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User Topic: BWs: How are you handling father's day
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Default  Posted: 9:08 AM, June 16th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Father's Day will NEVER meant he same for me. 2 years ago, is when I first suspected my husband was cheating on me. When I did find prof 2 weeks later of AP#3 (I didn't know about the others though yet) it was because I found the necklace on Father's Day that she gave him.

I blogged this morning about it.

Two years ago on Father’s Day my husband received a gift from someone who had no right to give him a gift. That day she gave him a crucifix necklace, sprayed with her perfume, telling him that it meant a lot to her and she wanted him to have it. She told him that he’d always been so nice to her and she appreciated his kindness. She was flirting with him, acting shy but coy. He thanked her, and gave her a hug for the gift.

Later that evening, after closing, she made sure that she was the last employee remaining with my husband. After a day of looking at each other, smiling, exchanging long glances, my husband thanked her again and hugged her. When they started to pull away, she looked up at him as one does when they want to be kissed. My husband kissed her. She kissed back. I guess the necklace warranted a special kind of thank you.

After kissing for goodness knows how long, she had to leave, to get home to her HUSBAND and her FOUR children. She asked MY husband to put the necklace in a special place so she could see it, so she knew he was thinking of her. She asked him to hang it on the rearview mirror of his car. He did.

He then came home to me.

The next morning, we both woke up and I told him that I was going to go to 7-11 for coffee. I took his car…

As soon as I opened the door to his car I was hit with this overwhelming smell of perfume. And as I sat down, I saw it. The necklace. It was cheap. It definitely wasn’t some sacred family article or anything. So I highly doubt it was very meaningful to her.

I was confused. I had no idea where it had come from. Why did his car smell like perfume. There HAD to be some explanation for this, right? I drove the five minutes to get coffee and back, with each mile the fear becoming stronger, the urge to vomit overwhelming.

When I arrived back home, I unwound the necklace from the mirror and brought it inside with me. I put the coffee in front of him, gave our kids donuts that I’d gotten them and told him that he needed to come and talk to me in the bedroom RIGHT NOW.

He followed me down the hallway and into our room. I shut the door, showed him the necklace and asked what is this? My body was shaking. I was standing in front of him, with tears running down my face, shaking from head to toe. He said it was nothing. It was a gift from a guest at work whose mother had died and wanted him to have it. It seemed so far-fetched. But, guests had given him gifts before. I asked him why his car smelled of perfume. He said he had no idea. That the weekend had been graduation and a lot of graduation parties had gone on at the restaurant and people had hugged him. My husband did not hug people he didn’t know. Or so I thought. I told him to go out to his car and smell how overwhelming the perfume was. Had he had anyone in his car? He said no.

He went outside, and I went to our laundry basket to smell his clothing from the day before. They did not smell of perfume. There was no way someone hugged him and that his car smelled that much from a hug. I then smelled the necklace and realized where the smell came from. He returned and told me he couldn’t smell anything in his car. I asked him how the guest gave him the gift. Was it in a box, a bag, or did she just hand it to him? He didn’t answer. I asked how the mother of the guest died (she was supposedly a regular), did he know when she died, was he invited to the funeral? I mean if she liked him enough to give him a gift, surely…he’d know all of that right?

He swore up and down it was a gift from the guest. I even gave him an out, I said to him, I thought perhaps an employee had given him the necklace and he was embarrassed to tell me, and he said no, it was from the guest. (I would have believed the employee angle much more.) He insisted on his story.

I wanted to believe him so badly. He apologized for scaring me, for not telling me. He reassured me over and over again that it wasn’t from another woman, that he’d never ever cheat on me. He reassured me all day long. That should have been a clue. Later on I realized the necklace was not where I had laid it. He moved it. He told me he threw it away. He hadn’t, he hid it. So he could put it back in his car every day and put it around his mirror for HER. He would remove it before he got home.

This was the day that I realized my life as I knew it began to unravel before my eyes. Just a couple short weeks later I would find proof that my husband was cheating on me. Even then I had no idea the scope of the destruction that would come out over the next year as I got hit with not one, but two DDays a year apart.

Father’s Day. It no longer holds a good meaning for me anymore, but rather triggers me into a place of terrible memories.

BS - Me
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking

Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
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Member # 39337
Default  Posted: 9:47 AM, June 16th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry for all the hurt that people are suffering. Big hugs to everyone!

