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Divorce/Separation     Print Topic    
User Topic: Abbondad Part 3...
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 8:45 PM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I may get some kickback here but I am damn sure that everything in our lives happens for a reason The suffering that you are enduring has to be leading you to bigger and better things. Quit harping on the waste. Embrace the possibilities of your future. Think on the happiness you will have without the drama.

She is NO LONGER YOUR PROBLEM. You gave her more opportunities than is even slightly reasonable. Take heart that you did your best. But the rest was up to her and as the serenity prayer states. May God help you to change the things you can, accept the things you can't and to know the difference.

((( and strength))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 14 & 16
Married for 21 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 6631 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
k8la
♀ Member
Member # 38408
Default  Posted: 11:45 PM, June 26th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Helping your children adapt to a new school will be a challenge.

Since there's no way to "preserve" their life, teach them by example to take on the new challenge with gusto.

Have them write down what they want most about school, and then set out to find an area that will meet those most important needs and opportunities for them - perhaps you will find some things they can't do right now, that they would be able to do by moving. Find it - don't look for the sadness or loss. Look for the opportunities and benefits. You will teach your children by example to find ways to be resilient.


Posts: 80 | Registered: Feb 2013
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 7:17 AM, June 27th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi,

I need to say something here that I just wrote in my journal, after an awful dream I had of my WW.

It is extremely simple, very obvious to all of you caring, wise people who came to the same realization of your spouses (at least those of you who divorced).

But it is extraordinarily painful for me to admit and finally accept. It will be my mantra for a long long time--during and after the divorce.

I have denied and denied these two realities all the way up to this morning, as hope always lurked beneath my most angry, strident, and blustery postings. (So many of you picked up on this, but I would not listen, I am ashamed to say.)

Just writing it fills me with searing pain and hot tears, even though it has been staring me in the face for so very long and you all have taken such great pains to tell me this in so many different ways. But I think I have finally come to a place of acceptance of this:

My wife is not a good person and my wife does not love me.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1472 | Registered: Dec 2012
Bluebird26
♀ Member
Member # 36445
Default  Posted: 7:43 AM, June 27th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Abbondad that is a great step forward for yourself that you can now see that. This will help you detach from her, once you do I promise it will hurt less then it does now.

Best of luck to you and your children.


"You can never have too much happy!"

Posts: 1152 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Australia
woundedwidow
♀ Member
Member # 36869
Default  Posted: 8:03 AM, June 27th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

AD, please keep those two realizations in your mind and heart during the mediation and divorce proceedings. They will keep you strong and help you protect yourself and your children. Good luck!


Be careful what you wish for the most - you may get it.

Posts: 334 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: VA
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 8:31 AM, June 27th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NOW - Tack on to that, You are a great man, You deserve much more.
You arein a tough spot now, but you are no longer a victim. The world is wide open before you with limitless opportunities.
Do what makes you happy.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 14 & 16
Married for 21 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 6631 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 8:49 AM, June 27th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NOW - Tack on to that, You are a great man, You deserve much more.
You arein a tough spot now, but you are no longer a victim. The world is wide open before you with limitless opportunities.
Do what makes you happy.

^^^^^^THIS!!!! When you see the reality of who your WS really is versus who you thought they were it sinks in and it keep sinking in. The part you have you to remember is what tushnurse said. You deserve more than she can give you. So when you say my W is not a good person follow it up with I deserve to be happy and I am responsible for my own happiness so I will move forward to find that happiness no matter what stands in front of me.


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
STBXWW = Her
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Separated 6/2013, D official around 6/2014

Posts: 1585 | Registered: May 2011
ladies_first
♀ Member
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 4:36 PM, June 27th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My wife is not a good person and my wife does not love me.

I'd go with:
I am a good person and my wife does not love me. Focus on you!

My WW is Hoovering/love bombing me through texts: old poems I wrote to her, our dating profiles (we met online) calling me "sweetheart," "I'm struggling to let you go," "You've always been a guide to me..."

