her involve you in her drama any longer. If she tries to get you involved with anything, a simple "I'm sorry you feel that way, but you are no longer my responsibility" or something like that should do it. Then crack a high life and put your feet on the table. With muddy boots.


Married: 16 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 3305 | Registered: Dec 2011
Betrayed444
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Member # 38389
Default  Posted: 12:43 PM, July 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

PG
Yeah bro you get it. I used to listen to WW gossip about everyone. How they were jealous of her. How they copied her. How they started shit with her. Almost became a game of how long will this friendship last.
I had a thought once
When will it be my turn. Yeah I got my turn
That's just it with these freaks. They pick up relationships and somehow they think they aren't worthy so they go about sabotaging them. Each new person is a clean start. Like they eventually want to get it right but as soon as they say hello the fuse is lit.
Mine is a fuck up. Always has been. I'm free to see that now. But it's my fault.
I almost choked when she rewrote our marriage to day 1. From the very beginning before we were married I was fucked. That's some crazy shit. I can't believe I carried her so far. Great job, house, kids etc. guess I was dumb and happy. I have no idea who she's fucked along the way but all her misery is attributed to me.
The next poor bastard will be crushed because now she is all kinds of ate up just like a chewed piece of bubble gum and she doesn't even see it.

Posts: 494 | Registered: Feb 2013
PowerGlo
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Member # 34132
Default  Posted: 1:04 PM, July 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

444 it sounds like we had the same woman. I just got my restraining orders so I get to go to court on July 17th. The fun continues and all I am trying to do is detach, detach, detach. She just can't believe I have finally stood up for myself and decided to leave her. How dare I...Don't I know that I need to love her unconditionally? That just means she can fuck anyone she wants, lie to me and everyone else about it and I am supposed to just sit by and accept it because after all I made a vow. They forget they made the same vow and broke it over and over and over. My wife had the nerve to tell me that the next man she beds down with will love her and respect her. I told her to try Craigs list, maybe there is an upgrade from Adult Fuck Finder.


Married 27 years...
DDay #1 11/11/11 - AFF profile with 10-15 boy toys.
DDay #2 1/13/2012 - still at it with the AFF boys.
1/17/2014 - Divorced
I knew the moment had arrived
For killing the past and coming back to life


Posts: 133 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: NW Indiana
Sal1995
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Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 1:14 PM, July 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My wife had the nerve to tell me that the next man she beds down with will love her and respect her. I told her to try Craigs list, maybe there is an upgrade from Adult Fuck Finder.

Great reply, PG. No doubt what she said is true, but what she apparently doesn't get is that love and respect is something she doesn't know how to hang onto. Because she doesn't love and respect herself enough to avoid defiling herself and her marriage. He will be loving and respecting a fantasy, and that has a short shelf life.

Eventually, the next man will come to the same conclusion as her previous man - that she's damaged goods and unworthy of trust and respect.

It's sad, really. My wife's shenanigans have taught me how little control we have over many aspects of our lives.

ETA: "They pick up relationships and somehow they think they aren't worthy so they go about sabotaging them. Each new person is a clean start. Like they eventually want to get it right but as soon as they say hello the fuse is lit."

B444, you are spot on brother. This is basically what my MC said - my wife didn't feel deserving of my love, so she sabotaged it. My wife had this clueless look on her face. It's not a conscious thing, but it's a predictable phenomenon when you have FOO issues, especially those that are daddy-related.

Another issue is transference. If your wife (like mine) felt abandoned or rejected by her father as a child, watch your ass. The shit is heading your way. The lack of respect for men or father/husband figures will manifest itself eventually.

I don't see how any marriage affected by a wife's cheating can reconcile without intensive IC/MC. There are too many issues for non-professionals to address, and from your WW's standpoint at least half of everything you say is suspect anyway.

It's not cheap, but neither is divorce and child support.

[This message edited by Sal1995 at 1:29 PM, July 1st (Monday)]


Me-45
WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, together 19+
4 children

Reconciled


Posts: 1035 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
noescape
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Member # 34888
Default  Posted: 2:28 PM, July 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

They want to renew themselves. We started off as a clean slate for them. Now we are another crumpled up piece of paper on the drawing room floor. They can't fix themselves. They don't want to. And we can't neither.
They have mentally held court. We were convicted. Our sentence was passed over and over again.
In their minds we've punished them for years. They probably felt they were never good enough for us and beat themselves up over it and hated us for making them feel that way. Now they get to hurt us and in return we have to fight for them.
They don't know integrity. Repercussions Nadda.
So it's a game. And orbiting this game are other broken OM's and predators ready to validate these basket cases.

