Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: emptylostsoul (44611)

General Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: So, if they're broken, then they get away with it?
libertyrocks
♀ Member
Member # 38924
Default  Posted: 10:32 AM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H has deep rooted FOO issues, okay, I know, who doesn't right?

But, does that mean he gets a free cheating pass for life?? Oh, because he's broken and his daddy never showed or told him he loved him and he and his mom got hit all the time. I do feel really bad for him, but really? I just don't get it. Still.

Well, I had crazier shit happen to me and I sure didn't cheat.

Now what? I'm having a hard time making sense of this...

Need a little help here.

Thanks for reading,
Libbey. :)

[This message edited by libertyrocks at 10:36 AM, June 17th (Monday)]


Me-BW 36. STBXH-35,Recovering Alcoholic, M6yrs T13. Boys 2 & 4 1/2.
DDay #1 Nov,2012. 1 1/2 year false R & TT. 10 OW PA's 1LTA (W lied to) 3 years.
S Nov, 2013 again Jan,2014
Filed for D Feb,2014.

Posts: 962 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: So Cal, baby. :)
itainteasy
♀ Member
Member # 31094
Default  Posted: 10:36 AM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No way. We all have FOO. We don't all chose to cheat.

No free pass.


Posts: 3355 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: NWPA
Kelany
♀ Member
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 10:37 AM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why would you think this is a free pass? Who told you that?

My FWH is a SA, has PTSD, bipolar, PD and FOO issues (abandonment) and he certainly is NOT getting a free pass. He's owning his shit. He's in therapy, on meds, working hard at R.


BS - Me
SA/FWH Him
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking


Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
WhatsRight
♀ Member
Member # 35417
Default  Posted: 10:40 AM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No free passes. No way.

But I know I feel less horrible about my husband's infidelity knowing that he has extreme FOO issues, etc. than to just think he is a horrible person for no reason.

Maybe that's naive.


"Noone can make you feel inferior without your concent." Eleanor Roosevelt

I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy


Posts: 1879 | Registered: Apr 2012
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 10:45 AM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But, does that mean he gets a free cheating pass for life

Only if you give it to him.

We all have foo issues,(most...never all ;) ) and those of us that want to get better get some IC and dig deep.

It sucks but in the end is so rewarding.

Concentrate on healing you, let him carry his own shit.

[This message edited by karmahappens at 10:46 AM, June 17th (Monday)]


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3792 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
atsenaotie
♂ Member
Member # 27650
Default  Posted: 11:06 AM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No.

FWW had FOO and other issues. What this has meant for her is that for the M to R she not only had to address the entire damage done by her betrayals, but she also had to address and repair her FOO and behavioral issues.

I get that she was uncomfortable with emotional intimacy, may have had an attachment disorder. I get that to her feelings were facts and so if she felt unloved it meant to her I did not love her. I get that CSAb and being an ACOA did a number on her.

These all became a part of the things she needed to fix after dday if she wanted to R with me. If these were a part of her "Whys?" then they needed to be a part of her recovery and becoming a safer person to be M to.

After dday and the growth I have had to go through as a part of my healing, there is no reason why I would accept a spouse who was unable to be an intimate partner, unable to be honest, who had substance or other addiction problems, who did not want to be with me out of a healthy love.

Knowing what I know now, even if FWW had never cheated, these things needed to be fixed in order for us to have a healthy and successful M.

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 11:07 AM, June 17th (Monday)]


LTA BS 53
M 1990, dday 10-5-09
Separated and Divorcing

Posts: 4109 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: FL
JanaGreen
♀ Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 11:11 AM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, that's really your choice - what is and isn't acceptable to you?


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6647 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
forgivenesswins
♀ New Member
Member # 37052
Default  Posted: 11:26 AM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It depends on whether you want to allow it to be.
On the one hand, if you are going to forgive, that means to wipe the slate clean.
There is no tit-for-tat where he messes up and then asks for forgiveness and so you punish him for it & remind him all the time that he messed up before you let him stay. That's not a happy situation for either one of you.
Just letting him stay, in and of itself, is not forgiveness. You need get to a point where you know & feel it in your heart that he loves you and you love him and you can move forward together.
On the other hand, if he continues to mess up, and continues to hurt you, there may come a point where you just won't be able to forgive anymore. If he chocks it up to FOO issues everytime and doesn't do anything to correct it, you need to be in a place where you KNOW you can or cannot continue to forgive it.


BW- Me, 40
WH- Him, 39
Together 14 yrs.
D-Day - June 2012
DSD15, DS12, OC(D)4, DD2

Posts: 24 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: TX
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 12:58 PM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In one sense, no free pass, ever.

The best punishment is to withdraw your love - but you can't do that if you R. As long as you're together, anything that punishes him has negative effects on you. In that sense, you have to give him a free pass to R - not because of FOO issues, but because it's the nature of R.

I have FOO issues, and I haven't cheated. I once developed a crush on a woman, after 10 years of M. I kept myself from being alone with her, and when she complained (with good reason) about her H, I talked about my W positively. I did this despite pessimism, self-hate, belief that my W would leave me one day anyway, etc. I had my crush at a long class away from home. When I got back home, I started therapy.

A cheater is broken, but in some ways almost all of us are. Broken-ness is an excuse.

But if we R, we have to let our WS off the hook.


fBH (me) - 70, fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 9947 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
hathnofury
♀ Member
Member # 32550
Default  Posted: 1:11 PM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The way I see it, being broken in and of itself isn't a free pass for cheating. It's a compass for how to address the underlying issues that made you broken enough to cheat, so you own your shit, fix it, and make restitution for what you have done.

