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Divorce/Separation     Print Topic    
User Topic: Abbondad Part 3...
velveteer
♂ Member
Member # 30997
Default  Posted: 9:12 AM, June 20th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

AD - our posts crossed there so the last one refers to what came before.

Now your new post:

You have NOTHING to be scared of. Let her react how she wants. Yes it can cause you grief, but only if you let it. You are on the right path now - just keep going.

Of course she is pissed off that you are following through. But really - what the fuck does she expect? To be able to walk all over you for ever? I don't think so.

Keep it up - we're all behind you.
V


Divorced

Posts: 877 | Registered: Jan 2011
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 9:12 AM, June 20th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She angrily cut me off: "I don't want to talk about this right now. I will call you later."

Click.


Meh, nothing to worry about. Wash, rinse, repeat, you knew this was going to happen. Expect to get poison and manipulation every time you talk to her or contact her and you will never be surprised.

Just send her an email and tell her the days that the mediator is available. Hell send it in a certified letter as well. Just make sure you relayed the information and document that you gave it to her and you have done your part. If she decides to bail on the mediation then she is leaving you no choice but to go the non-mediation route and you ahve documented that you tried mediation and she refused when it gets to court.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 9:15 AM, June 20th (Thursday)]


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Divorced 9/2/14 and loving life!

Posts: 1912 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
lostmommy
♀ Member
Member # 33440
Default  Posted: 9:22 AM, June 20th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It seems I recuperate more quickly than I used to.

This is HUGE. I've been following your threads. Keep up the good work. (((AD)))


Me (BS): 32, Mommy to J: 2 1/2 Divorced: 4/10/13
Sometimes you find yourself in the middle of nowhere, and sometimes, in the middle of nowhere, you find yourself

Posts: 485 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: NY
solus sto
♀ Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 10:19 AM, June 20th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(Yes we had to speak on the phone in detail about our son who is seeing his psychologist as I write this.)
Why? You're not allies in this, and you're not coparents; you're parallel parenting, and that does not require in-depth anything. It won't harm your son for your ex to get information directly from the psychologist. In fact, it probably will be better for him, because his father will not be again consumed with the wracking sobs that leave him wondering, "Is Daddy going to kill himself?"

Really, AD, you MUST detach from this woman---your kids' well-being (and custody arrangements!) rely on it.

Your recovery time is improving---but it ain't good, dude.

I really do empathize, and understand how hard it is, especially when a child is hurting. My son experienced a profound and terrifying depression in the fallout of infidelity----and I had to navigate psychiatric waters with him. Did I keep his father informed? Of course. But email and text did the trick. And really? He didn't really give much of a shit. (He was more concerned with deflecting blame from himself and, FAR worse, gathering evidence against me---BEWARE OF THIS.)

Limit your communication. Consider carefully what you tell her. It can all bite you in the ass, AD.

Email only. Carefully constructed and well-considered email.

[This message edited by solus sto at 10:19 AM, June 20th (Thursday)]


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 53, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8848 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 10:49 AM, June 20th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow, she's cycling fast... After angrily hanging up on me after I told her of the mediators openings so we can get started, she just texted me that she made an appointment with her therapist.

I hear the sound of a Hoover....


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1627 | Registered: Dec 2012
Threnody
♀ Member
Member # 1558
Default  Posted: 11:06 AM, June 20th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, that's exactly what that noise is. You recognized it -- progress! And progress you can be incredibly proud of. I think it took me almost a year to know it for what it was.

You cannot control her reactions. I think you're seeing that more clearly now. Therefore, let go of your fear about it. She's cycling fast, or if not cycling she's building up speed on her manipulations. There's no predicting it in the moment, so don't let it control you. You do what is right for you, what is right for your children. Her actions, reactions, manipulations, and emotional lashing out are under her control. They actually have nothing to do with you. They have everything to do with the frustration of being broken and knowing it. She's aware she's a mess. Let her deal with it. Ignore. Relinquish what you thought was control over it.

