Save your breath. You'll be happier for it.
I know exactly how you feel. I felt that way. Being a couple years out now, I can easily say how glad I am I didn't try to contact her. Speaking your mind to the OW isn't going to be the release your brain is promising you.
[This message edited by Jrazz at 10:46 PM, June 14th (Friday)]
R is a time to focus on healing and repairing your marriage. Do you really want to risk bringing the OW back into your life? NC is another way of telling the OW that she no longer means anything.
Everyone here says "don't do it - i didn't and I am glad that I didn't but I have yet to hear from anyone that did it in a circumstance where there was NC. What is that experience? The only stories I have seen if from folks that were in an active tug-o-war for the WS.
We are done fighting with each other and decide to fight FOR each other.
Unfortunately, she did continue to make contact with my H. That finally ended when he had an attorney send a letter stating there will be legal repercussions if she doesn't stop.
I guess it's a mixed bag. Did I scare her? No doubt. Did it deter her from contacting her "best friend?" Unfortunately no. Still, I have no regrets.
I started by being honest with him. Telling him I was devastated (which was true). I told him he was helping destroy my family and home (which was true). I told him that he had betrayed our friendship (which was true). I reminded him that I was trained to hunt people (which I am). I told him that he was living on a knife edge (which was true) and that the only thing likely to keep him from waking up duct taped to his bed and on fire was NC with my wife (which , shamefully, was also true for a while. Rage is an awful thing). I was calm, polite, but very explicit about what would happen to him if he didn't back off. I did this really so that I would always know I couldn't do it in reality. The letter would always exist as evidence. I was that close to doing something terrible.
Didn't even slow him down, and he'd known me in the military and was fully aware of the risk he was taking. The affair went on at Warp Factor 9. Strangely that hurt me too.
Save your breath. Save your ink. NC - No new hurts.
oh, and Jrazz is right. You are just hunting for an exception so that you can psychologically justify doing it. I get it. It's a BS thing. We all did it If 10,000 people say don't do it and one person says do it, you'll go with the 1 because that's even though you know you shouldn't do it, it's what you WANT to do.
This site would be an awful lot smaller if people just did what they SHOULD do rather than what they WANT to do.
[This message edited by LonelyHusband at 8:30 AM, June 15th (Saturday)]
My xWW's first two OMs were far more remorseful than she ever was (the third one, not so much). The second one turned out to be a very cool guy who was thoroughly deceived, so we had that in common. We occasionally chat online and I wish we had met under different circumstances.
“I'm losing my mind in a bedroom with a ghost
and I'm losing my mind in a bottle while I choke
I stayed years with you, no one knows (but I want them to).”
– Thought Industry
I am glad I did it only because of my own behavior. It did not change anything. It did not help my marriage. It did not bring the truth out. They were still lying and took the A underground. I had pride in myself because I spoke my mind. I did not back down. I did not get hysterical and throw a fit. This all took place right after DD1, four weeks before DD 2. This was also before NC was established.
I'm not sure I would suggest going back if NC has been established. It seems like you would be inviting the AP back into your life.
DD#1 July 28, 2010 Admitted to EA. A went underground.
DD#2 August 19,2010 Admitted PA
NC - No new hurts.
I sent the OW a letter and I'm very glad I did, and have NO REGRETS about it, and no disatrous results. If anything, I know she fears me and I like it that way.
Everyone here says "don't do it - i didn't and I am glad that I didn't but I have yet to hear from anyone that did it in a circumstance where there was NC. What is that experience?
This is what prompted me to send copies of her actual voicesmails to her H, and to send her a letter to give her a little piece of my mind, and make sure she understood she'd be facing legal consequences if she tried to contact either my H or I again.
Don't dig for an exception as your ticket to do it
I also don't buy into the idea this makes the OP "feel important." They already feel important and they might feel even more smug when we don't confront. But either way, I do not see it as a relevent factor in this decision, to worry about whether it will make the OP "feel important."
If you decide to send a letter, my only advice is don't include any threats (other than a promise THEY will face legal consequences if they try to pull any further stunts or contact). Don't include vulgar language. Be blunt and to the point, but DON'T be nice about it, either. I would not talk about the damage done to my family, or to me. I realize they don't care about that and never will.
However they do care when you point out how pathetic they are, backed up with a few facts. For example, if your H told you something personal that would be embarassing and disgusting, I would make sure the OP knew you knew about that. I pointed out to the OW that she must have absolutely no self-respect to keep repeatedly throwing herself at a married man who had rejected her.
