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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Am I Over Reacting?
IGaveItMyAll
♂ Member
Member # 38622
Default  Posted: 2:19 PM, June 14th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was already having a rough day at work. My W works at a restraunt/bar so I popped in after work to see her because we had limited time with each other this week. I get there she isn't wear her wedding ring (She usually wear a different ring because she doesn't want to mess up her real ring from the chemicals in the washing station) but she forgot the other ring. That was my first observation. Then she is standing next to me and calls the bartender "babe, can I get my drink." She did this twice. She calls me "babe" so I got pissed (Especially since her AP was her coworker and the bartender) I Triggered Hard. Then I am about to leave and I meet one of her co-workers who was a complete $&%%hole to me. But he was someone who used to party in the group of people she would hangout with during her A. So I got pissed and started to think about how she probably talked crap about me to him. She noticed I got mad and told me to cheer up. After all that she called me to ask if she could go grab a drink with her girl friend after work. I was super mad and hurt yesterday. When she got home we talked about it and she felt like I was beating her up about her A. I was really calm talking about all this stuff. I noticed her anxiety kicked in. At the end of our conversation I told her I missed feeling safe and secure in our marriage. Man what a night.... Man when will this roller coastr stop.


ME-BS 34
FWW-28
M 6 Yrs
DDAY- 8/20/12
R

Posts: 332 | Registered: Mar 2013
heartache101
♀ Member
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 2:40 PM, June 14th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IGaveitmyall

I am sorry. I can't understand any woman not wearing her wedding ring. For any reason. That is just me.

Second, I call everyone babe 'cept my husband. I call him by his first name. Kinda weird.


There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3188 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
libertyrocks
♀ Member
Member # 38924
Default  Posted: 2:46 PM, June 14th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

W. T. F. ?
Are you kidding me??
No, that is not ok.
She needs to wear her ring.
I would NEVER call another man babe. Just out of sheer respect.

Is she an alcoholic?

And, no, drinking with her girlfriend post A, not okay. By any means.

I may be further out than you. But, I too let my bartender H go out post A. You want to know what it did to me? It literally ate me up inside.

I think you need to set some boundaries, man. Seriously, do you want to trigger every time she goes to work? And, if you could afford it, she needs a new job. We really couldn't afford his new job, but at the cost of my sanity, we MADE it work. I was supporting both of us and our kids while he looked and got a new job.

I've been in your exact spot. Now, my FWH has a new job, new phone, new number, new friends, new priorities and is not allowed to have even one drink. Period. Those are the conditions on which he got to stay with me. Plus IC/MC, and 12step/AA. The works. He's getting a complete overhaul.

Also, with the opposite sex at work, I blatenly told H he's not allowed to make friends with other women. At least for a while...

[This message edited by libertyrocks at 4:00 PM, June 14th (Friday)]


Me-BW 36. STBXH-35,Recovering Alcoholic, M6yrs T13. Boys 2 & 4 1/2.
DDay #1 Nov,2012. 1 1/2 year false R & TT. 10 OW PA's 1LTA (W lied to) 3 years.
S Nov, 2013 again Jan,2014
Filed for D Feb,2014.

Posts: 962 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: So Cal, baby. :)
mysticpenguin
♀ Member
Member # 38839
Default  Posted: 3:17 PM, June 14th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think you are overreacting at all!

I forget to wear my rings sometimes. In fact I took them off four days ago to avoid getting them dirty and haven't remembered to put them back on yet! Whoooops.

HOWEVER.... I would never ever in a million years call a male coworker a pet name (babe, sweetie, honey, etc). Female coworkers and friends? Sometimes they'll get a "hon" or a "sweetie." But to call a male coworker "babe" or "sweetie" etc is BLATANTLY flirting. Your WW may think of it as harmless flirting but IMO there is no such thing as harmless flirting -- not when one of the flirters has boundaries and self-esteem weak enough to have gone wayward in the past.

