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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: wh molested as a child...
sri624
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Member # 33956
Default  Posted: 12:25 PM, June 14th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just learned in a very emotional talk with my h that he was sexually molested by an uncle as a kid when he was 7. It was a painful discussion...he never told anyone.

I have compassion for him. He is already in ic...but i cant help but wonder if his addictions and infedelities are linked??

I want to be sure not to blameshift, rug sweep or make excuses for his unacceptable behavior.

Thought? Not sure what to make of this news????


BS (41):(Former Doormat)
WS (39):(Busted Cheater)
Married: 10 years, 3 kids under 5
DD1: 10/11 PA/EA with pilates instructor/former stripper.
DD2: 10/12 False r, cheating with other women, online dating,Substance abuse issues.
R:Last chance

Posts: 973 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Alabama
Conflicted1
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Member # 39019
Default  Posted: 12:57 PM, June 14th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sri. My WH too revealed sexual abuse from childhood after a dday we had a couple of years ago. Even though it may contribute to the coping skills that got you both to this place make no mistake that the admission itself is the thing to keep it from happening again. We thought we had it figured out and spent two years in counseling but when new bigger stress hit that he didnt know how to handle he went back to his default way of trying to self medicate.


Honesty is a very expensive gift. Don't expect it from cheap people.

Posts: 101 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Me=BW 45
UnexpectedSong
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Member # 21761
Default  Posted: 12:58 PM, June 14th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Read the sexual abuse thread in the "I Can Relate" forum.


WW(SA)
"Feedback is the breakfast of champions." - Boris Becker

Posts: 6100 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: California
doesitgetbetter
♀ Member
Member # 18429
Default  Posted: 2:22 PM, June 14th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H was abused as a child, so was I. H was never addicted to anything ever, still never has been. I have been on many things (drugs, alcohol, cigarettes) but never addicted to anything (could stop anytime, and have multiple times, haven't had a smoke or drug in over 16 years, haven't had a drink in almost a decade). H cheated, I have never.

Yes, I will agree that it certainly plays a part, but it is not the reason why someone cheats. They don't cheat because they were molested. They may cheat because of the shame they carried that made them feel not good enough to be in a relationship, or they may cheat because they felt they were just a sexual object and they were supposed to perform whenever anyone approached them, or many other reasons RELATED to being molested, but not simply because they were molested.

I hope that makes sense.

It's good that H told you, this can help you two be so much closer and have less secrets between the two of you.


DDay - Dec '07
Me - BS
Him - FWS
Us - Committed
May 18, 2010 - I forgave him fully!
"Behold, I have refined thee, but not with silver; I have chosen thee in the furnace of affliction." Isaiah 48:10

Posts: 3859 | Registered: Feb 2008
catlover50
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Member # 37154
Default  Posted: 8:08 PM, June 14th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Sri624)))

I too learned this about my H after Dday. I have read a lot about it and both my H and I have dealt with it in IC and MC.

I have learned that, like anything else, boys can be damaged in different ways. Not everyone reacts the same. Of course the degree of abuse can vary. From what I understand age 7 and an uncle are both particularly difficult. And of course abuse can have life long effects that can be profound.

My H has learned that his abuse, which was by his mother's boyfriend from age 8-10, which his mother apparently ignored, caused him to have dismissive attachment, profound fear of control, fear of intimacy, the ability to compartmentalize, be selfish, have poor self esteem and made him withdraw when he sensed criticism.
If you were to make a list of wayward requirements you could not do better!

So yes, I believe the CSA had a lot to do with the infidelity. We talk about WSs being broken, and nothing breaks a person quite so effectively.

That can help explain why but it still is no excuse. There is that much more work to do to heal. I do find that it helped me feel some compassion, however.

Good luck to you both.



Dday -9/24/2012
Reconciling

Posts: 1748 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: northeast
sri624
♀ Member
Member # 33956
Default  Posted: 11:40 PM, June 14th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i am so happy to have friends like all of you on this site. you always give good, honest advice, feedback and suggestions...exactly what i need.

he is seeing his ic for his foo issues. i can clearly see that he has a lot of issues that have nothing to do with me.

just wish he didnt cheat, you know?


