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Divorce/Separation     Print Topic    
User Topic: Abbondad Part 3...
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 7:15 AM, July 12th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Keep coming back here. We're all trudging with you and when you're too tired to go on, we'll pick you up and carry you for a bit.

Thank you, CM. This is moving and beautifully expressed. All of you have indeed been carrying me through this since the beginning.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1625 | Registered: Dec 2012
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 7:21 AM, July 12th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Now you are faced with basically 3 days to do what you want. Do something fun with it. Go with friends and family to a good meal, put yourself around people who know you are worthy. Continue to allow them to bolster you. This will help you to continue to get stronger.

DO NOT spend this time alone at home, thinking on the good times, and what coulda shoulda been. That isn't an option. Do falsley trick yourself into feeling down.

Enjoy your time. You are doing well. Keep it up.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8691 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 2:25 PM, July 13th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi,

I've been keeping myself busy, but I am in terrible pain of missing my children. They have only been with her three days and are not coming home until tomorrow. How am I going to bear this for years to come?

It feels primal, the pain. I feel like a father whose children have been abducted or are lost. They are only nine and six and i just know they miss me so much. I crave to protect them but cannot. This pain is excruciating.

Please tell me THIS gets better.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1625 | Registered: Dec 2012
soveryweary
♀ Member
Member # 32265
Default  Posted: 2:53 PM, July 13th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your posts touch me so deeply. I feel for you like you are my son going through this.
I wish I could envelop you in a mom hug and tell you it will all be all right. I know you will one day feel happy and whole.
Take care.


Divorced 1/3/14

Posts: 627 | Registered: May 2011
ladies_first
♀ Member
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 5:11 PM, July 13th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

the pain. I feel like a father whose children have been abducted or are lost.

This "pain" exists only in your mind.

In reality, your children are with their mother and will be returning to you on Sunday.

Now it's up to you how you spend your time.
A) You can sit and fret, "poor me, I'm alone and in pain."
B) You can use the time wisely, and in any manner that improves your life. You can go online and research and plan a fun day of activities for your children. You can go out and exercise. You can improve your lesson plans for when you return to teaching next term. You can head over to the "Just Found Out Forum" and offer support and insight to others (not just Brother AAS) who are in the early stages of recovery.

The choice is yours.


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
velveteer
♂ Member
Member # 30997
Default  Posted: 5:17 PM, July 13th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

AD I will tell you this. Yes it does get better. In a way you just get more used to it. It never stops completely but you do find a way to come to terms with it.

Not being with my kids each and every day was by miles the hardest and longest part of this pain. I completely understand when you describe it as primal - it's a very very deep pain. One that really exceeds all others.

But I guess I found my way through two things. First I made the time I did have with them really count. I don't know about others but in a marriage you can end up going along prioritising the wrong things - work, domestics etc. I simplified and when I had the kids I was with them 100%. The bond that created is very solid.

Then when I didn't have them I did stuff for me. I also made that time count. Wasn't big stuff - it could be painting my bedroom or seeing friends. Whatever but make it count.

Slowly I got used to a different pattern of life. Slowly, slowly but I am getting there. I still miss my kids and there are times when it is very hard . But I know that the time I have with them is gold and that makes a big difference.

Like all of this you will move through stages and phases. It will get better. Just give them the best of you all of the time and you will reap the benefits.

V


Divorced

Posts: 877 | Registered: Jan 2011
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 5:57 PM, July 13th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Everyone,

She's finally done it: she's at the POS's house right now with my children. They have never met him and my son knows this is the man to whom my wife sent a pic of her tits and is the reason I am divorcing her. I am freaking out. We are not even divorced. I knew this day would come, but I am filled with helpless fury and anguish.

Please advise....


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1625 | Registered: Dec 2012
thenon-goddess
♀ Member
Member # 31229
Default  Posted: 7:06 PM, July 13th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

AD, no advice...I have not had to deal with this myself, so I can only imagine - but, big hugs to you.

Oh, and I lied, one bit of advice, be prepared to talk with your kids when they get home. I know they are going to have questions and feelings about this, so play that script in your mind so you are not thrown off when they approach the subject.