Word for word THAT^^^^
Took me over 3 years, and a LOT of learning to recognise that. I lived with that for 10 fucking years without knowing!!!????

It wasn't even hidden as much as it was insidiously wrapped in a package which constantly had me looking at myself/KISA/coda issues.. Oh man, did she know how to play it well so instinctively.

It was literally a verbal exchange at the inception of my M... "Clean slate" ... funny enough-thats what happened (and I guess she hoped for) on DDay 1 - and thats why I ran with it. Fix it thinking. But she didnt realise that her lying and insincerity and double standards were now there for me to see like an open sewer. It always stank but once the cover came off, I didnt play ball by covering it up for her again - which is what I'd always done before. My bad huh? I guess I was like just another OM for a while - the HB, the 'truth' (TT) sessions, the 'reconnecting'... all a fucking farce when I refused to play by the script... and just like yet another OM, I was told on numerous occasions, how disposable I was (another trick in the book). Oh yes she successfully pulled me in for a bit every few months with circus sex or crazymaking push/pull and yes - I saw the whole religion/good house wife shit.

You see, the advice here isnt about vilifying a WW or about As par se. It is primarily about (re)learning self respect and not kowtowing to such continued disrespectful behaviour for the sake of sex/kids/finances/duty/vows etc... NOTHING is worth that.

They know that as a last resort-they will use fear: fear of losing sex, companionship, kids, societal respect, money and, finally, as we saw recently with a few of the BMs here, fear of being broken to the core by further revelations/comparisons with OMs "size" or her love for him... bullfuckingshit. All meant as a control mechanism to drive us into the pigeonhole they have fabricated in their heads for us. A woman with an iota of self respect, integrity and decency would be horrified at just the thought of treating another human being with such vile and malicious disrespect. What to say of what they show us of being religious, honourable and loving. Hypocrisy has a wicked elder sister and she is the remorseless WW.

We try and try to fix it-when we should exert just half that energy in fixing ourselves and our shattered selves.

I am so angry for you PG, I have seen this push/pull now clearly for over 3 years. No one deserves this - get into an IC's room with your kids and see what you can do to repair them and your relationship with them. Dont engage with batshit crazy.

My wife had the nerve to tell me that the next man she beds down with will love her and respect her.

the kind of man who would love and respect her would be no better than a pimp or a crack dealer (if that); she has no idea what a good man looks like. If she wants the love and respect of that kind of man, well - I second this

Because she doesn't love and respect herself enough to avoid defiling herself and her marriage.

As a final aside... if you have proof of her AFF shit or other exchanges with men after her come to jesus moment; brother you go right ahead and fucking blow the top off her religious persona-her pastor, church friends, family etc... lay that shit out man. Nuclear exposure. If nothing, it will at least vindicate you for the rest of your circle of family and friends from her vilifying you.

One of these days we need to start a discussion about the lack of respect meted out from WWs with such low self respect. wtf is with that?


Posts: 739 | Registered: Feb 2012
foundoutlater
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Member # 32900
Default  Posted: 5:57 PM, July 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was just catching up a little and saw this a few pages back.

As guys we see something broken and naturally want to fix it

I had to remind myslef that "guys" in this context did not infer "male". POSOM sees "broken" and want's to fuck it, not fix it.

Carry on


Your beliefs don’t make you a better person, your behavior does.

Posts: 1062 | Registered: Jul 2011
Ascendant
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Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 9:01 PM, July 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Been thinking a lot of about the state of my marriage, pre-A, lately. That, and 'detachment.' I'm wondering how many BM out there detached pre-affair for one reason or another. I did.

Basically, when I met my wife she seemed to be super confident, very independent, not emotionally needy, etc. At that point in my life, that was ridiculously attractive to me since I had just come out of a relationship with a woman who was super insecure.

Well, as time went by over the course of our relationship, she started drinking heavier and heavier. Also, she became more and more emotionally needy and insecure. This, of course, was always my fault since I "didn't make her feel secure"...or "didn't appreciate her." Well, I have two brothers who are both former heroin addicts who are thriving and healthy now, so I knew a little bit about detaching and whatnot, and not trying to control the habits of addicts. I started doing stuff I wanted to do, started working out with a boot camp class at 4:30 AM 4x a week. I lost more weight than I ever had, saw more visible muscle tone than I'd ever seen. I felt better, felt healthier. It felt "right" for me, you know? By day, my wife would compliment me on my new found weight loss, but by night, she would get upset and cry (read: get drunk and become manipulative) about "you care about working out more than me", or "I'm always your last priority." Well, when DDAY1 hit, about 14 months ago (EA, pre-underground), she employed all the blame-shifting, guilt-tripping, bullshit tactics that you see every other WW utilize to their advantage...you know, the kinds of things that, as men, hit us at our cores as problem-fixers. I wish I'd had SI back then....because I was looking at an unremorseful, and unregretful even, WW straight in the eyes....