For me, I'm going all out. I had the kids make a special Father's Day picture and I plastered it all over FB. I bought him eagles concert tickets and expensive sunglasses. I let him go camping with a few of the kids. I got him a mushy card, and there will be dinner out and hopefully awesome sex later. matter what he has done, I will be the loving wife. I will play my part right. He can be a WH and horrible, and if I am mean in return that just gives him more justification, but if I am super sweet, who would ever be on his side? Maybe my hearts not exactly in the right place

BS (me) 43
WS (him) 48
Married 25 years
Reconciling for 12 years
DDAY 01-16-01
A with my best friend
Lots of children from 24-4 weeks old

Posts: 62 | Registered: May 2013
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Member # 36060
Default  Posted: 10:16 AM, June 16th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I got a card and a gift cert for mother's day, so he got a card and a gift cert for father's day. I found the most generic card I could. I was not going to pick out one that said "to the best daddy ever" or whatever.

BS-Me 30s
WS-Him 30s
D-Day 4/2012 (Insisted EA only)
D-Day 5/2012 (Did I say EA? Ummm..)
Numerous other TT/broken NC d-days until S 1/2013. D settled 11/2013
MOW-coworker, 40s.
2 DS and DD all w/autism

Posts: 739 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: USA
Member # 325
Default  Posted: 11:15 AM, June 16th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

to IamPsycho, I'm sorry if nobody has explained to you, yet that your behavior has nothing to do with his cheating. If you want to be nice because you are nice, go for it, but to think it will keep him faithful...

Posts: 5629 | Registered: Jul 2002
♀ Member
Member # 34915
Default  Posted: 11:29 AM, June 16th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This year I came to work because I don't want to celebrate it with him Today is the 2Year anniversary for him since he slept with the 4 days will be two years since I found out .I am doing good I am over it however this morning when I woke up and started getting ready for work I totally had a moment of anger seriously TWO years ago the bastard had me wax the hair on his back ...I preped him for a night of sex with the OW .Gross .Anyways feeling angry helped me and I feel great now .I will be going home in a couples of hours and one thing WH is not getting today is me .

Him: 51
OW: a monster that I called friend before
D-Day:June 20,2011

You made a fool out of me and she made a fool out of you

Posts: 141 | Registered: Feb 2012
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Member # 20547
Default  Posted: 1:47 PM, June 16th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What are you all doing for your WH's for father's day?

I spent yesterday IMing Ow about the adoption of OC, and today I am looking for stepparent adoption attorneys.

So, I guess for Father's Day, I am helping him not be a father to OC. Very mixed feelings.

BS- me.
FWS- him.
DDay 6/07 (immediately separated)
RDay 8/07
OC born 3/08
OC Adopted 2014


Posts: 2312 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: PNW
Getting to Happy
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Member # 35200
Default  Posted: 1:57 PM, June 16th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Damn SamanthaBaker! That Sucks!

Want2help that boggles the mind.

God bless you both.

WS him
BS me DD's 26, 25' DS 23
dd1 1-1-10, dd2 Mothers Day 2011, dd3 3-12-12 Hawaii trip with ho-worker...

Never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten.

Posts: 1140 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: La La Land
♀ Member
Member # 33698
Default  Posted: 2:03 PM, June 16th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I got him a card from the kids. They also made him their own things at school. They're spending part of the day with him until he returns them to me at dinnertime. We keep our involvement to a minimum with each other as we are now just waiting on the D papers to arrive in the mail, so he will never get anything directly from me again (nor will I buy him gifts from the kids some day when they are older and no longer making things at school-- that's the OW's job now as far as I'm concerned).

BS (Me) 39
Happily liberated!
Two DS and One DD
It matters not how strait the gate,/How charged with punishments the scroll./I am the master of my fate:/I am the captain of my soul.--"Invictus," William Ernest Henley

Posts: 3620 | Registered: Oct 2011
Getting to Happy
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Member # 35200
Default  Posted: 2:08 PM, June 16th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This will be the 3rd Father's day after DD.

The first FD after DD I wasn't even living at home. I fled to a friends house for 8 months to lick my wounds in solitude. Those were bad, dark days.

The next year I spent under a cloud of pain and anger. I had moved back by then. The kids came by, gave him a card and left. I did not come out of my room that day.