Also -- she is GUILT TRIPPING you about bringing this stuff up. ("Woe is me, you are beating me up about the affair I had, with which I betrayed you and broke your heart!" Give me a break!) If she were truly remorseful, she would be eager to make you feel safe and secure. That's the LEAST she can do for you. I mean -- you're triggering and she literally tells you to cheer up, then makes you feel bad for having concerns when she gets home? She needs to dig deeper in R.


Betrayed

Posts: 306 | Registered: Mar 2013
Kelany
♀ Member
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 3:24 PM, June 14th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She should not be working in that environment at all. Very disrespectful to your marriage.


BS - Me
SA/FWH Him
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking


Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
IGaveItMyAll
♂ Member
Member # 38622
Default  Posted: 5:28 PM, June 14th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

she is GUILT TRIPPING you about bringing this stuff up. ("Woe is me, you are beating me up about the affair I had, with which I betrayed you and broke your heart!" Give me a break!) If she were truly remorseful, she would be eager to make you feel safe and secure. That's the LEAST she can do for you. I mean -- you're triggering and she literally tells you to cheer up, then makes you feel bad for having concerns when she gets home? She needs to dig deeper in R.
Thats how I feel. I feel like she is kind of 1/2 assing Reconciliation. I got off the phone with her today and she said she feels like I am trying to control her (Those are some of her FOO issues) and that she isn't doing anything wrong anymore. I told her being in a relationship there is something called boundaries. She destroyed my boundaries. Am I ok with her hanging out with co-workers... NOPE!!! That is how her A started. I have told her that. She wants to participate in events with her work. I told her I am not comfortable with her having involvment is activities that include opposite sex co-workers without me being involved. Sometimes I worry this is too much for her. She said she doesn't want to feel trapped. Which all this crap reminds me of her Wayward attitude when this began. I told her I want to feel safe. I need more from her. I need to feel love from her and sometimes throughout the day I want to know she is thinking about me. I really am starting to get unhappy and questioning R. All I am asking for is a whole lot of love and affection. I give that to her. I am super frustrated. Also I asked she read up on this stuff, I asked her to write me a list of things I do that make her feel controlled. Her answer is always I don't have time for that which what she is really saying to me is = I don't care enough to really dig in. She just told our MC that she feels I am trying to force her therapy. Truth is I am because she isn't pushing it.


ME-BS 34
FWW-28
M 6 Yrs
DDAY- 8/20/12
R

Posts: 332 | Registered: Mar 2013
RKT429SS
♂ Member
Member # 28883
Default  Posted: 6:05 PM, June 14th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

180

Man up.

I'm serious. PERIOD. NOW.

She should not be working in that environment at all. Very disrespectful to your marriage.
<<<Bingo


Me - BS 38
Her - WS 37
MOM - coworker,with 2 kids, EA&PA approx. 6 mo
Us Married 10 yrs (together 15 yrs)
1 girl, 1 boy
DDay 3.15.2010
Working on R

Posts: 217 | Registered: Jun 2010
IGaveItMyAll
♂ Member
Member # 38622
Default  Posted: 6:09 PM, June 14th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How Do I do that?

[This message edited by IGaveItMyAll at 6:09 PM, June 14th (Friday)]


ME-BS 34
FWW-28
M 6 Yrs
DDAY- 8/20/12
R

Posts: 332 | Registered: Mar 2013
IGaveItMyAll
♂ Member
Member # 38622
Default  Posted: 6:28 PM, June 14th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

180
Man up.

I'm serious. PERIOD. NOW

Ok I looked it up in the healing Library. On it!!! Totally doing this starting now.


ME-BS 34
FWW-28
M 6 Yrs
DDAY- 8/20/12
R

Posts: 332 | Registered: Mar 2013
kansas1968
♀ Member
Member # 32214
Default  Posted: 6:38 PM, June 14th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is way, way, to early in this healing process for her to be treating you in such a cavalier way and not understanding how insecure you are right now. She should be bending over backwards not to do anything to cause you alarm or stress.

To know that you were already upset and then call and want to go out for a drink with her friends. No, no, and, NO. She should have rushed home and talked to you and explained any actions that made you uneasy.