New trick for you to try:
1. Read up on the Karpman Drama Triangle.
Victim>Persecutor>Rescuer
2. Don't read her love bombs. Delete them. (However, knowing Abbondad, if you insist on reading them, don't use your normal "inner" voice. Raise your pitch into a witch's cackle or some such outrageous voice, then read with a dramatic flair.
3. At the end of each love bomb, identify her role:
Victim>Persecutor>Rescuer


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2113 | Registered: Jun 2009
Skan
♀ Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 8:08 PM, June 27th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are 100% totally right. Your wife is NOT a good person and she does not love you. That's a great beginning, but it's not the whole story. It's not even the end of this chapter.

Your wife is NOT a good person and she does not love you.
YOU are a person worth love.
YOU are a person who honors his vows.
YOU are a person who cares for his children.
YOU are a person who is responsible and mature.
YOU are a person with a whole life in front of him.
YOU are a person who will fill that life with love, honor, caring, and goodness.
YOU are a person that your children can depend upon.
YOU are THE person that your children will remember as being their true parent.
YOU are a person who will thrive maybe not tomorrow or the next day, but you WILL thrive.
YOU are a man. A true man.

So start writing that next chapter. You simply cannot fail. You have a backup of thousands here. We all see your worth. One day soon, you will too.


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4128 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
JamieMc
♀ Member
Member # 37776
Default  Posted: 10:13 PM, June 27th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dad, first of all huge props for where this journey is taking you, feel like you are really getting it! Secondly I know you don't want to move your kids/change schools but it can actually be a positive thing. Due to my Father's job relocations and my Parent's marriage falling apart, I had to change schools 7 times during High School! As difficult as these moves were it absolutely made me in to the no longer shy/scared kid I was when I started High School:) There can be positives to starting over somewhere new, just food for thought. All the best Jamie


BS early 50's Wh also early 50's. I am Jamie, Mom to 3 great teens/young adults. My WH and I have been together more than half of our lives and married 25+. We are in MC & going to give R our best shot, hoping and praying for a better 2013!

Posts: 112 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: USA
JamieMc
♀ Member
Member # 37776
Default  Posted: 10:17 PM, June 27th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dad, first of all huge props for where this journey is taking you, feel like you are really getting it! Secondly I know you don't want to move your kids/change schools but it can actually be a positive thing. Due to my Father's job relocations and my Parent's marriage falling apart, I had to change schools 7 times during High School! As difficult as these moves were it absolutely made me in to the no longer shy/scared kid I was when I started High School:) There can be positives to starting over somewhere new, just food for thought. All the best Jamie


BS early 50's Wh also early 50's. I am Jamie, Mom to 3 great teens/young adults. My WH and I have been together more than half of our lives and married 25+. We are in MC & going to give R our best shot, hoping and praying for a better 2013!

Posts: 112 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: USA
thenon-goddess
♀ Member
Member # 31229
Default  Posted: 10:27 PM, June 27th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((AD))))

I'm glad to read that those realizations are sinking in...but, also sorry because I know how much they hurt.

It hurts because we deserve(d) better. It hurts because we invested ourselves in someone who would/could never fully invest themselves in us. It hurts because it means letting go of the fantasy we had. But, right after a quick cry, we can get back to remembering that we are only losing a fantasy...an illusion. Get back to remembering that we deserve better and that we can be happy some day. Don't spend too much time in the pain. It is good to serve as a reminder of why we need to keep moving forward, but don't get stuck there.

Oh, and what skan said x1000

[This message edited by thenon-goddess at 10:29 PM, June 27th (Thursday)]


Status: divorcing
Typing on an iPhone - please excuse the typos!

Posts: 1230 | Registered: Feb 2011
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 8:02 AM, June 28th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good morning friends,

A mixed bag in my "daily report."

(BTW, has anyone considered Skype group meetings? Has anyone here ever met IRL?)

Last night was good. I'd purchased a ton of fireworks for July 4th and had a bunch of neighborhood kids over for a "pre show." It was fun and I got my mind off things for a bit.