...and I blinked first. I tried to "nice" her back into the marriage, and for a time, it seemed to work. I focused LESS on myself, and MORE on being her personal fantasy of a husband. I worked out less, hung out with friends less...felt like maybe, just maybe, she was right about this marriage thing and I had it all wrong. Knowing what I know now, she simply tried to take it underground. I explained to her all the reasons POSER had to be out of our life completely and utterly, and she paid lip service to it all. Then DDAY2 (PA) happened in January, and it was different this time on my end. WAL said in a post on BM7 or BM8 that you can only REALLY be surprised bu infidelity once. It's true. The second time through I wasn't surprised, I was outraged...because the "slippery slope" theory could've applied to the EA, due to it's relatively short length. But the second time? She knew how the process went, and she still pursued it. I know there's a lot of hemming and hawing and the like on here about PA vs. EA, but for me there was no contest in which hurt more. The PA did. I'm sure it is highly dependent upon the individual, but for me there is a line to physical intimacy.

I'm no prude, and my wife and I were both with other people prior to this relationship....but I'm of the belief that even though we were both with others before each other, within the context of *this* relationship we behaved a tad different sexually. I'm different sexually with my wife than I was with my previous partner, and I imagine she is as well...it's been so many years since I had sex with a different person that it's probably true. I feel like you adapt your 'sexual toolbox' so to speak, to the person you're having sex with, y'know? And since POSER was inserted right into the middle of my marriage, the sexual experience he and my wife 'had' was probably more similar to that of my wife and I than ours is to her past partners. I hope that wasn't too abstract.

I guess what I'm saying is that since I detached in anger prior to the A, and then re-attached after the EA, I'm finding it difficult and counterintuitive (emotionally, not intellectually) to now detach again, even though I know it's necessary. It's like there's a little dude on my shoulder telling me in my ear that if I detach again, I'm going to get cheated on again, because even though detachment is healthy and necessary with abusive people, the last time I detached she made me pay for it, and took it as a sign of not caring. Whew. That was a lot, and not all of it was relevant. Uh.....sorry?


“Anyone who has a continuous smile on his face conceals a toughness that is almost frightening.”

Posts: 1616 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
jjct
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Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 9:36 PM, July 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No, don't be sorry. At all.
I wonder what the little dude means though, the one

telling me in my ear that if I detach again, I'm going to get cheated on again,

Just guessing, it sounds like fear.
It's near
to the dude
on my dam shoulder.


Posts: 6021 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
MC_Jack
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Member # 35016
Default  Posted: 10:29 PM, July 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FP, like you, I was detached Pre-A. That had an impact on on post-A reaction. I also became a fantasy husband as well with all the HB, etc.

Because i had detached so much prior to the A, I must have realized that i had my own FOO issues and began working on them. But as I mentionned previously, i trapped myself with self-blame for the A. WW has never blamed me, just described how unhappy she was pre-A and admits she had choices other than an A, etc. If i had continued detachment post-A, i think my WW would have left.

Perhaps dissenting from above, i thing BH detachment is really when the WW is not remorseful and is manipulative. Detachment is about self-protection ultimately in the face of hostility and unfairness.

My path offers no prescription for others though. I have played the fantasy husband, and as part of that role I have set the expectation that my WW fix her shit and go to 2 more years of MC.

A long winded note here to say that the emotional approach to a remorseful WW needs to be different than with a remorseless bitch.


I am not a marriage counselor. I chose "MC Jack" in the spirit of a handle like "MC Hammer" or Young MC"...there is a lot of 'rapping' here, no? At the time I did not know what MC stood for on this site. Duh.

Posts: 792 | Registered: Mar 2012 | From: West Coast of Hopa-hopa-land
Shockedman
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Member # 39376
Default  Posted: 11:03 PM, July 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So I gave my wife the biggest gift I could ever give her. The power of SI. It has been 35 days since d-day and SI has been a constant source of power and strength for me and has helped me out a lot. We are separated and I thought about it a lot. Is she ready? I thought she was. I told her to check it out. She spent 2 hours on here and told me it "wasn't for her" She said it was just to sad and depressing for her. I guess she isn't ready to face it all yet.