I did use the word "Homewrecker" in my letter but nothing stronger than that. Yes, I feel very good about sending that letter, almost 6 years ago. I have seen her out and about a few times since then and ever time, I sense she fears what I will say or do, and can't get away fast enough. I love having this power over her, and I don't have to say a word. This is just my experience.
AP#1 did respond with some answers (I asked for them) and some lies. That hurt.
AP#3 responded with an apology. It hurt at first, but I've gotten closure now.
I don't regret contacting any of them.
Former 80s Icon wishful thinking
Oh, and by NC I mean WH has not contacted her and AP has not contacted him. In fact she dropped him as soon as I found out. Just moved some her other fuck buddies into a more frequent rotation I guess.
Do not come to our house ever again. If you do, I will immediately call: 1. Your husband, 2. The police, 3. My lawyer.
When you decided to come to our house last week, did you even bother to think that our son might be there? That your presence would cause an 11-year-old boy terrible pain and sadness? And it has. He is not a stupid child. He knows exactly what is going on, now.
Stay off our property. Do not even step on the driveway. And do not go anywhere that is remotely near our child.
I had previously sent her a pathetically nice email soon after D Day, asking to meet with her. That was before I found SI. Did NOT work -- she "broke up" with my fWH after that, but then "couldn't help going back to his friendship". Sigh.
I got the last word both in a phone conversation and a text.
Wish I had never let her see that side of me. She knew I was completely devastated and broken and that she had succeeded in ruining my marriage and everything I had built for myself.
In your case, what exactly is the point? She didn't care about your husband so do you really think she will care if you tell her anything at all? If you send her an email telling her all the awful things you have experienced it only serves to show her that she made a difference in your life.
That is rewarding to an OW.
You give her the time of day, and she knows she made an impact. Maybe you want to tell her all the things your husband thinks of her? She doesn't care, especially since she dropped him like a hot potato and moved on. You want to tell her what an awful person she is? She may only rebut with all the things your H said, or make up lies, or laugh at you and your attempts to make her feel bad.
She doesn't feel bad. And NOTHING you say to her will make her feel bad either.
There is really nothing you can do other than show her you are her allowing to live in your marriage by giving her the time of day. I know it is not 100% (as others have commented that they do not regret their contact), but most do. I would go with the majority on this one. Otherwise, you will likely be one of those telling a new BS in a year not to do it.
None of them knew that he was married with children when they started their relationships with him. He had lied to them about pretty near everything.
I spoke with the ex-girlfriend and the co-worker over a couple days right after the first DD. The ex-girlfriend was really upset and very betrayed that he had not told her he was married when they reconnected. She apologized to me over and over and said she wanted nothing to do with him again. She meant it and didn't try to contact him again.
After I spoke with the co-worker, she tried to contact him again and sent a long and pretty weird email talking about how he was "trying too hard to be someone he wasn't." She was definitely invested in keeping and fostering some metaphysical "bond."
The last two, who he knew completely on-line, I spoke with through emails over the course of the week following DD#2. The only wrath raising moment from them was at the beginning when I said his actions looked like this was an addictive behavior that sprang up in especially stressful times, and one of them said that she felt really bad that my husband was so stressed and she would have offered to "role-play" something with him to help, had she known.
When I explained that he had done it all before, her being sympathetic dried up pretty quickly.
I was polite and gave information in all of the cases. Of the three, and the only one he was interacting with in person, she was obviously gunning for him - had introduced herself, was the one that sought him out, was married, tried to keep connected to him - and did try to contact him again after I spoke with her.
The rest were solid with the NC once they knew the situation.
I would make the same choices, if I were to go through it again, concerning the other women. I got a lot of information from three of the four. Luckily, none of them were mentally unbalanced or hostile, just really REALLY disconnected from the reality of what was going on - which was his fault, not theirs. Fantasy relationships, oy.
I think it matters WHY you are contacting them. I was contacting them because I knew my husband's behavior was destructive to everyone involved and I couldn't take the thought that other people were being lied to like I was. I wasn't out for blood, but to minimize damage. Even if they had been manipulative and hostile, that's information, too, that would have helped me see more of the picture.
but it didnt make me feel any better later, you know? i still hurt deeply. and trying to talk to her was worthless. yes, i got some answers, but i also got lies....they will never tell you the full truth. never.