My wife texted to say goodnight to the kids, and then proceeded to give me instructions about how to dress them this morning for camp, telling me where in "our bedroom" certain items where. And on and on as though she lived there and was my wife. I politely thanked her and turned off. It was hard, but A successful 180 baby step.

But then this morning as I rummaged in our closet for their things, I discovered that although she'd left a lot of her clothes, she'd taken all her lingerie and sex toys.

So that hurt for a while. I became angry, cried a little, and snapped at the kids. But I recuperated quickly (for me), got the kids to camp, and apologized to them for my behavior. Told them how much I love them and they went off happily.

Growing anxiety over the upcoming mediation. Ashamed to admit it, but I'm scared of the inevitable--that once our relationship turns to business and she hears the word "no" and is presented with any boundary, she will turn ugly. But I guess that will help me if I will it--reminding me how unloving and selfish she truly is.

Thanks...


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1472 | Registered: Dec 2012
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 8:17 AM, June 28th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I discovered that although she'd left a lot of her clothes,

Just a suggestion and you may or may not be ready but you should box/hefty bag all her remaining stuff she has in the house. It's all reminders and potential triggers. Empty all the dresser drawers, the closets, take down pictures, everything and place it all in the garage or one room of the house. I wouldn't recommend chucking the stuff just yet since you are going to mediation but in the mediation meeting you can set up a time for her to come get the remainder of her stuff out of YOUR house.

I let the kids keep a picture of us in their rooms if they want but all things with sentimental value tied to the M are boxed up and either she took it or I am keeping it in the garage in case the kids want it when they are older.

Taking back control of your space is empowering and helps with the moving on process. My house looks sterile right now but I see a blank canvas that I can do with as I please when I am ready and all the pictures and reminders are gone.


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
STBXWW = Her
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Separated 6/2013, D official around 6/2014

Posts: 1585 | Registered: May 2011
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 8:17 AM, June 28th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

that once our relationship turns to business and she hears the word "no" and is presented with any boundary, she will turn ugly.
I would contend, Abbondad, that she "turned ugly" ages ago. I can't think of many things uglier than lying, selfishness, cheating, and abandonment. The concern then is that she will stop pretending to be nice. And I will tell you based on my experiences, that when that nice mask comes off and her words and actions start matching the ugliness she's been trying to hide, the truth of who she has become will absolutely set you free.


You can call me NIK

There's always failure. And there's always disappointment. And there's always loss.
But the secret is learning from the loss, and realizing that none of those holes are vacuums.
- Michael J. Fox


Posts: 22712 | Registered: Aug 2011
realitybites
♀ Member
Member # 6908
Default  Posted: 11:55 AM, June 28th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

^^^^So true, excellent post^^^^

How do you think it can get much worse?


Posts: 5525 | Registered: Apr 2005 | From: florida
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 12:45 PM, June 28th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi AD...Its been awhile since Ive checked on you..you seem to be doing really well...stay strong...one step at a time.


(((((AD)))))


BS(me)41
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,9
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: R? I don't know..ask me tomorrow..it changes rapidly.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 6669 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
jo2love
♀ Moderator
Member # 31528
Red  Posted: 1:50 PM, June 28th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Abbondad -

(BTW, has anyone considered Skype group meetings? Has anyone here ever met IRL?)

SI is for online anonymous support. We do not offer or encourage skype or IRL support.

We do have fun g2gs from time to time. They are listed in F&G.




Posts: 30754 | Registered: Mar 2011
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 2:20 PM, June 28th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you. I have not checked that forum.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1472 | Registered: Dec 2012
143ANF
♀ Member
Member # 22730
Default  Posted: 3:52 PM, June 28th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You're doing great

If you should need to relocate, your children may not like it in the beginning but they will adapt.

My daughter was bounced around quite a bit, being a Navy brat and all, so she had her fair share of being the "new kid" at school, neighborhood, etc.

She's now 21 and a confident, outgoing young woman who isn't afraid to speak up.


I've gotten off the crazy train and I'm loving living life.

Liberation day: May 20, 2010
R began: November 20, 2011
He blew it up: Feb 6, 2014


Posts: 1407 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Florida
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