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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed Men - Part 11
numb&dumb
♂ Member
Member # 28542
Default  Posted: 3:02 PM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I really don't see why you would need to avoid pointing to your experience of pain when explaining that you are not interested in having an "A."

Well it usually comes back to that in longer discussions. I guess I was trying to get at that it becomes throwing it in her face kind of thing. Any time I bring up my pain, I see how much it hurts her. It is hard to talk about it without implying that I am better than her. Or remind her that she caused me a greater pain than I have ever felt. One extreme enough I couldn't live with doing that to someone else or worse yet someone else's BH.

I understand how sorry she is. I don't want to have the rest of my life dominated by this. It has taken enough already.


Me-35 her-35

DS 1, DD 6
Dday 8/31/11. ONS that occurred 3 years earlier. Lied to for 3 years.

Every truth comes to light in a long enough timeline.


Posts: 2457 | Registered: May 2010
noescape
♂ Member
Member # 34888
Default  Posted: 6:36 PM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Quick question to my brothers in limbo (or those who have had a spate of it), are there any guidelines for the 180 and sex? A cliff notes version would help. I find that during and right after sex I feel like breaking the wall of silence between us and scream something to the effect of "what the fuck is wrong with you, can't you see what you're doing to us/the kids...". Needless to say, she's a master compartmentaliser and PA who has no problems with detachment, in fact, she is absolutely loving the fact that we no longer talk about 'issues'. I've been detaching (keeping it to kids and finances) with much difficulty but getting better at it.

Posts: 739 | Registered: Feb 2012
SuperDuperWonderboy
♂ Member
Member # 34716
Default  Posted: 6:42 PM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ummm, in my opinion, the 180 and sex don't mix, kind of defeats the purpose of the 180 don't ya think?


My Friends call me Wonderboy--That's Mr. SuperduperWonderboy to you Tred.


Posts: 1267 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Everett
noescape
♂ Member
Member # 34888
Default  Posted: 6:55 PM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You mean, be celibate till I can bail?????

Posts: 739 | Registered: Feb 2012
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 7:15 PM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

do y'all remember the conversations about the c** towel? granted there's a time and a place, but for a while I feel its a needed diversion.

there's a whole lot of s*** to process through this. physical needs are not going to go away. does anyone else have suggested outlet?

regarding my comments on sobriety earlier, thanks for the support guys. I realize we're not all that sensitive. JJ just brought up a point that some of us are dealing with more than just her f*** ups.

Golf in Arizona in July? Wow brother that is just punishment.

strength


BH 50, WW 41
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 19(Hers),DS 8 Ours, DGS 2 1/2
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2083 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
SuperDuperWonderboy
♂ Member
Member # 34716
Default  Posted: 7:34 PM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Golf in July sucks in Arizona...but it's still better than not golfing. You just need to tee off by at least 6:00 a.m., or it's really gonna get hot. And don't waste time on practice swings or looking for balls. Get out of cart, hit ball, get back in cart, pour ice on head. Repeat for 18 holes.

Noescape: I don't know, maybe It's just me, but my 180 was a full blown, I give Zero Fucks about you. I sure as hell wasn't going to give her the satisfaction of any intimacy.

But that's just me.


My Friends call me Wonderboy--That's Mr. SuperduperWonderboy to you Tred.


Posts: 1267 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Everett
MoreWould
♂ Member
Member # 37982
Default  Posted: 7:40 PM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Warning. The 180 does not work with Emotionally Unavailable women. Mine liked it so I reversed course, was all over her all the time.


Me BH/WH, 63
Her WW/BW, 62
Her DDay Dec 1976 OMW at the door
My DDay, ~ 2years later, confessed ONS the next day
R via "Sweeping under the rug"
Still married, 40 yrs, mostly OK
2 kids, 24 & 20

Posts: 347 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Colorado
noescape
♂ Member
Member # 34888
Default  Posted: 8:09 PM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MW, the 180 is not to 'work on her', it's for my own well being. I expect nothing from her 180 or not. Yes, she's EU, only to me... But I'm not changing course from detachment since I can only take so much abuse.

Posts: 739 | Registered: Feb 2012
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 8:42 PM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yep. noescape nailed it.
That is the cliff note version.
The 180 is for you.

Is there such a thing as one thousand percent?
Then I agree with this that much.

I wouldn't wish the Dday pain on my worst enemy.

Posts: 6028 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
noescape
♂ Member
Member # 34888
Default  Posted: 9:30 PM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

wb, sometimes (most times these days) it's just sex, little or no intimacy. My question stems from "is there a prescription", not for the sake of a response from her, but for my 180 to be more effective (for me)

[This message edited by noescape at 9:31 PM, July 15th (Monday)]


Posts: 739 | Registered: Feb 2012
MoreWould
♂ Member
Member # 37982
Default  Posted: 9:38 PM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes,there is:

You mean, be celibate till I can bail?????

If you've decided to bail, then that's the path. If you've decided to save your M, and yourself, then 180.

Except, if you're dealing with an EU WW, 180 might be good for you but counterproductive to R and your M. Go over to the EU threads and read up if you're curious.

Wise man said here, "Your mileage may vary." Word.


Me BH/WH, 63
Her WW/BW, 62
Her DDay Dec 1976 OMW at the door
My DDay, ~ 2years later, confessed ONS the next day
R via "Sweeping under the rug"
Still married, 40 yrs, mostly OK
2 kids, 24 & 20

Posts: 347 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Colorado
Mikey56
♂ Member
Member # 38063
Default  Posted: 10:01 PM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What does EU stand for?

Thanks.