She is doing her own "soul searching" reading bullshit books, like "Anatomy of the spirit". Not that it might not be a good book, but what about books like "Helping heal your partner after an affair" etc. I guess I thought she was in a better place and ready to truly face her self and her actions. I guess not. I think she is just floating around in limbo land and hopefully she will come back to this site when she is ready. I was SO hopeful that this could be a turning point for us, but each and every day, D seems like my only option. It makes me so sad, but reality is a bitch.

[This message edited by Shockedman at 11:03 PM, July 1st (Monday)]


Posts: 102 | Registered: May 2013
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 6:31 AM, July 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Shocked, have you seen this? -

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=324250&HL=25460

You could print it out & hand it to her, see where it goes.


Posts: 6021 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
atsenaotie
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Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 7:51 AM, July 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

...the emotional approach to a remorseful WW needs to be different than with a remorseless bitch.

I think the big difference is you may chose to work with a remorseful WW to try and reestablish communication, but should be buttressing the walls with remorseless WW and limiting communication to as little as possible. In either case, the BS must continue to take steps to protect himself.

Prior to dday I protected myself in the M with the equivalent of the Maginot line. I manned the big defenses; insurance, good job, my share of the household responsibilities, and meeting FWW’s expressed needs. Confident I was covered; I went about my life and did not see all insurgents coming across the borders of my M. My protection was out of date and ill-suited for the nature of the attack on my M. It never occurred to me that man representing from her work, her service club, a relative, could be attacking my M from within. Hell, most of the people she had an A with I helped out in one way or another during the A. In Nation-State speak she invited the insurgents in and committed treason.

Despite having a remorseful W, I now pay much more attention to protecting myself. Even if FWW is remorseful, I still risk being caught up in her drama and her issues. IT does not need to be an intentional attack to hurt.


LTA BS 53
FWW 60
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Reconciled

Posts: 3967 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
wert
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Member # 34478
Default  Posted: 8:15 AM, July 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Perhaps dissenting from above, i thing BH detachment is really when the WW is not remorseful and is manipulative. Detachment is about self-protection ultimately in the face of hostility and unfairness.

I disagree with this one.

I think the very first thing a BH should do is to emotionally say to themselves F-you to the WW. Doesn't matter if she is crying and slobbering, genuinely remorseful or cold and calculating. Doesn't matter. Why?
First, to make it clear to WW that behavior won't be tolerated. I think when people screw up it's good to put them in the dog house for a while, otherwise lessons don't get learned.
Second, It's a chance to get out if she is a tool or stay because you believe she can reinvent herself. Either way, detaching and separating off from her gives you distance to see it more clearly. When someone close to you, someone you before did not have to question, lie, cheats and steals from you, you need distance to see them clearly.
Third, self assessment. Where I am I in life? Do I really want this. Crisis, pain and tragedy, IMO, are for not if you don't learn from them and grow. Otherwise they are just crisis, pain and tragedy.
Fourth - this one is a bit more subjective - most WW aren't worth listening to and you are much better off being by yourself for a while. I mean they just talk shit and why listen to shit when it will just confuse you?

So, my two sense, it's almost always wise to detach. You got screwed, step back and take a few minutes, days, months or years to think about why and what you want to do differently - for yourself.

This all said, I am still with my W. She is learning and growing and I am starting to trust her again with each day. Detaching was one of the best things I ever did for myself and for her.

take care....



Posts: 1364 | Registered: Jan 2012
thinkingclear
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Member # 38884
Default  Posted: 8:24 AM, July 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Personally I see detachment and the 180 as different approaches. I think the 180 is perfectly appropriate for non-remorseful WW and especially those that are still in an A. Detachment I think can be of value for most BHs working with WWs.

Attachment to me can be described as a continuum that ranges from:

'I could care less about you' ←-→ 'I can't live life without you'

on opposite ends of the spectrum. Detachment then is moving the level of attachment towards the 'I could care less about you' end. Its a relative and continuously changing variable. It's not absolute or 'all or none'. I may be over simplifying it but it is how I tend to look at it.

I know I had an ‘appropriate’ level of attachment to my WW before her A. I think what FP describes is an appropriate level of attachment also. Most of us were probably in the right ballpark. Personally after D-day once I decided that I wasn’t going down without a fight, I instantly got stuck on the ‘I can’t live without you’ end of the spectrum. As we hear all of the ‘excuses’ as to why we failed our wives we feel the need to ‘fix’ those flaws so that this horrible pain will never visit us again. I also became “Super Husband” – loving, attentive and changed every ‘bad behavior’ that was on her excuse list. In a word I became desperate (pathetic would work too). As it has been said many times before, you can’t love them back into the M. I wish I knew that then.

