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Divorce/Separation     Print Topic    
User Topic: Abbondad Part 3...
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 7:50 AM, July 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not to fear, Tushnurse--I am in the zone and feeling strong.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1571 | Registered: Dec 2012
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 9:11 AM, July 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have a very clear vision of my life with her and I don't want it. I will never trust her again. Never. And that's the least of it. She simply doesn't understand the depth of destruction she has caused. And probably never will. It's all still about her.
^^^^This was the point I was talking about awhile ago. The unknown becomes a welcome option to remaining in your current situation. She will likely never understand what she has done or your perspective. Selfish people are incapable of thinking of anyone but themselves. Keep focusing on you and doing the things you want to do. I know it seems like she is pulling out all the stops right now but this is just more craziness on her part. There are no actions just words. If you have actually told her you need actions not words don't be surprised if she throws you a few crumbs that look like actions but they really won't be. Don't engage her if you can, stop taking her calls, and ignore her texts. Once you actually get into the legal process you may really want to do this as you never know whether she is taping you, trying to set you up, or trying to get you to agree to something you may regret later on.

Nowiknow23 is right here, this is what's coming next:

The concern then is that she will stop pretending to be nice. And I will tell you based on my experiences, that when that nice mask comes off and her words and actions start matching the ugliness she's been trying to hide, the truth of who she has become will absolutely set you free.

Once the mediation starts and she sees you are in fact serious about D prepare for the stupidity to get ratcheted up to 10. Keep your resolve up and just know it's coming. If you haven't get a VAR. What she shows you when she turns will indeed fully set you free but the ride is not fun. However the ride has an end at this point though. It's just a matter of getting there. Best of luck and keep it up man. Vent here and keep detaching and focusing on you and the kids.


I have the feeling my wife is going to move in with or marry the POS.
It's been almost 2 weeks since my STBXW moved out. I assume she will try to get back with her AP and I can honestly tell you I could care less. That's what detachment does for you. Both my STBX and her old AP or future boyfriends, husbands, whatever ARE irrelevant. They no longer affect my life because I have moved on from that part. I have to deal with her because of the kids but me caring about who she is sleeping with no longer bothers me. Before I detached I used to worry about her cheating again. The flaw in that logic was she had already slept with at least 2 other guys while married to me so what was I holding on to??? She was most assuredly going to do it again at some point if we got Divorced and likely if we didn't. However it would no longer be my problem so I kept saying she was already sleeping with other people behind my back so why do I care if she does it in front of my face now. The answer is I don't care because she already showed me who she was and I accepted that. The fantasy Wife and fantasy M I had in my head never existed. I had to face who she really was and I was okay with that. No more expectations, no more fear, no more wondering. I chose to accept the reality fo my situation and move forward in my life. This is who she is and I will deal with her like anyone else in my kids life. I gave up the idea that I could control her or the situation because it was pretty obvious I never actually had control over her in the first place. There is nothing you can do to stop your WW from officially moving in with OM or even marrying him. What you can do though is focus on you and your future and let go of the idea of what YOU think your STBXWW's future should be. Those are her decisions and you can't affect them no more than she can ultimately affect yours once you detach. I know you already know this all just relaying what I learned on my journey.

You ask how she can do thsi stuff, it's because she detached from you long ago. That's why continuing to detach now gives you the ability to start moving on with your life and letting go of your STBXWW and what she does with her life. Keep at it AD! You are doing great!


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
D hopefully official in 7/2014

Posts: 1810 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 9:36 AM, July 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just left the bank, where we split up our life savings. Our goddamn life savings. She was crying the whole time, in shock. After we left she said, "I don't want this!"

I shouted at her (I couldn't help it): "Just what did you expect!!???"

She said, "If I end it with him, will you take me back?"

??????!!

I said, "We will see what happens a long time after we are divorced."

And then I left.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1571 | Registered: Dec 2012
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 9:42 AM, July 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"If I end it with him, will you take me back?"

In a nutshell brother. Served hot and steaming. Will you please be plan B.

Detachment should be a little easier now.

Kids and finances only. N/C = no new hurts.

Strength


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2540 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 9:43 AM, July 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I do not want her to suffer. It hurts me to see it. I am not punishing her. I am saving myself.

