In order to make the move enticing to the kids, I promised them gerbils when we moved. I did, and they had a great time thinking about them, coming up with names, setting up the cage and buying the stuff...then it gave them an opportunity to make new friends by taking to other kids and saying, "Do you wanna come see our new gerbils?" By the time the newness of the gerbils wore off, we were fairly settled into routine.
This is MY house. WE live here...ex does not. He has to knock to come in, he doesn't have a key. I have neighbors with keys...if he needs to come for an emergency, there are ways to get him a key. IT. IS. MINE.
Best thing I did for myself. Start over.
She is now, for lack of a better term, the enemy. Your only job is to fight for yourself and your future with your kids. That is how I looked at it, and trust me...I left a lying, egocentric NPD asshole. It was not easy, months of fighting in mediation...but I was determined. I had a goal in mind, and I would not deviate. I looked at it as the fight for the rest of my life.
My ex did the same, "This is MY house too!" when he first moved into his apartment and I was staying in our former marital home. He respected no boundaries. Wanted to see the kids every night...literally, come to dinner, tuck them in bed, then leave. He would walk in unannounced, would try to get me to hug him, wanted to "play family" without being a husband. I let that happen about a week...then I took back control.
It is time to focus on you (and your kids) only.
"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings
Ironic, as I am not feeling elated today. Quite the opposite. I have crashed--depression and despair as the reality of everything reasserts itself.
I guess this is the ways it's going to be for awhile. Hopefully until the D is over and things settle down as best they can.
STBXWW texted me this morning: "Are you sure?
I wasn't even sure what she was referring to. Then "about your decision?"
I texted "Yes."
She retorted with something vaguely threatening. Something about me having to support her new decisions in life and that she did not "like the way I was in mediation."
(I was pretty stone faced and all business.)
Does this mean that if I had replied "No I am not sure" that she would have been sweetness and light?
It is just so childish: Are you sure? Well, then, you're gonna get it, but I'm not gonna tell you what I'm gonna do!
Whatever. I texted back, "I support you as long as your decisions do not affect our children adversely."
Two texts too many on my part, right?
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
Two texts too many on my part, right?
Purely as an editorial aside, who gives a tinker's fart what she thinks of your demeanor in mediation?
Exactly! You are getting there. What you should have done was nothing. No response. There was no question about kids and finances. She is continuing to try to talk to you about emotions and family, etc....
Your next thing you need to learn to do is just not respond. Or the "I am sorry you feel that way" response and nothing else.
Keeping the personal emotions or feelings out of this is hard I know but the more you talk to her the more ammunition she has against you in her twisted world. What you might think is innocent gets turned around on you the next day.
This is not just her, this is about you as well. Meaning co dependency for a BS is a very hard habit to break. This is for you to learn to not respond all the time to her and her rants.
The only person you talk to tomorrow is your attorney to get him/her up to speed.
Two texts too many on my part, right?
Yes. The sooner you stop chatting with her whenever she contacts you, the sooner you heal and move on.
It took me along time to get to that point. And once I got to that point the roller coaster stopped.
You are getting it. Keep on trying. Every time she tries to suck you back in you need to stop, remind yourself of all her horrible actions and simply not respond. I know easier said than done. But all I can say is practice makes perfect.
I think what I need to do whenever she starts trying to manipulate me into talking about CS or anything divorce-related, is just respond with "We will talk about it in mediation." And then cut it off and limit the discussion to kids and finances. I definitely don't want to talk about "us" any more.
And I don't want to say anything that could be used against me.
Rather depressed today, and find myself haunted now and then by thoughts of reconciliation. But then I refer to my List of Horrible Things She Has Done and it grounds me again.
The struggle continues. Wish I could hit fast-forward.
Again, bad day emotionally today. I guess the grief cycle is not linear. Been crying just like I did months ago. The recent trigger was my son just calling to tell me he wants to bring one of his fish tanks to his mom's apartment. It's just a hard reminder of the reality of the situation--that our family world is moving in two separate directions.
The fish tanks in his room was a center of family activity. It feels like a death to have it removed. It is going to be devastating when we sell the house and have to remove all memories. I know, it probably will be cathartic ultimately, but for now I am in deep sadness.
It takes all kinds of kinds....Miranda Lambert
The recent trigger was my son just calling to tell me he wants to bring one of his fish tanks to his mom's apartment. It's just a hard reminder of the reality of the situation--that our family world is moving in two separate directions. The fish tanks in his room was a center of family activity. It feels like a death to have it removed
What 'm taking from this is your son is ready to move on.. he knows there is going to be 2 houses & is dealing with it in a healthy way.. I see this as a good thing .