WSs always want this to just go away. They do not want to live with the consequenses that come with an affair. They think everything should just go back to normlal. They had their fun, it is over, they are with you, so what is the problem. Until they really get it, then they will not be able to help you heal.
A agree. I think a 180 is is order. She is not afraid of losing you, so she thinks she can do what she wants and you will just stay. Time to rattle her cage. If she really loves you and thinks you might be leaving the marriage, she will shape up and do anything to keep that from happening. So sorry this is so rough, but it is a living hell, really.


Me - BS
Him - FWS
DD - December 14, 2010
Married 43 years 1/14/2011
Affair lasted 7+ years
Affair had been over for 2 years before I found out. OW sent me a letter.

Posts: 1320 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Kansas
Rebreather
♀ Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 6:42 PM, June 14th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'd also suggest a tip toe down to the I Can Relate forum and the Betrayed Men thread.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6581 | Registered: Jan 2011
IGaveItMyAll
♂ Member
Member # 38622
Default  Posted: 6:45 PM, June 14th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((Rebreather)) Thanks I will. You always got good advice for me. I appreciate it.


ME-BS 34
FWW-28
M 6 Yrs
DDAY- 8/20/12
R

Posts: 332 | Registered: Mar 2013
DixieD
♀ Member
Member # 33457
Default  Posted: 8:44 PM, June 14th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IGIMA, you've said in a few threads that your wife is remorseful but you didn't explain how she actually was. And honestly it didn't seem like she was based on her actions, or lack of action. Regret maybe, remorse no.

What you have written here demonstrates that lack of remorse. She doesn't get it. She wants you to get over this quickly and with little consequences for what happened. That doesn't mean she couldn't become remorseful at some point, but WS need to drive R and it doesn't sound like she's doing that.

All I am asking for is a whole lot of love and affection.

You need more than this. Seriously, a dog can be a loving and affectionate companion. You need a partner, who is willing to carry their own weight and is capable of making you feel safe at some point. If your wife is unable to do that you have to get to a place where you could walk away and know you would be ok.

Sorry IGIMA, and no, you aren't overreacting.

[This message edited by DixieDevastated at 9:06 PM, June 14th (Friday)]


Growing forward

Posts: 1767 | Registered: Sep 2011
gonnabe2016
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 9:16 PM, June 14th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IGIMA, your WW calling the bartender "babe" is the least of your worries right now. She sees that you're upset and her response is to tell you to "cheer up?" And then a couple of hours later calls to 'ask permission' to go out for drinks after work? Seriously? Wow. Way to completely dismiss and disregard your feelings. You're biggest problem is that she's acting like a douche.

It's time for you to change your strategy. Right now it seems that you are operating in *react* mode. Stop it. It is now time to get pro-active. She is jerking you around so much right now that *I* was feeling completely jerked around just reading your words.

You have to take control here and you don't do that by trying to *work* with her because she is just not in *partner* mode...she's way too busy seeing you as "mean daddy who is SUCH a buzz-kill." Honestly, she sounds incredibly immature. Don't bother to ask again for the "how do I control you" list because even if she finds time to write it....it's going to be so full of bullshit that your head's gonna explode. I, too, was accused of being uber-controlling. And it really confounded me so I wrote a note to Sultan that was titled "If I am so controlling then why...." and I went on to list about a page and a half of events that had not turned out the way that *I* wanted them to. He never did address that list....other than to loudly exclaim a few weeks later that I had given him a list of all of the ways that HE had controlled me. It is just crazy-making bullshit.

I think that it's time to elucidate to your WW that she is free to do what she wants as far as working and going out, but you have certain notions of what you want in a wife and that the choices that she makes may mean that you have to decide that you can no longer be married to her. If her choices aren't congruent with what you desire in a wife, then the marriage may need to end....grace, grace...no harm/no foul.

You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink and if you keep shoving his face into the water....he's gonna end up getting pretty pissed off at you and will most likely end up kicking you in the face. Right now your WW is the horse that you are forcing to drink. And she sees you as 'controlling' and 'trapping' her and 'forcing' her into therapy. Dude, let go of the reins.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8114 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
Topic Posts: 14

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