A court may also consider whether either spouse committed adultery during the marriage, and under what circumstances. Courts are most likely to take adultery into account when one spouse's affair caused the other financial harm. For example, if one spouse bought lavish gifts for a paramour using marital funds, the court might factor that into the alimony award.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
Really,AD...What The Fuck.
You must never allow her to do this again. Never. She does not want to be your wife. She wants her cake..and you've taken that away. She has decided she won't give up the OM. STOP allowing her to throw herself into your arms. It's not fair to you..but more importantly..what do you think that does to those kids? Kids hate seeing their mom cry..all kids. Most moms know this. She is doing this shit in front of the kids..she is using them to get to you. She is manipulating all of you. YOU must not let her do this.
Tell her as long as she is touching OM,she can NOT touch you. And stop letting her pull this shit in front of those kids.
You know...we see here on SI all the time how fucked up people are because of their FOO. Because their childhoods were fucked up by fucked up parents. I really worry about how all of her bullshit is affecting those sweet kids of yours.
She is not your wife. She fired you from the job of being her husband. But you are their father. Protect them from her emotional abuse.
[This message edited by confused615 at 9:14 AM, July 21st (Sunday)]
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.
You might really want a witness with you when you have to see her. It might stop her drama in front of the kids. See that list I sent you.
We are done fighting with each other and decide to fight FOR each other.
You need to stop with the speculations....you will get the answers from your attorney.
Don't necessarily have to pay her half the house equity. She can sign a quit claim deed and walk away from the house. You can perhaps offer her other things than $$ for the "equity". And you can get her off the mortgage any time by refinancing.
But if you can't afford the house, don't. The kids will be fine living anywhere with a loving parent.
And I agree with confused. How in the holy heck are you still allowing situations where she throws herself into your arms? Why can't you stop this? It's not healthy for anyone involved. And in front of your kids...my god. You have the power to protect them. Won't you?
Finally, again, quit with the speculating on finances, house, etc. Your lawyer will have all the answers, and you are only working yourself up again with odd suppositions.
Any reference to the circumstances surrounding your wife's adultery could bite you harder than it wounds her.
As to the falling into your arms crap. What a bitch. It's all just part of her routine to use against you with the kids. "Look kids, I'm trying, it's all AD's fault that we are not together". So much for the best interest of the kids, not?
Timeline question. Not about the affair, but about her behaviors. What is she like when the kids aren't around. I've got a dollar to your donut that there is a marked difference.
All kids exchanges need to take place when/where there are witnesses around. Sounds like she's playing to win(albeit in a 'dirty' way). Don't cede the field.
The kids will adapt to a fresh start. They will probably surprise you and you may even surprise yourself.
You need to keep this toxic bitch at arm's length, and cutting the real estate thread will help.
Sorry you're going through all of this. It's maddening.
I think she doesn't want to let me go--ever--and this is just a form of cake eating.
I don't. Want. Her. Around. Me.
NC NC NC.
As to the falling into your arms crap. What a bitch. It's all just part of her routine to use against you with the kids. "Look kids, I'm trying, it's all AD's fault that we are not together".
I couldn't agree with this more.. She is trying to make it YOUR fault to the kids as to why you are not together.
Honestly, I would let the house go. I would plan your finances as if you don't get a single penny from her. Thank the Lord I have been doing that, since the POS hasn't been paying me child support or his half of unreimbursed medical or extracurriculars.
You don't want to be struggling every month trying to make the bills. Think of the extras you could have if you downsized? You could take family vacations, more trips to Disney, save for their college, etc.. And financial stress spills over and causes more stress in other areas of your life. I would very much recommend finding a place that you can comfortably afford.
And kids have to move and change houses ALL THE DAMN TIME. Will it be a change for them that they will have to deal with? YES. Can you make it easier on them by setting up their new place with things they love, bringing them to local parks, encouraging them to make new friends? YES. It's all about how you handle the change and show them that things will be okay..
Oh, and I've said it a hundred times already, but I'll say it again. NO CONTACT in person or on the phone. Email or text only. There is no reason you guys have to talk face to face in front of the kids. You are giving them false hope. Legally and emotionally, please, start limiting this to email and text only.
ETA: Oh, and I think "fight" is not a strong enough word. Divorce with an unremorseful wayward, especially one who seems to have a personality disorder such as your wife, is WAR.
[This message edited by ButterflyGirl at 4:01 PM, July 21st (Sunday)]
No, it's mutual. You don't want to let go of her.
Why won't you go NC? Why did you have to have this conversation with her? The crazy stops when you make it stop.
Unless you thrive on it. And I think you do. Sorry if that's harsh, but I think you don't want NC, really. So, don't be shocked at what you hear, or what happens.
No, it's mutual. You don't want to let go of her.
Thank you. But you are mistaken.
Many of these meetings cannot be avoided for they are extemporaneous.
This one, for example: I happened to be in my driveway, she pulled up and as I was helping my kids out of the car she told me of this house for rent. What could i have reasonably done in that moment?
I then took the kids, said "Bye," went inside and closed the door.
I am doing my best, friends.
Staying in that house is only going to cause you pain and grief. Remember how she manipulated you a week ago and barged in and cleaned? She is batshit crazy enough to feel always welcome in that place. I would push for selling and splitting in the D. That way you both have a fresh start an you won't have to be house poor.
Trust me it's no fun having to live that tightly to a budget.
A for her hugging you like that you need to make it perfectly clear that is NEVER EVER NEVER to happen again. I it does you will file an order of protection! Seriously. She will do anything to manipulate you an tr situation have you ever followed out advice and gotten a VAR? This shit is gonna bite you of you do t protect yourself.
I agree that you should sell the house. Make a fresh start somewhere else, that you can comfortably afford. Something that's not "hers". Your kids will adapt. Talk it up, let them get excited about picking out new things for their rooms. There may be a transition time for them, but you're playing the long game here. A couple of months of adjusting weighed against years of a peaceful home.
have you ever followed our advice and gotten a VAR?
Thank you, TN. Yes I have. I have it with me always. Even when we speak on the phone I put her on speaker and have the VAR recording.
(((( and strength ))))
Does she have the legal recourse to do this? I guess she does since it is still her home and I have not gotten any legal prohibition against her doing this. But she did move out and her name is on the lease.
only her name?
Yes. She again is saying that I do not have the children's best interest in mind, which is her way of saying they are not safe with me. She has done this before. I am scared, as this is such a bizarre lie.
Sure she can move back in. But first, put a lock on your bedroom door and move all her stuff to a cot in the basement. She can sleep there.
Move up the meeting with the lawyer and have the papers ready when she arrives. Or at least have a document ready stating your intentions to file and outlining your proposal to split the living expenses and child care until you can sell the house.
She wants you to take her back. Fuck that noise.
[This message edited by Twitchy at 7:26 PM, July 21st (Sunday)]
Away you will go, sailing in a race among the ruins.
If you plan to face tomorrow, do it soon. Gordon Lightfoot