Sorry this is long....
He wasn't into MC before but now he seemed gung ho. The fact is, it was another crumb. I took it again. I keep saying I'm not going to take it, but I took it again. At this point I just feel like I'm re-assaulting myself by participating in whatever the hell this is with him. For me it's not a game, we have a child. For him...he could do this shit forever. But if it's true that NC=No New Hurts, then that's where I'm headed.
We went to see an Imago MC. A good one. Expensive. His name has been mentioned here in this forum before. Good guy...we don't really get into the meat of the problems, or the A, we just work on communicating. Mirroring. The counselor asks me to start...anything I want. I say, I need to be able to ask you about the details about your A. You answering questions will help me heal. You not answering questions makes me feel there is still a part of your life you are keeping secret. You are still protecting something, hiding something..lies by omission.
He replies that doing that is like toiling soil in the desert. He says, "I'm done. Done with all of this. Done with us fighting all the time. Coming here so we can have a referee." The MC says, then why are you here? When the MC continues to prod him he says, "I flipped a switch and turned off my emotions for you a while ago. I can't switch them back on. I just don't love you in that way."
The MC says, "so when you say you are done, what do you mean?" He cannot answer. The MC asks me to tell him what I am hearing. I say, "what I hear is that you don't love me, you want a divorce, and you want to be free."
He says, "No, that's not what I'm saying. I do love you. I don't want a divorce, and I will never be free."
I tell the MC to excuse my french, but I feel like I'm getting mind fucked and I can actually feel my brain being penetrated while this is happening. This isn't the first time I've heard the ILYBINILWY, but this time it's more creative.
The MC backs him into a corner, asks him what he does want...do you want to be separated? Living in separate houses but not a divorce? Living in the same house but in separate rooms? He cannot answer. He says he knows divorce is inevitable. He says he totaled the marriage. He says even if I say I want to work on it that's not what I really mean and I will change my mind.
The MC says he suggests that we don't leave the marriage for 6 months, that we don't murder each other, don't commit suicide, don't go crazy, take divorce off the table, don't turn to drugs or alcohol, no contact with OW. He says, if you two don't work on your problems now you will end up in other relationships reliving these problems. He says come back next week and tell me if you want to do the 6 month thing. WS makes the next appointment.
I walk out of there thinking, why, why make another appointment? In my world, saying I don't have feelings like that for you...that seems to indicate that you don't want to be in the relationship. Why keep up the charade? To have someone to fall back on? It hurts.
We leave MC and he says, let's go to breakfast. We get in my car. I start driving and then something comes over me. I think, why am I going to bkfast, he just told me he doesn't love me like that. I start turning around. He says, where are you going. I say, I'm taking you back to your car. I drop him off and he slams the door like I'm the one who just told him I don't love him like that.
He spends the day sending me these texts:
Him: "I'm sorry"
Me: "Don't be sorry. I'm glad you were honest."
Him: "I said a lot but I guess you just got one thing out of it"
Me: "We shouldn't go back. It confuses me because it makes me think that by going there is hope and possibility where there is none. Thank you for participating, but it just makes me confused."
Him: "I'm confused too."
Him:"I'm having a real hard time pulling it together today...I can't hardly stop crying and I miss my boy [DS] so much."
Him: "Sorry I pissed you off this morning. I don't think I said what I feel. Just what I'm thinking in my crazy brain."
Today he writes:
Him: "Just for the record, I do love you. Tell DS I love him too"
I just can't anymore. I'm tired...looking for an IC for myself and focusing my efforts on myself now. I don't think I can sit with the MC again and keep hearing this stuff. It's sad. We have a baby. But it doesn't matter...I'm not confused about what I need in a partner.
Please bring on 2x4's or translations. I know it's all cake eating and bullshit. But please feel free to remind me.