[This message edited by N3v3rG1v1ngUp at 4:40 PM, June 17th (Monday)]
Now, on to your post...
First, stop referring to them as mistakes. A mistake is something you make when you make a choice and don't know the negative consequences. By doing the same behavior over and over again, it is no longer a mistake. It is a choice you made despite the consequences.
Second, how do we do this to someone we love? The actual answer is, in effect, we don't. We set aside the one we love and focus exclusively on self centered thoughts. We become narcissists, taking what we want and disregarding what it does to others. In most cases, we actually block out out loved one, because it's easier to compartmentalize that way. I have my married life in one corner, my selfish wayward life in another.
Third, getting the answer to the question about how oyu know you won't do it again will take time. I know it sucks, but you didn't dig this hole in a day, you can't solve it in a day either. Through IC, reading and self reflection, you need to find the real answers as to why you did what you did. Only when you find the root cause(s) can you act on them. Those actions, the ones that counter the root cause(s), are the ones that will start to build confidence in your BS that you have done everything you can to help ensure it won't happen again.
Once you discover your own why, you can take the actions that will prevent future hurtful choices.
As a housekeeping matter: consider being more judicious with the potentially identifying information. You gave your city, company type, and job title.
why didn’t I ever think of them, and if I did, why did it not stop me?
It's great that you plan never to lie again, and that you intend to spend the rest of your live living for your family. But yeah, you're right, it didn't stop you before, and it may not in the future. Why? Because instead of labeling yourself as a "bad person," you need to figure out what the deep underlying reasons are for your serial cheating and lying.
Personally I think MC is premature, but if that's what your BW wants & needs, it's her call. The M doesn't need work: you do. The M didn't cause your infidelity: you did.
I need to know what is going on with my head (that’s what my therapist is for)
Maybe I'm overreacting, but I found this troubling. It's like saying you're a sinner--but your soul is safe because you go to church on Sunday. Saving one's soul (for those of us that believe in that sort of thing) requires more than sitting in a house of worship for one hour a week.
I flat out have no desire to lie
Lying is a hard habit to quit cold-turkey. You're currently not lying, even a little, about one single thing? You wouldn't be the first WS to still be holding back facts at this point. It's such a popular tactic we use, there's an acronym for it: TT or trickle-truthing. If you are still hiding something: rip off the Band-Aid and spill it now, not later.
Congratulations to you both on the upcoming arrival; let us know what you find out after the ultrasound!
[This message edited by 20WrongsVs1 at 12:49 PM, June 17th (Monday)]
I think the “I need to know what is going on with my head (that’s what my therapist is for)” was worded a tad wrong. Through my therapy sessions, I have felt that the therapist is more a guide than a problem-solver. While I would like it if my therapist could tell me, “This is what’s wrong with you, and here’s how to fix it”, I know that isn’t possible. I feel that my therapist is there for the purpose of helping me identify various triggers and whatnot so I can come to a self-realization and begin to work throughout my life towards being a better person. These changes are something that I have to act on every second of every day.
We (my wife and I), have had quite a few discussions on TT. When everything first happened, there was a LOT of it on my part. We also talking about deflecting (I believe that’s the word), which I also did. After talking with my therapist and also my wife, I’ve come to accept that I alone made these decisions, and that I alone hold responsibility for them. It’s not something one wants to admit at first, but it’s something that can chew away at your very being until you do.
Thank you for the responses. I know that finding my own triggers is paramount to our marriage and is the main topic of each of my therapy sessions.
It’s not something one wants to admit at first
Amen to that. Some WS's apparently never admit it. I've seen so many heartbreaking posts here, where BS's say their WS's never express remorse, tell the whole truth, or take full responsibility. So keep it up
[This message edited by 20WrongsVs1 at 2:01 PM, June 17th (Monday)]