My WW has not liked my detachment because she needs constant validation and she feels 'threatened' by my lack of willingness to 'fill her voids' for her. It is going to require some work on her part to adjust to the new equilibrium. It was never a sustainable or healthy solution anyway. I would agree that there is a risk that she will chose to leave or have another A especially if she doesn't work on her self. If either of those happen it is on her. I'll be fine either way. It is kind of like learning to swim. She is either going to sink or swim.

For me detachment has meant slowly moving along the spectrum back to healthy position to a point where my life doesn’t revolve around my WW and how she is behaving. I still care about her but I’m not ‘dependent’ on her. I’m not a codependent kind of guy, but her A sure made me act that way for awhile.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that, for me at least, detachment doesn’t mean I’m not present in the relationship or capable of being a healthy partner. In fact I’ve needed some detachment to become healthy for myself, which in turn will allow me to be a healthy partner. I think it is good advice for all married men to take care of themselves: work out, play golf, spend time with friends and find your own happiness. That is where I was before her A. That is where I’m working myself back to now. For me the peace has come when I finally realized that what ends up happening has very little to do with my own efforts, attributes and skills. The outcome is squarely on my WW. I never would have been able to see that without detachment. In many respects it is also an effort to 'catch up' with our WWs. They detached from us long ago.

[This message edited by thinkingclear at 9:10 AM, July 2nd (Tuesday)]


BS - Me
WW - Her
10 month EA/PA

Posts: 211 | Registered: Apr 2013
PowerGlo
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Member # 34132
Default  Posted: 10:36 AM, July 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No Escape -
As a final aside... if you have proof of her AFF shit or other exchanges with men after her come to jesus moment; brother you go right ahead and fucking blow the top off her religious persona-her pastor, church friends, family etc... lay that shit out man. Nuclear exposure. If nothing, it will at least vindicate you for the rest of your circle of family and friends from her vilifying you.

I've done this already. It's easy for me because all I ever have to do is stand on the truth. Everything I state is true. She has spent the past few years lying to cover up lies. This behavior can't stop because the lies come so easily to her that she believes her lies. I've beat my head against the wall trying to point this out but now I am free from that as well. She can lie to anybody she wants. It's sad though because her life is just one big lie that she'll carry with her for the rest of her life. She has Jesus though to forgive her so she can continue her behavior. She still doesn't get the part of repentance and to try and discontinue the behavior which caused all of this in the first place.


Married 27 years...
DDay #1 11/11/11 - AFF profile with 10-15 boy toys.
DDay #2 1/13/2012 - still at it with the AFF boys.
1/17/2014 - Divorced
I knew the moment had arrived
For killing the past and coming back to life


Posts: 133 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: NW Indiana
numb&dumb
♂ Member
Member # 28542
Default  Posted: 11:43 AM, July 2nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wert and TC beat me to the punch.

Detaching can create fear. What is the fear ? Fear of loosing your M ? Sorry to say, we all lost our M on Dday. We can build a new M, sure. With that being said, if you weren't M would you marry your WW today ? That is why letting go of the outcome is important. It helps neutralize that fear.

If you detach and she does it again or berates you for it, you have to decide if you really want a new M that looks like the old one. I know I don't.It is like something fell apart and I am putting it back together in a way I thought it should have been built in the first place.

Having that fear isn't bad. Working through that fear is growth. Realizing you can only control so much and making your peace with it.

Most people go through 2-3 M in their lifetimes (statistically speaking). I consider my current M my second M even though it involves the same people.

The second one is not perfect, but it is a whole lot better than the first. I know I survived the demise of my first M so with that knowledge I know I would survive if this one doesn't work out. I am not afraid of losing my current M because I lost one already. My W made the decision to help me realize that she is optional in my life. She always was, but I was too afraid to believe it. I believe it now. I find peace in that now. She will never find another H like me and she knows it. More importantly, I know it too. She already gave me a reason to leave the new M, so my conscience is clear. She now needs to give me many reasons to stay. If she doesn't what I am doing this for ? Being selfish and looking out for your own self interests are not the same thing. The first one is foolish, the second is wise.

I have shared these with my W under the understanding. It is not a threat, it is simply the truth for me.

Kind of abstract, but helps me to think of my M on those (my) terms.


Me-35 her-35

DS 1, DD 6
Dday 8/31/11. ONS that occurred 3 years earlier. Lied to for 3 years.

Every truth comes to light in a long enough timeline.


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