BS (41):(Former Doormat)
WS (39):(Busted Cheater)
Married: 10 years, 3 kids under 5
DD1: 10/11 PA/EA with pilates instructor/former stripper.
DD2: 10/12 False r, cheating with other women, online dating,Substance abuse issues.
R:Last chance

Posts: 973 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Alabama
Althea
♀ Member
Member # 37765
Default  Posted: 1:17 PM, June 15th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH disclosed that he had been inappropriately touched by two older boys at two different times when he was 5-6 years old. He never told anyone, and learned to compartmentalize effectively very early on. He also became very concerned that because this happened he was in someway homosexual even though he never felt attracted to men. As a result, he felt an extraordinary need for female validation. Given this info, his A makes A LOT of sense. That being said, I wouldn't trust for a second that because he shared this information that we are somehow immune from him cheating again. Coming to terms with the abuse gives him a clear idea as to his individual vulnerabilities and lack of coping skills, through MC we are working on a relationship vulnerabilities; but there are no guarantees.


Taking it one day at a time.

Posts: 457 | Registered: Dec 2012
Memphis
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Member # 39303
Default  Posted: 2:03 PM, June 15th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've only been married for a little over a year after my first marriage which was 35 years. Since, I've learned that there was incest within my new H's family . . . beginning with his father,to his sisters, and then his sisters to my H. My H was only about 10 years old when it started. I get very angry when I think about this. His sisters come across as if they have all the answers to the world's problems . . . yet the destruction to each of their family members goes beyond any understanding. My H can distance himself emotionally very easily. Even when we talk about his past discretions. I have never cheated on him. My goodness . . . !!!! I will / would never !!! I'm still a newly wed and desire him with every ounce of my being. Yet, I know there is a detactment that I don't know he'll every get over or fix. He tells me that he doesn't know how to love. AND he has no reason to go anywhere (to be in another's arms). I've created a beautiful loving home and a warm bed. Nonetheless, he needed to cheat. I'm trying to fix this. I've been here for three months since and we talk about the future, yet I know it won't take much for me to walk away at this point. We are on such thin ice. How far does this molestation thing go? How far do we make it the excuse and allow things to go on as this is how life is suppose to be? He has never said that molestation was his issure, but how can't it be?

Posts: 11 | Registered: May 2013
ThoughtIKnewYa
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Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 2:15 PM, June 15th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

They are absolutely linked. Sexual abuse shatters a child.

Please watch this video on what sexual abuse has to do with addiction and infidelity:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G-BB2ylI8EU


Posts: 11742 | Registered: Mar 2008
Mama_of_3_Kids
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Member # 26651
Default  Posted: 3:11 PM, June 15th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

While it may be linked in some situations, it's not the case for all. Example-I was molested by three different people as a child (for a time period of around six years) and I've never been a Wayward, but I've been Betrayed twice (by a serious bf in high school and by Do3K).


Me: FBW/30 Him: FWH/33 The kidlets: DS13, DS10, and DD8 The hounds: Four Shih Tzu's
Finally, completely R'd
Clothed in strength and dignity, with nothing to fear, she smiles when she thinks about the future.~Proverbs 31:25

Posts: 11581 | Registered: Dec 2009
20WrongsVs1
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Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 4:39 PM, June 15th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Abuse during our formative years re-wires our brain, and while we all cope in different ways: addiction and sexual deviancy are common.

Has he told his C? It may affect his treatment.

I recommend reading The Sexual Healing Jouney by Wendy Maltz. It is comforting to know that other CSA survivors have had similar life experiences and thoughts.


fWW: 42
BH: 52
DDay: April 21, 2013
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1228 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
metamorphisis
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Member # 12041
Default  Posted: 8:27 PM, June 15th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Abuse during our formative years re-wires our brain, and while we all cope in different ways: addiction and sexual deviancy are common.

This needs repeating. Not EVERYONE will react in the same ways. Just like not everyone who experiences anything in life will take away the same lessons. But it is very very common for sexual abuse to be related to self harm in any number of ways.