I'd encourage you to read Max Ehrmann's "Desiderata." It hangs in front me, right here above my laptop in my office. Even in a normal, non-infidelity related life, I find it a helpful mantra. Pay attention to the last paragraph.

Strive to be happy.


“If you don't like my opinion of you, you can always improve.” ~ Ashleigh Brilliant
"Great love requires determination." ~ tryingtwo
"Don't try to win over the haters, you're not the jackass whisperer." ~ Brene Brown

Posts: 14040 | Registered: Jun 2003 | From: Middle-of-Diddly, TX
ButterflyGirl
♀ Member
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 11:17 AM, June 20th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dude, you need to start perfecting your eyeroll. Whatever her reactions are, you need to go full-steam ahead with whatever is best for you.

He was more concerned with deflecting blame from himself and, FAR worse, gathering evidence against me---BEWARE OF THIS.

Seriously, watch out for this. She is NOT your friend anymore. The more you detach and pull away, the more crazy she will become. She is NOT going to roll over and play dead. She's going to fight and try to paint you as the bad guy.

You did NOT need to discuss the therapy appointment with her. You need to keep all your discussions to email and text only. Not only does this give you a chance to carefully plan what you are going to say (and erase things that aren't necessary to say), it will help for legal reasons should you need it in the future..

I feel like you keep leaving yourself out in the open for her, leaving yourself vulnerable to her. Please start thinking about protecting yourself. You can't complain that she keeps hurting you if you keep putting yourself in situations that leave you vulnerable to her. Yes, the first time, shame on her. All these subsequent times, shame on you.. I'm sorry to break it to you that she's the enemy now, but SHE'S THE ENEMY NOW.


xBW~ 35
Two DS~ 7-Eleven
"I've wiped the shit off. It can be wiped off you know." ~ asurvivor

Posts: 2332 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Florida, USA
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 5:59 PM, June 20th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And lo and behold, after eight months of unrelenting emotional abuse, SHE has finally made her appearance when she came to get the kids just now.

The sobbing, mascara-smeared, I-don't-want-a-divorce-I-miss-you-i-love-you-please-dont-leave-me, apologetic, snot bubbled WW who hasn't made an appearance since D day last November.

I gave not an inch, just stared at her as she did her thing, and drove off.

Accepting all 2x4s and warnings.



Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1627 | Registered: Dec 2012
cmego
♀ Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 6:16 PM, June 20th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She will swing back to angry very soon. I think what you just saw is the mask, not the real person. She pulls the mask on to manipulate you, nothing more.

When I was able to look at ex and say, "You no longer get to tell me what to do or what to think" was a powerful day for me. I can now laugh at his feet stomping/deflection attempts/running/ guilt trips/ all the things he did to manipulate me in the marriage...and and move on.

See the behavior for what it is. Not what you want it to be.

[This message edited by cmego at 6:17 PM, June 20th (Thursday)]


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4186 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 8:44 PM, June 20th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Consistent actions over an extended period of time. What you saw wasn't true remorse. It was guilt, fear, and likely a last ditch effort at manipulation as she likely sees her ability to pull your strings is going away. Do NOT fall for that shit! One episode if sobbing on 8 months...watch how fast evil psycho makes an appearance again. Move forward with the D.


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Divorced 9/2/14 and loving life!

Posts: 1912 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
momentintime
♀ Member
Member # 16394
Default  Posted: 1:51 AM, June 21st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She came at you with her pity me please and stop the divorce. When that didn't work her anger came out. Now she is back with how pitiful her life is, but I don't hear her giving up OM anywhere in there. She'll get therapy, big whoop, but she isn't ditching OM. She is just trying different sound bites to see which one will sway you to going back to being her security blanket. Still all about her.

AD, you are getting stronger. You are seeing more of the manipulation. You are trying to reign in your rampant need to hope, and see the reality of your M, and your wife not being committed to you. Keep up the good work.