But I am terribly upset, and very angry at her.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1571 | Registered: Dec 2012
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 9:45 AM, July 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She just. Doesn't. Understand. What she has done to me. What this pain feels like.
Dude - She knows. She's seen your pain. She's heard your pain. It has been right in her face for MONTHS. She just doesn't care. But you already know that, right?


You can call me NIK

Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools, because they have to say something.
- Plato


Posts: 24390 | Registered: Aug 2011
ButterflyGirl
♀ Member
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 9:46 AM, July 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"If I end it with him, will you take me back?"

AYFKM???? The correct answer was an eye roll and crickets.

She acts like "being" with him is the only problem. The bigger problems are WHY she is with him, WHY she manipulated and lied to you, WHY she tore apart her family without thinking about the consequences. This manipulating woman really thinks she just has to choose you and everything will be swept under the rug. That's exactly what she is asking you for.

She's not willing to do the first damn step to fixing this marriage (leaving the OM). You really wanna pull teeth trying to get her to do the rest of what it would take to heal the marriage?

I would stop promising her "maybe after the divorce." The best you are going to get "after the divorce" is a civil co-parenting relationship.

FUCK THAT BITCH!!!


xBW~ 35
Two of the most darling sons ~ 10 and 6

Posts: 1991 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Florida, USA
ButterflyGirl
♀ Member
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 9:50 AM, July 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am not punishing her.

She is manipulating you into feeling like you are punishing her. That's how she WANTS you to feel. Stop letting her blame shift and make you feel bad for HER consequences to HER actions.

GET OFF THE CRAZY TRAIN!!


xBW~ 35
Two of the most darling sons ~ 10 and 6

Posts: 1991 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Florida, USA
thenon-goddess
♀ Member
Member # 31229
Default  Posted: 10:24 AM, July 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well done, AD. Her question is just insulting, IMO, and definitely shows how self centered and clueless she really is.


Status: divorcing
Typing on an iPhone - please excuse the typos!

Posts: 1238 | Registered: Feb 2011
allatsea
♂ Member
Member # 38923
Default  Posted: 10:27 AM, July 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"Just what did you expect!!???"

I like this

"We will see what happens a long time after we are divorced."

This not so much. I would have said NO. Obviously if she sorts her shit out then you can change your mind but by saying what you did shows that you are ameniable to the idea.



Me 40
WW 38
Together 19 years
Married for 9
DS(1) 9
DS(2) 7
Dday 10th Feb 2013
She moved in with POS and took kids 23rd Mar 2013. WW now pregnant
Divorced April 2014

Posts: 648 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: UK
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 10:37 AM, July 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are getting there. She is continuing to attempt to manipulate. When you do stuff like this, don't do it alone, bring a friend along. Someone to bolster you up. So that you aren't tempted to say we will see, what you should have said was.
HAHAHAHAHAH, and walked away.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 7790 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
GabyBaby
♀ Member
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 10:44 AM, July 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

AD, you're doing really well. Keep it up.

She acts like "being" with him is the only problem. The bigger problems are WHY she is with him, WHY she manipulated and lied to you, WHY she tore apart her family without thinking about the consequences. This manipulating woman really thinks she just has to choose you and everything will be swept under the rug. That's exactly what she is asking you for.
Butterflygirl nailed it with the above quote. If you take your WW back, you'll be in for an even more hellish ride. Trust me, I know. I kept taking back an unremorseful spouse who spouted off all the right words...and showed no action to back it up. Each time, the betrayal an piss-poor attitude on his part grew worse and worse. It was almost like it became a game to him to see how much he could get away with.
Please dont take 18years to get away from the madness like I did.

Save yourself and your kids NOW.

[This message edited by GabyBaby at 10:46 AM, July 1st (Monday)]


Me - 42
SorryInSac - WH#2 - 47. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4yrs, together 7yrs total

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
5 Furkids (3 Dogs, 2 Cats)

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW)
Legally married 18yrs, together 16.5yrs

Note: I edit often for typos/clarity.


Posts: 6053 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
gonnabe2016
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 12:24 PM, July 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

she said, "I don't want this!"

She said, "If I end it with him, will you take me back?"


Oh yeah! Chapter 3, page 45 of the Cheater's Handbook.