Don't know why I'm falling apart today. Sobbing in my brothers car. I am fighting a terrible urge to call her and scream, "How could you do this to our family?"
Please talk me down. Thank you.
I have been following your thread, but haven't given much advice, as there are so many great people here that are better at giving advice. But I heard you, and I think you have done so well, you are doing all the right things. Really!
Today you're having a bad day, we all have them, that's normal! Tomorrow is going to be a new day.
This is your new reality, the sooner you start to accept it the better off you'll be - oh it sucks big time, it's unfair and all you want to do is Shake them into reality.
When I get down, I try and think, that everything happens for a reason, the Universe has a plan for us - we got to believe that. Besides, why do we want to stay with somebody that doesn't love us? We deserve better.
Hang in there ok? You'll get through it!
My WW sounds like yours in a lot of ways -- not all.
I don't have advice, but you have given me strength and guidance. I appreciate that so much.
Not a lot of people are as level-headed or articulate as you. This suggests to me that your wife threw away more than she'll ever have again. It's so sad and so tragic.
I feel the same way about my situation. How can they throw away so much? Weekends are always worse for me, I imagine they might be for you, too. Hang in there.
I just want to give you a hug. (((((Abbondad)))))
I know how much it hurts and the swirling thoughts and wild swinging emotions. It sucks, and I hope your day steadily gets better.
I'm not sure how far back it was in your thread, but you wrote about coming apart after therapy and I made some suggestions for some self-care actions you could do to help stabilize your emotions.
I think one of the most painful periods of my M falling apart was the intense pain and physical agony I felt from sobbing. I had to find a way to "get a grip" and not allow my emotions to spiral out of control. I encourage you to do some things to help yourself moderate your emotions. Distraction, exercise, hot or cold water, talking to your brother and asking him to help distract you and change the subject away from your STBXWW and your fractured home.
You need to actively manage your thoughts so you don't reinforce the emotions. Find an alternate thought when you catch yourself thinking about her. A go-to thought. Something totally benign and mundane.
Like salad ingredients. Example: "Fuck I'm thinking about her again and I'm getting worked up! Dammit! OK, redirect redirect redirect my brain. Hmmm. Ok, lettuce is the foundation. Now what combination of sweet savory crunch creamy toothy things for salad tonight? Apples. Cheddar cheese. Sweet peas. Raisins. Need another vegetable or three. Mmmm. OK red bell pepper. How about a nut? What goes with apples and cheddar? Cashews? Ok. And then maybe cucumber. Right. Now how do I dress this? Sweet creamy poppy seed."
Seriously. This works. It cuts the ache. Pick another thought to go to. That park you like. How to get to the bench, or vista point. Walk yourself through it. What route do you drive to get there? What does the parking lot look like? Where is the trail head? What turns do you make? Ok, and when you get there what do you see? Work it out in your mind's eye.
Voila. You redirected your thoughts for a minute or two. Practice this! It helps!
Separated, divorcing, moving on.
I edit because I always make typos.
And yes, I must see it as a good thing for him--that he is adjusting. My job is to keep being strong for him.
As far as the divorce, I think I am putting too much pressure on myself--thinking too far ahead and obsessing over all kinds of worst case scenarios. It is a slow process and nothing new is happening right now--haven't even gotten a draft of the MSA and our next mediation isn't for a couple of weeks. So I need to calm down.
Thank you for the suggestion on controlling the intrusive thoughts. I have tried that, and it does not really work. I have OCD AND Tourette's Syndrome so it is extra tough. (Lucky me, huh? ;-)
MEDICAL QUESTION: Do you work with a neurologist or a a Neuropshycologist to manage the Tourettes and OCD? If you are do they know what is going on and the increased mental stress you are under? The reason I ask is often folks with these conditions can do fine in day to day life, but when something upsets the routine it cycles out of conrol 123BANG. If you are having difficulty managing these right now, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE see these Dr's, not just your Therapist, and psych. Dealing with Tourettes is a very specidific thing, and although others can venture and follow the steps to treating, you really would benefit from someone who does it day in and out.
It is good that your son is wanting to make some space his own at his moms. This will help keep her out of your hair, if the kids are comfortable at her place. If all they do is bitch and moan that they need this, or miss that when they are with her, she will come back stomping all over the house, since you can't legally keep her out.
Please do your best to focus your OCD thoughts on ways to improve you. When you start to cycle instead of fretting and doing something unproductive, start working toward a solution. What I mean is when you feel that starting focus on looking at houses/condo's etc in the area either by driving around, or by looking on the internet. Focus on your new goals.
YOU CAN Do THIS, and YOU WILL make it through.
Sending you strength brother.
Please take care of yourself and follow up on tushnurse's suggestions.
Big hugs. I know it's hard to believe it now, but you will get through this.