Well, turns out I have issues still and this is magnifying my grief, fear, anger, pain, and sadness. Lucky me. :) Well, at least I'm going to do it now, rather than later or never...
Everyone here kept asking and saying go to IC/MC. I didn't. I thought I was the "fixed" one because I didn't cheat. Well, it turns out it's harder to R with the baggage WE both brought to the M.
Is this the case for some of you, too?
Well, thanks everyone for the advice and support in the beginning when I first got here. I was too blinded by pain and anger to really work on myself. And, apparently R is really hard when we're not individually healed.
Well, I just wanted to share what I recently learned...
Good luck everyone sending loads of love to all of you!
[This message edited by libertyrocks at 12:24 PM, June 14th (Friday)]
So with my WH's latest A and the continued broken NC's it kept reinforcing the rejection of me until I completely spiraled down.
I am slowly getting better, but I have to do it on my own. I cannot look to my WH or any other man make me feel loved or whole. I am finding that acceptance within myself now.
I had father problems as well, where he was the "totalitarian" dad and everything was his way. And so frugal I'm amazed how healthy-physically-we all grew up, sometimes.
My mother is NPD and has fear of abandonment and finally as a grown up can see those traits in both of them.
One thing this has shown me, is that prior to A and now D, I was walking in my father's footsteps with DD-he was my primary role model, as my mother was busy with her two favorites, my other siblings.
Now I bend over backwards to end up somewhere in the middle, both in my life and in parenting and I see how my father could have relaxed-just a little-and my mother could have bent-just a little-but no one did.
There is a theory on having a totalitarian or dictator parent, where a child can grow up very codependent and that's me to a T. So you see, with Perv so NPD, it is so darn classic it's scary. We just walked into the roles and BAM!, as my parents did in their way a little, too.
What the difference can be, I think, is when we can admit to having issues, because we give ourselves a chance that way, whether a spouse will be in the future or not.
A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess
Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.
Its hard becuase my main FOO issues have been being abandoned, having my sense of safety and security destroyed, acting out negatively because I felt like I was being controled. Now I look into my marriage I brought those traits in Pre A and after her A it brought back all those emotions from when I was a 10 year old boy. I have been struggling the past few days with the feeling of safety and security. I feel my marriage is so volitile and frail. It isn't something I feel secure in yet. It totally sucks!! Our M is better but I still dont feel safe. So YEAH another thing I need to overcome. Trying to find the strength.
I needed IC and had been seeking it prior but not with the open mind after the A.
I was totally wack-o, IC is good for everyone IMO
The thing is, most of us learn to live with this stuff. Being cheated on is just a brutal blow, and of course it brings all the hurt and pain you've suffered right back up to the surface. Some of us live with stuff that will NEVER feel good to live with -- like infidelity, we just learn to live with it. Infidelity rips the wound open again and all of that original hurt just pours right out. My therapist keeps saying "I think that is a very old pain, a very old feeling", and she's right. And we tend to use the same coping mechanisms that we learned when little -- even if we know better.
Can I just say how much infidelity sucks? Again?
[This message edited by Blobette at 4:13 PM, June 14th (Friday)]
There's only so much therapy can do. A stable life is what I needed. I got an education, married, had children... WH was an emotionally abusive alcoholic but I didn't take it personally. It usually didn't threaten my well being. When I did feel my well being was threatened, the boys and I would pack up the truck and take an educational field trip (we homeschooled) until WH could play nice again. It was an agreement we had that worked. We called his other personality PJ (Psycho Jerk) and I would send an e-mail telling him to let us know when PJ was gone and where we'd be until then. I understood his FOO issues and he understood mine. WH worked hard to support his family, he respected my parenting, we had a great sex life, he was loyal...
We both came from extremely messed up families. Neither one of us has dealt with his A and it's aftermath well. I refused to waste any more time and money on more counseling when I could spend it having fun with my boys. WH's IC was actually destructive to our M. The first two MCs we tried were a waste of time and money. Eventually, we found a MC that was worth spending time and money on. We've been seeing him over a year.
Yes, FOO issues help make R challenging but I suspect I never would have married my WH to begin with if I hadn't had FOO issues. And, he would have probably never married me if I'd had a family I could have turned to for support. And if he hadn't had FOO issues, he probably wouldn't have married me either. We were both people who had survived abuse, overcome it, gotten educated, were living well, we're well traveled... We had so much in common, we understood each other and shared the same vision of our future together.
I didn't understand that he was an alcoholic. I didn't know much about alcoholism back then. He's been sober a year now. Now, maybe we can start to R. I have so much PTSD from the first year post A, sometimes even I don't want to be married to me now.
Is this the case for some of you, too?
Makes it all much harder....in so many ways. Stick with the self-work.
[This message edited by MC_Jack at 6:00 PM, June 14th (Friday)]
So yes, it's fair to say I have FOO issues but I worked through them. If anything, I resent that his cheating resurrected all the garbage I went through.
We each have had a few IC sessions with our MC. It does help that our counselor knows about my past and how much more of an impact his cheating has had due to it.
I have a long history of past issues. In addition, I have dysthymic disorder, OCD, and have struggled with PTSD in the past. I have been on continuous medication for the OCD and dysthymic disorder, but it cycles. When fiancé did what he did, things definitely got worse for me- and those are issues I came to the relationship with. I bring up my DD's dad and ex-fiancé a lot as well. I haven't been with either of those men in YEARS and had worked through a lot of that anger, and pain. When my current fiancé cheated, it triggered all of those old memories for me.
At least the current man "only" cyber-cheated.
"Love means never having to say you're sorry."
I can't even list all the FOO crap my WH's A brought to the surface for me. My IC said I had built so many walls to protect myself and was happily living in denial about just how bad my FOO issues were. When Dday happened, the atomic bomb that went off when I read his texts to OW knocked all those walls down and I couldn't put my FOO issues back into their happy, denial boxes I let them love in.
[This message edited by Ladyogilvy at 8:00 PM, June 16th (Sunday)]
I had NO IDEA our FOO issues would impact our adult relationships and rehash all the old pain, hurt, abandonment, and other negative feelings.
I feel like a baby lamb learning to walk...I'm learning so much here at SI.
Thank you for sharing. I know it's not easy.
I'm still "ignoring" the things that happened to me as a kid...
[This message edited by libertyrocks at 10:42 AM, June 17th (Monday)]
I mean--please show me somebody who grew up in a perfect home, happy all the time, never had pain or loss, never dealt with health problems or death, always got what they wanted, no money problems, had perfect relationships with siblings, etc. I don't know anybody who fits that description.
I was raised by a depressed alcoholic mother, and a father in denial. I'm the only living member of my family now, due to bad choices. My FWH's biological father died with HIV due to imprudent lifestyle choices for many many years. His mother is a sad & angry woman, and his step dad a pathological liar.
So-- so yes, I think FOO issues have an impact on healing, but I think everybody has to come to terms with something,
Gotta love the life that we livin'