[This message edited by momentintime at 1:52 AM, June 21st (Friday)]


BS-me FWS - him
D-day 8/04
R'd

"Global editing disclaimer - I edit almost everything I post, and I am not going to post why every time."...re: Bionical girl


Posts: 2986 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: New York
sudra
♀ Member
Member # 30143
Default  Posted: 9:46 AM, June 21st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My guess is that she will come to you crying, saying "it's over" (lying, because she will plan to keep him on the side), and try to convince you that she finally understands what she has done (she won't) and that she wants you back. The last part may be a bit of the truth as you are her safety net and she does want you to continue to be that for her.

I win, I win! JK, and sorry for joking. It's not funny how predictable this all is.

Good for you for not giving in. If she wants to change, let her prove it. Tears prove nothing. Actions.

This is all so hard. Take care.


Me (BW) (55), Him(SAWH) (58)
Married 22 years, 1 son (19), 1 stepdaughter (27)
DDay #1 January 2004
DDay #2 7-27-2010 7 month EA/PA (became "engaged" to OW before he told me he wanted a divorce)
Working on R

Posts: 1498 | Registered: Nov 2010
PanicAttack53
♂ Member
Member # 34195
Default  Posted: 12:17 PM, June 21st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

AD, so you saw her weepy snot bubbled performance and didn't cave this time.... GOOD FOR YOU! It's all 100% total bullshit AD! They shoud give out Academy Awards for this crap. Now be prepared for her next acting job. It will be most certainly different beacuce "whinny-weepy" didn't work on you. Her next performance could be anger, rage, indifferance or any combination thereof. Just keep doing what you did this last time and you'll be fine dude.

PEACE Brother

ETA: I Ihate Andriod keyboards and refuse to edit spelling misstakes due to them.


Me-BH Her-XWW | B/ 59 on D-day (11/17/11) | D final on 10/1/13 I'm Lovin' life again!
Rest of the story really doesn't matter any more.
“Realize deeply that the present moment is all you have.” ― Eckhart Tolle

Posts: 904 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Midwest
IrishLass518
♀ Member
Member # 34373
Default  Posted: 12:24 PM, June 21st (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Abbondad, I got the weepy performance 2 times. The 1st time I took him back and proceeded to enter the false R from Hell for 3 years. The 2nd time, I didn't fall for it and have received his blame, wrath, hate and general poopy self for the last 2 years. We have NC at all and that is best for me and my boy. I look out for me and my boy now and when xWH and OWifetress write, comment, demand etc. I cricket them to death. I am much better off for it. This is a possible expectation for your future. Lots of eye rolls and vent posts on SI


Me: 46 BS Divorced
Him: 45 Married OW
DDay: 07/04/2008
Divorced: 06/15/2011
5 kids: IrishLass 27,IrishLad 25, IrishLass 23, IrishLad 21 and IrishLad 12
"You can't run from trouble..there ain't no place that far"

Posts: 1778 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: WA
JamieMc
♀ Member
Member # 37776
Default  Posted: 1:12 PM, June 22nd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dad be strong for you kiddos! If she is ever ready to R by her actions, not words, then you decide if you want to try R! But as you know, gently here, if OM hasn't been kicked to the curb, your M doesn't stand a chance for true R! All the best Jamie:)


BS early 50's Wh also early 50's. I am Jamie, Mom to 3 great teens/young adults. My WH and I have been together more than half of our lives and married 25+. We are in MC & going to give R our best shot, hoping and praying for a better 2013!

Posts: 112 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: USA
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 5:18 PM, June 22nd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi, Everyone,

Going through some very tough days. WW is coming at me hard: love, saying that "very soon" she will be able to be everything I need her to be (I.e., give up this guy, restore my trust, build a new relationship, etc.).

I told her "very soon" is not enough and too vague. I am moving forward to our first mediation meeting.

My therapist, in a breach of therapist "etiquette," told me that I do need to divorce her--if only for my own growth, strength, and self empowerment. And that there is no rule that says we can't remarry or get back together at some point after. I don't see that as realistic; if its over, it is over. No way will I go through a complete dismantling of my life and then go back.