“We don't see things as they are; we see them as we are.”... Anais Nin

Posts: 44934 | Registered: Sep 2006
AppleBlossom
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Member # 38541
Default  Posted: 7:52 PM, June 16th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My SO revealed that he had been SA as a child from the ages of around 6 to 12. It was by a male cousin. From there, his inappropriate use of sex as a tool and a coping strategy was in full force. His parents did not protect him out of ignorance, and when he started to act out at school he was punished for the acting out, rather than the root of the cause identified.

He was unfaithful to his ex-wife all through his marriage with prostitutes and OW (around 4-6 that I am aware of, one that he kept going back to over a period of about 12 years) and then used prostitutes during a period of our relationship.

After I found out (he pocket dialled me while he was fucking a prostitute...nice) my world imploded. But so did his. He went through a very painful period of finally facing up to the abuse and the effect that it had had on him all his adult life. We both did a lot of research and he had a ton of counselling.

Yes, he had options and choices, but when something as horrendous as that happens at such a young and tender age, of course it will have ramifications.

After a lot of soul searching, I decided to support my SO as he went through the initial process of working this out, and during that time we put our relationship on hold.

That was last October, and now I see a changed man before me. Every single facet of his life is different. His relationship with me, with his workplace, his ex-wife, his kids, my kids - but more importantly HIMSELF.

He grew up believing and knowing in his heart that he was dirty and wicked and not worth protecting or loving. Now he loves himself, values himself and is not afraid to fight for what he wants. One of this "things" is a loving and healthy relationship with me. I too have had to face some demons, and have had to have the strength to see hiim through this, while at the same time valuing what I need, and keeping myself safe.

We now have an extraordinarily close and loving relationship. We have both worked very, very hard on it, and there is no way I would have reconciled with him had he not worked hard. At this point, I can honestly and truthfully say I am glad it happened, glad it found out. I would never have had this wonderful man that I could always see beneath the grief had I not.


Posts: 154 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Australia
ThoughtIKnewYa
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Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 8:13 PM, June 16th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess I should re-state what I said. If your H was sexually abused as a child and went on to become SA and have As, the two are definitely linked. As others have pointed out, not ALL abused kids will go on to be SA or have As. I, too, am an example of that, as I was first molested at the age of five and have never been wayward.


Posts: 11742 | Registered: Mar 2008
20WrongsVs1
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Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 8:54 AM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

AppleBlossom, thanks for sharing this.

He grew up believing and knowing in his heart that he was dirty and wicked and not worth protecting or loving. Now he loves himself, values himself and is not afraid to fight for what he wants
.

You say he transformed in about 6 months? That gives me great hope, thanks again.

TIKYa: Yes, but I hope nobody would interpret your post, or mine, as saying every CSA victim is predestined to cheat. I'm sorry you went through that as a little kid.

[This message edited by 20WrongsVs1 at 8:55 AM, June 17th (Monday)]


fWW: 42
BH: 52
DDay: April 21, 2013
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1228 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
2married2quit
♂ Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 9:20 AM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

sri621 - I feel your pain


My wife told me years ago, but I (in my ignorance) didn't think it really hurt her much. She told me there was some molestation but that was it. Didn't give me details of much. It hurt in my heart but she was a "normal" woman. Still, didn't want to have much sex at all, me thinking all women are like this.


YES, there is a CONNECTION!!! Not all molested children grow up to be WS, but the link IS there. CONTROL is the word. Sexual deviation. She views men in a VERY non-healthy way. Her OM was safe, she controlled and the only way she knew how to express her attraction to him was sexual. She wanted to keep it non-emotional and a secret. It backfired.

She hid the molestation for years, till this day. I am the only one that knows (other than IC). She grew up compartmentalizing in order to deal with it, grew up with a hidden shame, guilt, dirtiness, unworthiness, self loathing, with a hidden depression. These are all part of the downward fall if never dealt with.

Now she has to deal with what she did, the destruction of our home by HER doing. The destruction of the OM's home, the shame, the guilt, the self loathing while the past comes busted open from its hidden compartment in her brain.

caused him to have dismissive attachment, profound fear of control, fear of intimacy, the ability to compartmentalize, be selfish, have poor self esteem and made him withdraw when he sensed criticism.