We have had some very bad days but they are becoming less and less.

Mr. Happy is doing his level best to make me feel loved and he used to.

So I am going to BBQ for him and throw him into the pool when he gets home from playing baseball. He is a weekend warrior!

There have been sooo many bad days but today is a good day. It has been a long time coming.

Take care everyone.

WS him
BS me DD's 26, 25' DS 23
dd1 1-1-10, dd2 Mothers Day 2011, dd3 3-12-12 Hawaii trip with ho-worker...

Never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten.

Posts: 1140 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: La La Land
♀ Member
Member # 36988
Default  Posted: 2:24 PM, June 16th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Trying to make it all about the kids. My SAWH has really made some good recovery over the last few months and things are on a positive note! We had our anniversary and anntiversary both this weekend and things went smoothly. We both celebrated our anniversary and handled the triggering and sadness on the anntiversary. We are 2 years out from discovery and sobriety, so feel this year was a big improvement on last year. He is a better father than he has ever been and working hard to change the legacy from his father.

DDay - 6/15/11
R started - 7/1/11
False Discl- 9/27/12
Real Discl - 2/12/13
Poly - 3/1/13 Pass!
Me - BS (46)
WH - 52 (SA, NA, WA)
Kids: 2 littles and 1 grown
The road to recovery is long and hard. Some days I am up for it and others not!

Posts: 1084 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Texas
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Member # 35387
Default  Posted: 2:32 PM, June 16th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WH is spending the day with his Dad at our house building an office/craft room while I hang out with our kids at my MIL's condo.

I took the kids shopping and bought him a remote control car that he can play with the kids.

This is our 2nd Father's day since Dday. Last year he only got what the kids made him at school. He didn't get anything from me this year as I can't stand all the cards. They simply don't reflect how I feel. Maybe next year I will get him a card. Baby steps.

Married 9 years, together for 11 years
2 children (7 years & 4 years)
Discovery of PA 04/15/12 (It only lasted a "couple of weeks" but it still shattered my world.)

Posts: 466 | Registered: Apr 2012
♀ Member
Member # 35104
Default  Posted: 9:10 PM, June 16th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BNG, (raising hand)... I bought that groupon for WH!

I struggled with Fathers Day again this year. This is the second one since DDay. WH has been the picture of remorse since DDay and is trying his damnedest to make things right. I still couldn't buy him a card from me (this still is so hard for me) and decided on a whim to buy the groupon.
When we gave it to him, he got tears in his eyes. Later on, he pulled me aside and told me what an amazing gift it was but that he didn't deserve it after hat he has put me through. I just smiled and said I wanted him to know that while things aren't perfect, I see how hard he is trying.

Our marriage is far from ok at this point and I haven't made things easy on him, but he has not once, in 15 months even considered giving up. That in itself was worthy of our gift...

Married 14 years, together for 20
BS Me - 42
WS Husband - 43
Two Kids 8 & 9
DDay 3/15/12 8 month EA. PA for 5 of those months.

Posts: 164 | Registered: Mar 2012
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Member # 39083
Default  Posted: 10:02 PM, June 16th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, I feel like a sucker after reading this thread! Our kids are preschool age so they can't do anything on their own. We decided to celebrate later this week because H had a major deadline today.

He is getting a homemade rhubarb pie and a new pair of work pants and a card.

He is, and always has been, an awesome, involved, hands-on dad *except for the very significant fact he has not put his kids stable home in jeopardy.* Still, don't think it 100% negates how passionate he has always been about spending time with them and all the creative things he comes up with to play with them.

He seems completely crushed these days with pain and guilt from his actions. And seemingly very committed to making things right. In our particular case, snubbing him on father's day would not feel right to me. For me as much as for him.

Posts: 236 | Registered: Apr 2013
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Member # 36267
Default  Posted: 4:28 AM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Update: I didn't get the groupon.

We can't really afford it, because we are still paying for the separation apartment, which I won't let him give up until I am good and ready to believe this is not false R.

He got the craft, and that's it. We ate dinner at Wendy's. Ha! Now you know how I felt on Mother's Day all those years, douche.