Wishing you peace...


Status: divorcing - I can see the light at the end of the tunnel!

Posts: 1249 | Registered: Feb 2011
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 7:57 PM, July 13th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just talked to my son on the phone to say goodnight. (They'd returned to my WW's apartment from the POS's.)

He was subdued and nervous, and said with even more feeling than ever, "I love you, Daddy. I miss you so much."

He knows where he'd just been.

I am livid, but I knew this day would come, and I guess I really can't do anything about it.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1625 | Registered: Dec 2012
heartbroken_kk
♀ Member
Member # 22722
Default  Posted: 8:22 PM, July 13th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((Abbondad and littles)))))

I feel for you Abbondad.

Everyone in your family is adjusting to the new reality. Your STBXWW has made her choice loud and clear. She isn't going to dump POS and try to come back to you. She isn't going to do the work. Screaming from the rooftop "IT'S OVER" couldn't come through more clearly.

You are hearing your son's emotions about this too. He is hurting and confused. And he loves you so, so much.

So I hope that along with the anguish you must be feeling that you can also feel a little relief knowing the real finality that is happening right now.

Please take care of you. Exercise, call a friend, you know the list of things to do to help you with your emotions, right? Just do some of those things. It may not prevent a melt down but it will help you recover sooner.

And please, Lawyer Up. Now is the time to get as much custody as you possibly can. Don't delay.

[This message edited by heartbroken_kk at 8:23 PM, July 13th (Saturday)]


BW then 46, STBXWHNPDPAFTG the destroyer of my entire life.
D-Day 1 1999, D-Day 2,3,4,5,6... 2009 thru 2011.

Separated, divorcing, moving on.
I edit because I always make typos.


Posts: 1220 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: California
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 8:44 PM, July 13th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome to my world brother. My xWW was so sure that she would win custody that she felt free to date POSER(see betrayed mens forums) and introduce my son to him. I'll say this once. Document everything. Send her a text or an e-mail explaining how it is not in your children's best interests to be introduced to other "father figures" in such a difficult time of transition. Document her response. Hell, from now on, ALL contact needs to be text or E-mail only.

Don't react to her directly. No more emotions to or for her. VAR every encounter. If that is not possible, have a witness there. She is going to push every button she spent years installing to drive you insane. Don't let her. Your best friends have become the 180 and N/C. Make no mistake, she is out for blood.

Just a question re: your "date". It was a "friend" of your WW right? Was it possibly a set up? No-one connected to her is "safe".

End it now. No more mediation. Straight to litigation.

Strength brother, this is just the beginning.


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2978 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 9:00 PM, July 13th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

They have never met him and my son knows this is the man to whom my wife sent a pic of her tits and is the reason I am divorcing her.

This will become a key piece of evidence. Make sure it is discussed with his IC.

Crap, I'm sorry brother. This is it's own special hell. At least she is out of your house.

Strength


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2978 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
grace68
♀ Member
Member # 28241
Default  Posted: 10:21 PM, July 13th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

AD

I'm sorry for what you are going through. One thing to be aware of..please don't let your children feel responsible for your feelings regarding their visit to OM.

Let me say that your feeling are absolutely valid and justified, but children are children. They will adapt our of necessity to whatever situation they are thrown into.

I'm sure seeing their mom with OM is confusing and upsetting. Especially after the text your son found. But this is your chance to be their safe place to land. If they bring up their visit to OM make sure your reaction doesn't make them feel like THEY have done something wrong by being there. Children tend to blame themselves even when we don't intend for them to feel that way.

You will get through this because you choose to . Let go of what you can't control and decide to thrive for you and your children. Advice? You decide what happens next.


Me - BS
Him - Doesn't Matter
Status: Divorced

Posts: 109 | Registered: Apr 2010
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 10:40 PM, July 13th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

on top of what I said, please read Grace's post. I apologize for my forthrightness in attempting to secure custody for you. please, please keep your kids for most in your thoughts and actions. your STBXWW sure isn't. you need to be their safe place.

strength


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2978 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
allatsea
♂ Member
Member # 38923
Default  Posted: 1:24 AM, July 14th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Abb,
I know what you're feeling. It's crappy and you are powerless to do anything about it.

