But, does that mean he gets a free cheating pass for life?? Oh, because he's broken and his daddy never showed or told him he loved him and he and his mom got hit all the time. I do feel really bad for him, but really? I just don't get it. Still.
Well, I had crazier shit happen to me and I sure didn't cheat.
Now what? I'm having a hard time making sense of this...
Need a little help here.
Thanks for reading,
[This message edited by libertyrocks at 10:36 AM, June 17th (Monday)]
No free pass.
My FWH is a SA, has PTSD, bipolar, PD and FOO issues (abandonment) and he certainly is NOT getting a free pass. He's owning his shit. He's in therapy, on meds, working hard at R.
Former 80s Icon wishful thinking
But I know I feel less horrible about my husband's infidelity knowing that he has extreme FOO issues, etc. than to just think he is a horrible person for no reason.
Maybe that's naive.
I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy
But, does that mean he gets a free cheating pass for life
Only if you give it to him.
We all have foo issues,(most...never all ;) ) and those of us that want to get better get some IC and dig deep.
It sucks but in the end is so rewarding.
Concentrate on healing you, let him carry his own shit.
[This message edited by karmahappens at 10:46 AM, June 17th (Monday)]
FWW had FOO and other issues. What this has meant for her is that for the M to R she not only had to address the entire damage done by her betrayals, but she also had to address and repair her FOO and behavioral issues.
I get that she was uncomfortable with emotional intimacy, may have had an attachment disorder. I get that to her feelings were facts and so if she felt unloved it meant to her I did not love her. I get that CSAb and being an ACOA did a number on her.
These all became a part of the things she needed to fix after dday if she wanted to R with me. If these were a part of her "Whys?" then they needed to be a part of her recovery and becoming a safer person to be M to.
After dday and the growth I have had to go through as a part of my healing, there is no reason why I would accept a spouse who was unable to be an intimate partner, unable to be honest, who had substance or other addiction problems, who did not want to be with me out of a healthy love.
Knowing what I know now, even if FWW had never cheated, these things needed to be fixed in order for us to have a healthy and successful M.
[This message edited by atsenaotie at 11:07 AM, June 17th (Monday)]
The best punishment is to withdraw your love - but you can't do that if you R. As long as you're together, anything that punishes him has negative effects on you. In that sense, you have to give him a free pass to R - not because of FOO issues, but because it's the nature of R.
I have FOO issues, and I haven't cheated. I once developed a crush on a woman, after 10 years of M. I kept myself from being alone with her, and when she complained (with good reason) about her H, I talked about my W positively. I did this despite pessimism, self-hate, belief that my W would leave me one day anyway, etc. I had my crush at a long class away from home. When I got back home, I started therapy.
A cheater is broken, but in some ways almost all of us are. Broken-ness is an excuse.
But if we R, we have to let our WS off the hook.
But maybe I am naive too.
But if we R, we have to let our WS off the hook
That was the answer I was looking for.
if you are going to forgive, that means to wipe the slate clean
So, there it is. It's always harder to take the path less travelled...and to turn the other cheek...
He's 110% committed to R, IC/MC, finally going to start his 12 step/AA...He's sorry, he feels bad, etc...
I'm giving it a year, but this may very well be my dealbreaker...
Thanks for your honesty and imput everyone. :)
IIRC, it took me well over a year to get comfortable with this, so it makes sense to be very angry at your point in the recovery process.
Keep your focus on what you want. If in a year this is a deal breaker, so be it. If you come to a decision earlier, so be it. An if you change your mind, so be it. You're in control of yourself.
And I agree with the post that says it feels better to contemplate all that happened with reasons behind it.
Counseling, I think, is like music lessons, where when done right, isn't finished in any short period of time. FOO issues are major, major things in a person's life and this is not an excuse by any means, but if they are "real", take eons to address. It's by no means saying an A should not be discussed and I don't want to give that impression.
A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess
Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.
I think it's nature and nurture-what you are born with and how you are raised.
My 9 yo is a very black and white thinker. Has been from day 1. He doesn't understand why people do things, on purpose to break the law, or get high, or anything like that. It just doesn't enter his realm of understanding.
I'm sort of the same way. I don't "get" addiction. I mean, I understand the ins and outs in an academic sense, because I'm married to a recovering SA. But, fundamentally, I do NOT understand why my husband chose porn to deal with life. There are about 100,000 other things he could have done to help himself manage his emotions.
Now, I grew up with a primary caregiver that had untreated mental illness. Of course I learned some bad behaviors. But, they were learned, and I was able to unlearn them over the course of 18 months or so.
I also don't believe all people are screwed up. I mean, really, really screwed up. That would mean that the general stats done about how much of the general population has an addiction, has untreated mental illness are WAY way off base. I choose not to believe that 90% of the population is either addicted, has untreated mental illness, or is living in an abusive relationship (with extended or nuclear family.)
I think we need to be careful about the role of FOO in ourselves and our recoveries. Ultimately, our recoveries (both personal and the marriage if it applies) depends on our willingness to change our behaviors. That's on us, only.
They can choose to be a victim of the foo issues or they can get some help to deal with their inner demons once and for all.
It only becomes a free pass if you let it be.
I'm not sure if he feels this way about what I did. The karma bus hit me pretty hard though.
[This message edited by rachelc at 6:44 AM, June 18th (Tuesday)]
me (WW/BS): 48
4 kiddos in mid 20's
Me: I didn't sign up for this.
Him: you're already in this. All you can do is resign...