I have come to despise those words that your stbxww said to you. Sultan NEVER came back to me unencumbered.....and yet he had the same, exact attitude.

I am very logical and it just made me crazy. That type of crap was one of the main reasons that I was finally able to go NC with him.

Crazy-making. A mind-fuck. A circle jerk. <--a very hurtful one. I ended up telling him "I am divorcing you because you have other women, so how in the fuck do you think it makes ANY sense to ask me to NOT divorce you while you are STILL fucking other women????" It's fucking stupid.

Anyway. Your response to her was great.
Good luck with your mediation. I'll warn you that, emotionally, it's going to suck. Just hang in there.....


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 7681 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
JustDone
♀ Member
Member # 9742
Default  Posted: 1:25 PM, July 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You don't listen to any of her words, you watch what she does.

And you are.


Forgiveness is giving up the possibility of a better past.

Nobody forgets what happens, the secret is learning to live with it.


Posts: 2778 | Registered: Feb 2006
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 4:56 PM, July 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Love-bomb text barrages continue:

-I went to the store and bought some fruits and vegetables. I will bring you some.

-I am at the library thinking about how you would love these books.

-DS is eating whoppers. I told him Daddy likes those.

-You asked awhile ago if I thought about you. I do, a lot.

I have not responded to any of them--i know they are just selfish manipulations--but they are still upsetting to read.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1571 | Registered: Dec 2012
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 5:06 PM, July 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She said, "If I end it with him, will you take me back?"

??????!!

I said, "We will see what happens a long time after we are divorced."


Say it with me, "Nope."

You can also use "No." or "No way."

Let's not give her a scrap of fodder to drag this out. I have a hard time telling people NO, and it gets me into a lot of obligations that I wish I wasn't stuck with.

Next time, just say "no."


We are what we repeatedly do, excellence, then is not an act but a habit. - Aristotle

Posts: 16312 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
redrock
♀ Member
Member # 21538
Default  Posted: 5:07 PM, July 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Saying vs. Doing. Keep it in the forefront of your mind.

Now that her security is being threatened she has soooooooo. much to day....

See it for what it is. Do not respond.


I don't respect anyone that can't spell a word more than one way:)

Posts: 3151 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Michigan
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 6:18 PM, July 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Everyone,

I am worried about tomorrow morning's mediation. Specifically I know she will drop the sweetness routine and out will come the viciousness.

I don't want to be sucked into it. I want to demand--respectfully and maturely--what I need and deserve to live. She always made in the six figures and has now been offered another job in the same range.

I do not need a lot of money. I am Ok if I have to move to a condo or something. But it's in the best interest of the kids that we stay in our home. And she can afford it all: her own apartment, child support, and some degree of spousal support.

But I don't want to sit there and argue with her. What is the mediators role if she becomes combative or refuses CS or spousal support? I'd much prefer to defer to the mediator--maybe separately, in another room.

I don't want to engage in unpleasantness, but nor will I be bullied.

Any advice is appreciated as always.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1571 | Registered: Dec 2012
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 6:29 PM, July 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You CAN request to be separated from her, and the mediator will go back and forth between the two of you.

Honestly, I think you are right on target with wanting to be away from her. It will definitely squash the drama llama level.

Sending you strength for tomorrow.


You can call me NIK

Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools, because they have to say something.
- Plato


Posts: 24390 | Registered: Aug 2011
standingonmarble
♀ Member
Member # 31217
Default  Posted: 6:38 PM, July 1st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow dad, you have been thru the mill!

As for any meeting, you are in control of yourself. Don't forget that, if she ramps it up like you think she will, calmly say to the mediator that you need a break and you will not sit here and be abused verbally by her. Then get up and walk out to the hall. Check back in a few and if she hasn't changed her behavior, reschedule. Do not be bullied into staying. Don't worry about what the mediator will think, they have seen it all. If this adds to the cost , oh well, she has to have consequences. In the end its just money, and what's more important is the long run and you getting what you need to do right by your kids, and being able to look yourself in the mirror, knowing you did the best you could to not let yourself be run over by her crazy train.

Still cheering for you.


At one time he was a man standing on marbles. Now I am a woman standing on marble.....

We are done fighting with each other and decide to fight FOR each other.


Posts: 737 | Registered: Feb 2011
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