Don't come around here no more
-Tom Petty

Posts: 661 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Canada
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Member # 39521
Default  Posted: 10:20 AM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I didn't do a thing this year. Although we are 5 years out, the past month has been difficult for me. I usually do something, make some sort of memory book, pictures of the kids, something. But I wasn't feeling especially loving this year so I pretty much skipped it. He received cards the boys made in school, he took them to his parents for lunch. So he got to spend time with them and I got some time alone!

Me: BW 37
Him: WH 38
(DDay: 2/2008)
13 years, 5 kids...Six years of Limbo

“I don't want to get to the end of my life and find that I have just lived the length of it. I want to have lived the width of it as well." ~ Diane Ackerman

Posts: 178 | Registered: Jun 2013
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Member # 36888
Default  Posted: 12:54 PM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm the BH, I got some texts today about how I wasn't helping enough while moving her parents (been spending the last six months converting our lower level into an apartment for them and they were moving this weekend). Never mind that I've been working full time and going to school full time, commuting 4 hours a day and spending the rest of my waking time working on the apartment. I was told it was very poor timing of me to partner with one of my brothers and take my dad to a baseball game for Fathers Day.

I did take my step son with and he did make the comment in the car "Oh it's Fathers Day, I better call my dad and wish him a Happy Fathers Day".

The only people who wished me a Happy Fathers Day were the ushers at the baseball game.

Sorry it became a bit venty, but I'm just frustrated and worn down lately.


Posts: 214 | Registered: Sep 2012
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Member # 36474
Default  Posted: 12:58 PM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I spent half the day sick in bed b/c I'm tired of faking my way through the happy family routine.

Scorched earth-Like Peter the Great, he burns up his own territory in order to gain the upper hand while his own people suffer.

I don't need you to be happy. I just need you to leave me alone when I am.

Posts: 442 | Registered: Aug 2012
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Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 1:03 PM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We had a great day. Dh had been on a 3 day fishing trip with his old buddies, and got home around 10 am. I had done his laundry (something I rarely do) and cleaned the house, but I thought he would be home at 11 and he found me in my jammies. So we took a shower togehter *ahem* and then opened his gifts. I got him a smoker, and the kids got him a movie they all like and a Red Sox tshirt. Then he and I ran some errands together, got some ribs smoking for dinner, he took a nap while I got the rest of dinner ready. My parents came over for dinner, had a nice time. I told him he was awesome.

I think I covered all the bases; gifts, words of affirmation, acts of service, quality time, sex. LOL

We are 6 years out and doing well, so this day won't be relevant for everyone. But this is what remorse gets in return.

Him WH
2 ddays in '07
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6549 | Registered: Jan 2011
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Member # 32753
Default  Posted: 1:30 AM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We went with my mom and our son to Target and bought H a new outfit and shoes, because it was what he wanted to do on Father's Day.

I've been on edge and moody the last few days because at this time last year, he was fawning over my cousin who was fawning over him. On June 10th last year was the day he finally confessed that he had still felt single when he was with other girls. I started reading "Codependent No More" and it's helping to move through these feelings. Hopefully next year will be more meaningful and I can get him a card and put more effort into making the day special for him (unless we're separated by then). Right now, I'm pissed at the memories from last year that are in this vicinity. He probably wasn't thinking about Father's Day at all when he was doing it. Just enjoying the attention from her.

[This message edited by silverhopes at 1:37 AM, June 18th (Tuesday)]

Find peace. Or sleep on it.
Sometimes my monkeys, sometimes my circus.
Infidelities are like icebergs - they may take many different shapes and sizes, but they all damage your ship.

Posts: 3905 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
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Member # 24534
Default  Posted: 10:20 AM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My DDay was on father's day. So for a long time it was a horrible day for me. My father passed away not long after after father's day last year. So now my memory of father's day is my dad (dying from cancer, in pallative care) pulling me into a hug and holding me tighter than he ever had before.It was like he didn't want to let go (I still cry everytime I remember). It is a memory I will hold close to my heart forever and that is what I think of when I think of father's day. I replaced something dirty with something amazing and loving.

So now I leave father's day up to my DS. I will take him out and let him buy what he wants for his dad.
Even though this year my boyfriend helped my son by my mother's day gift.

[This message edited by ninebark at 10:22 AM, June 18th (Tuesday)]

BS (me) 40
WH - 48
Married 12 years
DS - 12
D-day 06/21/09
Separated....hopefully divorcing soon.

Posts: 630 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Canada
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