This should further convince you that you are doing the right thing and that her words were hollow with no sign of change at all.

The advice given thus far is spot on; push forward, be the crutch and stability your kids need and properly implement the 180. You aren't at the moment and it's hurting you.

Email and text only. Change the locks on the doors and don't let her in to treat it as her house. She's cake eating when she does that.

I know you wanted to stay civil for the kids and you can still do that but not to the extent you have been.

At least your kids aren't living with pos and Ww!

Deep breath and push

[This message edited by allatsea at 1:25 AM, July 14th (Sunday)]


Me 40
WW 38
Together 19 years
Married for 9
DS(1) 9
DS(2) 7
Dday 10th Feb 2013
She moved in with POS and took kids 23rd Mar 2013. WW now has new baby
Divorced April 2014

Posts: 717 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: UK
sudra
♀ Member
Member # 30143
Default  Posted: 7:33 AM, July 14th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So sorry... I guess that removes any lingering doubt about R.

Your job now is to figure out how to make this okay for your kids. How much harder a task could you have been set?

I'm not sure of the answer, but I'm pretty sure it's not discussing with your kids how awful the guy is. He's going to be a part of their lives now (for a while, at least) and you need to help them be okay with that without condoning the nasty photo your son saw. The worse you make it for them, the worse it will be for them. Kids first. And I'm not trying to minimize your pain. What a nightmare. It ticks me off that OW ever "liked" a facebook photo of my DS. Felt really invasive. I cannot imagine what you are going through but just trying to help you put the focus where it belongs. Take care and good luck.


Me (BW) (55), Him(SAWH) (58)
Married 22 years, 1 son (19), 1 stepdaughter (27)
DDay #1 January 2004
DDay #2 7-27-2010 7 month EA/PA (became "engaged" to OW before he told me he wanted a divorce)
Working on R

Posts: 1494 | Registered: Nov 2010
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 11:29 AM, July 14th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you, everyone. I am not going for custody. We both agree that we want joint 50/50. I hope we can work toward agreeing on other things in mediation. We shall see.

STBXWW just texted and asked, essentially, if I am still going forward with divorce. I replied that I am--and then burst into stupid tears.

So hard... But I know I'm doing the right thing.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1625 | Registered: Dec 2012
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 11:32 AM, July 14th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just a question re: your "date". It was a "friend" of your WW right? Was it possibly a set up? No-one connected to her is "safe".

No, no set up. They don't even know each other. It's just that the STBXWW was aware that I was friendly with her. She just can't abide the thought of me being with someone else... WTF?


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1625 | Registered: Dec 2012
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 1:03 PM, July 14th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi,

I am going to ask a basic, obvious question whose answer has been posted so many times in so many ways. But I will ask it anyway, just cuz I need to hear it again today:

Tell me yet again that you were in excruciating pain, were in love with your spouse despite the horrors visited upon you and your children, were convinced that you will never feel better and would be genuinely happy after divorce, but you did it anyway... And now you are happy.

(Thank you so much for being here for me. I couldn't have done this without all of you.)


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1625 | Registered: Dec 2012
Chrysalis123
♀ Member
Member # 27148
Default  Posted: 1:15 PM, July 14th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It will get better. I look back and wonder WTF was wrong with me that I hung on for 8 extra years of abuse, lies, manipulations,and bully behavior.

My loyalty went out of control. I was the only one being loyal, btw, and wouldn't you know that was the button he pushed EVERY time to get me back in line. See, he installed the buttons.

Buddy.....stop mediation. Many of us have been there with a person like your wife, and we see the train wreck coming.

Yo may want to reconsider 50/50 to something like 65/35 your favor. That way if she decides to move the kids stay with you.

[This message edited by Chrysalis123 at 1:17 PM, July 14th (Sunday)]


Dont get to the end of your life and find that you lived only the length of it; live the width of it as well.

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