But maybe I am naive too.


BS 43, SAWH 38. M 15years, together 17. Body count in the triple digits. Both in recovery, trying to R.
Three kids under age 11.

Posts: 1464 | Registered: Jun 2011
libertyrocks
♀ Member
Member # 38924
Default  Posted: 1:48 PM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sisoon

But if we R, we have to let our WS off the hook

That was the answer I was looking for.

And, forgivenesswins,

if you are going to forgive, that means to wipe the slate clean

So, there it is. It's always harder to take the path less travelled...and to turn the other cheek...

He's 110% committed to R, IC/MC, finally going to start his 12 step/AA...He's sorry, he feels bad, etc...

I'm giving it a year, but this may very well be my dealbreaker...

Thanks for your honesty and imput everyone. :)


Me-BW 36. STBXH-35,Recovering Alcoholic, M6yrs T13. Boys 2 & 4 1/2.
DDay #1 Nov,2012. 1 1/2 year false R & TT. 10 OW PA's 1LTA (W lied to) 3 years.
S Nov, 2013 again Jan,2014
Filed for D Feb,2014.

Posts: 962 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: So Cal, baby. :)
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 6:00 PM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

lib, I know the following advice is unasked for, but WTH, I'm anonymous....

IIRC, it took me well over a year to get comfortable with this, so it makes sense to be very angry at your point in the recovery process.

Keep your focus on what you want. If in a year this is a deal breaker, so be it. If you come to a decision earlier, so be it. An if you change your mind, so be it. You're in control of yourself.


fBH (me) - 70, fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 9947 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
SecondHelping
♂ Member
Member # 36796
Default  Posted: 6:30 PM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you and I know that FOO issues don't get to the why's and give them a free pass, why is it fWW IC is spending so much time on it. She's been going for 8 months and they haven't discussed the A yet.


D-Day 1: Feb 1990 (2 yrs into M, kissing and a hickey)
D-Day 2: 3 Sep 2012 (3 month EA/3 week PA)
BS 49- Me, fWW 43- Her (Amibroken)
OP- Deputy Chief of Police from the town next to us! (Age 37)
Married 25 Years, Together 28
3 Kids (17, 14, 11)

Posts: 484 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Delmarva
solus sto
♀ Member
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 7:06 PM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No. If he's broken,he becomes responsible for mending himself AND the damage he's done to the marriage.


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 52, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 8522 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
Ashland13
♀ Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 7:27 PM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No, being broken isn't a free pass, it's an explanation, a reason, something to consider and comprehend beside the actions. Maybe FOO things are roots of why one person might cheat but not another?

And I agree with the post that says it feels better to contemplate all that happened with reasons behind it.

Counseling, I think, is like music lessons, where when done right, isn't finished in any short period of time. FOO issues are major, major things in a person's life and this is not an excuse by any means, but if they are "real", take eons to address. It's by no means saying an A should not be discussed and I don't want to give that impression.


Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington


Posts: 2187 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
IRN2006
♀ Member
Member # 23717
Default  Posted: 8:49 PM, June 17th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Here's what I think: I think that people are either are born with a personality that upholds boundaries over everything else and some aren't.

I think it's nature and nurture-what you are born with and how you are raised.

My 9 yo is a very black and white thinker. Has been from day 1. He doesn't understand why people do things, on purpose to break the law, or get high, or anything like that. It just doesn't enter his realm of understanding.

I'm sort of the same way. I don't "get" addiction. I mean, I understand the ins and outs in an academic sense, because I'm married to a recovering SA. But, fundamentally, I do NOT understand why my husband chose porn to deal with life. There are about 100,000 other things he could have done to help himself manage his emotions.

Now, I grew up with a primary caregiver that had untreated mental illness. Of course I learned some bad behaviors. But, they were learned, and I was able to unlearn them over the course of 18 months or so.

I also don't believe all people are screwed up. I mean, really, really screwed up. That would mean that the general stats done about how much of the general population has an addiction, has untreated mental illness are WAY way off base. I choose not to believe that 90% of the population is either addicted, has untreated mental illness, or is living in an abusive relationship (with extended or nuclear family.)

I think we need to be careful about the role of FOO in ourselves and our recoveries. Ultimately, our recoveries (both personal and the marriage if it applies) depends on our willingness to change our behaviors. That's on us, only.


Posts: 1295 | Registered: Apr 2009
Bluebird26
♀ Member
Member # 36445
Default  Posted: 3:53 AM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No way, no free pass.

They can choose to be a victim of the foo issues or they can get some help to deal with their inner demons once and for all.

It only becomes a free pass if you let it be.


"Loving someone should not mean losing you. Love empowers you. It shouldn't erase you. - Thelma Davis.

Posts: 1308 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Australia
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 6:42 AM, June 18th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I really struggle with this. Even if they're not broken (and we know that they are)they still get a free pass. I've said this over and over to MC/IC. So, he got to do that and all he got was a pissed off wife for a year? Maybe if I saw him posting here, reading more (any!). If the wayward doesnt' feel badly about what happened it IS a free pass, IMO.
He does go to IC/MC....and hates it.


I'm not sure if he feels this way about what I did. The karma bus hit me pretty hard though.

[This message edited by rachelc at 6:44 AM, June 18th (Tuesday)]


his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

Me: I didn't sign up for this.
Him: you're already in this. All you can do is resign...


Posts: 4704 | Registered: Dec 2010
Topic Posts: 18

Return to Forum: General Post Reply to this Topic
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.