But I am a total wreck as the reality is setting in. I feel in shock, incredible anguish.

Please, for the hundredth time for some of you, tell me

I am doing the right thing
I have no choice
I will feel better eventually
My fears are unfounded in reality
I will find happiness, love, and myself again

Thank you as always.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1627 | Registered: Dec 2012
gonnabe2016
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 6:19 PM, June 22nd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

AD:
You are doing the right thing for you.
You WILL get to a better place. You just have to walk through the flames first in order to get there.

Your gut is continuing to tell you that she's blowing smoke up your ass. Listen to it.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8085 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
little turtle
♀ Member
Member # 15584
Default  Posted: 7:57 PM, June 22nd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Her words are just that. Words. I heard the same song and dance from my XH. Keep moving forward. It will get better.


Failure is success if we learn from it.

Posts: 4209 | Registered: Aug 2007 | From: michigan
thenon-goddess
♀ Member
Member # 31229
Default  Posted: 8:15 PM, June 22nd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Please, for the hundredth time for some of you, tell me

I am doing the right thing

You ARE doing the right thing! AD, what would you tell your son if he was in a relationship like yours? If his wife had spent 2 years cheating on him and disrespecting him? I'm guessing you'd tell him after 2 years it was time to call it a day...he deserved better. Why are you deserving of anything less?


I have no choice

You DO have a choice. Stay and allow a woman who loves herself more then anyone else, to continue to piss all over you. You can stay and be a doormat. Stay and give up every last shred of self respect you have, because you are hanging on waiting for your WIFE to stop SLEEPING WITH ANOTHER MAN and stop SENDING PICS OF HER TITS TO HIM!!! THIS is who you are pining for? THAT is who you are crying for? This is a 2x4 AD....don't be that pathetic! She is a lying ice box. Remember the list you made? Read it every single day! Make a cliffs notes version and keep it in your wallet. Think about who you are crying for every time the tears start to fall!

I will feel better eventually

It will only if you choose to leave the drama train you are on. Stop romanticizing the relationship. Stop living in the emotions and start living in the reality. The reality is the woman you married is not who you thought she was. She is pretty ugly and you deserve better. I spent nearly a year living in the emotions of the affair - the drama of the story. It killed me. I cried nearly every day. A year of my life WASTED! A year of my KIDS life - WASTED! It feels better when you start taking control of the situation and stop being the pawn that she gets to move around. THAT is the reality. You can be strong and in control of this situation, and that starts when you are ready to put your foot down and no longer allow her to yank you around by the balls!

My fears are unfounded in reality

See above. You know what the reality is. Fear staying in THAT reality and not moving towards a future where you are not married to a lying, ice box.

I will find happiness, love, and myself again

You will! Keep seeing your counsellor - she sounds like a keeper! I am a single mom to 4 kids now - there are some very stressful days around here, but I have found such a happiness in just releasting myself from feeling like I have to stick around and make things work. That's not my job. It's not my job to worry about him or any of his stupid choices anymore. Letting go of the control I felt I needed to have over our life together, and realizing that I could use that control over MY life with kids, has make me so much happier! I can be happy again! Some day I can find someone who know how to love and who is willing to love me. And if that doesn't happen, at least I am not living with a liar who would have no problem stabbing me in the back if given the opportunity. I do have bad days now and again -today was one, we met at our son's baseball game and a woman there reminded me of OW and it got the tears. I came home and had a mini breakdown, but I pulled myself out of it by mentally referring to my list. I had to pull myself away from the emotion and get back to the reality.

Words mean NOTHING. Action means EVERYTHING. What are your actions going to say about YOU, AD?

[This message edited by thenon-goddess at 8:15 PM, June 22nd (Saturday)]


Status: divorcing - I can see the light at the end of the tunnel!

Posts: 1249 | Registered: Feb 2011
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 2:04 PM, June 24th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

AD How are things going? I always worry that you are struggling when you go quiet.
Hope you are feeling your strength, and getting stronger each day.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8717 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Topic Posts: 449
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