As quoted above from a previous poster, this is what she is now. Making our R very very hard. To the point where she feels nothing, is selfish and wants to separate so she can be alone. In her head she sees me as a fuck buddy or some f'd up shit like that. Needless to say, what a monster did to my wife, f'd my wife up and me now. Our children hurt too. :(


In lots of prayer.

[This message edited by 2married2quit at 9:22 AM, June 17th (Monday)]


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1391 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
2married2quit
♂ Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 4:41 PM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Here's the thread for abuse situation. Makes lots of sense:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=440930


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1391 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
AppleBlossom
♀ Member
Member # 38541
Default  Posted: 6:51 PM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey Sri, I am glad that you have found some support here. It is so helpful to have people that really understand.

I wouldn't say that his transformation happened in six months. He ended his marriage of 23 years over four years ago, and that precipitated some changes, but he never faced the true cause of his issues. I knew of his infidelity while married, and like the innocent that I was assumed that our great and special luurve would mean that had ended.

in the last four years he has dealt with things on the surface, so I guess the groundwork was done. He knew things intelectually, but never really authenticated or demonstrated what he had learned. It was like "yes, I know this is what I should be doing and feeling, but I am choosing not to".

It wasnt until that horrible, horrible night when I heard what I did and he saw my grief and pain, and what he had lost that he was slapped to his senses.

The night he told me about the extent of the abuse was so sad and heart wrenching. From that night on he has worked so hard on making his world okay. In terms of our reconcilation, he has never EVER made excuses for his actions. He has been completely open with his phone, computer, he sends me copies of agendas and details of meetings and business trips, photos of people he is with with date stamps. He answers my questions over and over with total patience. So there is no way he gets a leave pass just because he was abused as a boy. As someone else here said, abuse does not always lead to infidelity. It was his choice to behave that way, but after doing it since he was 13 years old (having sex with his sister's friend at the same time as having a girlfriend) its very very hard to change those responses.

The only other thing I would add is that while my pain has been expressed and not shut down at all, I have never judged him or spoken disrespectfully to him. When I have been angry, I have just been angry. I have expressed my feelings without having to insult or denigrate him. We set some rules down for communication very early on so that we could manage our way through this. The secret to all this is that we were both fullly and wholly committed to reconciliation between and of ourselves.

I do hope that you and your partner are able to work through this. I am so sorry for your pain, and the pain that your husband experienced as a boy.


Posts: 154 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Australia
2married2quit
♂ Member
Member # 36555
Default  Posted: 2:35 PM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My question is, if our WS was molested as a child, is our R different than others? Should we follow the same process? Is there a different route?


BS - Me 43 WS - Her 41
DDAY - June 2012 (found the texts)
DDAY2 - Next Day (found out who) EA
TT- till 9/2012 (some PA)
Married 20yrs. 2kids
Status: in careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels

Posts: 1391 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: USA
sri624
♀ Member
Member # 33956
Default  Posted: 3:51 PM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

good question. I just left my ic and told her about this...she told me..."that explains so much...and puts the pieces together." she said that most of her patients who have been sexually molested like my husband go on to have issues such as acting out sexually, trouble with intimacy, crimnal behavior, and issues with shame and self worth.
she said not all of them go on to cheat, or do bad things...but the percentage of them having some serious emotional issues is overwhelmingly high. she said his cheating is inexcusable...he had a choice and decided to make the wrong one...but that his molestation does play a huge role and cannot be ignored. he needs to continue his ic.

i have compassion for him...but i still do hurt terribly by what he has done.

and i do also wonder if that makes my journey to healing different? it all hurts.


BS (41):(Former Doormat)
WS (39):(Busted Cheater)
Married: 10 years, 3 kids under 5
DD1: 10/11 PA/EA with pilates instructor/former stripper.
DD2: 10/12 False r, cheating with other women, online dating,Substance abuse issues.
R:Last chance

Posts: 973 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Alabama
Topic Posts: 40
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