I am sorry. I can't understand any woman not wearing her wedding ring. For any reason. That is just me.
Second, I call everyone babe 'cept my husband. I call him by his first name. Kinda weird.
Is she an alcoholic?
And, no, drinking with her girlfriend post A, not okay. By any means.
I may be further out than you. But, I too let my bartender H go out post A. You want to know what it did to me? It literally ate me up inside.
I think you need to set some boundaries, man. Seriously, do you want to trigger every time she goes to work? And, if you could afford it, she needs a new job. We really couldn't afford his new job, but at the cost of my sanity, we MADE it work. I was supporting both of us and our kids while he looked and got a new job.
I've been in your exact spot. Now, my FWH has a new job, new phone, new number, new friends, new priorities and is not allowed to have even one drink. Period. Those are the conditions on which he got to stay with me. Plus IC/MC, and 12step/AA. The works. He's getting a complete overhaul.
Also, with the opposite sex at work, I blatenly told H he's not allowed to make friends with other women. At least for a while...
[This message edited by libertyrocks at 4:00 PM, June 14th (Friday)]
I forget to wear my rings sometimes. In fact I took them off four days ago to avoid getting them dirty and haven't remembered to put them back on yet! Whoooops.
HOWEVER.... I would never ever in a million years call a male coworker a pet name (babe, sweetie, honey, etc). Female coworkers and friends? Sometimes they'll get a "hon" or a "sweetie." But to call a male coworker "babe" or "sweetie" etc is BLATANTLY flirting. Your WW may think of it as harmless flirting but IMO there is no such thing as harmless flirting -- not when one of the flirters has boundaries and self-esteem weak enough to have gone wayward in the past.
Also -- she is GUILT TRIPPING you about bringing this stuff up. ("Woe is me, you are beating me up about the affair I had, with which I betrayed you and broke your heart!" Give me a break!) If she were truly remorseful, she would be eager to make you feel safe and secure. That's the LEAST she can do for you. I mean -- you're triggering and she literally tells you to cheer up, then makes you feel bad for having concerns when she gets home? She needs to dig deeper in R.
Former 80s Icon wishful thinking
she is GUILT TRIPPING you about bringing this stuff up. ("Woe is me, you are beating me up about the affair I had, with which I betrayed you and broke your heart!" Give me a break!) If she were truly remorseful, she would be eager to make you feel safe and secure. That's the LEAST she can do for you. I mean -- you're triggering and she literally tells you to cheer up, then makes you feel bad for having concerns when she gets home? She needs to dig deeper in R.
I'm serious. PERIOD. NOW.
She should not be working in that environment at all. Very disrespectful to your marriage.
[This message edited by IGaveItMyAll at 6:09 PM, June 14th (Friday)]
I'm serious. PERIOD. NOW
I'm serious. PERIOD. NOW
Ok I looked it up in the healing Library. On it!!! Totally doing this starting now.
To know that you were already upset and then call and want to go out for a drink with her friends. No, no, and, NO. She should have rushed home and talked to you and explained any actions that made you uneasy.
WSs always want this to just go away. They do not want to live with the consequenses that come with an affair. They think everything should just go back to normlal. They had their fun, it is over, they are with you, so what is the problem. Until they really get it, then they will not be able to help you heal.
A agree. I think a 180 is is order. She is not afraid of losing you, so she thinks she can do what she wants and you will just stay. Time to rattle her cage. If she really loves you and thinks you might be leaving the marriage, she will shape up and do anything to keep that from happening. So sorry this is so rough, but it is a living hell, really.
What you have written here demonstrates that lack of remorse. She doesn't get it. She wants you to get over this quickly and with little consequences for what happened. That doesn't mean she couldn't become remorseful at some point, but WS need to drive R and it doesn't sound like she's doing that.
All I am asking for is a whole lot of love and affection.
You need more than this. Seriously, a dog can be a loving and affectionate companion. You need a partner, who is willing to carry their own weight and is capable of making you feel safe at some point. If your wife is unable to do that you have to get to a place where you could walk away and know you would be ok.
Sorry IGIMA, and no, you aren't overreacting.
[This message edited by DixieDevastated at 9:06 PM, June 14th (Friday)]
It's time for you to change your strategy. Right now it seems that you are operating in *react* mode. Stop it. It is now time to get pro-active. She is jerking you around so much right now that *I* was feeling completely jerked around just reading your words.
You have to take control here and you don't do that by trying to *work* with her because she is just not in *partner* mode...she's way too busy seeing you as "mean daddy who is SUCH a buzz-kill." Honestly, she sounds incredibly immature. Don't bother to ask again for the "how do I control you" list because even if she finds time to write it....it's going to be so full of bullshit that your head's gonna explode. I, too, was accused of being uber-controlling. And it really confounded me so I wrote a note to Sultan that was titled "If I am so controlling then why...." and I went on to list about a page and a half of events that had not turned out the way that *I* wanted them to. He never did address that list....other than to loudly exclaim a few weeks later that I had given him a list of all of the ways that HE had controlled me. It is just crazy-making bullshit.
I think that it's time to elucidate to your WW that she is free to do what she wants as far as working and going out, but you have certain notions of what you want in a wife and that the choices that she makes may mean that you have to decide that you can no longer be married to her. If her choices aren't congruent with what you desire in a wife, then the marriage may need to end....grace, grace...no harm/no foul.
You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink and if you keep shoving his face into the water....he's gonna end up getting pretty pissed off at you and will most likely end up kicking you in the face. Right now your WW is the horse that you are forcing to drink. And she sees you as 'controlling' and 'trapping' her and 'forcing' her into therapy. Dude, let go of the reins.
In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.