Posts: 108 | Registered: Jan 2013
mrmaximum
♂ Member
Member # 15965
Default  Posted: 10:26 PM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What does EU stand for?
Thanks.

It stands for Emotionally Unavailable.

Lurk much, post almost never. Carry on gentlemen.

[This message edited by mrmaximum at 10:27 PM, July 15th (Monday)]


You do not destroy the ones you love!!!
Best quote EVAR;
"Lose the battle, win the war" EZ4U

Posts: 63 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: Georgetown
Betrayed444
♂ Member
Member # 38389
Default  Posted: 10:44 PM, July 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

do y'all remember the conversations about the cum towel?

OOH OOH OOH
I DO I DO!!!
Raising hand

It meant I was 180 but instead of WW being a booty call I referred to her as nothing more than a cum towel for sex. I wasn't going to cheat and I wanted to use something. I had no more emotion for her than the towel after masturbation.

[This message edited by Betrayed444 at 10:49 PM, July 15th (Monday)]


Posts: 494 | Registered: Feb 2013
wert
♂ Member
Member # 34478
Default  Posted: 7:26 AM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I understand how sorry she is. I don't want to have the rest of my life dominated by this. It has taken enough already.

If I have anger left is it about this and not even the A so much anymore.

take care...



Posts: 1364 | Registered: Jan 2012
wert
♂ Member
Member # 34478
Default  Posted: 7:32 AM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ummm, in my opinion, the 180 and sex don't mix, kind of defeats the purpose of the 180 don't ya think?

I think it really matters what you goals are. I 180' and we had sex. Or I should say I did. It just happened to be with her. I got it done because I wanted to and my considerations at the time had nothing to do with her. It wasn't the same as we had before and it has changed back but during the 180 I did it for me as I was the focus of everything not my W. I wanted it.

If you see sex during the 180 as some connecting experience then yes it's a bad idea, but if you just do it because you want something to pound on, I say go for it.

None of that method works towards relationship building and true healing of the M, but at some point you have to figure out how the hell your going to sleep with them again. You may as well have fun trying.

take care...



Posts: 1364 | Registered: Jan 2012
wincing_at_light
♂ Member
Member # 14393
Default  Posted: 10:53 AM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you see sex during the 180 as some connecting experience then yes it's a bad idea, but if you just do it because you want something to pound on, I say go for it.

I agree with this. If I want to get laid, why should I cut my nose off to spite my face (i.e., "she doesn't deserve to touch my dick" or "this might send her the wrong message")?

Let her assume what she wants about what it might mean in terms of forging connection. She's already proven she's capable of creating rainbow fantasies as some guy's blow-hole, so you don't control that. But be prepared for "how could u fuck me and still want to leave" bullshit later -- because whole so many WS's spout the line about being able to fuck with no emotional attachments, they'd much rather be the fuck-er than the fuck-ee, apparently. Chicks don't dig realizing they're some guy's penis-cozy[*] unless they're the one's who control setting the terms in the relationship.

I mean, I wouldn't pressure her into sex or make promises about what it might lead to in terms of R. We're all adults here and get to fool ourselves however we want, right?

As always, I don't recommend this as a long-term relationship strategy, but neither is the 180. And similarly, if you can't use your WW's vaj like it's an apple pie and feel okay with it later, don't do it.

Don't become a user just because you've had a surge of blood in your dick, you know?


[*] Originally coined by LadyV.

[This message edited by wincing_at_light at 11:37 AM, July 16th (Tuesday)]


Machiavellian idiot savant

Posts: 6690 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Indiana
TDYAffair
♂ New Member
Member # 39837
Default  Posted: 11:36 AM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It has only been a couple weeks since I found out my wife slept with another man while she was away for work. They had a long phone/e-mail affair prior to them ending up in the same city for work, where the sex took place. We are attending marriage counseling and we both want the marriage to continue. My question to other men who have experienced a cheating wife and are still married, how do you ever get the images of her with another man out of your head? please tell me they will eventually go away. I also want to cry when I see her get out of the shower naked knowing another man has been there. Please help me understand.

Posts: 2 | Registered: Jul 2013
Long Gone
♂ Member
Member # 32587
Default  Posted: 11:40 AM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I justhad the chance to read that "Womans Infidelity" book.....downloaded it off the internet....

O_o

thats what I got from it.....

Anyone else read that heap pf weitrd shit?


D-Day 11/26/10

Posts: 753 | Registered: Jun 2011
wincing_at_light
♂ Member
Member # 14393
Default  Posted: 11:46 AM, July 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The "mind movies", as we call them, fade over time. It took me a few months of just grinding them down to get past them. What I mean by "grinding them down" is that I didn't shy away from the images as they cropped up -- I endured them until the movies and images didn't have any power anymore. See something traumatic often enough and it stops being traumatic, you know?

Your reaction to seeing your wife naked (tears now, likely due to feelings of loss -- the loss of the special bond you had in your relationship) is common. Tears will very likely turn to disgust at some point in the future. Neither of those states are permanent. Just phases you go through on a timeline:

Reserved just for me -> disgusting pig -> Why would I even want that fat/saggy/blotchy/really-hasn't-aged-well (whatever applies) cow? -> community doorknob, but I still have feelings for her -> Maybe not a slut, just an idiot -> Seems to have learned something -> She's okay -> I still sort of dig her -> Okay, I still dig her -> Let's stay married. -> I'm pretty happy half the time -> Been so long since I triggered, I don't remember when it was or what it was about -> Marrying you really was the best choice I ever made. -> I'm glad I stayed.

All of this presumes your wife isn't an idiot, of course. Might be too early to tell.


Machiavellian idiot savant

Posts: 6690 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Indiana
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